When I approached the people in my village to start some sort of charity model for the setting up of a bona fide industry they can rely on, some asked whether or not I was going into politics.
I assured them I was not.
"What did politicians ever do here?" I asked them. And they nodded and winked, conspiratorily.
All politicians are ever good for, back in Kuantan, are for some free food now and then, as well as one-off projects. The big projects, the one that has the potential to last for a long time, are set up bt various Government agencies, not through politicians.
The politician's role is to get the fuck out of the way, and treat people to some free food. And when PUS people come, they're always good for some fire and brimstone hell bullshit speech.
Why did the BN candidate lose Kuantan in the last elections? Because for decades, they have never been that useful. Some free food? Sure. When the floods came, where were they? When the water supply was cut, during Hari Raya, where the fuck were they?
Tell me again how politicians built this country. I'd rather say that the Indonesians and the Bangladeshis built this country.
Sure, they got parliamentary duties. Which most don't go for anyway. And if they're not fighting each other, they're sleeping.
Fighting, eating, sleeping. What is this? Animal Planet? National Geographic?
What was the manifesto? Tell me again, what was their manifesto? Cow heads are us? Bullshit matters? Beer is not alcohol? Pretty women should not work, but just become legal prostitutes? Let's sue the beejeezus out of people?
Nurul Izzah took over Bangsar. What did she do? I'm living in Bangsar right now. Been in Lembah Pantai since 1998. I see hillside developments. I see Old Town White Coffee. I see Pappa Rich. And... ? That's it? This is what you fought for?
Let me break it the fuck down. You want votes? Legalise marijuana. Legalise prostitution. Legalise gay marriages. Legalise freedom of religion. And by freedom of religion, I mean that everyone can change their ICs to whatever the fuck religion they want. Yes, even Jedi.
Look, man. Legalising marijuana will ensure new jobs for people, take away power from gangsters and make Malaysia a damn great tourist destination. Americans like to take a year off before going to college. They should come here and spend their dollars on pot.
I don't take pot. I hate pot. I take benadryl and painkillers. I can get vicodin and oxycodone real easy in this country. Hell, I can even take Xanax. And it's all legal. I can even buy myself whisky from a grocery store. Why can't people buy weed?
I mean, cigarettes are dangerous, but I smoke three packs a day.
Pot is the key to this country's survival. Fuck palm oil. Fuck rubber, cocoa, tobacco, whatever. Our farmers should be growing pot and supply it to the world. White teens should be smoking pot openly in Bangsar and heritage row.
Imagine the billions of dollars of tourism money we will get.
And if we legalise prostitution as well, man! Malaysia is capable of becoming the prostituion hub of this region. Sure, Thailand has better girls, but Malaysia can offer variety.
As Anwar Ibrahim said it, "Malays! Chinese! Indians! Ibans! Kadazans!"
Might I also add, "Kelabit! Kayan! Bidayuh! Jawa! Batak! Bugis! Aceh! Penan! Senoi! Temuan! Bajau! Bajau Laut! Bugis Bentuk Perang! Kelantanese! Nyonya! Dan lain-lain!"
I mean, honestly, the girls are already humping the white Gods for free, in most clubs and pubs. Why not charge them for it? And then tax the workers. Create a sex workers' union, take care of their welfare or whatever and tax them like shit.
Gays should be allowed to get married. Why? Because marriage sucks and gay people should not escape this pain. They should have the right to be as miserable as we all are.
Which brings us to freedom of religion. With freedom of religion in this country, comes war. Most people who would die from the demonstrating and rioting would be the idiots, and we want idiots dead. Some smart people will die. I will die, if it's about freedom of religion, cause I'll be taking pictures in the middle of a bloodbath, and cause I'm not RPK.
Freedom of religion will ensure around five million Malaysians dead, at least. So we will have cleaner air, and more space. In fact, I believe that riots should be held - damn, organised! - by the Government every four years, so that we can weed off the weak and the sick.
I mean, our Holy Politicians are already acting like they're on Animal Planet. Why don't we do the same? After all, we can't be better than them. Cause be they BN or PR, we voted them in. All of them.