Monday, January 31, 2011

Ayame Misaki

Interlocutor: Donkey's Piss

The best translation work I have seen was Neil Gaiman's adaptation of Hayao Miyazaki's Princess Mononoke.

Granted, it was not a translation, but more of an adaptation of Studio Ghibli's work.

What struck me was Gaiman's approach to the whole thing. He didn't even know Japanese! WHat he did was to understand the whole thing inside out.

In order for you to translate, you cannot simply go about with a word-for-word replacement. This is why Google Translator - or any other automated construct - will never achieve the level of idea transfer and decoding that a great human translator can do.

If, say for example, you want to translate a Sherlock Holmes short story from English to Bahasa Malaysia. You need to know and realise the time period, sensibilities and language trends of the time when the piece was written. Why certain things were worded in such a way by the author.

You need to know the work, find out what it wanted to achieve, the state of mind of the author of the work, etc. Was (Sherlock Holmes creator) Arthur Conan Doyle a Protestant, a Catholic? When did he live? For whom was he writing? Which audience was his?

So, something like, "Lord Ridgemont brought the little negro from America as a riding instructor, and it was a most scandalous affair," would read differently then as it would now.

If that was written in the Daily Mail today, I would expect some sort of illicit sexual affair. A scandal!

However, scandals used to mean many things instead of just sex, back in the day. Also, the word 'negro' is no longer accepted in respectable publications, and sometimes even in disrespectable ones.

It could certainly offend a lot of Blacks in America.

As a translator, you need to choose how to preserve the message.

I would translate that sentence as such: "Lord Ridgemont membawa pulang seorang budak kulit hitam dari Amerika, dan diberikan tugas sebagai pelatih menunggang kuda*. Tindakannya itu menjadi buah mulut orang."

See, you also need to know the current trneds and mentality of the language it is being translated to.

Gaiman wrote that he found a rather peculiar remark by one of the characters in Princess Mononoke.

"This soup tastes like water," the character's dialogue went.

Gaiman asked what does that mean, and was told that it was an insult.

"How insulting was this?" he asked.

"Very insulting."

However, that line, read to a Western audience, would not convey the same message, the same level of degradation.

So what Gaiman did was this: he rewrote it.

"This soup tastes like donkey piss," the Western voice actor said.

Simple, effective, and demonstrates as well as encapsulates the very essence of Gaiman's translation work and shows why he is indeed one of the Greats, and why he was given the job.

* EDIT: My translation was inaccurate.

Constructicons!

I am reconstructuring my working arrangements for the year and beyond.

Every day, I listen to and consider new opportunities. I believe that in order for you to accept something new, you must let go of old things.

This has worked for me. It's not magic, and while it is very easy to go delusional on things, it is perhaps key to balance a positive, grateful attitude while keeping your feet firmly on the ground.

Gratitude is important. Every time I have my meals, I am mildly amused that I can still afford to have them.

I go home, and the lights are still on. My Internet is still connected. I can still afford my laundry, and the cleaner who comes once in a while.

Thanks!

I'm still alive and kicking.

What I need to do now is to choose carefully, the working arrangements that suit me best, for the optimum amount of funds.

Which reminds me. I need to go pay my bills.

Cheers!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Aku Bukan Superhero

Aku tengah tidur, perut mumbu penuh dengan makanan pasal pergi buffet dekat Seoul Garden tadi.

Aku terjaga, pasal ada sorang minah BBM aku macam orang gila.

Dia percaya email dia kena hack.

Aku gagah-perkasakan diri, dan duduk kat depan komputer aku, menengok akaun emailnya.

Pertama sekali, email seorang yang bukan jutawan, bukan dalam bahaya kena hack.

Kedua, hacker betul takde masa nak hack akaun email orang sesuka hati. Buat apa? Ada gambar lucah ke?

Ketiga, email yang menghantar email secara sendiri dan mempromote ubat kuat konek serta pelacur Rusia biasanya berbuat begitu kerana worm atau virus kot?

Keempat, walaupun aku ada ijazah dalam sains komputer dan pernah memasukkan servis mesej pesanan ringkas ke dalam sistem aku, tak bermakna aku boleh mencipta mukjizat atau keajaiban dan membetulkan semua masalah dalam ruang siber pada pukul 2 pagi, selepas makan terlalu banyak dan berlengkar macam ular sawa kekenyangan.

Ingat, aku bukan superhero.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Cadangan Kepada Kerajaan: Sukaneka Menggantikan Pilihanraya

Aku tak lama lagi takde kerja ni. Aku dah hantar surat berhenti kerja. Bulan depan last day.

Jadi, aku pun fikir, sebagai Melayu, aku kena cadangkan beberapa projek mahal kepada Kerajaan.

Antara projek yang aku usulkan, adalah menggantikan Pilihanraya Umum Malaysia ke-13 dengan Sukaneka.

Cuba fikirkan. Daripada mengadu domba, mencerca, memfitnah orang tak tentu hala, adalah lebih baik kalau ahli-ahli politik negara ini mengadakan pertandingan sukaneka yang boleh membawa kepada budaya riadah yang sihat.

Lagipun, nak buat pilihanraya, mahal. Poster la, sepanduk la, papan tanda la.

Sukaneka, berapa sangat bajetnya? Setakat Lari Dalam Guni, berapa ringgit harga guni? Lainlah kalau Lari Dalam Ghani.

Lari Bawak Telur Dalam Sudu - ini acara untuk RPK dan KJ. Pasal apa? Pasal diorang terer mengimbang. Ko pikir apa?

Tiup Belon Sampai Pecah - Karpal Singh, Hishamuddin Hussein, Najib.

Cari Gula-gula Dalam Tepung - Chua Soi Lek, Elizabeth Wong.

Lompat Katak - Zaid Ibrahim, Ibrahim Ali.

Tarik Tali - Ezam, Wan Azizah, Nurul Izzah

Kereta Berhias - Tian Chua, Zambry.

Perahu Darat - sesiapa yang terlibat dengan skandal PKFZ.

Basikal Undur - Anwar Ibrahim

Jangan bagi kontrak dekat vendor kereta yang tidak bermaruah, sudah.

House of M: Anarchy

I believe that the people should have a say in what news is more visible and accessible. I believe that the public should be allowed to become their own publishers, and that technology and policies should be utilised and implemented in such a way as to allow the people - each member of the public - the ability to determine what news matters to them.

Because I believe that news is simply what people want to read. If people do not want to read them, then it is not news.

I also believe that news agencies should make money from all this. Caretakers of The Truth should be given funding.

Furthermore, everyone who says anything publicly on various media should be accountable for what they themselves say, with generous leeway of course.

That being said, sanctions such as those seen in Singapore, China and the like can be abused by those in power to snuff out dissenting voices. If I have learned anything about dissenting voices is that it is necessary.

You can't have everyone agreeing with you - that would be boring.

The flow should be free.

However, even the most stalwart of guardians for freedom of speech blow a fuse whenever people say anything counter to what they believe in. Or something they do not like.

Oh well.

I just want a nuclear bomb to explode right here, so we can all end this bullshit.

Buffet Steamboat dan Grill

Pada hari ini, aku akan makan buffet steamboat dan grill di Plaza Pantai. AKu nak pergi untuk makan tengaharai, pukul 12 tengahari sampai 3 petang.

Dengan periuk steamboat di tengah dan tempat membakar daging di keliling, beserta makanan tidak terbatas, memang berbaloi untuk aku makan di situ. Lebih-lebih lagi dengan harga RM30 sahaja.

Aku hendak memanggang daging dan ayam. Merebus udang dan bebola ikan, juga telur. Mencelur sayur dan daging ketam.

Hm. Reziki di tangan Tuhan - David Teoh.

Amir Hafizi Begins

"Hwargh!"

"Hwargh!"

"Amir, in order to succeed in doing this, you need to be more than a man. More than machine. You need to turn yourself into a symbol."

"You mean, like Prince?"

"No. No. Not like Prince."

"And shouldn't we be taking throat lozenges? Everyone sounds gravelly and shit."

"*Sighs*. We have a long way to go."

Cue '80s training montage.

Friday, January 28, 2011

NOH: Naluri, Otak, Hati

Aku membuat keputusan hidup aku berdasarkan tiga perkara - naluri, otak dan hati.

Aku mewarisi otak bapak aku. Seorang yang pada masa mudanya amat serius dan logikal. Dia tak pernah ada rumah dan tanah sendiri, seorang anak angkat yang terpaksa menumpang di rumah saudara-mara semasa menghabiskan pembelajarannya.

Ini terbalik dengan mak aku, yang berasal daripada sebuah keluarga Jerantut yang besar dan berasa rimas dengan kongkongan masyarakat sekelilingnya.

Kalau bapak aku ikut otak, mak aku ikut hati. Keluarga dia memang macam tu. Datuk aku, dua kali diajak oleh Tun Razak untuk ke KL, supaya boleh menolong mentadbir negara. Pasal datuk aku dulu, dia berjuang untuk kemerdekaan.

Tapi, hati datuk aku tersangkut pada pokok-pokok duriannya. Impian dia cuma untuk hidup sampai ke tua, dikelilingi pokok-pokoknya, dan anak beranak, keluarga yang dijaganya.

Jadi, mak aku - seorang yang melayan perasaan - dan bapak aku, seorang intelektual - memang mempengaruhi hidup aku.

Tapi, ada satu benda yang kalau aku tak endahkan, biasanya memakan diri. Naluri aku. Kalau naluri aku rasa tak best pasal sesuatu, biasanya aku takkan buat. Sorry, beb. Aku ada mekanisma yang melarang aku buat beberapa perkara, dan menyuruh aku buat beberapa perkara.

Bukan otak, bukan hati, tapi naluri.

Perlu diingat, maluri aku tidak bertindakbalas atas nasib dan keadaan orang lain. Hanya diri aku sendiri. Maksudnya, kalau aku tidak menyertai projek kau, jangan pula fikir secara ajaibnya, projek tak jalan. AKu bukan bomoh dengan kuasa luarbiasa. Bukannya wali atau keramat. AKu cuma manusia biasa dengan panduan naluri aku sendiri.

Aku tahu, apa sahaja yang timbul, hanya untuk kegunaan aku, demi kegembiraan aku. Aku mungkin boleh menyertai syarikat yang mempunyai laba 300 juta setahun, tetapi adakah aku akan gembira?

Aku juga mungkin mengelak syarikat yang kerugian 60 juta setahun. Itu mungkin otak, tapi mungkin juga naluri, sebab dalam dunia maklumat sekarang, masalah paling besar adalah mengenalpasti maklumat mana yang betul dan sumber mana boleh dipercayai.

Semua orang berbohong, kata House. Betul juga, kalau dia sendiri tidak menipu.

Hari-hari yang mendatang, aku tak percayakan sesiapa, kecuali diri aku sendiri. Sebab aku dan diri aku, kami dalam kumpulan yang sama. Dalam bot yang sama. Aku tak tahu apa yang bakal mengundang, tapi aku akan hadapi dengan hati yang terbuka dan senyuman yang sedikit luarbiasa (pasal aku nak cover kotoran nikotin pada gigi).

Imbas Kembali Kisah Dahulu: 31 Ogos 2006

Hari terakhir aku di The Malay Mail pada tahun 2006 adalah Hari Merdeka. Juga, dua atau tiga minggu sebelum keluarnya isu seks Weekend Mail yang amat menggemparkan.

(Datuk) Rocky dan para pengarang yang lain sudah keluar lama sebelumnya. Rocky pada Feb 14, bos aku Zainal Alam Kadir pada bulan Jun, kalau tak silapnya.

Mereka semua nama besar, tokoh agung dalam bidang masing-masing. Aku? Aku hanyalah budak hingusan dengan blog mencarut.

Kau tau apa aku buat, pada 1 September 2006? AKu berjalan, macam orang gila, keliling KL. Aku perlu rasa semangat bandar ini. Habis pemfalsampah CM la ni.

Aku jalan kaki je. Jalan-jalan, keliling pusing. Aku tak tau nak buat apa, masa tu. Duit simpanan aku takde, pasal aku bagi kawan baik aku masa tu pinjam. Sampai 20K, wa cakap lu. Dia buat apa? Entah, pergi beli dadah kot. Hahahaha.

Kerja takde. Contacts takde.

Aku ingat lagi, masa tu, cuma tiga setengah orang tolong aku. Tiga tolong gila babi, dan setengah sebab tolong sokong moral je. Diorang, dan jugak arwah Yasmin yang tak keberatan minum kopi dengan aku, cakap pasal buat filem.

Tapi, aku percaya satu benda. Untuk mendapatkan yang baru, kau harus melepaskan yang lama.

Aku dapat kerja membuat prototype majalah. Aku dipanggil tulis buku biography. Norman KRU call aku, suruh tulis skrip, buat filem, buat cerita TV.

Aku senang bercakap dengan orang secara jujur dan telus. Ada satu mamat ni, buat projek 40 juta, offer aku RM100K untuk ikat aku setahun, jadi designated writer untuk projek dia. Projek dia tak jalan pun, akhirnya, tapi aku dapat jugaklah tak banyak, sikit.

Aku buat projek coffee table book. Manage semua benda. Cukuplah untuk beberapa bulan. AKu jadi pengarang majalah kejap.

Ada orang nak bahan publisiti, aku buat.

Sebenarnya, kerja freelance ni, seronok jugak la. Pasal banyak jenis projek yang kau buat. Macam-macam. Aku siap buat iklan, kempen promosi, video korporat, siap buat bunting pun ada.

Betullah apa Yasmin cakap - "Rezeki saya di tangan Tuhan, bukan di tangan Tuan." Dan ini diulang oleh penerbit filem paling berjaya dalam sejarah Malaysia, David Teo: "Reziki di tangan Tuhan." Gua respek lu, David!

Kerja aku, kerja menulis. AKu tahu yang pada 2003, Utusan Distribution sahaja ada lebih 2,000 terbitan yang diedarkan.

Kau nampak semua poster, bunting, papan tanda tu semua? Semua pamhplet, buku, apa saja yang tertulis, apa saja yang dicakap, semuanya memerlukan penulis.

Kalau Bahasa Malaysia atau Bahasa Inggeris, aku amat yakin aku boleh menulis apa sahaja yang diperlukan, asalkan masa dan kederat aku berbaloi.

Masa tu, tahun 2006, aku bangun pukul 4 petang, aku tulis sampai pagi.

Bukannya jalan mudah. Bukannya senang. Ada jugak la orang cakap aku ambik jalan mudah. Apa yang mudahnya? Mudah, bagi aku, adalah duduk diam dan telan apa aku nak cakap. Mudah, dan benda paling susah. Aku tak boleh. Mungkin aku cacat. Orang lain boleh kot?

Ko tak tau, pada awalnya, aku bergelumang dengan ketakutan. Takut aku makan sampah tepi jalan. Takut last-last aku jadi penagih yang menawarkan servis hisap konek tepi jalan.

Tapi, dengan bantuan mereka yang amat murah hati, dan sikap kerja aku yang aku maintain, keterbukaan dan mungkin jugak doa mak aku, aku takde hal.

Hampir dua tahun aku buat freelance. Aku masih menghabiskan duit di Siam. Malah, aku pergi lagi rancak, pasal aku tak payah mintak cuti.

Last-last, aku ditawarkan bekerja di Astro. October 2007. Penamat masa freelance aku.

Aku percaya, hidup ni macam kitaran. Kejap ke sini, kejap ke sana. Aku cuma harap, aku dapat menghayati pengalaman dan pembelajaran yang sudah aku terima daripada semua yang berlaku dalam masa beberapa tahun ini.

Dan memastikan yang hidup aku lebih tenang, gembira dan terkawal.

Adakah aku tahu apa yang akan jadi esok? Tak. Tapi, ini adalah salah satu keseronokannya.

Tripping the Light Fantastic

I was doing a job today. Started with me waking at 6.30am, and ended with me falling asleep at 6.30pm.

Strangely, I felt good doing it. It was not simple. It needed a fair bit of patience, focus and presence. The taskl itself was not something I got to do much these eight years. It was complicated, but I think it went well.

And that was just part one. Tomorrow is part two, and my God, it is exponentially more difficult. I have to be constantly on my toes and figure out creative ways to complex problems.

The best thing about this job was the fact that I felt the support from the entire team. They want me to succeed in my job, so that they could do their jobs better. There was no condescencion, no veiled sabotage, schemes being played out - nothing. Everyone was on the same boat, chained to each other. I felt no egoic competition whatsoever. Makes me want to work harder.

Whenever I do freelance work, I always divide them into three categories. There are the fast ones - quick touches to get quick cash. There are long-term ones, which are long shots and require only minimal attention from time to time. And then there are mid-term ones, which combine the blazing speed as well as careful thought and planning of both.

Applying myself, my brain, my skills, to pull it off the best I could, are some of the things that make it worthwhile. That, and I get to meet new people all the time.

So. Things are going great. Better than expected.

So I went to a massage parlour and got some extras.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep: Tripping the Light Fantastic

I just wone up from a weird dream. Again.

I dreamed I was at a function. I was drunk or something, and had loudly asked to use Rob Middleton's computer.

He said yes, so I hacked into it using a printer socket. I was playing with the display resizing thingy which his computer had, when I realised that I had broken it, somehow.

Rob was distraught, closed my printer port connection and got one of my friends from school to take a look at it.

I rushed over to their table to say sorry, didn't mean to do that, and Rob made it worse by saying he is okay and would not ask me to pay for the computer, which has now turned into an iPad.

My friend from school, this guy never had any computer knowledge, so I insisted to be the one to test the damn machine.

Seems that visuals don't display very well on it. So I suggested taking an ATI Radeon graphics card, saw it in half, and jamming it in.

"Goddamn Apple," I said, before finding myself in an old dorm, surrounded by old school friends suiting up for an old boys match.

"Are we playing football, or rugby?" I asked, afraid of what to wear.

Turned out to be football, and as I was wondering what the hell I was doing in the middle of the field, playing football and executing bicycle kicks, I woke up.

I keep having these bizarre dreams, but I am recognising their patterns.

Tonight's dream was about guilt and awkwardness. I did not belong at any of the situations and felt guilty about that. Cause I was talking about that to three different girls about it before going to sleep.

Last night, with the parade and go go girls in a hospital, was just pure bullshit.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

I woke up at 6.30am today. Going to interview someone at 9am, so I am preparing myself.

Since last week, I have been having a recurring dream.

I was sick. Feverish. So I was in a hospital where everyone wore white or grey.

Everyone was sick. Then, these women came in. They looked like airbrushed models from the pages of magazines, except they are a bit livelier.

The alpha female was a tall woman in a wine-coloured dress.

One of the girls fell down and went beneath my bed. I slipped down - still feverish - and spoke with her.

Then, I was wheeled into a room which looked like a classroom, and doctors fussed over me.

Soon, they brought out a grid on a wheeled chalkboard. On the grid were pictures of the girls I saw just now. Apparently, I can opt to choose to have sex with one of them.

I chose the alpha female, whose name was 'Kal', which reminds me of Superman.

The nurses and attendants bundled me up in a carpet and put me in the back seat of a small compact car, where I waited for Kal.

I remember thinking, "God, how do I fuck in such a small car? And how can I perform, when I have a fever?" Somebody moved the car.

Suddenly, it was morning and there was a parade.

One of the attractions, which I saw through the window, smelling the musty carpet smell, was U-Wei Hj Shaari, hoisting his twin, with cerebral palsy, on top of a platform, on top of a chingay pole.

I remember white kaftan dresses, and yellow flowers. And coconuts.

And then I woke up.

This is one of the strangest dreams I have ever had. Stranger than that time when I dreamed of meeting the Devil, and he looked exactly like a famous actor in Pi Mai Pi Mai Tang Tu. I woke up from that one with a face cold as ice.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: Wishful Thinking

I was lying on my bed, thinking of doing an international production, when suddenly I received an e-mail from an international production company.

Well, I hope it's from a real production company, and not an African Black Money Scam, but since the very polite e-mail does not ask for my personal details, my bank account number, or some funds to help release an imprisoned dictator from an African country, and the website link is legit, I trust that it is somewhat genuine. The worst thing would be that this is a prank by one of my 'friends'.

Anyway, if it works for work, let me see if it will also work for sex.

(sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Social Network

I have finally seen The Social Network. You mean, I can be an asshole and get away with it? Umm... anything new?

Semangat Abad ke-21

Akulah Semangat Abad ke-21. Macam Jenny Quantum dalam The Authority.

Aku mendalami keadaan semasa. Aku mewakili keadaan semasa. Akulah personifikasi masa dan era ini.

Tales from the Hangover Side: The Wake

I woke up at a quarter past 3am or thereabouts.

I look back at the stuff I have written before going to sleep, and I feel good. I always feel good with something new and fresh and something I have never written before. I loathe rewriting things.

I want to do that, from now on. I want to write fresh new things, that I know is good. It doesn't matter what others think, as long as I know that it is good, that would be fine.

I have always been a writer, in my adult life. I have achieved whatever I wanted to achieve in this country, via writing. I want to try writing other things, for other situations.

Because the state of it is that, there are so few that feels fresh anymore, here. Everything is tired and uninspired. I'm not whining. I'm just sharing my observations.

One day, I will sit down, and write my books. Cold, hard-boiled fiction. Light, confessional non-fiction. Maybe a fantasy work or two.

I just need funds to do nothing for three to four months. And I think, yes, there is something I can use to get that.

Yet another one of my schemes. But instead of tending to the machinery of Destruction, my mind will be applied to creation and communication.

Wish me luck.

Tales from the Hangover Side: Anatomy of a Lie

I don't like lying to people. Because it shows your condescension, how low you think of their intelligence. It is pure disrespect.

Granted, most people are very stupid. But that is never any reason.

The thing about lying is that, eventually, the Truth will come out. And where will you be then?

People who lied to me, usually of their own sense of insecurity and need to show that they are smarter by achieving that very special and hard task of fooling me - something that is achieved every day with some liquid crystal displays, really - all have found themselves to be on the end of a very complex piece of vengeance.

I was very vindictive, before I went all New Age and stuff, and unfortunately, some things which I set in motion years and years ago will finally come to its final revolution and reveal its final scheme.

I look at my work, and sometimes, I shake my head. I am, indeed, Amir Hafizi the Great and Terrible.

The funny thing about vengeance is that when you achieve it, you may have outgrown it. You don't care anymore. It is only the ego playing tit-for-tat.

Sometimes, I even forgot why I bothered in the first place. But a few things, when started, can never be taken back.

So for that, for the recipients of the 2011 vengeance trophies, I am sorry. Or maybe not.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tales from the Drunk Side: Original Prankster

I am the Trickster. But, have I ever lied to any of you? Did I not do whatever I set out to do?

I am grateful that I have always been able to do whatever I want.

I wanted to do movies and BAM! second biggest and another, perhaps biggest movie production in the country's history. I'm not ashamed to be proud to be part of that team.

I wanted to write a book and BAM! A book.

ANything I could ever want.

Now, I want to reap millions of dollars from international IP. Or do something that could redefine journalism, globally, forever. FOREVER.

If you have to dream, dream big. I am not a creature of Desire. I belong to Dream. As Gaiman as my Lawd and Saviour, I bear witness to the mercy and the blessings of the LAWD! The LAWD!

I am a gamblin', ramblin' man. But after all is said and done, I will spend my days helping people.

I'm no superhero. I know that. But I will sure as hell do my best. And you know what? You haven't even seen my best.

LAWD Gaiman! Lawd! LAWD GAIMAN! LAWD!

Hera give me strength! And Ganesha give me poetry.

Tales from the Drunk Side: Come Out Swinging

Spent the day today on two assignments. Met two old friends. Old colleagues of the NEW Malay Mail. Had a blast.

So happy to see them doing well.

Lots to drink. Hehehehe.

I'm now at home, hoping to squeeze in an hour of writing for a dream project. One project to rule them all. One project to find them, and in the darkness, bind them.

I have made no secret of my wishes to spread my wings further, and maybe this is what I am meant to do.

I have faith in the future, no matter how difficult it will be, I'll be there.

I am a person who believes that things will open up for me. Not because of anything, but the quality of my work on things I am passionate about.

I can't work with no passion. Coasting is not my style.

And I will carve my kingdom with my own bare hands. And wear my crown upon a troubled brow.

Because I am Amir the Barbarian!

Santau - Cara Diet Berkesan

Ingin kurangkan berat badan? Ingin melangsingkan tubuh? Tiada masa untuk diet atau bersenam?

Jangan bimbang!

Gunakan santau!

Dengan menggunakan santau angin cap ketereh, anda akan hilang selera makan dan muntah darah selama tiga bulan.

Tanpa perlu berdiet atau bersenam, santau angin cap ketereh mampu mengurangkan 70% berat badan anda.

"Selepas menggunakan Santau Angin Cap Ketereh, saya tidak lagi berdengkur pada. Waktu. Malam." - Makcik Support Pillow.

"Saya hilang 70kg dalam masa seminggu!" - Rosli Debab.

"Takde mende jadi pun?" - Amir Hafizi

Dapatkan Santau Angin Cap Ketereh. Hanya ludah muka bomoh atau kawan anda yang percayakan bomoh.

I Don't Believe in Magic

I challenge any and all black magic users to kill me using black magic. No fair using bullets - my only weakness - medically detectable fatal diseases or even bladed or blunt or chemical weapons. Just kill me using magic. Like fairy dust or lasers.

Kiss my ass, motherfuckers!

Establishing a New Religion (with Tax-Exempt Status)

As the world's greatest spiritual guru, I am asking for donations of RM10,000 or more from my global congregation.

If you worship the LAWD! The LAWD! Which shines through meh! With Its everlasting LAIGHT! The LAWD! Oh, mayh! The LAWD!

The LAWD! And Its LAIGHT!

If you truly have faith, make me a billionaire. It is the will of the Lawd.

The LAWD! Which shines through meh! With Its everlasting LAIGHT! The LAWD! Oh, mayh! The LAWD!

The LAWD! And Its LAIGHT!

Remember, my personal Maybank account number is 114487051142. I accept cash deposits, as well as Maybank2u transfers. If you don't have a Maybank account, the Lawd -

The LAWD! Which shines through meh! With Its everlasting LAIGHT! The LAWD! Oh, mayh! The LAWD!

The LAWD! And Its LAIGHT!

- will also accept Intergiro bank TT transfers or some shit.

The Lawd! -

The LAWD! Which shines through meh! With Its everlasting LAIGHT! The LAWD! Oh, mayh! The LAWD!

The LAWD! And Its LAIGHT!

- Wants me to be rich.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Why Should Anyone Worry About the Ocean?

You know what used to depress me?

Every little thing, like stupid people. Evil people. Little people. Petty people. Dishonest people. Sneaky little bastards. That kind of shit.

My first reaction to all this was to destroy them. If I see stupid, evil people, my first reaction is to destroy them.

Nowadays, I understand that it is a never-ending task. It is much easier to accept them and their stupidity, and their evilness, and their lying, sneaky ways.

Because those things get you nowhere. Not for me, not for any one of them.

I read somewhere about a man who tried to stop a tsunami. He wasn't a superhero. He wasn't a scientist. Just a normal man who fussed about, trying to stop a tsunami.

At the end of that futile exercise, he stopped fussing when he asked himself the question - Why should anyone worry about the ocean?

Not as in, we should pollute our oceans, but as in the context of one man, would worrying about the ocean make the ocean less-polluted? Would worrying about the tsunami prevent the tsunami from happening?

WOrrying, especially about such things, is egotistical. It's not even logical.

Why should anyone worry about the ocean - that has become my mantra. And I am experiencing peace at last after almost nine months of worrying.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Lunacy

I just got off a meeting which ended at 5am.

Started at midnight, it did. And it was a real work meeting, done in my prime or optimum time these days.

And when they left my house, I felt an emptiness and a sense of depression come over me.

That always happens, when there is a change in energy, fluctuations, whatever.

Since I was in my teens, I have been dealing with depression. Surprise? No?

Well, every time I wake up, and every time there is a change or fluctuation of circumstances all throughout the day, the first thing that would hit me would be depression. What follows, depends on how I respond to it.

I would like to say that my mental and spiritual exercises have allowed me to keep it under control. Most of the time, it does. Sometimes, it doesn't. Though it has slowly gotten better throughout the years.

Disclaimers on. I am not a suicidal, in-the-closet, self-loathing gay person, or a gay-person of any kind. In fact, gay is the direct opposite of me. I am straight and sombre. I am not that funny, and that is how I appreciate comedy.

I explored spirituality in many forms simply as a means to cope with depression. Not to be happy, but simply not to get lost in it. I was lost in depression when I was 18 all the way to 23. Five years of wallowing in self-pity, I attracted around me people who would treat me badly.

I told myself, that I deserved it. One of the first reactions I got from one of the biggest bitches I know was, "I don't need people who self-flagellate themselves." And that got me depressed, until I figured it out years later.

I used to agonize over every single thing.

A friend asked me some time ago, "These model chicks have panic attacks. What the hell are panic attacks? I have never experienced a panic attack. What are they? Do you know?"

I avoided the question several times, before admitting that yes, I know very well what panic attacks were. And had experienced them twice in 2006 and 2007.

The fact that I survived to this day, stems from my actions to cope with depression, and find out what it really means to be happy. This, you could say, is my life quest.

I do not believe in psycho-active drugs. I know it works for some people, but drugs and me, we don't mix well. I have a very addictive personality and taking drugs would mean I would die of an overdose three months down the line.

I met the very real, clinically-depressed people when I was younger. I know what that looks like, and that is not what I have.

What I have was simply normal depression.

Justify it how you will. I tried them all. I'm a genius, and all true geniuses are depressed. No one understands me because they are little more than evolved lemurs. Smart people are always unhappy.

Whatever, man.

This is why, Eminem's work appealed to me. He was working through his own depression. He of course had a rougher, tougher time. And he's also a multi-millionaire, turning his pain into best-selling records.

I was also a fan of Edgar Allan Poe - the alcoholic, depressed man. Virginia Woolf, the suicidal writer-housewife. Kurt Cobain, who would rather die than be cool. Good company, no? Their work sometimes represent or perhaps resonate with some situations, others are just meaningless gibberish to me.

Nope, I knew, instinctively, from very early on, that my only treatment, my only solution, was to deal with it my way.

To this day, whenever I wake up, I would realign my head and become present. I learned that to experience happiness, I would have to choose to manually allow myself to be happy. It is a very present happiness. Non-automatic.

Happiness is not an ice-cream cone. It is, at the very core of it, acceptance. The word 'Islam', is translated by some people to mean surrender. Or maybe that was 'tauhid'. I don't give a shit. But the philosophy behind it is to accept God, and God is defined by these religions as the existence of the entire universe.

So, accepting the situation, and not repressing or resisting it, is key.

I don't agree with a lot of things in religion, but this one, I like.

It has been a slow and arduous journey. There were victories, and some defeats. Milestones and tombstones.

I would very much like to say that I have all the answers. I'm sorry, I don't.

But I would like to say, to anyone out there, if you are depressed, that you are not alone. And if you know anyone who is, please don't tell them to snap out of it or that being happy is easy. And don't give them too much attention either.

Give them space, but not too much. I sometimes need some space as well, though coming to me, inside my space, does not mean I will burst into tears or take a shotgun to my mouth. Or set your face on fire.

And no, being in pain is not cool. And you do not want to be addicted to pain, I can tell you that. I spent five years in that hell. Right after the hell that was high school. And I am not being overly dramatic.

I hope I didn't disgust or confuse any of you. If I do, then what can I say? Feel and think as you will. I am not asking for special treatment. That would depress me. Continue as you would. Let me sort out my own shit.

It's just like having gastric. And most everyone is depressed in some way or another, at one point or another. Depressed people out there, please note that you are not special, and feeling special is also a route to depression.

I have learned that everything is connected. And that accepting the world, and accepting yourself - the situations you are in and whatever - is one of the true ways to be happy and free of despair.

Know, whether you are depressed or not, that anything and everything you experience or feel, is committed not by other stimulus, persons or parties, but by yourself. And that you have more control over everything than you imagine.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to any of you. I know that I wrote it, so I could read it. And I think it's working.

Cheers!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

True

A woman once came to me, all in tears - and I guess you would guess by now that most of my stories concern women, usually crying or climaxing, as a sign of my virility and rampant heterosexuality - and asked me how to be strong.

I was in a state where nothing could touch me. I had all the friends I needed, and some I didn't need, I was making good money and I have just discovered meditation, which has afforded me some sense of clarity in my young life.

I was young, and I was immortal. I was untouchable. And women, usually crying ones, would respond more to men who appear to be strong.

"People tell me I need to be strong," she weeped. "But sometimes, it's so hard!"

"You are being strong right now," I told her, my mind as clear as a lake.

"What?"

"I believe that strength comes from being true to yourself. If you're sad, cry. If you're angry, throw a tantrum. Not many people are brave enough to face their own emotions."

Nowadays, many put a lot of value in being calm and stoic, which is cool, but sometimes some do that until they deny their human side.

While denying thyself is a Christian concept I much agree with, but to repress anything is poisonous.

Lucifer, in the Lucifer comics, said, of religion, "They tell people to curb their desires, until desire turns to poison, and then they say that it is good medicine."

I believe that in order to move, one must be in possession of all the Truths of the Moment. And if the Truth is you feel something, you should find a way to express it and be in the experience.

Bar suicide, of course, and mass murder. And rape. And buttfucking people who do not want to be buttfucked. You get my drift.

So the woman, finding that I was not as strong as she thought, and that I do not practice looking calm and collected, and that most importantly perhaps, I have no trick or tip to fake it or anything else, for that matter, stopped talking to me.

I was calm, because I was calm. I am calm, because I am calm. If I want to someday climb a tower and start shooting people with a sniper rifle, I might go out there and get a video game that allows me just that.

The Air Up There

The Matrix trilogy of movies are, in the end, talking about spirituality and programming sharing a view of cycles and their importance.

Neo was not the first Chosen One, and neither is he the last. Quite probably, he was there to take the system to another level, and get reincarnated again.

This is true in system development as well as stated in Hinduism, Buddhism, Judeo-Christian lore, pagan myths and other things.

The clearest and simplest example is the phoenix metaphor. The phoenix burns itself and leaves an egg, which hatches into a new phoenix. And thus the bird was - is - immortal.

As a coder (semi-retired) and a person intrigued by spirituality, the concept seemed good, but the movies were a mighty letdown.

I do this, with video games. SimCity series, Civilisations, whatever. I build, and then destroy. And then, taking my experience from previous builds and developments, I start anew.

I believe that whatever I have experienced in my life, be it egotistical longing, wanton destruction or bliss, is important for me to be here, in this state, having the insight that I do have.

I believe my experiences are important, only to me. I believe in encouraging others to experience things for themselves. I have learned that telling people what will happen is never enough. If you are wrong, their egos kick in and they go into an endless spiral on proving who is better, and who is right.

If you are right, they will hate you for it.

Therefore, a laissez faire approach, a democratic, anarchic model is the best way to go.

I am grateful that I am me. Not the egoic me. Not the me who has achieved this much and this little in life.

Not the me who was happy or sad at any point.

I am grateful that I am me, the me who understands, the one who sits and listens to myself and the world around me. The me who does not judge as compared to the me who does.

Later in my life, it would be good to find a quiter, calmer place. For now, I understand that the quietest, calmest place I can ever find is within myself.

I guess, after eight years ago failing to publish a book, and talking about it all this time, it is perhaps the right moment I roll up my sleeves and try again.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

The problem with right and wrong, good and evil, is that everyone has their own take to it.

There is no universal standard.

For example, marrying a nine year old was at one point acceptable, somewhere and was perhaps the norm.

It all boils down to what you focus on. Was being sneaky something to look up to? SOmething to admire? SOmething to aspire to? No?

Ask your spouse. I don't know and I don't care.

I only know that all this is a waste of time. I'm better off writing and doing my work so I could be rich and leave this country to retire somewhere nice and quiet.

I'd sit down and watch the world end.

Or go read a book, which is what I'm going to do now.

The Path of Gaiman

Neil Gaiman, that great God of Writers, and chaos be upon him, failed to publish his stories and became a journalist for eight years.

Give or take a few months, this year marks my eighth year in the business of writing.

I copied his path, somewhat, in order to gain similar insight to what he experienced.

And while the Bhagavad Gita said that it is better to live an imperfect version of your own life rather than a perfect imitation of another person's, I decided to go ahead anyway, comforted by my thinking that there is no way in hell we would be experiencing the same things.

I was, and am right. I failed to to fail to be published. Malaysia being so hungry for English language writers that I managed to get my short stories in anothologies and online.

I managed to get work on films. And I even took three years off journalism to pursue other things. Those three years, in hindsight, were some of the most exciting years of my life.

I am not Gaiman. And Gaiman is not me. Even though I followed his blueprint, the resulting structure is very different.

The materials, the vistas, the corners and edges and whatnot.

While ideas for comic books and animation still come to me regularly, I also get inspiration for other things.

I did not see what Gaiman saw, and I did not want to. I saw, and see, what I needed to see.

And right now, I see my bed calling to me.

I, Feminist

I was working on a project with an American film director, when he came up with a surprising statement.

"You have a female brain," he said.

I looked up from my notebook, where I was scribbling away and cockec my head to the side.

"Huh?"

I was hoping that he wasn't going to confess to me that he liked buttsex and that while my soul belongs to God, my ass belonged to him.

I eyed the door and tried to gauge the rime I would need to escape this situation, if need be, and whether he was strong enough to overpower me.

He would have been strong enough, but to my relief, he said, "All the female characters are doing the work. The male ones tend to do nothing or get into trouble. You're quite the feminist."

I tried to count the number of women I fooled around with (and actually came to the unimpressive figure of, slightly embellished, 300) as well as my male egotistical ways. Surely, this cannot be true.

"Emmm... no way, man. I'm a motherfucker."

"Suit yourself."

And yet, here I am, recovering from a most girly emotional episode, eating some comfort food and reading chick-lit.

I think, one day, I will write a book with a female voice, mostly to women everywhere.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Today

Today, I woke up late, and immediately did some reading.

Replied to some emails, before a friend and then another asked me out.

So I did. Had lunch/tea/dinner in Bangsar. Long talks. I was coughing like shit all the way.

Then I went home, took some cough syrup, and then passed out until now. I got shit to do. My work never ends.

But one day, I hope to end it all. That is not today, though.

What Would Yasmin Say?

I miss my friends, and some of them, I'll never meet again.

Yasmin Ahmad, was there for me during one of my worst times.

Some people said bad things about her, and even last week, I was in a conversation where they made fun of her. It was in bad taste, at least in my book. I left, of course, leaving them baffled.

They were actually more baffled as to why people loved that woman. I mean, she was human. Her movies are not perfect. Her life was not perfect. SHE was not perfect. And yet, she has touched many lives - even those a lot would deem insignificant.

I am not the closest person to her, but for a time, we talked. I was a young, hardheaded journalist and she - by the time I met her - had achieved everything she sought to achieve. Even some impossible things.

I guess, the thing I appreciate most about her is the fact that she hid nothing from me or anyone.

There were some people who raised the question whether or not she was a man, in her youth.

So, me being me, I asked her that question. Directly.

She was stunned. We were having coffee. And then she gave her answer.

And then she said, "Amir, if anyone ever asks, ask them to do what you did just now."

"What did I do?"

"Ask me straight to my face."

And some people wonder, why she was loved? Unconditionally?

How I Want to Die

Well, I hope to someday retire either to Cherating, or go live overseas.

I want to let go of all responsibilities. I want to be surrounded by books. Maybe work at a library, taking the afternoon shift.

I want to be connected to the Internet and play MMORPG games every night. I'd be the old guy, playing games.

I will go and pick fights with racist motherfuckers on forums and chatrooms.

I want to write books, inspired by the greats - Gaiman, Moore, Morrisson, Ellis, Bendis.

I'll grow flowers and vegetables, take piano lessons.

Sometimes, I'd visit asshole friends. But most of the time, I will be alone reading, and drinking.

Then, one day, the villagers would come, in a mob, bearing torches and pitchforks.

They would come to my house - an old man's house - and they would set fire to it.

I will be inside, with a big bottle of morphine and a huge syringe. I give myself a lethal dose, before the smoke can get to me.

The next day, all that was left of me is a charred stain on the ground.

Three years later, they will build over that site and even the stain on the ground - half-hidden, half-forgotten from view - would be piled under cement and bricks.

A solar flare, 20 years later, would wipe out all technology from the face of the earth, taking with it my movies and whatever that's left of this blog.

The ensuing riots caused books I have written and whatever article that survived the past couple of decades, to be lost forever.

And that is how I will never be remembered.

The End.

Intermissionary Position

I have set into motion certain things that put me beyond a point of no return.

There were some shockers - some revelations that, if I had known seven months ago, would have hastened my decision. But I guess everyone has their reasons, and I have mine as well.

I don't care.

I don't like surprises, but we all roll with the punches, and other things.

When I leave behind some things, I leave them completely. There is no turning back. There are no considerations, nothing.

I am concerned only with what I am doing and going to do. My path is very clear to me now. I know what I will do.

I'm still the same old me, still following the stupid Code of Bushido and some things I cobble together from comic books. I follow my own values, my own rules.

Cause in the end, I die alone. And that's how I want it done.

Healing





The answer to all.

Amir Hafizi: The Cursical

Fucking motherfucking dipshit motherfuckers!!!

How about this: in a musical, when words alone cannot carry the moment, the characters break into song. In a cursical, they break into cursing.

Balls! Clit! Cunt! Dick! Willy-Wang-Woody! Cocksucking motherfuckersssssssssah!

You period-popsicle-licking sons of bitches! May the LAWD fuck your ass to the fucking ground. LAWD!

Your mother was raped by a dog, with crabs. Your father raped a chair. May your holes be eaten by maggots, you son of a camel!

Okay, that was kinda fun.

Cock



Suck my cock, you fucking assholes!

Art stolen from Sunder's Facebook page.

Heaven and Earth Society

I am currently planning a trip all over Malaysia. I guess, before I eventually leave this country, I at least have to sample a lot more of it.

There are so many things that are not in brochures. So many stories untold. See, whenever I go back to Kuantan, I usually look out the window of my sister's car and see kids playing badminton - three-a-side, sometimes five - or a lone lorry up a hill.

I have always wondered, what kind of stories do these people have to tell? Do the kids prop their chin in their classrooms, dreaming of being a race-car driver, or lament the lack of comics around their place.

I see lonely houses in the middle of nowhere, and I think to myself, "Who lives there?" Why?

I know a lot of Kuantan's stories that are not in brochures. I am extremely lousy with direction, because I cannot hold maps inside my head. But I do know of Kuantan's history and a lot of its colour.

There are abandoned towns there. Big holes in the ground - one of the deepest in the world. As well as remnants of an earth oven used to bake some of the best breads I have ever had in my lifetime, bar none.

See, the earth oven was made of bricks from Sg Lembing clay, which is rich in feldspar and petalite, meaning there is a high rate of infraheat radiation. This, makes for great white bread.

There is the story of the breadmaker, and his impact on Pahangese society, when at one time, his biscuits are one of only three or four available treats in the entire state.

There are many other things, and I would be lucky to get to tell some of them, before my time here is up.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Turnaround Transformers

Megatron: Optimus Prime Sucks!
Soundwave: Optimus Prime Sucks!
Megatron: Iron Hide is an idiot!
Soundwave: Iron Hide is an idiot!
.
.
.
Megatron: BumbleBee sucks!
Soundwave: Bumblebee Sucks!
Megatron: The Autobots Suck!
Soundwave: Yes, the Autobots suck, leader Megatron.
Megatron: Take care of the base, will ya, Soundwave?
Soundwave: Where are you going?
Megatron: To join the Autobots...
Soundwave: But...

Tales from the Drunk Side: The Heartbreak Kid

Tonight, instead of thinking up new business opportunities, I spent the evening with a friend.

She insisted that we go to a more private place as she did not want to be seen by the crowds in Bangsar, The Curve or any part of Damansara.

"I was like, okay, but why Taman Tun? It's equally crowded, somewhat."

"I don't know anyone in Taman Tun. And bring your laptop. With your collection of... stuff."

I had my suspicions, and eventually they were confirmed.

I was being used. As a sympathetic ear. A dick in a glass case. In case of emergency, break open glass. Lord. Yet another relationship down the drains, and I am to listen to it.

"But why, Amir, why?"

"Was it your vagina?"

"What is wrong with my vagina?"

"I don't know. I've never seen it."

And much as I hoped that what followed would be like almost all the porn flicks I have seen, I ended up listening to yet another account of lies, betrayal and drama.

Don't get me wrong. I sometimes consider it an honour that people confide in me, and allow their stories be told here, and perhaps in upcoming books. It's just that the year of the Tiger has been wrought with lies, betrayal and drama. So much so, I can't wait for the Year of the Rabbit, so that I can go and eat rabbits.

"I caught him red-handed," she began, doing away with any verbose backgrounder.

"But I have always suspected him."

Ah. My experience is that there is almost no such thing as paranoia. It's not paranoia when it's true. And somehow, you can always tell.

"U-huh," was all I offered. I am old enough to know that when it comes to these things, I should just shut up and let her rip.

And so she went on and on and on about the almost CSI-like methodical ways in which she traced the man's transgressions.

"This, is her Facebook page," she said, justifying the need for my laptop.

His pictures were also there. Ah, how the Information Age has changed the way we fuck.

"U-huh."

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Uh... there, there."

"He... I feel so cheated!"

Because you were.

"U-huh."

"Stop with the u-huhs!"

"What do you want me to say?" And even here, I sense de ja vu.

"Say that he cheated on me!"

"Look, the only people who know what happened in a relationship, are the two idiots who are or were in that relationship. No one else knows jack shit about what happened. I do not believe my judgments can make anything clear or better. It cannot justify anything - pain, remorse, anger, hatred. Nothing does."

"Just don't say u-huh!"

"Okay."

"So, say something!"

"Okay."

"You..."

And thar she blows. She's pissed off at that guy, and I get the outburst?

"Well, there was an inscription on the top of the entrance to the oracle at Delphi," I said.

She pricked her ears.

"It says, 'gnothi seauton'. It means, 'know thyself'."

"And?"

"And you should know yourself."

"You are infuriating!"

"Look, I can listen. I can sit here, listen, and keep my judgments to myself. That, in my experience, is the best thing I can do for you. ANything else, is potentially destructive."

Lies, betrayal - all this happens every day. Not as frequently as I crap every day. But not as rare as me getting hospitalised for overwork.

"He got me to be the guarantor to his loan, and he got me to give him cash."

It's an old story that keeps coming back. I was never fooled by a sweetheart, but by fiends who borrowed money from me. Or allowed me to go into debt. But do go on, friend.

"I let him make love to me from behind."

Whoa! Hold up! Too much info!

"Okay. Can I write this on my blog?"

"I don't read blogs."

"Is that a yes?"

"Do whatever you want."

She seemed clearly upset. I felt helpless, but I do know that doing or saying anything more is potentially dangerous.

"Say something, Amir."

"I have listened to your thoughts and experiences concerning your relationship. I am only concerned about you and your well-being. Regardless of what happened, I hope that you do not make it an excuse to do anything stupid with your life. Other than that, I believe that whatever happened to us, we allowed to happen."

"So, it's my fault?"

"Our lives, are our own responsibilities. Being accountable for our lives means being in control and being in power. It is easy to be a victim, and in fact, many people become victims or are addicted to becoming victims so they could have the moral high ground. But there are no morals. It is only a societal delusion. An illusion."

"You sound measured. Practised."

"I have been giving this speech many times. 12 couples last year, three with you this year, so far."

"What do you think I should do?"

"You are a brilliant investment person. You should focus on your life and your career. People are generally evil. Never trust people. Especially those who try to curry favour from you by being nice outwardly. Live your life. Be happy. Let God, Science or the Universe or whatever sort them out."

"You're saying bad people will get their comeuppance? You really believe that?"

"I believe that within ego, denial, envy, bad emotions, and bad deeds, are seeds of their own destruction. I believe that people who do these things are incapable of true happiness and will forever wallow in denial. Sooner or later, they will reealise this and suddenly, their whole world would seem out of whack. It would be revealed as what it is. Fake. And there is no happiness in lies. Only thing we can do is to never get sucked into their games. Never be like them."

"You really believe in all this?"

"There are times when I wish I do. Most of the times, I hardly think about other people. I just think about myself."

I said more than I should. But glasses, pints, of Shoggoth's Old Peculiar tend to do that to me.

"I can write about this, when I get back, right?"

"Sure."

"Even the anal sex part?"

"As long as my name is not in it."

She sighed. It would have been easy to take advantage of the situation. But my list of friends have been shortened these past few years. Most, left for distant shores. Some, turned out to be bastards. Sex is only worth 50 bucks. And most of the times, I do not crave sex. I enjoy having a drink and good, if repetitive, conversations.

"Amir, tell me I will meet the right person."

"There are over six billion people in the world today. Perhaps more. It is statistically probable."

The Problem with Not Caring

The problem with not caring is that I can't tell you how much I don't care.

The simple act of talking to a shit-faced asshole like you means that I care enough to enlighten you about my thoughts, which means that I have effectively neutralised my non-caring.

It's like being enthusiastic about apathy.

"I'm so psyched that I am apathetic!"

It just doesn't work.

Lots of thoughts go around in my head every day, and whenever I don't think of any of you dipshits means that at that moment, I don't care about you. So unless I write about your asshole constantly, just take it as a standing statement that I do not give a shit about your gay-wad father. Or his dick in your mouth.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Tai Chi Master

My favourite Jet Li movie must be The Tai Chi Master.

In it, Junbao and Tianbao escaped the Shaolin Monastery after Tianbao's ambition got them expelled.

They joined some rebels, but Tianbao wanted to work for the Government, to get money and prestige. As well as power.

Junbao remained with the rebels, but not doing any rebellious things.

One day, the rebels got into trouble and Tianbao came to 'help', offering his sympathies.

He led the rebels into the Government military compound but then sprang a trap. Tianbao had betrayed them. Sold them off to the Government so that he could be promoted to a position of power.

Junbao, heartbroken, fell into a state of insanity.

This is when Junbao created Tai-Chi.

The movie is full of great martial arts action. This is certainly not how Zhang San Feng (Junbao's later name) came up with Tai Chi, but it was very entertaining.

This is by far one of my favourite pieces of HK cinema.

Freedom

Well, I am truly free.

For the first time in years, I can say that I can move and spread my wings with nothing to hold me back.

No baggage. No considerations. I'm only thinking about myself, right now. I owe no one nothing, except for Maybank and PTPTN.

I am free to work with anyone, for anything.

Freedom, to me, is the most valuable resource. My time and my space can be turned to anything.

I do not care about anything, so the world is ripe for the taking.

Bipole Dancing Disorder

I was really upset last night. Very upset.

And then, today, after a night of working through rage, I feel fine. In fact, I cannot muster even an ounce of hatred and anger.

I think I am crazy. Muahahaha.

But this is the kind of crazy I can live with. The kind of crazy that works for me.

I'm just amazed what 30 minutes of sleep makes.

Now, I'll try another 3 hours.

The House of the Windowless Rooms

In times of trouble, I remember the trials and tribulations of those who came before me.

People like Lucifer, who went to the House of the Windowless Rooms, wingless and powerless, leaving his immortality at the door.

He was only armed, with his wit and his will.

Lucifer had to fight three Japanese Gods and one big Japanese God of Death, plus one demon of the Shiko-Me.

Lucifer prevailed, against all odds. He reclaimed his wings and with it navigated through the new universe he created in defiance of his father - Yahweh.

I remember when Lucifer was struck down by the Bassanos, and he was saved by the most insignificant of all characters, which later turned out to be the most significant.

But what I do remember was the House of the Windowless Rooms. And Lucifer's trials there.

Lucifer had less, and relied on no one and nothing, save from his wit, and his will.

That, at least, gives me hope.

Sejuk Mata Pedang, Dingin Hati

Dalam dunia ni, takde apa yang kekal abadi.

Semuanya ada pengakhiran, bila tiba masa masing-masing. Terlalu naif untuk mengimpikan sesuatu yang kekal selama-lamanya.

Kalau itu yang diharapkan, maka akan kecewa. Dunia ni fana, semua orang akan mati.

"Semua yang baru akan bertukar menjadi buruk," tulis Pak Samad.

Lepas masuk dalam kubur masing-masing, ha, jawablah sendiri.

Kalau manusia pun mati, apatah lagi perasaan? Perasaan hanyalah tindakbalas kimia dalam otak. Marah, sedih, gembira, sifat keji membelot, persahabatan, semuanya akan berakhir.

Ko makan coklat banyak-banyak, rasa gembira. Ko makan taik, rasa cam taik kot?

Aku cuma seorang Penulis Jalangan. Takde aku nak mengimpikan rumah untuk aku pulang. Sahabat yang setia berjuang bersama (walaupun ada Sunder). Itu semua angan-angan kosong seorang yang terlalu muda. Setahun jagung.

Aku dah tua. Tak lama lagi nak mampus. Aku sedar diri, dan aku sentiasa ingat mati.

Bila aku mati, aku tau aku akan mati dengan aman. Walau macam mana pun aku mati. Pasal aku takde pernah nak bertindak jahat kat orang. Mulut longkang ada la. Tapi nak menikam orang, aku tak sanggup.

Terus terang aku cakap, aku tak berani. Bukan takutkan orang, tapi takutkan balasan Tuhan.

Ya. AKu percaya Tuhan. Terkejut? Walaupun Tuhan aku bukanlah Tuhan yang ada seribu tangan atau jenis yang suka memfire orang tak tentu pasal, aku percaya pada konsep Tuhan.

Bukanlah Tuhan yang gila egotistikal, gila disembah dan dipuja - itu bukan Tuhan, itu engko.

Tuhan yang mahu egonya dibelai? Muahahahaha! Lemahnya Tuhan itu.

AKu cuma tau, hidup sebagaimana aku percaya. Jujur dan terang. AKu percayakan Kebenaran, walau bagaimana pun aku rugi, dicaci, dicerca, ditipu, diherdik, diumpat, dibelot atas sebab pegangan aku.

AKu tak pernah mendoakan keburukan kepada orang, cuma mendoakan Kebenaran. Yang sebenarnya, tak perlu dipinta. Kebenaran akan terserlah jua.

Aku doakan Kebenaran untuk semua orang.

Moga kau akan dapat mencium bau Kebenaran sebelum kau mampus dan masuk ke neraka jahanam.

Valerie's Letter. Again

Whenever I feel lost, abandoned, betrayed or whatever, I read and re-read Valerie's letter, from V For Vendetta.

It reminds me of what little values I hold true to myself.

I am not a man of principle. I have never pretended to be one and if that was your impression of me then I do apologise.

I am not religious at all, and I do consider religion to be dangerous, but I do have faith in some things. This letter, encapsulates some of it. Not the gay part, though I do love lesbians - especially Alan Moore.

There are some things the price of which are so low, but with values that are in essence, priceless.

A few metres of fabric for your mother. A smile for your family. A cup of tea or a can of beer for an old friend. Throwing quotes from your favourite shows or books at each other. Sharing an in-joke. All these, are very cheap, but like Alan Moore's last inch of integrity, priceless.


I don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.

I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a women. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.

In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie

X

Apa Ada Pada Sang Elektron

Sang Elektron adalah watak komik terjemahan Pendekar Laut kegemaran aku.

Kenapa?

Pasal pada satu jangkamasa, Sang Elektron telah berlawan dengan hampir semua watak dalam Pendekar Laut, di sebuah padang di Afrika. Kecuali Pendekar Laut, Raja Singa dan Jerung Raksasa, Sang Elektron telah mencabar kesemua watak yang lain.

Ini termasuk bekas rakan seperjuangannya seperti Break Dream dan yang lain. Yang telah dibrainwash.

Kenapa? Pasal integriti. Sang Elektron tidak mahu berpura-pura yang Sindiket Blue Dream adalah sindiket yang baik, malah adalah sebuah pertubuhan yang berulat di tengah-tengahnya, akibat cita-cita hitam Thien Wu dan anaknya Blue Dream.

Malah, Sang Elektron, Raja Ubur-ubur dan yang lain telah diculik datipada ibu bapa mereka dan dipasang alat kawalan Dreammaker semata-mata mahu mengawal ingatan mereka.

Malah, Orga pernah meninggalkan Sindiket Blue Dream tetapi disembunyikan fakta itu oleh semua orang, termasuk Orga sendiri.

"Ya, memang aku boleh berpura-pura tiada apa yang berlaku," kata Sang Elektron. "Tapi, adakah aku manusia lagi kalau aku berbuat begitu?"

Jadi, Sang Elektron melawan Sindiket Blue Dream. Dia hampir berjaya menghapuskan Sindiket itu, kalau bukan campurtangan si hipokrit Orga. Ini merupakan titik tolak kebencian aku pada Orga dan Hitomi. Kuat, tapi tak berakal dan tidak berhati perut.

Sang Elektron satu-satunya watak jaguh handalan yang memberi impak besar kepada aku, semasa aku muda. Dia tahu dia akan mati, tapi adakah dia berganjak daripada pendiriannya? Keupayaannya jauh lebih rendah daripada Orga, mahupun Blue Dream. Adakah dia mengalah?

Tidak sama sekali. Kenapa?

"Sebab aku, Sang Elektron, hebat! Hebat! Hebat!"

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lepasan Arhat

Aku ada deadline kena kejar malam ni, tapi paru-paru aku buat hal. AKu akan tidur kejap dan bangun untuk menyudahkan kesemuanya. AKu tau semuanya amat tahil (mustahil = impossible; tahil = possible) sekali.

Kena jaga kesihatan diri. Tanpa kesihatan aku, hapah takleh buat.

Aku akan bermeditasi dan bertafakur, sambil memikirkan bagaimana hendak mengasingkan diri daripada dunia kepahlawanan tak berapa lama lagi.

Tak mengapa. Aku ibarat Sang Elektron dalam Pendekar Laut Generasi 1. Walaupun watak picisan, tapi mampu membunuh separuh Sindiket Blue Dream. Selebihnya, aku tinggalkan untuk kau, Pendekar Laut!

Newspaper Trends

Some interesting things about newspapers by Uppercaise.

I don't know Uppercaise and since this blog is free, I can't be half-assed to check any of his figures, which may be inaccurate or whatever.

But if what he is saying is true, then we are following an almost global average - if we exclude special cases like Japan - of declining newspaper sales.

They will blame it on journalists, editors and perhaps even the tea lady, if this is true and as one of those people myself, I must agree somewhat.

The most clear statement, was made by Datuk Sakmongkol:

The decline in NST’s circulation and therefore relevance may actually be caused by these things in the “many”. The “many” in the NST are from the school of journalism from one educational institution. And you know they operate like a secret society, guarding entry into the brotherhood, jealous of anyone not schooled in the same values. Above all, they have this overinflated notion of self-importance that THEY and THEY ALONE have the right to have an opinion on anything. This is the main cause of NST’s degeneration.
Sakmongkol AK47


I don't know about the secret society, and if there is one, sign me up! That, or the jealously-guarded privilege to have an opinion. I believe that newspapers have printed people's opinions counter to what was published in the papers on a regular basis, if the pieces are written well and the points explained properly.

But what I do agree with is the point made which says about the exclusion of the public on having an opinion. I am not saying they are, in newspapers, as there are multiple channels, but I believe that there is a better and easier way for them to express themselves - the Internet.

I believe that MOST people only want to read two things:

1. Things they write themselves

- Humans are such self-absorbed creatures.

2. Things that they agree with.

- Most will spend less time on articles that they do not agree with than with articles that fortify their own thoughts and opinions. There are some who read to gain knowledge, but I believe more read simply to feel good about themselves. It's an ego thing.

- This explains why, whenever I tell people bad news, they tend to hate me for it. So these days, I just shut up and allow them to discover things all on their own.

Going by these, I do not believe that normal newspapering and newspaperism will sell 50-100 years from now. ANyone who is in the business now may be able to make a living out of it, and their sons or daughters might, but a third generation to me seems a bit off.

I have always believed that journalists, in order to remain relevant, need to evolve and roll with the punches. Using the same skill sets, writers can still be of contribution - or cause destruction - to the society.

I have a solution I want to try out, but it will take at least RM3 million in two years' time. And several million in ensuing years.

You think they will let me try? I doubt it. I believe I have a better chance aiming for an Oscar than getting it done.

I'm just an old-fashioned hack.

Himat Mencuci Sum-sum Tulang

Adakah dengan menyebatikan lapan belas sarira-sarira itu, aku mampu bertemu apsara?

Mungkin tidak.

Lepasan Arhat!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Life is Not That Dramatic

It's pretty simple, really.

You do bad things to people, and bad things happen to you. Be good, and MAYBE some good stuff happens your way.

Pretending to do good things while in the service of your own ego, will only result in bad things.

It's all elementary.

Oh well. Fuck should I care?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

God is in His Toilet, All's Right With the World

It's 7.30 in the morning. I woke up three hours ago, and for some unfathomable reason, I feel good. This is going to be a great day. I know it.

I have deadlines to catch and people to contact. Emails to send.

I feel young. Refreshed. Energetic. Sharp. Very. I feel the confidence of youth with some insights that come with age.

I know what people did and are doing. And you know what? I couldn't care less.

Everything is clear to me, and I know what I want to do. Timing is of the essence, but I am not impatient.

Hindus believe in yugas or cycles, and I think I just passed Kaliyuga - the cycle of the apocalyptic demon Kali. A cycle of destruction.

Now, it should fall to the Satya Yuga - or the Golden Age. Or the first and most important age. By personal definition, of course.

Satya Yugas are cycles where wisdom and enlightenment rule supreme. Knowledge, meditation and kind acts, blah blah blah.

I look around me, and I breathe in the air. And the smoke, of course. And a sense of calm presides over me. Winamp seems to know my mood.

I may be bad, but I feel good.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend

This DRILL! Is MAH SOUL!

Urotsukidoji: Rebirth of the Overfiend

Three years ago, I sealed a part of me in order to obtain something. Well, that's all gone, and I released that side. It is done.

I feel alive again. I feel complete. I feel dangerous. There is electricity in the air. I am living on edge again.

There is nothing you can do to stop me now. No power in the universe can.

I end my turn.

The Path of Nine Kingdoms

I woke up to charge my phone. There is an early morning meeting tomorrow and I have only averaged two hours of sleep every night for the past two weeks.

I believe that we do not allow ourselves to be happy, unless we are true to ourselves and on our own path.

I might be wrong. Maybe there is happiness in denial. Bliss in ignorance. I don't know, and would never know, because of the decisions I made in life counter to that.

I am not sorry that I cannot live like you all do. I am not sorry, that perhaps I have inherited my father's stubbornness.

I cannot compromise on some things, and there are things others value that I do not, and vice versa. It is not a competition about who is right and who is wrong, or who is better. It is just is.

I have learned some things over the years, and perhaps one of the most important is that you can disallow things and people to influence you and your life. Your life is yours and there is nothing anyone else can do about it.

We all have more power over ourselves than we admit or even allow. Because if we recognise that, it means taking responsibility for ourselves and most people do not want to do that. They always want to be told what to do, so they could have someone to blame.

Blame is weak. Blaming shows how weak you are, and none of us are weak, in any capacity. I don't buy into that bullshit. I believe that each and every one of us has the power to change anything. Not everything, though.

As I draw the Tiger Year to a close, I grab the Rabbit by the throat and bite into it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

FAP

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