Even though I am genetically half-Chinese and half-Malay, many people consider me a Malay.
Since I'm a man, and I'm Malay, a lot of people assume that I am stupid and horny.
Well, I guess I am horny. I'm horny all the time. Oh my Science, I'm so horny, I am masturbating as I type. How's my one-handed typing skills?
Maybe I am stupid, cause I am not a millionaire. Anyone who is not a millionaire is stupid.
Oh yes, I'm lazy.
I'm a laziest ass motherfucker who ever fucked your mother.
I get handouts from the Government. Why, just this morning, Uncle Najib, our PM, knocked on my door and gave me two full bags of money.
Najib: Here's your Bumiputera money, nephew!
Me: Thanks, Uncle! How much thic time?
Najib: Oh, just two million. You can't work hard like Lee Kuan Yin, cause Lee Kuan Yin got rich cause of hard work, and you - a Malay - can only be rich if you kiss my ass.
Me: I don't have to kiss your ass, do I, Uncle?
Najib: No, that would be incest. Hey, I heard this Anwar guy is susceptible to anal rape?
Me: I can't say anything, Uncle, that would be subjudice.
Najib: Oh, we don't follow the law here in Malaysia. The law is just for show. We are so lawless, no lawyers can make any money.
Me: Yeah, I know. I gave one lawyer two cents last night. He ran away deliriously happy.
After that, Uncle Najib gave me some spy gadgets all Malays should have:
1. Fancy smartphones.
2. Fancy smartphone covers.
3. Ringtones and ringback tones for my fancy smartphones.
Najib: I want you to spy for me.
Me: What's my assignment?
Najib: Oh, I dunno. Just be evil and spiteful. Make sure that the Care Bears never win.
Me: Roger that, Uncle. Last night, Butt-Heart and NakedBear and Handicapped-Heart and Holier-Than-Thou Bear just ran for their moral high-ground, which was incidentally below sea-levels. ANyway, I got to sleep now. Thanks for the handouts! Now that I'm a multi-millionaire, I'm no longer stupid. Just horny.
Najib: I got like, 20 million bumiputeras to give handouts to. Thank Science that every day, is a long day, allowing me to send all these handouts amounting to RM850 trillion daily. Science-speed, my nephew. Science bless us all.