Sometimes, I think, I have no drive anymore, you know.
I used to be fueled by so many things - anger, hatred, a desire to seek approval, a desire to right the wrongs, to save people.
Nowadays, I just don't feel anything anymore. I'm not numb or anything, I just don't get as dramatic as before.
I enjoy more things, and I give myself more time to observe them. To savour them.
I still feel a strong desire to kill all idiots, but with the realisation that idiots will kill themselves as well as each other, I really don't give a shit anymore.
I used to get really pissed off by people who try to manipulate or control me. Nowadays, I just find them extremely annoying, and I stay away from them.
I don't try to destroy them anymore, because I know no one - absolutely no one - can make me do anything I do not want.
What is there left for them to threaten me with? There's nothing, really.
Sometimes, I look around me, and I'm wondering, "When is the attack?" and then I realise that that was a world away.
Sometimes, I honestly feel like I'm back from the Gulf War or something. Like I'm back from 'Nam. Shell-shocked and paranoid.
The days when I was fueled by hatred and a sense of being the victim, life was much, much simpler. I wore blinders, was not concerned with anything around me, just forward and kill, kill, kill.
Somewhere along the way, I realised that if I continued down that path, it would only lead to more suffering and pain. Pain is a fuel, a drug, and you don't want to have that in your tank. A fast burn, a jolt, and that's it.
I realised that I will find whatever it is I'm looking for, and that has given me peace - and that is what I'm looking for.
I don't know how yet, but I will try to get this message out to you.
