Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Man-Woman Interface

I discovered one thing recently. Two things, really.

Number one, I have been observing why feminist regimes seem to hate gay men.

Apparently, most women still think of themselves as hos. In the sense that they feel secure about living in a man's world when they think that they can have ultimate victory using the trump card, their last bargaining chip - the pussy.

It's like negotiating some shit and then, when things get to a stalemate, the woman, I'm sorry, the ho, puts the pussy on the table and say, "What about now?"

They believe that pussy is the most valuable thing in the world.

Which is true. I believed that bullshit. Till I'm 25.

So anyway, they are either threatened or attracted to gay men because the pussies don't work on gay men.

Throw a pussy at a gay dude and he'd be like, "What the fuck is this fishy bullshit?"

I noticed that gay men are impervious to pussy. For some women - especially those whose pussies have dried up or stink like a rotting carcass - this is dangerous.

Knowing full well my own vulnerabilities, I went to Thailand to study under the Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud.

After realising that good pussy is only worth RM50, I was well on my way to be free of hypno-pussy. Not being gay, cause I'm straight, but because when you slap the exact value of something, it's no longer magical or unobtainable.

I am no longer under the spell of the hypno-pussy.

And this, gets a lot of women feel threatened. Their equivalent of a nuclear warhead - I can walk away from, unscratched.

I mean, when you have experienced the Seven Positions of Buddha, what the fuck can the other bitches offer you?

The danger is, when women find out that you are non-pussy-penetrable, they will try various ways to discredit you.

Oh well. That's the way it goes.

I challenge any good-looking woman to offer me pussy, so that I could turn them down.

Try me.

Strip in front of me, and gyrate your hips, offering your pussy. I'll just stomp on your pussy.

And when you yell, "Why?!"

I'll just say, "Checking for bees."

Monday, December 28, 2009

Who is the next AF Principal?

The Malay Mail has the story here.

It is merely a possibility, not a certainty, but I hope Norman gets the job. It'll be cool!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Glee: New Underwear

KUALA LUMPUR: Amir Hafizi is excited about tomorrow, because he will be wearing his new underwear.

"I always go through a pair of boxers every month, because normal clothing can't contain my august nature," said Amir Hafizi.

"So this Christmas, some Pierre Cardin boxers were on sale. I know they're not cK, but they'll do the trick. So I bought four pairs, at RM9.90 each!"

Wearing his new, RM9.90 boxers will also grant Amir superpowers such as invisibility, impregnation, X-ray vision and pussy-pathy.

The police and FRU have been alerted to this new development and has dispatched 50,000,000 additional troops into KL tomorrow.

"The whole exercise will cost RM870 trillion," said some random police spokesperson. "But it's for the safety of the public."

Roadblocks will be set up at main routes. Tomorrow, DUKE, Federal Highway, PLUS and LPT will be closed to accomodate this major television event.

Executioner's Song: Boxing Day Blast

I spent the whole of Boxing Day having a soiree and slipping in a barnstorming brainstorming session amidst roasted chikin and mee bandung.

Mee bandung, the original version, takes over 24 hours of preparation. It involves making beef stock from two kinds of beef cuts, squid, shrimp as well as the six-hour sambal. That's sambal you need to cook for at least six hours, on slow-cook, to get it right.

I first tasted this dish - the real one - around five years ago, and have never forgotten it. The care and effort put into it is amazing. The eating part takes only 10 minutes, after slaving for over a day. Thank God I wasn't the one cooking it.

As for the rest, I will do a proper year-end round-up soon. There will be some interesting announcements soon, so watch this space!

I've been coasting all this while, so it's time to shift into second gear. Just like fucking, you need to take it slow, establish a rhythm, and then push off from there. I mean, foreplay alone usually takes an hour, for an experienced fucker like me.

Gear 2 involves a lot more stuff. And woe, woe, woe to the denizens of Earth.

The ego has landed.

Break-fasting News Story

Sehati Berdansa ended last night. Nana and Sein won. The big news, though was about hosts Awal and Scha, who were allegedly arrested at an illegal entertainment outlet on Christmas eve.

Here is their full side of the story.

War Strumpets

And I beat on the drums of war.

One quote will suffice:

And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of Heaven, saying with a loud voice, "Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the Earth" - the Book of Revelations

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I See It

A lot of people are asking me, should they go see Avatar. No, they ask me, whether they will like it.

The answer? I don't know! I don't know whether you will like the movie or not. I'm not you! And since I didn't make it, I don't care.

Watched Avatar for the third time in 3D this week. Also just found out that Avatar will not open in Japan and China until a week or two from now.

Since Japan and China usually get stuff over there first, I am lucky to be in Malaysia this time around.

The latest show I saw was at GSC Signature, 3D in Premier Class. If possible, I will watch every week until this thing closes, and I'm buying the original DVD.

Love it, love it, love it!

Is it the best movie ever made? No. But it kicks ass.

There are some detractors, for sure. For various reasons. Some people just didn't like it. They didn't like the 3D, the CGI or the storyline. Some just hate James Cameron. I am indifferent to the guy, but hats off anyway.

Which is fine. I mean, the only important opinion for me, is my own. And I love it.

In the cinema, there was this couple, sitting across the aisle. They were watching, and the man-bitch had to explain every single scene to his cow. The woman is a cow because she needs to be herded.

I hate people talking in cinemas as a principle, and this has nothing to do with Avatar. I will get pissed off even if it's say, Sembilu 2 or Ninja.

I had half a mind to go creep behind them and whisper, "I see you."

Next time, I'm bringing a knife. If you talk in the cinema while I'm watching anything other than trailers, I will go to where you sit and slit your throat.

Anyway, all this attention and love for Avatar will give rise to an opposite reaction. Hate.

There will be SOME people who will proclaim loudly how they hate the movie not because they hate the movie, but because they want to be cool. Want to be different. Wannabes!

Since when is watching movies a fashion statement? Ah, yes, nevermind. That's very pathetic, though.

Well, fortunately, Avatar has not developed a cult like Twilight. End of the day, it's a movie. Nothing more, nothing less. And I love it. I'm going to watch it over and over again. I hope Cameron does a trilogy. I hope it makes a billion dollars.

Just like, if they show the original Kami (with Sudirman) again, I'm gonna watch it quite a few times.

If you ask me, all I can say is that I love it, and will continue to go and see it. You may not like it, for whatever reason. Just don't yell at my face. I know you're not cool. So fuck off.

Friday, December 25, 2009


Some time ago, I was out there, right? Minding my own business when a friend called me up and said, "You know what they're saying about you?"

Me: Me? What?

Friend: They're saying, "Look at Amir. He's unhappy because of his faith."

I was like, what the fuck?

Me: What the fuck?

Friend: Yeah, yeah!

Me: What is my faith, then?

Friend: They're saying you're an atheist.

Oh well.

Man, I'm not an atheist. Atheists don't believe in God. I do. My religion is, for the record, 'Not a devout Muslim'.

But first of all, what business is it for you to talk about my personal beliefs? You wanna try and talk back about Islam, go ahead. Just cause you say anything, doesn't make it true. You wanna talk about atheism, go ahead. I do. I just don't get personal with it, which is my own personal justification.

Years and years ago, I got a similar call. Another friend.

Friend2: You know what they're saying about you?

Me: Huh? Me?

F2: They're saying, "Look at where Amir is now! He's miserable, broke and lonely."

Me: What?

I was pissed off for a full five minutes. Because my ego wanted to tell them how if I'm miserable and lonely, I go to Thailand. That's why I'm broke all the time.

Haven't been to Thailand in a while, cause I need some money. My parents are sick, and I have debts I need to attend to. Thailand can wait. And one of the things I learned, trained myself for, in Thailand, is how to be independent of desire which makes you miserable and lonely.

The gospel of the Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud.

Anyway, apparently, a few years ago, I was used as an example of a failure. Oh, what fools these mortals be.

I believe that if you have a good head screwed on your shoulders, you can do many things. The world is a big place. There are lots of people. Just because you don't like something or someone, does not make everything about that some one or some thing bad.

The ego likes to tell you that your opinion matters. It does, but not in the way that you might think.

Number one, you are not God. Be, and so be it. No. You're just man.

Number two, everyone's got an opinion.

And here's the great secret number three: people might have opinions that differ from yours. Shock! Horror!

Additional point: opinions are neither right nor wrong.

I used to want to fight these idiots. Put me in a ring, and I'll fucking shooting star press your ass.

But no. That's just a waste of time. These fuckers eventually die.

These days, I just jack off to porn. That's more productive.

Thank You, Jesus!

I like Christmas. It's one of those celebrations when I don't have to do anything.

I mean, I'm half-Chinese, right? So aside from Hari Raya Aidilfitri, where I would be part of a dysfunctional team (my family) to host and serve and feed over 400 people, there's also Chinese New Year.

Chinese New Years mean visiting four houses - uncles and aunts. My grandfather passed away more than 10 years ago, I think.

So Rayas and Chinese New Years, I'll be fucking busy. With my family. My family are pain-worshippers, to a degree.

If you're not doing at least two things at the same time, you're a useless bastard. Every Raya, I used to be stirring something in the wok, cleaning the floor (which will get greasy anyway) as well as start up fires on two other portable charcoal stoves.

That's why we all left home at 12. All my siblings left at 12 years old. Made sure we got good enough results to be accepted somewhere.

Every Chinese New Year, I'd be missing out on great TV, so that we could go and visit relatives. I missed Transformers The Movie (the cartoon version) for three years straight. As well as Robotech II: The Sentinels twice.

And I couldn't eat everything anyway, back then. Nothing fried, nothing too heavy, just oranges and subnflower seeds or some shit.

Nowadays, I just laugh as I munch on some dubiously halal treats.

Christmas, well it's different. I don't have to go back home. I don't have to receive visitors. I don't have to do shit.

In fact, I just drank half a bottle of benadryl. I'm gonna go to sleep soon. Glorious, glorious holiday.

Thank you, Jesus!

God Bless, Every One!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!




God bless, every one.

I see you.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Intermission: Satori

So I end this short working week by going to bed at 5am. Usually, I sleep at 4am. Tonight, after coming home at 1am, I decided to just relax and do nothing.

I have a feeling of accomplishment today, which is good. Because tomorrow, there is a new aspect of the job I need to find out. Am looking forward to that.

Am also looking forward to Christmas. On Christmas day, I have a barbecue to attend. One of my friends is doing one. And on Boxing Day, I am going to another friend's place.

I don't know what's going to happen beyond that. I realise the futility of planning, so am not doing that.

I like to be empty for tomorrow. Listen and find out more information.

LKS: Lu Kena Saman?

Korang dengar cerita?

Barry Wain tulis buku, Malaysian Maverick (Orang Malaysia yang Tak Ikut Peraturan) tuduh Dr M bazirkan RM100 billion masa jadi PM.

Lim Kit Siang terlompat-lompat dalam blog dia. Mintak PM kita, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak buat suruhanjaya nak siasat benda ni. Buat nampak, bagi aku, macamlah betul.

Dr M jawab. Dia cakap, buat le suruhanjaya. Siasat la. Siasat bagi perabih. Tapi jangan kasi orang Malaysia je, nanti dia cakap ngelat (tipu). Dia suruh ambiklah orang Transparency International (Persatuan Keterbukaan Antarabangsa) masuk sekali. Pastu, bergantung pada hasil siasatan, dia mungkin nak saman Lim Kit Siang, Malaysiakini dengan Barry Wain. Habih semua sekali nak saman.

Lim Kit Siang dengar je saman, terus menggelabah. Enam posting kat akaun Twitter dia pasal hal ni. Pergilah Google sendiri, tengok.

Masa orang DAP duk riuh nak saman orang, takde la sangat dia bising camni.

Dak, kot ye pun nak tuduh Dr M, siasat le dulu. Dia public figure. Tokoh yang dikenali umum. Bukan jiran ko, kalau nak ngumpat. Bukan member ko nak minum teh tarik.

Aku tak tau hasil siasatan suruhanjaya tu, pasal tak start lagi. Aku tak tau Dr M betul atau salah. Kot ye memang betul, tepat sampai ke angka perpuluhan, dia bazirkan RM100 billion? Mungkin tak.

Tapi seronok la, tengok orang tua gaduh. Kita yang muda ni, diam je la, nengok kat tepi.

Kalau dengan Astro, aku nak tengok wrestling, aku bayar duit pasal nak tengok Wrestlemania, yang ni free je.

Luck of the Draw

I've always been lucky. And I say this with full humility. Not with hubris. Not with arrogance.

Things have a way of falling into place. I mean, I work like shit at every job I get. It was never without any struggle, anywhere I go. In fact, it has always been a struggle EVERYWHERE, for EVERYTHING.

The good, the bad, the easy and the hard - it comes as a full package.

I have pissed off so many people in my short life, and I have pleased others as well. Entertained others. Made and lost friends. Badabing, badaboom. Oh well. That's how it goes.

A few things, and a few things only I hold true.

1. No comparisons

I don't compare myself with how easy it is for, say, the son of a rich man to live his life. I used to fucking hate rich kids. They don't have to work. Just sit there, open their mouths, and a nipple comes in. For food AND pleasure.

If I do that, I go crazy. Trust me. I did.

I focus on only what I want to do.

2. No ambition

Ambition has destroyed so many people. I have seen good people fall prey to envy, greed and hatred. Why? Cause of Desire. Desire is always cruel.

In Neil Gaiman's Sandman Comics, the anthropomorphic personification of Desire is a self-centered, jealous, spiteful being. Beautiful, but breaks your hear at every opportunity.

The twin of Desire, is Despair. I would rather be in the realms of Dream, Destruction and Delirium rather than be trapped in Desire's Threshold.

Buddha spoke against Desire. The whole point of Buddhism is this: Mankind suffer because we have desires. Desire can be controlled or kept in check.

The most dangerous desire, the most dangerous ambition, is the desire to be right. People who want to be right all the time, people who NEED to be right, those who need to have moral superiority at every juncture, is only headed for a path of suffering. Their moments of happiness are fleeting and unsatisfying, always on the brink or at the necks of other people.

Try this. Think of all the wrong things you have done. Think of all the times you have been wrong. Don't resist it. Accept it. Be okay with it.

Without desire to propel me forward, I have written two books, seven movies and countless TV programmes.

3. Humility

Jesus, or was it Buddha, who said, "When invited to a meal, always sit lower than the host, so that they may ask you to sit at a higher place."

People who read my shit here may think I am arrogant, and I do not blame them.

I realise that my arrogance - in fact, any form of arrogance or hubris or pride - comes from insecurities.

Pride, envy, anger, hate - all of them stem from insecurities and a madness that is non-peaceful.

Also, know that no matter how good you are, there are always people who can do better things.

Above every cloud, floating high in the sky, there is a higher cloud - Pedang Setiawan.

In fact, the notion of better, only exists in the egoic mind. Minds that can't comprehend every thing or person as just is. When you are at peace, there is no concept of better.

I realise as well that most of the things I get in life are because I was lucky. I was lucky to be born, though I don't think my parents should have had a fourth child.

I was lucky to get a job right after I graduated. I was lucky to survive so many things. I was lucky to be afforded the opportunity to learn so many things, and so many things still.

I am lucky to have friends. I am lucky to still have both my parents, as well as my family. I guess. No matter how much I complain about them all the time, I know that my family will always be there for me, no matter what. Even the jealous ones.

To be grateful, is to be humble, to pay tribute to something larger than yourself. To remove yourself from the centre of the universe and place something else there. Call it God, probability, chance, luck or whatever.

Remember that to remove yourself as the centre of the universe, is to allow yourself to BECOME the universe. You're so fucking big, no one can attack you. You can't fight space.

Islam means 'submission'. It's not to get people to submit to your will, but to submit yourself to the will of something greater. In submission, lies power.

Jesus said, "Deny thyself." The 'self' he is talking about, in my opinion, is the 'needy little me' that keeps on having ambition, desire things amd has a constant need to be right and the centre of whatever.

To get all this and to understand more, send me USD400 million. Everyone gets to chip in! Send me RM10,000 each, to Maybank account 114487051142. Name: Amir Hafizi Mohamed Sood.

Remember, Xenu, who is fucking Eywa, sees you.

A Brief History of Malaysia: Through the Eyes of a Pimp Masta

Like I said, Avatar awakened some long-dormant nationalism in me. I love that movie, as if it was my own. Impressed with the technology, the love, the effort, and am just enjoying the story.

Not since Dances With Wolves with that actor I don't really enjoy - Kevin Costner - or South Park's Dances With Smurfs have the crimes of colonialists and exploitation motherfuckers be shown in all its glory.

But fuck fantasy, let's get real.

Around 500 years ago, invaders from Portugal came over here and killed a lot of people. Why? They needed cinnamon. Took our land, kicked our asses, fucked the women... For what? For cinnamon. For star anise. Particularly cloves, nutmeg and mace grown mostly in the Maluku Islands, also known as the Spice Islands back in the day.

Enslaved us for fucking food! So they could open Auntie Annie's and some shit. If you go to Europe, and find a stripper named Cinna-buns, know that cinnamon came from around here, and India. That's our heritage right there, in the names of a stripper.

And then the Dutch took over. From 1641 till 1824. Almost 183 years of occupation, with periods under British control due to the Napoleonic Wars. 183 years of invasion.

Think about that for a moment. Considering that the life expentacy for people here during that time was around 30-50 years, that's between three to six generations.

And then they traded us, like some form of commodity, to the English in 1824. One of the London Treaties. Let me break it down for you. They gave everything north of the straits to the English, and everything south of it to the Dutch.

And then, from 1824 to 1957, we were dominated by the English. With some time under Japan and a horrific, bloody time under the fucking Communists.

Gold, Gospel, Glory and all that shit. Asia for Asians and all that bullshit. We didn't have that much gold, so they found other shit to take. People in this region were back then either pagans, Hindus, Muslims or mostly an amalgamation of everything. They came in and brought Christianity.

For that, I thank them. Cause now we have Christmas as one of our holidays.

Glory. Glory, glory, glory. I guess old Rodney needed a manor of his own, eh? Cause back home, he'd be shovelling coal in Newcastle.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not preaching hate. I'm not preaching pain. Lots of people preach pain. I'm in the corner, with doubt as my product. Doubt, and Devil May Care.

I mean, these things happened many, many years ago. By people long dead. If we suffered, as a nation, as a race, those were our forefathers, not us. If some fucker raped someone's mother, that was centuries ago, by other people.

My mother was not raped by any Portuguese man of war, so I'm cool with Jose Mourinho. I hate Cristiano Ronaldo, cause he dives better than Jacques Cousteau, but Ronaldo has never raped anyone here... yet. Not as far as I know.

The invaders also came here and fucked up India, China, the Philippines, Indonesia and whatever else. Countries that have always survived were Japan(until the Second World War), Thailand and... I guess that was it?

Anyway, after 450 years of being grind under the heels of the motherfuckers, we have developed some sort of Stockholm Syndrome, when it comes to those fuckers.

Some things, are admittedly good. Google's good. Windows Vista is good. Oops. Sorry. Windows Vista is perhaps one of the greatest crimes against humanity known to man. As well as Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. But the Canadian government has reportedly apologised for Bryan Adams on several separate occassions. Nothing yet on Celine Dion.

But fuck 'em. Fuck all of them. The only thing I learned from all this shit is that no matter what, we still had stuff other people want. I am not sure what that is. Not gold, for we never really had gold. Not that much. And spice is just a lame excuse. We're not Arrakis.

I believe that they were looking for people. Cause people, are the greatest resource you can find. So much so, that even Pak Lah rose from his lumbering, slumbering leadership and put human capital as the main thrust of his administration. Or so he said.

People, are everything. I'm in the newspaper business, and we report about what people do. If people don't do anything, there are no stories. So much of everything depends on people.

While it is impossible to please everyone all the time, the only thing we can do for the country is to create an environment for people to thrive in. We take care of information, and information, is magic.

Alan Moore thinks so.

"Spells are basically how you spell things. Grimoire - book of magic - is just French (earlier, Latin) for grammar," said Moore, more or less.

Gold, gospel and glory. Without the mind of the buyer, gold has no value. No use spreading the words of God, if there are no human ears to listen to them. Glory is recognised by other people.

Now, I don't really like people. I'm ego-centric. Self-centered. But I do recognise the importance of people.

In Avatar, the humans disregarded the people and faced lots of problems. Our invaders, for 500 years, manipulated us as they would cattle. It might take another 500 years, but Asia will rise and perhaps spread forth in search of gold, gospel and glory.

Times change, people don't.

I just hope that we are smart enough to learn from our own past not to repeat our or other people's mistakes.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Brave Cause Right

When I was younger, I often observed, with anger in my heart, how people took advantage of my father's good intentions. They spread malicious lies about him, how he took bribes from the3 Government, how he orchestrated the registering of phantom voters for BN (despite BN losing Kuantan in the last elections). We would get anonymous calls from people in the middle of the night, to give him a piece of their mind.

He took them with stride. With some degree of righteousness, as to be expected, but he was cool with it.

Then,l when some of those fuckers come to my house, to seek help on this or that, I was waiting for my father to destroy them. He didn't. He helped them out. With whatever they needed help with.

I asked him afterwards, "Why did you do that?"

Father: Do what?

Me: Help those monkeys? Why don't you just let them die?

F: Amir...berani kerana benar.

It meant that if you are in line with the truth, you have nothing to fear.

Many years after that, I was sitting down in a pub somewhere, when I was witness to some great things being done. Perhaps at the cost of one man's freedom.

I asked him, "Why did you do that?"

Dude: Amir...berani kerana benar.

He said it, half in jest, of course, but whoop there it is!

And now, Dr M is facing accusations from Barry Wain that he mismanaged or misappropriated or whatever miss it is - wasted, perhaps - RM100 billion during his tenure.

DAP's Lim Kit Siang is calling for a commission to investigate these claims.

Dr M's response? Classic.

He is for it. You can read it here.

My favourite part is the one at the end:

12. Depending upon the result of the commission, I reserve the right to sue Barry Wain, Lim Kit Siang and Malaysiakini.com for libel for a sum to be disclosed later.

13. If the Government is witholding the book: "Malaysian Maverick: Mahathir Mohamad in Turbulent Times", I would request that the book be released forthwith. I am not in need of Government protection.

Now, I won't pretend to know anything about Wain's claims, or Kit Siang's. I do not know whether they are true or otherwise.

But I do know this: Dr M has balls.

People often accept that Dr M is corrupt. Like, RM100 billion corrupt. Now, he has a chance to prove his detractors wrong. Put them on the spot. You gotta back what you say.

Which goes to show that if you want to live in this world, you need to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

You need to have courage.

The cowards fire one shot and then run like roaches. The truly brave ones keep on hammering until everything stops moving. The only caveat is: you need to be in alignment with the truth. If you are, there is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to fear.

The truth will make you invincible. Untouchable.

That's why truth and freedom are perhaps the two best things in the world. Never shy away from the truth. Because with truth on your side (and not righteousness), you will be free.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Pendekar Lauk-Pauk

Hari tu, aku mencari masakan claypot yang terhebat di Bangsar. Setelah kecewa dengan restoran Cina yang ada juga menghidangkan babi dan katak, tetapi gagal secara menyeluruh dalam perihal masakan claypot, aku mendekati isu ini dengan penuh hati-hati.

Japl. Refresh Google news, takut Lindsay Lohan mati.

Okeh. Aku pun menjejakkan kaki ke Bangsar, Sabtu lepas. Aku cari di Lucky Garden. Kiri, kanan, semua takde. Aku tanya satu mamat ni.

Dia cakap, "Claypot jual malam saja."

Masa tu, pukul 12 tengahari. Okaylah, aku pun makan nasi ayam lipas. Nasi ayam lipas adalah nasi ayam di gerai lipas. Gerai lipas adalah gerai yang dipenuhi lipas.

Selepas makan, mesti sakit perut. Mujur aku ada pil arang yang boleh mnyerap semua toksin.

Selepas makan, dan sakit perut, aku kembali keesokan harinya, untuk mencari masakan claypot yang hebat. Pada pukul 10 malam.

Malang tidak berbau, kedai itu baru saja tutup.

Aku: Ni, bukak bila ni?

Nyonya: Cuti sampai Rabu depan. Bukak 5 petang sampai 10 malam.

Dengan hati yang patah, aku pun pergi makan nasi ayam di restoran tidak halal - Ipoh Old Town.

Nasi ayamnya telah melanggar undang-undang nasi ayam - mereka menggunakan nasi putih!

Oh, betapa aku dalam kesakitan! Kesakitan!

Aku takkan makan kat situ lagi.

In Zodd We Trust

I can't remember. St George killed the dragon. So who killed the demon? St Michael? Right?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Another Unprecedented Attack on Liberals: Just for Fun

So I came back early from an event tonight, to rest at home. I have itchy fingers, so I can't stay still. If my fingers aren't inside some pussy, they starts to move on their own.

Before I jack off, I decided to attack liberals. Malaysian liberals, are like the now-extinct Neon-Green Limping Zebras of the Serengeti. They're the easiest targets ever.

First of all, they're defensive as hell. They try to take the moral high ground, but conservatives are already there. With nowhere to go, they're fucking screwed, man.

So I was surfing the net, trying to find liberals to goof on. I couldn't find any. All them motherfuckers dead.

Oh well. I am content to wait.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Intermission: Gone with the Boron (World's Most Boring Man)

Tonight, I met an old friend I haven't seen in more than three years. She has lost a lot of weight and now looks really hot.

We traded stories and stuff.

On the national front, the Malaysian football team won gold, due to an own goal by the opponents. Congratulations.

I was more fascinated by reactions from fans, Malaysians like me.

Some people were realistic.

"We won by an own goal. I'm not overly joyed or anything. A gold's a gold, still."

Some, were outright negative.

"Elehhhh.. we won by an own goal. That doesn't count!"

And yet more, who never supported the Malaysian team, suddenly love them to bits.

Well, I guess Malaysian football does deserve a break. Enjoy the spotlight while it lasts, guys. Enjoy the love.

Cause (mostly) everybody... loves a winner. Blablabla.

I watched Avatar this week, which to me is the best movie in the last 10 years. I love the 'evil colonists vs tree-hugging native hippies' angle. Makes me feel so very the nationalistic.

No matter what, I still love Malaysia. I want to improve on certain things in the country, I want to do some stuff. I know some shit are just fucked up, but it's not that bad.

I'm betting everything on Malaysia. Two years ago, up till last year, I had the chance to leave. For some reason which I did not fully comprehend back then, I didn't. I turned my back on money, a more developed society and better Internet, so that I could be here.

I have no malicious intent, though I do believe that some people should die. Fuck off and die.

But I'm staying. Not because I am a masochist. Far from it. I hate pain. I just believe that it is possible to live without pain in this country. I mean, there's always morphine.

Most pain and suffering are just overreactions and overdramatisations by the ego. To get caught up in it is stupid. And we always have a choice.

I have decided not to live my life in pain. I am so sorry that I can't make the same decision for others. And I can't judge other people's choices. I no longer have a desire to be seen as right. I am arrogant enough to say this:

"I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I know I'm right."

And I'm right to stay. Right here in Malaysia. Fulfilling my function, my aspect. Come what may.

On to cheerier things. My first movie came out! MySpy! Yay! Woo! In two years, I wrote seven movies. I think three will come out soon. The rest are in good hands. I mean, MySpy was sent and before I knew it, it was finished and was in the cinemas already.

I met a fancy French filmmaker once. He told me, most people usually only do 10 movies in their lifetime. I'll try and triple that number or something.

I got stories up my ass, man. Enough to last me four lifetimes. I hope I can do one next year.

Useless to plan, though. I am blessed in the sense that I have always been lucky. I mean, I wasn't born in Rwanda during the fighting between the Hutus and the Tutsis. And though most of my plans are scuppered, it always comes out better than I could ever hope for.

Take MySpy, for instance. I was very much afraid that it would be a bad one, but when I saw it, I didn't hate it. Thank you so very much to the filmmakers for that one. The producers, the director and the editors, actors, key grip, cameramen, line producers, multitude of assistants and whoever else. The movie wasn't just mine. Thanks for including me in the team.

Next year, next year. Ah, well. I shall deal with that when it comes. For tomorrow is another day. I'll do a proper year-end roundup soon.


For Neytiri! For Avatar!

Watching Avatar has awakened a spirit of nationalism in me. Especially after I am using Natio face wash for men.

And so, before I go, let me share with you my favourite nationalist song. It's Irish:

Here are the lyrics:

They come over here and they take all our land
They chop of our heads and they boil them in oil
Our children are leaving and we have no heads
We drink and we sing and we drink and we die

We have no heads, we have no heads

They come over here and they chop off our legs
They cut off our hands and put nails in our eyes
O'Grady is dead and O'Hanrahan's gone
We drink and we die and continue to drink

O'Hanrahan, no O'Hanrahan

They buried O'Neill down in Country Shillhame
The poor children crying a fe dee din de
Hin fle di din fle di din fle de din de
In hey bibble bibble hey bibble bibble hey fle bibble de

O'Hanrahan, no O'Hanrahan

We drink and we sing and we drink and we sing, hey!
We drink and we drive and we puke and we drink, hey!
We drink and we fight and we bleed and we cry, hey!
We puke and we smoke and we drink and we die, hey!

A Christmas Carol: A Review

After watching Avatar, I will have to divide time between two periods.

B.A - Before Avatar.

A.A - After Avatar.

After Avatar, everything is a bit tasteless and dull. Guy Ritchie, one of my favourite directors, and Robert Downey Jr, one of my favourite actors of all time, failed to do much for me with Sherlock Holmes - my favourite fictional detective ever.

And so with some dread, I went and watched Robert Zemeckis' A Christmas Carol. It had Jim Carrey in it, so I was expecting more of his performance in Lemony Snickett.

The result? Humbug! I didn't quite enjoy it, probably because of these reasons:

1. I didn't write the movie.

- I'm biased towards movies I wrote. I like my own work.

2. I just watched Avatar.

- Avatar blew my mind, and I wish Neytiri could give me a blowjob.

3. I have read the original A Christmas Carol shit before, several times, when I was a child.

- and also watched so many TV specials based on it. My favourite take on this classic tale was an animated one, where Scrooge's resistance to Christmas was embodied in his taking snuff, but never allowing himself to sneeze. It was a metaphor for letting go and accepting the world as it is which is missing from A Christmas Carol.

4. I don't like 3D.

- After The Incredibles, no 3D movie has ever caught my fancy. I'm partial to traditional 2D animation, or cell-shading such as the style used for Futurama. Cell-shading is using 3D models, but making it look like 2D. The Japanese anime Vandread uses cell-shading a lot, as well as Blue Submarine No 6, to an extent.

- Avatar is a special case. In fact, since Twilight has their legion of Twilighters and Twihards, I am thinking of setting up Avataristas or Avataricers just to start a bloodbath going.

All in all, a 'meh' from me for A Christmas Carol. I prefer The Polar Express, really.

Carrey's acting was okay, but nothing to shout about. They stayed true to the book, which is good...but...meh.

Anyway, I caught one of the last shows, so this review has no use whatsoever. Just doing it to waste time before I go for an event.

See you later!

Random Horny Attack

I want to fuck her. I want to fuck the blue chick in Avatar. I want to go and yank her organic USB port, and lick it for the better part of an afternoon.

Seven feet tall. Blue. Runs naked in the jungle. Organic USB port. Yeah, I want to also insert my own organic USB intu her port. Yeah...

I don't want Rebecca Romijn. I don't want Mystique. I don't even want Zoe Saldana. I just want Neytiri.

Me: Interface with me, biatch!

Neytiri: Werkh!

Me: Here, kitty, kitty. You want these, huh? You want these?

Neytiri: Khwerrrr!

Me: I wanna fuck you!

Relationships With Everything

I am blessed to have friends. I am not lording it over you all here, but I am grateful to have friends. People who are on my corner, no matter what. Unless I fuck their wives/partners or some shit, I guess.

This appreaciation I found, after years of observing how other people think they have friends, are arrogant about it, and then get stabbed in the back with a lawnmower.

This is especially true, with women. Most women hate each other. They see each one as a competition. In fact, women in general still see everything as a competition, as if we just climbed off that tree and started walking on two legs yesterday.

Women hate other women.

I have seen women who were as close as sisters, stab each other in the back. As soon as the other one is out of sight, is on leave, went to the bathroom or some shit like that, knives are drawn!

Bitch: I love ya, sistah!

Whore: I love you too!

Bitch: I need to go to the bathroom to shove a tampon up my bleeding vagina. Take care! Miss ya!

Whore: Miss ya!

Me: ...

Whore: Oh my God, I just can't stand her!

Me: What? I thought you two were friends. I mean, are friends.

Whore: I can't stand her! She's out to destroy me!

Me: Destroy you? How?

Whore: She thinks she's cute!

Me: ...

Me: ...and?

Whore: She's out to destroy me!

Stab! Stab! Stab!

I just got queasy looking at it.

Even 'mother-daughter' relationships, the master and the apprentice, the carnage made me want to puke. Oh my God! What the fuck, man?

Makes me glad I'm not a woman.

Keeping friends, I have some rules. Like Bill maher or some shit, but just not as funny.

1. Never treat people as enemies, just as possible accomplices.

- WHy? Cause you never know. Some of my best friends right now, are fuckers I thought were lame. Look at Cheepork. Back in school, he was a lame-ass motherfucker. Even lamer than me. At least I knew I wasn't cool.

Right now, he's one of my best friends. He's still lame, cause to a lot of women, he's a dick in a glass case (in case of emergency, break open glass).

Furthermore, it's also about your relationship with the world. If you treat the world and its people as torture, that is EXACTLY what you are going to get. The world will turn into an iron maiden. You won't even be happy when you're dead.

And while some people are out to get your blood, most don't even have the time to think about you, cause they're doing exactly what you're doing - thinking about themselves. You are not the center of other people's universe, just your own.

2. Some things, you just gotta let slide.

For one, politics.

I lost some friends cause I hate the opposition and they're Anwar's cock-suckers. PUS cocksuckers.

If people want to play their racist politics, let them, but don't join in.

Also, religion.

I almost lost one friend cause I gave him Bill Maher's Religulous, which makes fun of religion. He spent four hours trying to find out what brand religion I'm smokin'.

If you ask me, my religion is 'Not a devout Muslim'. I know a lot about religion, but I am not religious. Hell or heaven or a big, black hole, that's not my business. That's God's business.

I also hate loud-mouthed atheists, cause they're just as bad as fundamentalists. Shoving their dogma down people's throats, they can be quite annoying. Like liberals AND conservatives.

So some things, you just gotta let slide. No point focusing on them. Why? Why? Why do you want to focus on something no one has the answer to?

To be right? Man, that's no reason to be friends with anyone. You wanna be right, get a degree and be a lawyer and argue in court. I thought you are with friends to enjoy their company, not to be undisputed asshole of the world.

3. No competition allowed.

Some married people my age get together so they could lord it over each other and compare and compete on how 'sucessful' each one is as compared to the other.

And when I say 'successful', I mean how many kids they have, whose kids are doing better, and how much money they make.

I once talked to some married fuckers and I made the mistake of mentioning that I don't think much of a certain public figure. And he said, "Well, he's successful. He's making money."

What he was trying to say was, "I'm making money. More money than YOU. So fuck YOU!"

Then I started running my mouth about making movies, and he left! Not that I'm making any serious money from movies, I can tell you that. But it was something I had he didn't, and he couldn't handle it.

He needed to be admired, to be envied. What a needy motherfucker. Judgment! But no BFF there.

4. In conclusion

Friends are good. And it's good to have friends from all sorts of places. Just relax and enjoy the ride. A lot of people destroy their lives because of their relationships with the world around them. Everything and everyone is an enemy? Your wish is my command, said the world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go out for a bit.

Appetite for Destruction

I used to study why people get into relationships or why they get married, or stay in abusive relationships - physically, mentally and emotionally - for long periods of time.

I asked them, why do they get married, for instance.

Answers, in no particular order or importance:

1. So that I can have someone to eat with.

- surprisingly, this is the most popular answer. The base instinct of eating takes centrestage, and they just degenerate into Homo Erectus when it comes to finding a mate for eating.

2. I am getting older.

- Truer for women, but most men also go for this bullshit. You're getting older, so? Join the club. Boo fucking hoo.

Your breeding organs shut down? Adopt, foo! There are a billion-kajillion orphans that need care. Go fucking adopt a blind kid or something.

Afraid that when you get old, you'll be ugly? If you think that the only reason people will like you - the ONLY reason - is your looks, and that having people like you is as important as the air you breathe, then you better kill yourself now.

Everyone will be ugly. Jessica Alba will be ugly, one day. Sophia Loren was one day the most beautiful woman in the world. Look at her now. It's normal to grow old, to be ugly, and then to die. When you die, you'll be fucking ugly.

3. In the name of religion.

- Yeah, like 9/11. Like countless wars. Gospel, gold and glory. People have done some really stupid shit for religion, and marriage is one of them.

4. Pressure from [fill in the blanks]

- if you live your life waiting for dictates from other people, can you please do us all a favour and fucking kill yourself right now? Mankind has gone through so much shit to get freedom. To abolish slavery, to have women's suffrage. Giving up that independence - while still a choice in its own - so that you can blame people when things go wrong, is just fucking lame.

All the people I met, when I asked them why they are in this or that relationship, in this or that marriage, or in this or that job, has NEVER, EVER, told me this simple answer:

"I married her cause I love her."

"I am with him cause I love him."

"I am doing this because I love this job."


Such a simple answer.

I asked my parents, why they got hitched. My mother just shut her mouth. My father said, "Cause it was the right time. I just got a job, and everyone just got married and shit."

Eddie Griffin was right.

"Whatever happened to fallin' in love with a nigger with a bus pass? Just cause you loooove the nigger?"

Boston Legal was right.

"What do you mean, marriage is not about money? Marriage has ALWAYS been about money."

Marriage is a social contract. It's a contract recognised by the Government, put in place by the society. Hence, a social contract. If you hate social contracts, then you should hate marriage.

Then, they're all in pain. Which is fine. Sucks to be you, but fuck you. But the whining! Oh, the whining!

"I cheated on my spouse, and then he/she got suspicious of me!"

Like, duh?

If you kick yourself in the nuts, you'll feel pain, right? Cause and effect, motherfucker. It is a bitch.

Now, I'm not knocking relationships or marriage. I think it's stupid, but I'll defend your right to be stupid. It's your choice. You want to be miserable all your life, go ahead. I quit caring about other people's depression. I quit! Fuck you! Stick a Xanax up your ass or something.

The world's melting. India and China may be manipulated by the US to start a nuclear war. And you whine about how your pussy smell? Fuck you!

From now on, I got a new rule. If you worship pain, go and kill yourself. I'm not going to be a lame-ass superhero who's gonna save everybody. I don't have the time. I don't have the right. Pain and suffering is a choice. Most of it. You have cancer? No? Then fuck you.

Sink or swim. No malice or emotion from me. If you're miserable, it's your fault. Deal with it.

Fuck off. And die.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tales from the Drunk Side: When Evil Had Its Day

I took off today, so I could go for an assignment.

My ego is rearing its head. Trying to convince me to destroy, destroy, destroy.

I acknowledge its requests, and then focus on my work. I know what it's capable of. Fuck it, man. I will not tap into the powers of a pain-worshipper. The powers of the whiner. I got too much work to do.

On the flip side, I am so happy to see people so passionate about their work. Most people just won't give a shit. We can certainly work on that. Rather than working with deadbeats and dodgers, I am blessed to have such hardworking colleagues.

For me, I am teetering on the fulcrum of good and evil. Good and evil is, essentially, just judgment. There are no good or evil. There is just is. For now, there is Glee. And sleep. Oh, glorious sleep.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Winding Down

Finally home. Straight from the office. Just watched Glee and now, Fringe. Soon, The Mentalist.

I miss Boston Legal. The best-written show on TV ever. It's smart, funny and is multi-layered. It works on so many different levels.

Oh well. I got a day-long assignment tomorrow. G'nite!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Wrath of Buddha

Using my new Buddha powers of non-judgmental, unemotional, non-hating kicks, I will destroy all pretentious fucks from this planet!



A lot of people seem to want to be cool, but they're stupid, cause the surest way of NOT being cool, is to WANT to be cool.

They think going to parties is cool. Wearing sunglasses is cool. Eating expensive mushrooms dug up by pigs is cool. Watching this movie or that, reading this book or that, listening to this song or that which in turn is associated with their identity, which is then regarded as cool.

Fuck you. That's just the ego, you stupid money-raping ass-munchers.

Nothing in this world is cool.

I hate parties. I hate meeting people. But it's my job sometimes. Do I whine about it? Sometimes. Not all the time, bitches! You whine and bitch about the same old shit, all day, every day, for like 2000 years and you will make everyone bored.

I see people, they tell me the same shitty story, week in, week out.

"Oh they said this, they said that TO MEEEE!"

"When I was younger, I never blabla blabla"

I saw them the next week, and I was like, "Yo bitch, what's up?"

And they went:

"Oh they said this, they said that TO MEEEE!"

"When I was younger, I never blabla blabla"

Oh, for fuck's sake, stick a toilet plunger in your fucking shithole, you fucked up motherfucking cuntsuckers!

If life is so painful, why don't you just go and kill yourself? Save us all the trouble, you little failed-abortion motherfucker!

Wearing shit makes you cool. How? Makes you look good, okay. And? Good looking people are cool? Not necessarily. But whatever. I don't give a shit.

The only thing in the world, the only way to be cool, the only real way, not the pretentious, fucked up, "I wannabe nyehnyehnyeh" thing. THE. ONLY. REAL. WAY.

Is to not give a fuck whether you're cool or not.

You don't care whether you're right, wrong, have a lobster up your ass. Whatever.

You just stop caring.

And that, boys and girls, is the ONLY WAY. To be cool.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Fucking Avatar

I went to see Avatar yesterday, and I immediately want to fuck the blue chick. The seven feet tall blue alien chick. I want to fuck her.

I want to take her organic USB port, and I want to lick it for the better part of an afternoon. After which, I want to ram it up my nostril.

She may look like an azure donkey, but hell, man, aliens are fucking sex-ay!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Intermission: Nightcap

Well, it's been a good, albeit extremely busy week. Did my job, and then some. Couldn't take that day off to sleep, but I managed to sneak in 10 hours in the middle of a six-assignment-weekend.

To top it off, I finally went to see my very first movie, MySpy. It won't win any awards, I think, but I am happy that it is not as bad as some people made it out to be. At least, it's not that bad to me. I'm biased, though, cause I wrote it.

I guess it's like having a kid. No matter what, you'll still like your own kid.

I wasn't really worried about people's perception of the movie, only my own. I was afraid that I would hate it. I didn't. So that was good.

Seeing my name in big letters also gave me a hard on.

Writing the movie was a humbling experience. I didn't know how things worked in pre-production for a full feature film, where I spent most of my time.

I mean, I did TV and animation before, and I thought movies were just very long TV shows. It is, and it's not. Just like how writing poems and writing articles and writing books are totally different. How writing for a newspaper is different from writing online. The idea is the same, but a lot of things are quite different.

Truth be told, I agreed to write or do anything, mostly to see how things work. I accepted jobs writing books, to see how that comes about. I wrote TV stuff to see how that works. Ditto for movies, and going back years ago, how to do articles.

I started taking pictures, to learn how to do them. Stock up on the theories, and go out there and do shit. I have loads of theories. Testing them out may or may not be pleasant, but there is really only one way to find out.

I guess, I am blessed, and I say that with gratitude, not with hubris. Not with arrogance.

Way back when, I wanted to do cartoons. Animation. I wanted to do emo-fu.

So I went to an animation company, amongst 52 other companies I applied to. They gave me a job to do this and that. I wrote my first animation script - in fact, held in my hands the first script of any sort I have ever encountered - when I was 22.

I was part of a team that went to a TV station and told them we wanted to do something cool. They told the team they wanted something more IT-based. Because the minister at the time was into IT.

And so we did, and I was paid money for my first written words. Previously, I was paid doing food reviews with food and only food. Food was my only payment, the food that I ate for the review. It was quite pathetic, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.

After the 52 applications were sent, I went to six interviews. The first one was with NSTP. I did not know what doors that would open.

The other five were with various companies. I got the cold shoulder from magazine people. I did not think I would ever be working with magazines ever again, until I helped make the prototypes for four magazines three years ago.

There were also really weird writing jobs. Insurance companies were looking for someone to re-write forms, because a lot of people who fill in insurance forms can't spell, or can't read. Goes to show well... something, when I did not get that comfy job.

I also began to see that everything in this city needs to be written. Menus, buntings, scripts, books, magazines, journals, TV, movies, whatever. If something was written, somebody must have done it.

The only thing I wanted to do, was write, and get paid for writing. I did not really have any aspirations to be this or that or whatever. Oh, wait. That's a lie. I wanted to write comic books.

I remember the look on my family's faces when I told them, fresh off my finals at UM, that I wanted to be a writer.

"What do you want to write?!" came the hysterical question.

"Comic books," I said.

Now, imagine the hysteria reaching a crescendo. A high F.

I admire Neil Gaiman. At 22, he failed to get his books published, so he became a journalist for eight years.

"Being a journalist taught me how the world works," said Gaiman. "Best training I ever got."

Hanging on to his every word, I decided to be a journalist. I wanted to see what he saw.

I gambled everything. My degree was in Computer Science. I know how to write programmes. Sorry, I KNEW how to write programmes. The new languages the young kids use in programming is now some Mesopotamian gibberish to me. I do have a Rosetta stone, but it will take a while to catch up.

I mean, nested classes, CSS? What the fuck? Back in my day, cascading style sheets were a dead-end user click and download on Dreamweaver. On Dreamweaver! Do they still make those?

Gaiman's first comic, I think, was the Stonkingly Comic Comic Relief Comic - and that was the short version of the name.

I guess my path has driven me somewhere else, other than Gaiman's. But the lessons are there, if I choose to see it.

Oh well. I am happy. We shall see what happens next. Not with dread, fear or unrealistic optimism. We shall see.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Reviu MySpy Yang Terlampau Best

Best pasal dia puji cam gila.

Ambik ko!

Now what, motherfucker?

Masuk Bakul Angkat Sendiri: MySpy

Aku baru je balik menonton filem pertama aku di alam semesta - MySpy. AKu tak sempat nak tengok minggu lepas pasal dua benda:

1. Aku sibuk macam orang gila. Tahap Ketua Saintis Dunia punya sibuk. Sampai aku nak ambik cuti pasal nak tidur, tapi tak jadi.

2. Aku dengar macam-macam benda buruk pasal filem tu. Aku bimbang jugak, kalau nanti lepas tengok, aku balik rumah pastu pergi ke satu sudut, pastu nangis.

Hasilnya? Aku rasa ok je. Takdelah filem teragung yang akan menang Academy Award, tapi sebagai filem pertama yang aku cuba tulis, (berdasarkan format skrip komik dan skrip TV, sebenarnya, pasal masa tu aku takde Final Draft lagi) aku puas hati dengan kerja aku, dan amat menghargai kerja orang lain yang menjayakan filem MySpy ini.

Filem ni aku tulis dalam dua tahun lepas.

Cerita aku dapat kerja tu, mudah je.

Norman KRU call aku, tanya, "Ko nak buat filem tak?"

Aku pun jawab, "Aku ok je."

Aku ikut cakap tok guru aku, Zainal Alam Kadir.

"Kau dapat apa-apa, kau buat je. Kalau kau cakap kau pandai sangat, kau mesti boleh fikirkan cara nak buat benda tu," kata Alam.

Semua benda adalah logik. Common sense. Dan kebanyakan benda, adalah ciptaan manusia. Maka, sebagai manusia, kita boleh buat pun apa-apa yang manusia lain buat. Rasanya mungkin lain, tapi mesti boleh punyalah.

Aku pun pergilah, terhegeh-hegeh ke pejabat diorang, aku dengar apa client nak. Aku pernah buat skrip animation sebelum tu, skrip TV adalah sikit, dan aku pernah buat advertising dan benda yang aku paling selesa buat - journalism. Jadi, sebelum apa-apa, ko kena dengar dulu.

Bagi aku, KRU adalah client. Diorang nak filem macam ni, macam ni, atas spesifikasi ini dan itu. Okay. Jadi, aku buat le.

Yang bagus, kerja dengan KRU ni adalah, kalau kau deal dengan salah satu adik-beradiknya, dia memang dah tahu dengan jelas apa dia nak. Jadi, senang kerja kau.

MySpy adalah filem genre buddy cop. Odd couple. Cerita lawak. Jadi, aku fikirkan, jenis yang sesuai aku ikut adalah filem-filem Hong Kong tahun 80an, macam Aces Go Places, Tricky Master dan beberapa filem lain yang lawaknya memang hanjing. Macam Benny Hill punya komedi, yang menjadi asas filem Austin Powers. Dan juga Mat Sentul.

Berdasarkan itu, aku tulis skrip MySpy. Aku cuma tulis masa hujung minggu je, pasal aku ada kerja masa tu. Kadang-kadang, aku tulis lepas balik kerja.

Dua tiga kali ding-dong, ding-dong, skrip pun lulus.

Pastu, aku dengar, KRU dapat Afdlin Shauki nak arahkan filem ni. Wah, pengarah tersohor! AKu pun excited gila.

AKu ada jumpa dia tiga kali kat tempat berbeza la pulak, pastu tanya pasal sama ada skrip okay ke idak.

Pastu aku hantar revised edition, dan tup-tup, dah shoot.

Lepas habis shoot, editing dibuat di KRU.

Pastu aku berenti Astro, enam bulan aku bertapa, kemudian masuk The Malay Mail balik.

Ni kira fast forward la ni.

Tiba-tiba, aku dengar dah ada Press conference dah. Aku pergi press conference pasal nak support.

Preview dia, aku tak dapat nak pergi, pasal aku sibuk macam Ketua Saintis Dunia.

Sambil tu, aku ada tulis skrip untuk enam buah filem, dengan filem ketujuh masih di tahap synopsis.

Aku baru tengok hasilnya tadi, lepas dah seminggu kat panggung. Aku takkan cakap kat korang macamana nak terima filem ni, tapi secara peribadi, aku rasa okay je.

Aku okay dengan olahan dan garapan Afdlin dan KRU. Aku juga menghargai sumbangan dan jasa baik pelakon-pelakon dan krew yang membuat MySpy - filem pertama aku, satu kenyataan.

Aku rasa best sangat pasal Adlin Aman Ramlie jadi Supt Nan. Dialog aku nampak hidup, pastu dia ada ad-lib sendiri yang jauh lagi best daripada apa yang aku karang kat situ.

Mamat Khalid pun best gak. Dia punya ad-lib memang buat aku iktiraf dia sebagai orang yang faham pasal keperluan babak. Ridhuan Hashim dengan Mamat Khalid memang bergaya persembahannya. Kalau ada rezeki, nak jugak aku bekerja dengan diorang ni pada masa depan.

Aku puas hati dengan Daphne Iking, Carmen Soo, Maria Farida dan Hannah Tan.

Dua orang pelakon utama - AC Mizal dengan Harun Salim Bachik - memang menepati apa yang aku harapkan. Watak AJ tu memang aku tulis untuk AC.

Puji banyak sangat kang, masuk bakul angkat sendiri. Dah angkat dah pun.

Secara jujurnya, aku lega. Aku ingatkan, filem ni teruk sangat sampai aku kena bunuh diri. Lepas aku tengok, aku okay je.

Aku cukup berterima kasih pada KRU kerana memberikan aku kepercayaan untuk menulis skrip filem ni dan beberapa filem lain.

Juga untuk Afdlin yang sanggup mengarah MySpy.

Last but not least, krew dan barisan pelakon MySpy. Kalau korang takde, memang takde filem lah.

Terima kasih banyak-banyak kat semua yang terlibat. Jasa korang semua aku kenang.

Aku sebenar-benarnya lega. Dan sekarang hampir ada tenaga balik nak buat filem lain la pulak. Aku masih berehat untuk bulan Disember 2009. Aku ada banyak kerja nak buat. Tambah-tambah, bapak aku pun sakit. Kena pergi jumpa dia. Tahun depan, aku akan menulis filem dan TV balik.

Tahun depan jugak, dua filem aku akan ke pawagam. Daripada tujuh filem yang aku buat, aku rasa tiga sahaja akan masuk panggung. MySpy salah satu daripadanya. Dua lagi, tahun 2010.

Selamat membuat dan menonton filem!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Con-Money-ist Moneyfesto!

When I approached the people in my village to start some sort of charity model for the setting up of a bona fide industry they can rely on, some asked whether or not I was going into politics.

I assured them I was not.

"What did politicians ever do here?" I asked them. And they nodded and winked, conspiratorily.

All politicians are ever good for, back in Kuantan, are for some free food now and then, as well as one-off projects. The big projects, the one that has the potential to last for a long time, are set up bt various Government agencies, not through politicians.

The politician's role is to get the fuck out of the way, and treat people to some free food. And when PUS people come, they're always good for some fire and brimstone hell bullshit speech.

Why did the BN candidate lose Kuantan in the last elections? Because for decades, they have never been that useful. Some free food? Sure. When the floods came, where were they? When the water supply was cut, during Hari Raya, where the fuck were they?

Tell me again how politicians built this country. I'd rather say that the Indonesians and the Bangladeshis built this country.

Sure, they got parliamentary duties. Which most don't go for anyway. And if they're not fighting each other, they're sleeping.

Fighting, eating, sleeping. What is this? Animal Planet? National Geographic?

What was the manifesto? Tell me again, what was their manifesto? Cow heads are us? Bullshit matters? Beer is not alcohol? Pretty women should not work, but just become legal prostitutes? Let's sue the beejeezus out of people?

Nurul Izzah took over Bangsar. What did she do? I'm living in Bangsar right now. Been in Lembah Pantai since 1998. I see hillside developments. I see Old Town White Coffee. I see Pappa Rich. And... ? That's it? This is what you fought for?

Let me break it the fuck down. You want votes? Legalise marijuana. Legalise prostitution. Legalise gay marriages. Legalise freedom of religion. And by freedom of religion, I mean that everyone can change their ICs to whatever the fuck religion they want. Yes, even Jedi.

Look, man. Legalising marijuana will ensure new jobs for people, take away power from gangsters and make Malaysia a damn great tourist destination. Americans like to take a year off before going to college. They should come here and spend their dollars on pot.

I don't take pot. I hate pot. I take benadryl and painkillers. I can get vicodin and oxycodone real easy in this country. Hell, I can even take Xanax. And it's all legal. I can even buy myself whisky from a grocery store. Why can't people buy weed?

I mean, cigarettes are dangerous, but I smoke three packs a day.

Pot is the key to this country's survival. Fuck palm oil. Fuck rubber, cocoa, tobacco, whatever. Our farmers should be growing pot and supply it to the world. White teens should be smoking pot openly in Bangsar and heritage row.

Imagine the billions of dollars of tourism money we will get.

And if we legalise prostitution as well, man! Malaysia is capable of becoming the prostituion hub of this region. Sure, Thailand has better girls, but Malaysia can offer variety.

As Anwar Ibrahim said it, "Malays! Chinese! Indians! Ibans! Kadazans!"


Might I also add, "Kelabit! Kayan! Bidayuh! Jawa! Batak! Bugis! Aceh! Penan! Senoi! Temuan! Bajau! Bajau Laut! Bugis Bentuk Perang! Kelantanese! Nyonya! Dan lain-lain!"

I mean, honestly, the girls are already humping the white Gods for free, in most clubs and pubs. Why not charge them for it? And then tax the workers. Create a sex workers' union, take care of their welfare or whatever and tax them like shit.

Gays should be allowed to get married. Why? Because marriage sucks and gay people should not escape this pain. They should have the right to be as miserable as we all are.

Which brings us to freedom of religion. With freedom of religion in this country, comes war. Most people who would die from the demonstrating and rioting would be the idiots, and we want idiots dead. Some smart people will die. I will die, if it's about freedom of religion, cause I'll be taking pictures in the middle of a bloodbath, and cause I'm not RPK.

Freedom of religion will ensure around five million Malaysians dead, at least. So we will have cleaner air, and more space. In fact, I believe that riots should be held - damn, organised! - by the Government every four years, so that we can weed off the weak and the sick.

I mean, our Holy Politicians are already acting like they're on Animal Planet. Why don't we do the same? After all, we can't be better than them. Cause be they BN or PR, we voted them in. All of them.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Liberals can Suck Monkey Pussy

Believing in freedom of speech is like fucking a monkey. It is a very strong lifestyle choice.

Dave Chappelle joked about it.

"You can't fuck a monkey, and then decide to go out with Charlene on Thursday. That is a very distinct lifestyle choice. Something you can never turn your back on. You have removed youself from the pool of human pussy and is now exclusive to only monkey pussy," he said, more or less.

The problem with liberals who claim to be all for freedom of speech and expression is that most are only okay with freedom of speech that they agree with. If it's against them, they go and file lawsuits and scream bloody outrage. They start writing angry, strongly-worded letters. They jump up and down for their monkey pussy.

Neil Gaiman, my favourite Jew, said, "The tricky thing with freedom of speech is that you also need to defend the freedom of speech you don't agree with."

And that includes porn!

Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?: Ambition

When I was very small, I had the ambition to be either a scientist, a private investigator or an army dude.

Later, in my teens, I wanted to be Super Soros Level 4 - the ultimate currency speculator.

What I learned from all this bullshit is that being ambitious is only cute when you're below 18 years old. Over that age, ambition can kill you. Water that floats a ship can also sink it, said Wong Fei Hong's father - Wong Kei Ying - in Drunken Master 2.

On a basic level, ambition is basically creating a scene in the future. A vision of success, victory, justified celebration, etc.

The problem with this is that it diminishes your connection to the present. If you constantly live in the future, there is no time for the present.

Also, you begin to see the present as a means to an end. In that, there is resentment and resistance to the present. This creates unhappiness, and what kind of future can you create, with pain and suffering?

Over the years, I have seen many friends - good people - get consumed by the fires of ambition, by the fires of desire. For ambition is nothing but desire, and all pain and suffering comes from desire. What power would hell have, if the denizens cannot dream of heaven?

All suffering ever is, is non-alignment with the present. With ties either to the past or the future. Basically, pain is a case of time warped mental situations.

So go forth and have your ambitions, but be careful. Water that floats a ship can also sink it.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

SMS Alarm Clock

Somebody just SMSed me at 2.30am. It was about some problems.

Friend: You awake?

Me: What's up?

Friend: I'm worried about this and that. And blablabla.

Me: Okay.

F: What should I do?

Me: What can you do, at 2.30am?

When you're facing difficulties, it's easy to get lost in the past or the future. It is easy to disregard the present.

Something bad that happened in the past, or something good you hope to happen in the future takes centrestage. Disrespecting the present will only get you into despair.

Unfortunately, a lot of people are addicted to despair, to pain. Those people exist in a very horrid and terrible world.

Kids, we don't want any part of that world. Duck and cover! Duck and cover!

And sleep.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Penting Ke?

Aku percaya yang hanya ada beberapa perkara yang penting dalam dunia ni. Makanan. Pakaian. Tempat tinggal.

Benda lain macam Blackberry, pantat, puki, jubur, biji kelentit, mulut jubur, pendapat orang lain, pangkat, status, Toyota Camry, semuanya tak perlu untuk terus hidup.

Semasa usia semakin meningkat, aku dapat rasakan yang makin banyak benda menjadi tidak penting. Drama orang lain, contohnya. Kesalahan orang lain. Politik orang lain.

Benda-benda yang aku tengok sejak dulu dengan rasa penuh minat dan taksub, sekarang dah jadi macam siaran ulangan yang membosankan.

Masa aku lebih bagus digunakan untuk mencari makanan, pakaian dan tempat tinggal. Aku juga mencari kebahagiaan dan mendapati makanan, pakaian dan tempat tinggal juga tidak menjamin kebahagiaan.

Aku juga tidak dapat mencari kebahagiaan dalam menjahanamkan orang lain. Atau menjadi betul sambil orang lain salah. Tepukan gemuruh atau laungan 'boooo' hanya seketika. Tidak kekal.

Patung berlian pun akan dimamah usia. Inikan pula kata-kata. Inikan pula buah fikiran semata.

Lama-lama, aku dapati, semua benda tak penting. Kau fikir aku betul ke, kau fikir aku salah ke. Disayangi atau dibenci. Semuanya sampah.

Roh atau semangat juga yang kekal. Sebab kalau kau asingkan ego, hanya wujud ruang. Ruang itu sebesar alam semesta. Siapa yang boleh membunuh ruang? Siapa yang boleh melawan ruang?

Hmph. AKu perlu tidur. Esok tetap kekal.

Deus Ex Machina: The Internet Gods

Ever since I surfed the Internet wayyy back in the last century, I have encountered several inexplicable problems. Bugs, you might call them. Some, may be human-generated. Others, are just unexplained mysteries.

Have you ever sent an e-mail and it gets lost somewhere in cyberspace, eaten up by whatever the fuck?

I was waiting for an email today, for six hours. All the time hounding the person to keep resending it to me. It came through a different account.

I have done bloggish posts on websites where for some reason, formatting tabs keep appearing.

I have seen my posts take on their former appearance, the changes I made lost forever in my head.

Tonight, my smartphone, my dear Blackberry, just failed on me. Previously, two others suffered catastrophic failure due to being exposed to water and being stolen.

I believe in the existence of some sort of Internet deity who go around, fucking things up.

I believe that gremlins do exist. Some of them, human. Others, may be not so.

Oh well. Can't nobody hold me down.

UPDATED: Maxis Down? Medic! Medic!

UPDATED 2.04am

SUCCESS! Suddenly, I received an SMS. My phone can receive and send SMSes. And then, I tried calling some people who I know are still awake. The phone rang!


My phone works again! I don't know what the fuck happened. Could be someone was playing Freecell and accidentally pushed a big red button, or that their tower was manned by PUS people. I don't know what the fuck.

Around 40 minutes disconnected from the mobile network, and I was ready to plug my modem up my ass to get a fix.

Strange thing, though, when I was in Thailand, I always turn off my phone, to no side effects.

Oh well. The Gods must be crazy.

UPDATED 1.49am
Tried removing the battery, removing the SIM card, to no avail. Am now updating the software, to see if that's the problem.

UPDATED 1.32am

Called 123. Still can't call, even 123 (Hotline Malaysia). Am asking another person to call from a land line.

UPDATED 1.24am

I came back and need to do some work from home, when I discovered that I can't make any calls or send SMSes from my phone. Internet is okay, though. Both the Maxis Unlimited data plan and Maxis mobile.

Using my Blackberry powers, I turned off my phone. Rebooted it, and same thing.

I just paid a week ago, motherfucker. People can't call or sms me. I can't call or sms people. I can access Facebook, though.

Man, I think I have to go back to the office now. If I fuck up, I get my line cut off. If Maxis fucks up, can they get cut off? Can I get at least a discount?

Again, accessing into my Blackberry powers, I messaged someone. Will update this fast-breaking news story.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Last Words of the Prophet

Ummati... Ummati... Ummati...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Intermission: Don't Stop Believin'

I have only had a total of seven hours sleep in three days. As soon as I finish this, I am going to shut down myself for 10 hours.

My three nephews were here on Saturday, and the eldest got into the top 5 at his school for the first time. That, at least, warranted some form of celebration. My family is a family of teachers. School is very important.

So off we went to Aquaria KLCC. Three adults, three kids.

Aquaria was cool. I'll go there again, alone, just to enjoy it.

I spent around eight hours with those kids, to the point they fell asleep during dinner.

Now, it's my turn.

See you later.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Tales from the Hovering Between Here and There Side: Long Enough for You?

Seeing a need to switch into Bugis Bentuk Perang, I summoned the Ancient Spirits of Evil.

Me: Ancient Spirits of Eeeeevil!

Me: Transform -


Me: Goddamn it, man!

I opened the door and there was a dude holding two rectangular boxes in front of him.

Me: Yes?

Guy: You ordered this?

Me: Ah, yes. Okay. How much?

I paid. Went back in. Ate the thing. Drank something. And then back again to my cauldron.

Me: Ancient Spirits of EEEEVVVILLLLL!!!

Me: Aduh! Nak berak la pulak! Susah betul nak jadi orang jahat ni.

So I took a dump. Feeling better, now I want to sleep.

Ancient Spirits of Evil: Ey! What about us?

Me: Fuck off.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tales from the Hangover Side: Whine Aftermath

So I woke up today to multiple phone calls. Around 9am. After which, I immediately forced myself to sleep.

I need to be fresh, because there is one event today at 7pm. And then I need to do something at 2am. And tomorrow, there are six things happening.

Last night, after not sleeping the previous day, I had a momentary boost of confidence - slightly more than the normal unreasonable hubris I suffer from - which can only be explained by fatigue.

That got me drinking. Or perhaps, the drinking got me the confidence boost. Either way, I was fine and dandy, and no less randier than the next chap.

All this requires energy, though, so today I went and had lunch with one very senior journalist who is no longer one. I do this one every six months or so, as a milestone or placeholder or something.

Ah well. Have to get ready now. Business cards, RELOAD! Sunny disposition, ON! Buddhist views on how everything is connected and no one is either good or evil - CHECK! Painkillers, COMBO!

Head them up, ride them out. Power strike, and ready to ride.

Tales from the Drunk Side: Oh, the Huge Manatee

I am rather lugubrious at the monet. I mean, moment. I just spent seven hours drinking.

Around 10 glasses of crimson liquid and four black drinks, as well as assorted amber glasses.

I disocvered more proof tonight that people - formerly my great bane - just wanted to be treated as humans. No matter if they are lowly scribes like me, or high top of the mountain whatever the fuck.

I did not judge. I did not preach. I was honest and relaxed. I got nothing to prove, and I discovered that I could slug it with the best of them.

The reason is simple. I was human. I was not a threat. I was not a competitor. I was not a schemer nor a backstabber. I was just me, baby.

Even though I was tired as hell.

They don't understand, do they, Amir? Very few do.

I give you the secrets of the universe.


Enjoy yourself. You do have a choice, you know.

A rock may be hard as hell, but water, while soft and cool and refreshing, can be violent and forceful at times. Be water, my friends, be water.

Oh well.

What do I know? I'm just a kid who was born near the swamps. I'm just Remy LeBeau, motherfucker. I'm just Remy LeBeau.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Apa Ada Pada Nama

Komik terjemahan Hong Kong mengandungi banyak penggunaan nama yang kreatif. Contohnya, Sirius Tamak.

Sirius dalam konteks ini merujuk kepada formasi bintang, dan bukannya 'serious'. Sirius memang perkataan Bahasa Malaysia yang sah.

Juga, Lanun Cemeh dalam Parang Gila.

Bagaimana dengan Guna-guna Bisa Telu, sejenis racun 'guna-guna' yang diminum Marsyal Mo dalam Alam Perwira.

Balik kuang ialah summersault. Angin puyuh ialah puting beliung, dan bukannya kentut burung puyuh.

Kalau aku ada nama dalam komik Hong Kong, nama aku mungkin sama ada:

1. Tuk Ketawa Tiga Kali (Pedang Setiawan)

- semua masalah boleh diselesaikan dengan ketawa tiga kali. Ha. Ha. Ha.

2. Menteri Kecapi (Alam Perwira)

- menteri di Kementerian Kecapi

3. Pembajak Gadai (original)

- berdasarkan Penjejak Badai (Pedang Setiawan)

4. Leftenan Jurukhat (Alam Perwira)

- penulis khat paling hebat di alam semesta

5. Ketua Kumpulan Pengemis (banyak siri komik)

- dengan 18 Tamparan Penunduk (sebenarnya, Pembunuh) Naga dan Tongkat Pemukul Anjing

Intermission: Sleepers Creepers

After a long and arduous day at work, I found myself at Alexis Bangsar with two old and very dear friends.

I find it nice to have friends. I can do things without explaining myself. Not because friends know each other. I do not believe it is possible for you to know anyone - not completely - no matter how long you've known them.

No, it is because you trust each other not to do anything with malice. At least, not to each other.

If you treat everyone as a potential friend or accomplice, you'll get much more work done rather than thinking everyone is out to get you.

True, there are some characters I avoid like the plague. They are not worth my time or my energy, which is better spent on other things like masturbating or taking a dump or even picking my nose.

Even with those, I am wary, but have decided not to let any of them dominate my thoughts, emotions or even my ego. For they, too, are victims of their own egos.

I would much rather spend an entire evening talking with people who bear me no malice. No spite. Anger or envy. For verily, I say unto you that there is nothing much to be spiteful about, in this world.

Doesn't mean you have to be a pushover. Just say no. I say, FUCK YOU. Without any real emotion. Just some theatrics to grab some attention and make sure the message comes accross clearly.

Look people in the eye, empty your mind and heart. And then say, FUCK OFF. Works in almost every situation.

It's raining outside, and I got a few hours left, before another round of whatever.

So, I'm holding your head in my hands right now. I'm staring right into your eyes.


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Kampung Saya: The Blogger Who Doesn't Care

A few months ago, I got an idea to save the world. That idea involved getting myself RM2 million.

With RM2 million, I would have saved the world. Alas, that was not to be. Alas, poor Yorick. Blablabla.

So anyway, ONE of the things I wanted to do was to start businesses and industries so that the people in my village - most of them earning below RM1000, with quite a few earning less than RM400 a month - to augment their income.


My village, Kampung Bukit Kuin Satu, Kuantan, Pahang, has around 70 families. It was 63 back then, I think.

The people are what you would call unskilled labourers. They have very little - if any - education. Most used to tap rubber.

Here's how that works: on sunny days, they can go and tap rubber, still using the herring-bone technique. When it rains, they just stay at home and hope for I don't know what.

Some, fish for a living. This is seasonal, and sometimes, there are no fish. Gone are the days when you can place one end of the net at one side of the riverbank, and before you can set up at the other end, the net is already teeming with fish. That was in the 70s, when people ATE arowana for food.

Some fishermen have resorted to catching frogs and selling them to Chinese restaurants. They catch them , clean them, and sell them to restaurants.

There is a saw mill near my village. Used to employ people, but not so much nowadays.

The later generations - mine - may have better jobs. Some of them at least completed high school and work in offices.

Most, though, are still below poverty levels. The Badan Kebajikan Masyarakat can only do so much (they usually send biscuits and rice, sometimes), and churches that try to help do get the evil eye in the primarily Muslim community.

The Problem

Big families, small income.

My neighbour has six kids. He makes RM400 a month. Plus his wife, that's RM50 per person, per month.

What do they eat? Well, lots and lots of sambal. Lots and lots of kuah. WIth rice. Some jungle veggies. Free-range chicken, yo! Hardly enough to nurture the young minds of his kids.

One dude I know has 14 kids. 14! Fuck education, man, what is he going to feed them? Sorry, what DID he feed them?

Low education.

I hate when people use education as a be-all and end-all for everything. These people don't have access to nutrition, you think they're gonna care about books? Fuck you.

A lot still don't even have indoor toilets. They use outhouses. Fuck the Bernoulli Principle, these people need the basics, man!

Pointing fingers

There are many things that can be blamed. Political parties PUS and BN for using these folks as their whatever.

Religion for insinuating that birth-control is a sin. Yep, it's not just a Catholic thing.

Society, culture bla blabla. In a world where the true measure for a person's success is whether he or she gets married and have children. Fuck you.

Spite, envy, wrath, hate, the ego, Samy Vellu, whatever.

That's not the point. Am not doing this so that we can all judge them and their lifestyle choices. Not doing it so we can point and laugh.

Not trying to shame you, either.

Point all the fingers, dick and clit you want. I don't give a shit.

The point is, they need help. Yeah, yeah, everyone needs help. I need help, paying off my debts. Yadda yadda yadda. Boo fucking hoo. But we, at the very least, can afford to drink RM10 coffees. For these people, RM10 is a week's groceries.


The people in my village are fucking strong. Living a hard life all these years have gifted them with high upper-body strength. They're also quite fast, faster than a speeding cow. Able to leap tall molehills in a single bound. They are also very comfortable in the jungle and the swamp.

Fuck all that shit. Their greatest asset is their land, and it is being poorly utilised. We'll get back to that in a bit.

These people are also good with skills. Teach them shit, and they learn shit.

The Plan

I am not ambitious. I foresee a few projects that can really help some of them.

1. The Papaya Project

One of the most delicious and easiest fruit to plant is papaya. Papayas grow on trees, for you city slickers.

There are male papaya trees and female papaya trees. Papaya trees grow best near drainage areas, as they require a lot of water and compost.

Since almost all families there have land, we need to get them to plant papaya trees.

I have spoken to the headman who succeeded my father. An ex-cop, he is ready and willing to start a papaya project, but this kind of thing is a chicken or egg problem.

To speak plainly, the villagers are quite dumb and are shortsighted. They will not plant anything unless there is a ready market to purchase their produce. In other words, unless someone has done it with a lorry coming in every few months and buying all the papaya for a tidy profit, these people would not move.

Malaysians are very cynical people. Even though some vote for political parties that promise them heaven and thousands of virgins.

So, we need buyers. Buyers, or a ready market for their produce, say, papayas, will not materialise until they see the things.

I count at least six hotels in Kuantan alone where these papayas (or any other produce) can be supplied to. That, plus countless restaurants and concession stands.

Also, a reliable distribution system.

Here's what we need:

1. Enough funds as seed money for the villagers. This will cover the planting of say, papayas, some amount for taking care of the things, and enough to purchase ALL the produce after it has ripened, before being re-sold to many outlets.

2. A reliable distribution system. Meaning, a lorry and a dedicated driver. Lorries can be rented, and the drivers can be hired seasonally. Throw in a bookeeper and we're all set.

3. This is the most important part. Negotiations must be held with potentiasl markets wayyyy before this project starts. The hotels and restaurants must agree to offloading all produce as soon as it is ready.

That's ONE project. We'll start small. I also have ideas for a cooperative sewing factory, a breakfast supply project, training for certain vehicles and many more. All wonderful ideas, if I may say so myself, but are harder to execute.

More examples: a charity grocery store cum food bank. The fish project.

If there is a promise to simply purchase the produce as soon as they are ready, then we're set.

Accompanying programs may include homestays. My village now offers homestays. For the uninitiated, basically, you just go there and experience the true kampung life. Most city slickers find this amusing. I was like, what? Nevermind. Homestays will give you an idea of the place and anyone interested can email me.

What the project needs

I have tons of ideas, but no time to execute or organise them. I need volunteers - preferrably rich people with nothing to do - to coordinate the projects. I have all the contacts. You just need to push some buttons on your phone and make those calls.

One day, we all go down to Kuantan, and you can see for yourself what your efforts have done.

Money, while necessary and vital to the projects, I'm not that worried about. There are various ways to raise money for these projects, but no one to do them.

I once raised RM20,000 for a project somewhere in Klang. We set up a computer room for some kids and a small library. It is not impossible. I've done it, when I was younger and had nothing better to do. I'm sure you could do more.

Caveat emptor

Let the buyer beware. If you do this, do not expect any form of thanks whatsoever. In fact, my biggest worry is that these projects would be sabotaged by the very people we would be trying to help. They are not poor - some of them - for no reason.

This project also do not focus on one person, but rather a community in need of help. Hence, there would be a lot of riff-raffs and motherfuckers along the way.

The timeline is long and huge. This thing may go on for many years, just to get it started. Some of you may drop from it along the way. I don't care. As long as it happens.

I am focusing only on my village because this is what I see. The people at my village are NOT the most pathetic in Malaysia. SOme are doing quite well. Others are not so fortunate. Helping the community will perhaps ease some of their pain, and they won't be complaining so much. I hate pain-worshippers, and the best way to kill them is to take away their pain.

If you see something in your village or hometown, start up your own project. I waited this long for two things:

1. Gathering of information. I needed information to start. Can't do anything unless you know the terrain.

2. I was waiting for better means to handle volunteers and accounts. Things are changing, and we can do more now than ever before. In a few months, this project and others like it will find a place somewhere. No longer will we be disorganised buffoons, but a credible, well-oiled machine.


So, the project needs volunteers. Not prima donnas, volunteers. Some individuals as a start, and then if we can rope in a foundation or two, maybe some corporate entities to dish out the moolah.

There are many other facets of the project which I will not share here. Those are for later.

For now, send your e-mail to amirhafizi@gmail.com. I will respond when we have something more solid to work on.

Don't worry. I'm both very busy and laid-back, so this project will take its own sweet time.

Let poverty burn under the fires of industry!

- Saruman

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Terbaik di Bawah Syurga

Aku ada hidung yang bengkok. Hidung ini menyebabkan aku berfikir yang manusia bernafas ikut mulut selama 24 tahun(kerana ianya tersumbat sebanyak 80%).

Selama 24 tahun juga, aku makan engan banyak kerana aku sukar merasa makanan tersebut.

Setelah aku merawat hidung aku melalui pembedahan dan mendapat hidung bionik, aku tercari-cari jenis masakan terhebat. Kerana deria rasa aku amat tajam dan dengan hidung yang kuat, aku mampu menjadi perasa makanan terulung.

AKu diberitahu, jenis masakan yang terhebat adalah Masakan Cina. Malangnya, kebanyakan hidangan dalam Masakan Cina berunsurkan babi, dan aku tak suka makan babi.

Tapi, aku pergi jua mencuba pelbagai jenis Masakan Cina, apabila berpeluang.

Aku pergi ke Restoran Naga dan Cenderawasih, dan aku meminta Dim Sum yang tiada babi. Ini menyebabkan kakitangan memasak amat hairan dan tersinggung.

Pelayan: Mana boleh! Kami memang menghidangkan babi! Dim Sum kami, kebanyakannya babi! Kami juga ada masakan Babi Masak Dua Kali! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Aku: Ah! Pergi! Pergi! Pergi! Dan bawakan aku set dim sum tanpa babi!

Maka diorang pun bawaklah pada aku, Dim SUm tanpa babi.

Kebanyakannya, siu mai (steamed dumpling) udang. Siu Mai yang segar, tidak melekit. Malangnya, Dim Sum Restoran Naga dan Cenderawasih melekit-lekit macam orang gila melancap.

Kulit siu mainya juga agak tebal dan bosan. Intinya? Sudah empat jam di luar! Mereka menghidangkan aku Dim Sum Masak Pagi Tadi!

Kemudian, ada pau mini dengan inti ayam. Pau Cina berinti daging, biasanya berminyak kerana mahukan intinya kekal di dalam. Malangnya, pau di restoran itu terlalu berminyak, sampai meleleh ke tangan aku.

Selepas itu, mereka menghidangkan kaki ayam.

Aku tak makan kaki ayam, pasal aku pernah bela ayam dan aku tau kaki ayam tu pijak apa.

Aku: Apa ini semua?!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Untuk menenangkan kemarahan aku yang bersedia melancarkan serangan Ideo-Motor, mereka menghidangkan Ayam General Tso. Maaf, aku rasa ini restoran lain. Restoran Empat Musim.

Ayam General Tso Restoran Empat Musim dimasak dengan cili dan madu, dimakan bersama roti mantou yang dibuat berbentuk lambang Shell. Setiap roti boleh disiat dan diletakkan ayam di dalamnya.

Ayam General Tso ini memang hebat!

Aku: Cayalah!

Kemudian, aku pernah pergi ke Holiday Villa untuk makan Dim Sum. Kali ini, mereka menghidangkan yang terbaik dan tanpa babi.

Dim SUm berbentuk karipap yang lembut dan panas, memang menyelerakan. Dim SUm goreng pula memang kesukaan aku, rangup seperti wantan goreng.

Namun, keistimewaan restoran Cina di Holiday Villa adalah kuih bulan dengan kulit salji! Snow-skin mooncake!

Ada perisa pandan, kacang merah dan durian. Kemanisan initinya diimbangi dengan tekstur lembut dan tawar kulit kuih bulan. Sememangnya antara kuih bulan terbaik pernah aku rasa.

Aku belajar memasak Ayam Maharaja. Dengan menambah sejam kepada masa masakan, dan menambah kicap cair, aku berjaya memasak ayam kukus yang dagingnya boleh diceraikan daripada tulang dengan mudah.

Namun, masakan Cina yang paling aku suka, agak mengejutkan. Kari ayam! Kari ayam Cina, kari Jepun (kareee), kari Siam, kari India dan kari Melayu semuanya lain rasanya. Malah, kari Kelantan lain daripada kari Johor. Kari Melaka iras-iras kari Pahang.

Kari Siam ada kari merah, kari hijau, kari putih. kari putih adalah yang terbaik.

Kari Cina Malaysia memang aku suka, pasal rasanya yang unik. Tak lemak sangat, tak berempah sangat. Kari ayamnya rasa macam kari ikan.

Kari yang aku pandai buat, versinya ditambah daun kari, cili boh, cili padi dan serai. Kalau aku rajin, akan ada sikit halia dan lengkuas dalamnya. SIkit saja. Bunga Lawang, jintan manis, tu semua kari kahwin yang aku cuma suka kadang-kadang.

Gulai kawah memang terhebat kalau kuahnya tidak pekat kari atau santannya, tetapi pekat air daging lembunya. Ya. Gulai kawah terhebat perlu menggunakan air rebus daging lembu untuk rasa yang enak dan terbaik.

Apabila memasukkan kentang ke dalam kari atau gulai, jaga-jaga. Kentang akan menyerap air, jadi imbangan air haruslah diperhatikan.

Aku fikir, kalau aku bernasib baik, aku mungkin akan ada 10 tahun lagi untuk menikmati semua jenis makanan, sebelum aku harus betul-betul memilih.

Dalam masa 10 tahun ini, aku akan mencari hidangan yang Terbaik di Bawah Syurga.

Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Ayam Syurga Meragut Lalang

AKu dah berjalan jauh untuk mencari hidangan ayam panggang yang terulung - Ayam Syurga Meragut Lalang.

Aku dah mencuba dan memasak banyak ayam panggang. Berikut antara beberapa calon ayam panggang yang terhebat (dan terburuk):

1. Ayam Yahya Nasi Ayam Hainam

Ya, Hainam, bukan Hainan, pasal diorang ni datang daripada Pantai Timur.

Ayam yang dimasak adalah daripada jenis 'crispy roast nuclear kings'. Ayam ini begitu rangup, hujung kepaknya boleh dimakan seperti keropok.

Ada dijual di Pantai Dalam.

2. Ayam Golek Pantai Dalam

AYam golek yang cukup popular. Lebih kurang seribu ekor akan terjual pada bulan puasa.

Sebenarnya, ayam ini tiada apa-apa kelebihan berbanding ayam panggang biasa. Sosnya juga terlalu manis, kerana tukang masaknya orang Kelantan.

Ditemui di Pantai Dalam.

3. Ayam Panggang Dua Suhu

Resipi ayam panggang yang mudah dan ringkas. Hanya lumurkan setengah ketul mentega, lada hitam kasar bersama garam pada luarannya, dan masukkan kentang, mentega, daun sup (cilantro...kot?) dan garam di dalamnya.

Mula-mula, panggang sehangat 250 darjah selama setengah jam, kemudian 120 darjah selama dua jam.

Hasilnya adalah ayam yang menggerunkan.

4. Ayam Maharaja

Aku buat dengan membeli perencah ayam maharaja di pasar mini. Jenis ayam kukus yang tiada tandingan (juga tiada cabaran).

5. Ayam Pengemis

Sama seperti ayam maharaja, cuma menggunakan campuran rempah yang lain.

6. Ayam Ufuk Barat

Ayam dengan pesto dilumurkan, juga ditambah salsa dan beberapa herba Asia. Ayam ini rasanya seperti ikan panggang!

Ayam panggang daripada Barat sering menggunakan rempah rosemary untuk rasa, dan basil serta asid buahan citrus untuk menghilangkan bau hanyir.

Masakan aliran Timur menggunakan kunyit, halia dan bawang putih.

7. Ayam Kering Dua Kali

Dengan menggunakan teknik memanggang itik, ayam ini dilumurkan dengan rempah, digayut hingga kering dan kemudian dipanggang. Selepas itu, ayam ini digayut lagi dan digoreng dalam minyak panas.

Isinya lembut, dan kulitnya rangup.

8. Ayam Tilam Asrama

Pada tahun 1996, beberapa rakan sekolah aku telah mencuri empat ekor ayam dari peti sejuk dewan makan.

Oleh kerana kekurangan dapur dan bahan bakar, maka ayam itu dipanggang atas api yang dinyalakan atas tilam asrama.

Hasilnya? Ayam paling celaka yang kau boleh makan. Hangus, hangit dan beracun.

9. Ayam Chicken Rice Shop

Bagus! Cuma senang muak selepas makan sedikit.

10. Ayam Ayamas

Hanya dua jenis ayam panggang Ayamas yang layak diperkatakan - Golden Roast (dipanggang dengan madu) dan black pepper.

Ayam Ayamas bukanlah bagus sangat, tetapi senang dicari kalau nak bawak ke potluck.

11. Ayam Tahap Kesempurnaan

Ayam panggang yang aku masih cari.

Ayam tahap Kesempurnaan mestilah mempunyai ciri-ciri:

a. kulit yang rangup dan terpisah daripada lemak.

b. Lemak yang sudak cair dan menjadi minyak yang memasak ayam.

c. Tulang yang rapuh, sampai hujung kepak boleh dimakan seperti keropok.

d. daging ayam haruslah lembut dan menyerap semua ramuan yang ada.

e. Tidak berbau hanyir.

Oleh itu, Ayam tahap Kesempurnaan haruslah mempunyai lima falsafah masakan:

- Kayu (rangup)

- Tanah (lembut)

- Api (isi yang menyerap rempah)

- Angin (bau yang harum)

- Emas (warna keemasan)

Apabila lima unsur bersatu, maka akan terciptalah, Ayam Tahap Kesempurnaan.

Ayam Tahap Kesempurnaan: MERIAM! KATAK!