Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Siput Sedut Penghapus Dewa

Aku, Tok Sukaria daripada Kumpulan Sukaria, menjadi saksi kehebatan Siput Sedut Penghapus Dewa.

Ni tulis pakai Blackberry ni. Kejap lagi aku cari cyber cafe.

Make Like a Tree and Leave

I have taken a two week leave. I want to rest a bit, and also catch up on my work. Been falling a bit behind.

I also need some space and time to make some decisions. As I grow older, my time is becoming more and more limited. There are so many things I want to do.

I would love to just focus on one thing, but the reality is, I'm like a shark. If I stop moving, I die. I get depressed when I'm not on multiple projects. And the more projects I pile on, my brain gets fried and I get tired.

I was designed to work and party hard. That's what I am, that's what I do.

I'm best at solving problems of the creative kind. Anything that involves monkey work, I hate.

The key to doing a lot of things at the same time is NOT to do it all at the same time. Do them one at a time. Focus is essential.

And then, there is bullshit. Bullshit will swamp you in. It will bury you, so you have to watch that.

Bullshit includes:

1. Emotion

- unless it is essential to a project, emotion is unnecessary and simply bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I sometimes use emotion as a fuel, but the side effects are worse than the benefits. Lie all you want, but emotion is a luxury you can't afford.

2. People

- people and their bullshit emotion. 99% of time is spent on managing people as well as their emotion. Fuck that, I got work to do, man!

3. People

- people are always a distraction. If there were no people in the world, everyone can get more shit done.

So excuse me for two weeks as I turn off my humanity and embrace the machine side of myself. At some point in these two weeks, I would have to deal with people - my family, for instance - and manage their bullshit emotions.

Whenever this happens, I approach them not as people, but as entities, elements in the project I am in.

So yeah, I am taking leave to actually do more work. Smoke more cigarettes and write more stories.

There is nothing that I fear, other than Fear Itself.



I am a genius of hard work. A barbarian. Knocking on the gates of hell.

See you after the gap.

Cawak Kote!

Cawak Kote!

Paka cawak, kote chokeng. Cawak Kote!

Kalu kote raso gata, toksoh risa, lutuk toksoh keta. Pakalah Cawak Kote - feshe cawak zama sile.

GitS: Solid State Society

I am fascinated with things that hold society together. It is not law, rules or the enforcement of those things.

Neither is it religion, God, belief system or whatever.

At the end of the day, it is trust. And I'm sorry, but I don't trust you.

Amir Hafizi: Manusia Ubahsuaian III

Aku mula menghadiri kem-kem motivasi sejak umur aku 13 tahun.

Di sekolah menengah, aku melalui ceramah, kem, BTN dan apa saja bertalu-talu selama lima tahun.

Kemudian semasa kolej dan sebelum melangkah ke alam kerja, aku menghadiri kem motivasi terulung. Aku membayar RM5250 untuk tiga kursus yang berlangsung selama lima bulan.

Banyak yang aku belajar, sebenarnya. Dan aku terus belajar selepas aku habis meninggalkan semua benda itu.

Perkara paling berguna adalah berdepan dengan diri sendiri. Ramai yang hidup dalam delusi. Menipu diri sendiri. Aku pastikan yang aku sentiasa berterus-terang dengan diri sendiri.

Bahaya menipu diri sendiri. Kelak, sampai ke tua hidup dalam kecelakaan yang dibina atas tabiat sendiri.

Hari ini, pada masa sekarang, aku sudah tidak mengambil kisah tentang hal-hal remeh dan orang picisan. Pergilah mampus. Yang aku kisahkan hanyalah diri dan tanggungjawab aku.

Semua orang boleh membuat keputusan mereka sendiri. Dan ini adalah keputusan aku. Akulah syaitan, tanpa sesalan. Serigala di bawah pokok dunia.

Hisaplah konek aku sambil aku kencing.

Depth Perception

What other people think or perceive of us is irrelevant.

Other people's opinions of us does not matter to us. They only matter in business and other petty things. It is not in any way important.

To put so much on the minds of others is ludicrous and wasteful. No one has the capacity to understand anyone else. Not fully.

I don't even give that power to my family. I stand alone, forever and always. And I am happy to do so.

So spare me the bullshit and fuck off and die.

Nirwana Nevermind

I have always liked the food at Sri Nirwana Maju. However, they seem to have the worst service in the universe.

I was chased away once, and was told to leave to make way for more paying customers. They screwed up my order a few times. Today, I was told that if I ordered anything, there's no guarantee I'll get it any time soon.

So after giving Sri Nirwana Maju multiple chances, I am now saying goodbye. I will never again go there for anything.

I'll find other places to eat. It's not like Bangsar has any shortages in that aspect.

Lazy Fair: The Free Willy Model

I guess that part of growing up, is knowing that there is a limit as to what you can do for people.

One of this year's great revelations and realisations for me is that I cannot save everyone. I cannot live their lives for them. I can only do so much. There are limits.

Limits to my capabilities, limits to my involvement with people.

Because of my superhero dementia, I used to think that if I want to help people, I must commit 100%. I believed that being a samurai means that if I set out to do something, I would die first before failing.

Nope.

According to some scholars, The Book of Five Rings - the very basis for the samurai ethics and principle - was a lie concocted by literate samurais during the Tokugawa rule to continue getting money from the Japanese Government.

They romanticised the role and honour of samurais, according to the studies, to project an image of integrity and pride.

Knowing that some people I care about are in danger or experiencing trouble has been quite frustrating. I wanted to go and make it all right again.

However, at the end of the day, it is not my life to live, and I still have my own responsibilities which I am carrying out.

I still believe in the samurai ethos, the delusions of honour and integrity and whatever the fuck. I mean, comics is my Holy Scripture, what's another fictional bullshit for me to follow?

It will be most irresponsible for me to let go of my own shit in order to control other people's lives.

And so I let go, and after giving whatever advice and information I have, allow these people to make their own decisions and mistakes. I just hope they don't get too hurt or damaged after all is said and done.

Me? I am too stubborn with my own beliefs to do anything more than focus on the path I have committed myself. When I get serious, no power in the universe can stop me.

Mixed Campf: Death to All Purebloods

As MixMaster, I call upon all the mixed-blood people to form a political party.

Doesn't matter if you're half-Bugis, half-Javanese, half-Cantonese and half-Hakka or half-Malayalee and half-Ceylonese. Or if you're ChiBan (Chinese-Iban), ChiBai (Chinese-Bai), BurIt (Burmese-Italian), PanTat (Pan-Asian and Tahitian), KoTe (Kota Bharu-Kuala Terengganu).

As long as you're mixed, you're in.

Mixed people are the next step in evolution. We are genetically superior in every way. Why should we bow down to any pureblood, when our race is clearly superior?

Why should other races own anything, when we are the clear successors to humanity?

The mixed shall inherit the earth.

We have superior culture. Our martial arts (mixed martial arts) can kick any other martial arts' ass, and our mixed rice incorporates any and every pureblood cuisine.

And we will only get stronger.

Mixed Campf: Interracial Fucking and My New Thai Masseuse

I am a firm believer in interracial fucking.

I believe that instead of saying bad things about one another, we should be saying bad things about one another while giving each other oral sex. Or use it in sex.

Imagine this: me and racist going at it.

Me: Respect mah AUTHORITAA!!!

Chick: Fuck me harder, you lazy Malay!

Me: I'm sorry?

Chick: Fuck me harder, you lazy, greedy Chinese-Malay!

Me: That's more like it!

Cause, when you fuck someone from another race, it is impossible for you to hate that race completely. In Malaysia, after two or three generations of interracial fucking, everyone would be Bumiputera. Everyone would be mixed.

Honestly, everyone is mixed. The Malays are an amalgamated race anyway, drawing from the Javanese, Bugis, Batak, Pattani, and a whole rainbow of races. Same thing with Indians, Chinese and everyone else. Everyone is mixed, really.

This also applies to massage, as I segue away from the main article and wander off in a tangent.

Today, I had a Thai massage by a Thai.

Thai: You know, they ask me, I wan to go work spa. Give blowjob and handjob, I make 10,000 ringgit, 15 thousand a mont. I say I do not wan.

Me: Why?

Thai: Because I hep customer here. I like it here. I hep priends. Man-nee I can find.

This is why I love Thais. They know what's important. And she worked so hard as well.

Through my conversations, I managed to find out that this girl used to stay somewhere on the outskirtsd of Bangkok.

"Bus, three our."

And that she used to have a small shop selling clothes.

"For Thai or for farang?" I asked.

"For everyone."

She gave away the shop to her sister who was pregnant, with no father.

"So with shop, she can take care baby. Baby no hep father."

And she came to Malaysia to massage people.

That was so generous of her. And considerate. All I could give her was a RM10 tip.

Mother! Father! Family!

I don't know if it's a sign of me growing older, but I am spending more time with my family these days.

I used to not be able to stand those guys. I was like, what the fuck?

But it's true what that old dude said to me in that pub four years back.

"I'm older, Amir. I can take more shit."

Family, is weird. If I could choose, I'd put Bill Gates as my father. Cause he's filthy rich. I'd get Sophia Loren as my mother. Cause she WAS good looking, in the old days.

What I'm stuck with are really, really, hyper-intelligent, super-emotional people.

My family members are all smart. In fact, if anyone is stupid, what we do is we kill them. You have no right living in this world, if you're stupid.

That being said, they sure have done some dumb things. Like getting married. To this day, I still believe my parents should not have had kids, but that's just me.

That's all in the past now. I used to rebel against anything they want to do to change me. Now, with the realisation that no one can make me do anything unless I allow it, I understand that my family has no power over me.

Nowadays, I help them out, not to fulfill some stupid social convention, but because I want to help.

I hope that the family's next generation, my nephews, will be able to do more amazing things for themselves, the country and the world. I know they have the brains for it. Now, if only they have a good evironment in which to grow. And good guidance.

Mein Kant: Mixed Race is the Master Race

The lesser races would come to us, the Mixed Ones, attracted to our culture and technology.

Look at all the inventions of the Mixed Race:

Mixed rice, mixed fruits, Mix FM, mixed ice (air batu campur), mixed feelings, cement mixer, ice-blended coffee.

Sword, Saber, Love

Damnit! I can't sleep until I get this out of my head.

In the little-known Hong Kong comic book Raja Wira (I don't know the original title, and the Internet also does not seem to have any info on this), which to me is the greatest translated HK comic book ever, we can see the normal depictions of sword and saber, with a twist.

There were three great warriors - Perwira Pedang (Sword Warrior), Perwira Golok (Saber Warrior) and a third element to the tale, Perwira Cinta (Love Warrior).

The triumvirate make up the components of a true hero.

Perwira Pedang became the emperor and is called Maharaja Pedang, Perwira Golok is the greatest pugilist in the land and Perwira Cinta gets the girl all three were trying to fuck.

The protagonist, Si Putih, is the son of Perwira Cinta and that chick.

What I really loved about this comic series is the fact that the main character is in no way the greatest fighter in the land. He also does not become the greatest fighter and does not wish to be one. Si Putih is merely a student of life who tries to learn how to appreciate drinking alcohol. It is said that, 'only a man who has tasted the bitterness of life can appreciate the bitterness of the drink'.

The whole series follows his exploits in trying to get himself and his friends to a higher status in Maharaja Pedang's kingdom - Kota Pedang (Sword City).

Si Putih's talent is his intelligence and charm. He can also master almost any martial arts technique perfectly, though his lack of inner qi limits the destructive power of the techniques.

You can say that in a fight, Si Putih almost never overpowers his opponent, but uses his brains to defeat them.

There is also a lot of sex in this comics series, with one of the main characters - Putera 13 - depicted as someone who wants to write the greatest perverted text in history - Almanak Baju Dalam (Underwear Canon) or something.

Raja Wira also shows a lot of political intrigue and friends as well as enemies change their roles frequently.

There was also the 10 tests, for all of Maharaja Pedang's princes to determine someone who would take over from him. There is also the great duel between Perwira Parang and a young challenger to determine the title of greatest fighter in the land.

Victory and defeat are sometimes determined by other factors than martial arts prowess.

There are also military tactics and riddles to solve.

It is truly a unique comic book in the HK manhua world.

Alas, it ended prematurely, but with a fitting conclusion.

Si Putih managed to win a majority of the challenges for Putera 13. He was also recognised by the three heroes - Maharaja Pedang, Perwira Parang and his own father Perwira Cinta - as a worthy successor for the next generation due to his cunning.

Putera 13, after becoming the emperor due to Si Putih's help, starts to get jealous of the immensely talented and good-looking Si Putih. So Si Putih, his friends Wu and Sepuluh Tahil, left the place. They broke off as each has his or her own side stories which were never resolved - such as Sepuluh Tahil's mysterious origins, as well as Wu's crush on her.

On the outskirts of the city, where the story started, Si Putih drank wine alone and appreciated the bitter tang and sweetness of the drink as well as life. Having achieved everything he ever wanted, he ultimately lost his best friends as well as everything else he worked for throughout the series.

That was a fucking great comic book. Can someone tell me the real title of this great work, written by Chris Lau?

Sword Vs Sabre

I woke up, compelled to write this down.

In Chinese comics (manhua), the sword is considered the weapon of a gentleman. Often depicted as light and sharp, the double-bladed weapon takes precision and style to incorporate deadly thrusts.

Meanwhile, the single-bladed sabre has been associated with conquerors and barbarians. It is usually either heavy, or would sport metal rings, to make the blade heavy as Chinese sabre-play makes full use of strength and a guillotine-like chopping or slashing action.

This trend is revered in Storm Riders/Wind and Cloud/Fung Wan/Feng Yun/Pedang Setiawan where the premier sword - Greatest Under Heaven/Pedang Istimewa - is heavy and blunt, wielded by a berserker - Cloud. Meanwhile, the more gentlemanly Wind uses the Ice Sabre/Pedang Salji which is light and fast.

Nameless, or Tanpa Nama/Mou Ming is the quintessential gentlemanly swordsman and as such, is arguably the most powerful pugilist in the series. He has attained the highest level of swordsplay Heaven Sword/Pedang Syurga and also practices the martial art Origin of All Swords/Seribu Pedang Pulang ke Asal.

Another play on the sword vs sabre in Fung Wan is shown by the Japanese character Po Jun. Po Jun uses two weapons - a very wide sword and a thin sabre, both of which contradict their normal nature in Chinese manhuas.

This is what I like about Ma Wing Shing's work - never afraid to break convention. Except for one plot which had a dragon shown as a T-Rex. I hated that.

The play on sword versus sabre is also a reference to the yin-yang in taoisme, as well as the Jungian concept of the duality of man. Cold, almost heartless Cloud wields the fiery Kirin arm and the Greatest Under Heaven Sword, which was forged from a very hot birthplace. Warm and kind-hearted Wind uses the cold Ice Sabre, inherited from his north-dwelling father Yan Wang.

The theme runs throughout the series, and is sometimes shown as incomplete simply to highlight both the existence of one side (for example, ultimate swordsman Nameless without a sabre-wielding counterpart) as well as the absence of the other.

This is how I see Hong Kong comics. Don't get me started on Tigershark/Pendekar Laut.

Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre

I am a fan of Jin Yong's (Louis Cha) work. Of all of them, my favourite has always been Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre, or its real name, Yi Tin Tou Loong Gei.

Jet Li acted in one of the best movie adaptations, called Kung Fu Cult Master.

Ma Wing Shing did a comic bearing the same title.

The story centers around Zhang Wuji, 'grandson' of Zhang Sanfeng (the guy who did Tai-Chi and was founder of the Wutang Clan) and godson of Xie Xun (Golden-Haired Lion). He is the son of Zhang Chuisan, Sanfeng's disciple and Yin Susu, who is the daughter of a prominent member of the Ming Cult.

Find out the story from Wikipedia, will ya? Or read the comics.

I like the concept of the Nine Yang Manual curing Wuji and giving him a perfect basis to master Heaven and Earth Great Shift as well as any martial arts he wants to master.

In the Jet Li movie, the Nine Yang Manual allowed Wuji to fly and shoot kame hame has from the sky.

The weapons have a secret. Both have manuals in them. One is the Nine Yin Manual and 18 Dragon-Killing Palm, created by Guo Jing, which later became a standard stance for the Beggars Sect. The other held the Book of Wumu, something like Sun Tzu's Art of War.

At some point in my life, I want to write something that is similar to the complex tapestry of Jin Yong's work. I managed to do outlines of this when I was 19 years old. Now, I want to do it for real.

I don't know why I wrote this.

Rejected Animation Proposal: Racist Rangers

Racist Rangers! They're the heroes! Gonna take racism down to zero! They're our powers, magnified, and they're fighting on, unracist siiiiide.

Rizal: Let our powers combine. Towering Malay!

Chee: Compliant Chinese!

Sunder: Funky Indian!

BarneyApaiKimYamashitaUkuleleSingh: Dan Lain-Lain!

Machindalai: By your powers combined, I am MACHINDALAI!

Ma-Chin-Da-Lai! He's a hero! Gonna take racism down to zero! He's our powers, magnified, and he's fighting on, unracist siiiiide.

Lee Kuan Yin: You'll pay for this, Machindalai!

Racist Rangers: We're the Racist Rangers! You can be one too! Cause saving the hoo-mans is the thing to do. Hating and spelunking, is not the way. Hear what Machindalai, has to say!

Machindalai: The powerrrr is YOURS!

Understanding People

There is only one truth about people. People measure everything in relation to them.

They are the center of their own universes.

So when you're selling stuff to people, it is never about you. It is always about them. What you can do for them. How being associated with you makes them feel or look.

People do not care about your problems. They have no interest in you. Just themselves. Whenever they talk, it is always about them, in relation to them. They are the heroes of their own stories - often tragic and fucking emo.

This is why, at the end of my career, I just want to retire to a nice beach, and just watch the sun go down every day till I die. I'll set up electric fences, maybe erect a wall.

I always find people to be loud. When they're there, they're very loud without even opening their mouths. As a homo ultimatus, I tend to shapeshift to be whatever they want from me.

Put me with people who talk a lot, and I'd shut up. Put me with quiet people, and I talk a lot.

Now, all of you reading this are awake, yes? So I'll go to sleep. G'nite!

Credit!

Today, I paid off one of my credit cards. I got one left, plus the loan from PTPTN.

You don't know how hard I've worked to pay them off. As much as I don't care how hard you've worked to pay off your debts.

Credit cards are evil. 18% interest. And I didn't even realise it when one day, BAM! I was stuck. Managed to pay off half of the damned thing. Now, for the other half.

PTPTN is at 12% interest. My aim is to pay one third or half of it at least, by the end of the year. Can I do it? Is it possible?

I am the Lord of Destruction. I will destroy the loans. Hwuarrrgghh!

Hookers! HOOKERS! HOO-FUCKING-KERS!

"The women, they go for men who are rich."

"Like, duh."

"What do you mean?"

"Given a choice between crappy men who are poor, and crappy men who are rich, which would you choose?"

"Ah, well, that means they choose money."

"Good!"

"And what makes them so different than hookers? It's the same shit, right? Pay for play. Pussy-mongering."

"I don't see it like that."

"Hey, no worries. I'm not condemning those women. They have a right to be hookers. In fact, I love hookers. They have so many stories. I have enough hooker stories to make 20 movies."

"But, but. Men go for looks."

"Correct. Looks, amongst other things. Just like in a go go bar. Or a fishbowl."

"Why don't you go to Thailand! And fuck hookers!"

"I would love to, really."

"But you're still here!"

"Yes. Because even though you're a hooker, I still love you."

"Awww..."

"Maybe... BECAUSE you're a hooker -"

"Here's a business advice. Free of charge. Don't sell when it's already sold."

Amir Hafizi: Bounty Hunter

I'm Boba Fett, motherfucker.

I'm gonna wear my helmet and chase you to the ends of the Earth. I'll find you. And in the darkness, bind you.

Muahahaha!