I woke up just now from a dream. It's about my car - The Malay Mobile.
A friend asked today, "what do Malays buy?" and I got pissed off a bit because Malays buy junk. Their purchases sometimes baffle me, like wedding bullshit to show off to people, electronics to show off to people, and many forms of junk, just to show off to people. It's all JUNK!
Been bitching about it for years, and then I realised that I am buying junk as well.
I think, for my first car, at 32-years-old, I want a used vehicle. Something I would not give a shit about if I get it dented here and there. A strong car, and safe cause I'm paranoid about road safety.
I'd need airbags, a history of reliability and great reviews throughout the years. And then there's the actual heap itself, which must be in good condition. An expert is coming to town this weekend, and we may take a look at some candidates.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Knots
My soul is at peace, but my mind is on overdrive. So many things, so many moving parts, each with its own trajectory, back story, arc, connections, weight, transmutations and permutations.
By lunch time today, I found my brain tired. Fortunately, I have discovered a means to focus on my self, the real one, without making my mind the me that is... here I go again.
I do long for the emptiness found in the arms of Bangkok or Phuket. The transcendental realisation that nothing matters and that we put value and weight on things ourselves.
I just relaxed my shoulders. Did not realise how tense I was.
It's time for some meditation. I am the Kwitzach Haderach!
By lunch time today, I found my brain tired. Fortunately, I have discovered a means to focus on my self, the real one, without making my mind the me that is... here I go again.
I do long for the emptiness found in the arms of Bangkok or Phuket. The transcendental realisation that nothing matters and that we put value and weight on things ourselves.
I just relaxed my shoulders. Did not realise how tense I was.
It's time for some meditation. I am the Kwitzach Haderach!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Cameraman Bias
For the past month, I've been hauling cameras and tripods all across the country, taking pictures and videos in a professional capacity. It is part of my work, which constantly requires me to find new things to do.
I love it, but some of the people I worked with before were quite surprised - I sensed - that I was doing 'hard labour'.
I have held positions before in various media companies that require little to no physical exertion or in the idea generation category. To some people, it may seem, doing this is a demotion of sort.
They look at me with pity in their eyes and sometimes, laughter. I'm sure none of it was malicious.
This baffles me, though. I was and am excited with using the Canon 5D Mark II as well as the Panasonic P2 HDV, the Sony camera, and getting the necessary field experience to familiarize myself with all the gear. I am not an expert after a few weeks, but I understand the fundamentals, which is what I was going for.
I have been talking about getting my hands on these cameras since 2005. It is one of my dreams. And there are camera people whom I admire.
To some people, though, hauling gear and standing up to shoot does not seem to be an honourable profession.
My take is that any job is honourable as long as it is not motivated by spite, hatred or anger. Any money or food gleaned from honest work is good food and good money.
I see no shame in camera work. I mean, there are DOPs in the States who make more money and earn more respect than anyone in Malaysia. There are photographers who charge US$100,000 per shot. PER SHOT.
I sense that MOST Malaysians do not understand that photo as well as videography are both crafts as well as art-forms. I understand only the basics of the craft, and some people have elevated it to an art-form.
It's like how when Yasmin's films came out and everyone was talking about story. Bunohan came out, and people start talking about visual direction and the like.
I believe the hallmark of any civilisation, any society, is in the appreciation of entertainment as well as the craft that goes into it.
Therefore, entertainment is king. And all entertainment really is, is just communication.
I love it, but some of the people I worked with before were quite surprised - I sensed - that I was doing 'hard labour'.
I have held positions before in various media companies that require little to no physical exertion or in the idea generation category. To some people, it may seem, doing this is a demotion of sort.
They look at me with pity in their eyes and sometimes, laughter. I'm sure none of it was malicious.
This baffles me, though. I was and am excited with using the Canon 5D Mark II as well as the Panasonic P2 HDV, the Sony camera, and getting the necessary field experience to familiarize myself with all the gear. I am not an expert after a few weeks, but I understand the fundamentals, which is what I was going for.
I have been talking about getting my hands on these cameras since 2005. It is one of my dreams. And there are camera people whom I admire.
To some people, though, hauling gear and standing up to shoot does not seem to be an honourable profession.
My take is that any job is honourable as long as it is not motivated by spite, hatred or anger. Any money or food gleaned from honest work is good food and good money.
I see no shame in camera work. I mean, there are DOPs in the States who make more money and earn more respect than anyone in Malaysia. There are photographers who charge US$100,000 per shot. PER SHOT.
I sense that MOST Malaysians do not understand that photo as well as videography are both crafts as well as art-forms. I understand only the basics of the craft, and some people have elevated it to an art-form.
It's like how when Yasmin's films came out and everyone was talking about story. Bunohan came out, and people start talking about visual direction and the like.
I believe the hallmark of any civilisation, any society, is in the appreciation of entertainment as well as the craft that goes into it.
Therefore, entertainment is king. And all entertainment really is, is just communication.
Cacat
I started out trusting people, which is why I don't trust them anymore.
A few years ago, though, I discovered that it is none of my concern whether people are trustworthy or not. It is something beyond my control. The only thing I can do is to be trustworthy.
I cannot say, with 100% confidence, that I have never lied, but I can tell you that being honest (provided you ask the right questions) is something I take pride in.
I have paid dearly for this luxury. I created enemies and even though I know I could fuck all the girls I could ever want and make even more money by lying, I simply do not want to.
One broken promise I'll admit to still haunts me to this day. I hate that. But I also do not lie because I believe it is unfair and creates a world I do not want to live in.
All this, is not to say I am a good man. No, I will go to hell, according to most religion's 'experts'. Nope. It is just a confession that I am cacat.
A few years ago, though, I discovered that it is none of my concern whether people are trustworthy or not. It is something beyond my control. The only thing I can do is to be trustworthy.
I cannot say, with 100% confidence, that I have never lied, but I can tell you that being honest (provided you ask the right questions) is something I take pride in.
I have paid dearly for this luxury. I created enemies and even though I know I could fuck all the girls I could ever want and make even more money by lying, I simply do not want to.
One broken promise I'll admit to still haunts me to this day. I hate that. But I also do not lie because I believe it is unfair and creates a world I do not want to live in.
All this, is not to say I am a good man. No, I will go to hell, according to most religion's 'experts'. Nope. It is just a confession that I am cacat.
If You Can Do A Movie - Any Movie...
Someone asked me this question - if you can do a movie, any movie, what movie would that be?
Well, there is a story I've been trying to sell since I was 19. Over the years, it has evolved into what it is today. To date, no major production house has taken any interest in it, because I am sure it will not make money in Malaysia.
Yes, I don't think it will make money at all. And I still want to do it.
This is a story which, if I can do properly, I can immediately die happy.
It's called Nuklear, and here is the first act:
Well, there is a story I've been trying to sell since I was 19. Over the years, it has evolved into what it is today. To date, no major production house has taken any interest in it, because I am sure it will not make money in Malaysia.
Yes, I don't think it will make money at all. And I still want to do it.
This is a story which, if I can do properly, I can immediately die happy.
It's called Nuklear, and here is the first act:
The last man on earth walks in a post-nuclear war KL. He sinks to his knees. In the narrative, he blames himself. If only he stopped all this.
The man wakes up from his dream.
A subtitle appears. Two weeks ago. This is Baki. He goes through his morning rituals, exactly as he does every day. Everything in his apartment is neat and balanced in a symmetrical manner.
He goes to work and his office mates make fun of him for being so OCD. Baki is shown at an office function, serious and straight as his office mates are all enjoying themselves. He is at a karaoke, and he is still wearing the same expression.
He is at work (all these shots use the same angle of Baki, but with different elements in the background) and he is at home. Baki goes home and he avoids fun things like the plague. He holes himself up in his room and watches depressing movies. He believes that if he laughs for five minutes, he would then cry for five minutes.
When he was a young boy of eight, Baki received a cat for his birthday. He was laughing for half an hour and then, the cat was run over by a truck, causing him to cry for the better part of a day. A man in a white suit would always appear as Baki is happy and be gone after he is sad.
Baki once was given an ice-cream cone by an uncle. Happy, he went for a walk in the park, where he was accosted by bullies and went home crying, with no ice-cream but with two lumps on his forehead. Man in suit appears.
Baki soon became a very dark and sombre child, afraid to laugh for fear of upsetting the balance of the world. He goes everywhere with a permanent sad frown on his face, and is usually the odd one out in any children’s group as he refuses to smile.
The next day is Saturday and Baki goes to see his ailing father. Baki meets Shira - a spunky young nurse who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Shira works at the hospice where Baki’s father is being cared for. When she sees him and his idiosyncrasies, she is just hooked and wouldn’t let go.
Baki, unaccustomed to being pursued, finally relents after he couldn’t shake Shira off.
Shira also has her quirks. She suffers from being tormented in her childhood by kids who called her She-Ra Princess of Power – a cartoon character. In response, she decides to embody the character and her heroic trait. This has turned her into having a superhero complex as well as an eternally positive, cheery outlook.
For one whole week, Baki spends his time dating Shira (fast-cut montage). They go to see movies, to the funfair, to Aquaria, watch TV at home, and play games on her PS3. Shira gives Baki a picture of her, to keep in his wallet.
For the first time in his life, Baki learns to smile and laugh again.
Then, Baki wakes up for work the next Monday, looks at the sign on his door and realizes that – damn! – he was happy the weekend before. In fact, it was the happiest time of his life. But the man in the suit is not there.
He fears the consequences of his happiness.
Indeed, bad things start to happen to him. He waits for the bus, and it starts to rain. A car splashes water from a puddle on him. He is late for work, and the company’s entire accounting database is zapped by lightning.
Baki goes home, dejected, and finally sees the man in suit, reading a newspaper. The man smiles and vanishes. Baki reads the newspaper he left and sees a headline saying a nuclear war is imminent.
Vagabond: If You Can do A Movie - Any Movie
I came back from a harrowing five day thing in Johor at 5pm. I put out some small fires at the office and immediately was whisked away for a drink. Lasted six hours, as I waited for a friend.
We ended up talking for another two hours.
All this, and the topic was dreams. I belong to Dream of the Endless, and I now have some ideas for some of my stories which may or may not find a home.
I'll share with you the things I'm doing and some stories I have kept for years. In fact, I will try some experiments to see whether I could pull off some miracles.
For now, though, I'm dead tired. Never been this tired in a long, long while. Bed is calling.
We ended up talking for another two hours.
All this, and the topic was dreams. I belong to Dream of the Endless, and I now have some ideas for some of my stories which may or may not find a home.
I'll share with you the things I'm doing and some stories I have kept for years. In fact, I will try some experiments to see whether I could pull off some miracles.
For now, though, I'm dead tired. Never been this tired in a long, long while. Bed is calling.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Stuff
Ever since I stopped wanting anything, even more stuff show up at my door. This would have been extremely good when I was a driven young man, desperate to prove myself.
I'm old now. Fucking ancient. I can even have sex with people over 30 - that's how old I am.
I guess doing everything I ever wanted before I hit 30 - bring down one Government, my many writing exploits, going off on adventures, discovering serenity - means that all I have left is solving problems and puzzles on a day-to-day basis.
Stuff just accumulates around me. Even when I wanted to go on stealth mode, it still shows up. I have learned not to sweat the small stuff and focus on big ones. However, big people usually stumble on the small things, so I pay attention to the small fires as well as big infernos.
What do I want now? To prepare for retirement. I got maybe 10 years of working like an immortal. Another 10 as a planner, if it comes to it. I don't want to work like I do today, 20 years from now.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Aku dan 'Sesuatu'
Habis je kerja hari ni, aku terus berjalan pikul kamera video besar dengan tripod balik rumah.
Gila power habis la aku ni. Menulis boleh, jadi kameraman boleh, pikul barang pun boleh.
Aku sampai ke gate, aku terkentut, tapi kentut aku telah disekat oleh 'sesuatu'.
Aku terus melangkah masuk dalam lif, dan terketar-ketar aku bukak pintu apartment aku.
Masuk ke dalam, aku bukak semua baju, seluar, whatever lah. Stokin tu payah sikit. Dua kali aku cuba, baru berjaya.
Lepas bukak spender, aku raba bontot aku, takut 'sesuatu' ada melekat di situ. Tak ada. Aku periksa seluar dalam aku. Pun takda!
Aku masuk dalam bilik air, duduk atas jamban, lepas tu, HIYYYYYAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Taik keluar berketul-ketul dengan kandungan angin kentut yang banyak.
Akhirnya, aku berjaya.
Gila power habis la aku ni. Menulis boleh, jadi kameraman boleh, pikul barang pun boleh.
Aku sampai ke gate, aku terkentut, tapi kentut aku telah disekat oleh 'sesuatu'.
Aku terus melangkah masuk dalam lif, dan terketar-ketar aku bukak pintu apartment aku.
Masuk ke dalam, aku bukak semua baju, seluar, whatever lah. Stokin tu payah sikit. Dua kali aku cuba, baru berjaya.
Lepas bukak spender, aku raba bontot aku, takut 'sesuatu' ada melekat di situ. Tak ada. Aku periksa seluar dalam aku. Pun takda!
Aku masuk dalam bilik air, duduk atas jamban, lepas tu, HIYYYYYAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Taik keluar berketul-ketul dengan kandungan angin kentut yang banyak.
Akhirnya, aku berjaya.
The Karmic Wheel Turns
I believe in some sort of karma. I understand that whatever energy we put out gets returned to us. Whatever good deeds, deeds and misdeeds will eventually set forth events in motion and soon we will find ourselves surrounded by them.
I'm no angel, and some years ago, the bad things I did haunted me every day and every night. Until I realised that guilt is best-handled by Christians. And fear by those who are more Islamic than any Muslim.
We create our own hell or heaven. We write our own stories.
Of utmost importance is intention. Islam speaks about this. If your intention is pure, no power in the universe can condemn you.
To align yourself with the proper intention, though, is deceptively simple. Means it is not.
A lot of intention stems from ego, and a desire for self-preservation, which is also egoic in nature.
I write this as a reminder to myself. To always, always, be in alignment with the truth, and to always embody good intentions.
There will be the misguided deeds of people, for people are blind, dumb and deaf. There will be other shit.
But our intentions should always be pure, and fuck everything else.
I'm no angel, and some years ago, the bad things I did haunted me every day and every night. Until I realised that guilt is best-handled by Christians. And fear by those who are more Islamic than any Muslim.
We create our own hell or heaven. We write our own stories.
Of utmost importance is intention. Islam speaks about this. If your intention is pure, no power in the universe can condemn you.
To align yourself with the proper intention, though, is deceptively simple. Means it is not.
A lot of intention stems from ego, and a desire for self-preservation, which is also egoic in nature.
I write this as a reminder to myself. To always, always, be in alignment with the truth, and to always embody good intentions.
There will be the misguided deeds of people, for people are blind, dumb and deaf. There will be other shit.
But our intentions should always be pure, and fuck everything else.
Monday, March 19, 2012
A Tale of Sound and Fury
Tonight, I went through a full half-hour of dramatic pathos, heroic delusions and unbounded megalomania.
I was explaining to a hapless friend how I am humanity's last chance, the saviour of mankind, when I thought, "This is stupid."
I am NOT anyone's saviour. I am NOT a superhero. I am a man. With a dick.
In fact, I am nothing. I am space.
There is no need for drama or a heightened sense of self-importance. I breathe, I eat, I shit. And when the time comes, I will die. Nothing at all like the drama in my head.
For a while there, I was caught in the ego's story. We all have stories in which we are the leads, the heroes of our own saga. We tell it to ourselves everyday and if we're not careful, we will believe in our own bullshit.
I think part of growing up is getting rid of that addiction to focus on the task and decisions at hand.
I currently have many things to do and think about. Rather than drown myself in a pool of angst and pathos, I am going to do some work.
Cheerio!
I was explaining to a hapless friend how I am humanity's last chance, the saviour of mankind, when I thought, "This is stupid."
I am NOT anyone's saviour. I am NOT a superhero. I am a man. With a dick.
In fact, I am nothing. I am space.
There is no need for drama or a heightened sense of self-importance. I breathe, I eat, I shit. And when the time comes, I will die. Nothing at all like the drama in my head.
For a while there, I was caught in the ego's story. We all have stories in which we are the leads, the heroes of our own saga. We tell it to ourselves everyday and if we're not careful, we will believe in our own bullshit.
I think part of growing up is getting rid of that addiction to focus on the task and decisions at hand.
I currently have many things to do and think about. Rather than drown myself in a pool of angst and pathos, I am going to do some work.
Cheerio!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Stage
I just came back from Saya Sebatang Pensel, part of StoryFest 2012.
I took the kind offer from Pang because I have always wanted to understand more closely the process that involves performers on stage, or in front of cameras.
I have been in the media for close to nine years and I spent the first five years covering mostly performing arts, but I haven't done anything on stage. Not properly.
Saya Sebatang Pensel gave the perfect space to experiment, as we were only expected to read our writings. Theatrics, props, were all optional.
After a few rewrites, I decided to chuck the text out and rely on a series of stickman sketches as some sort of crude presentation slides. The story is true, and I went through it, so I know every detail. I did not need to memorise anything, just what happened and some lines I wrote in the previous, discarded pieces.
So I completed the sketches with some help last night, and woke up today to go to the dentist. Needed to get my teeth cleaned, because sometimes, the cause of my slurred speech is due to me trying to hide nicotine and tar stains on my teeth.
I had them cleaned, then thought, what the hell - I got a haircut as well.
And then a massage.
Went home and resolved some emotional issues by listening to some songs, went to PJ Live Arts and was prepared to be a dick.
You see, the feedback from the sole rehearsal was that while the story is fine, my delivery sucked. I needed to work on that, so I decided to get into some kind of character.
The story is about me trying to be rich by getting money from the Government using my Malayness. While it is not me, I needed to be one of those entitled Malays. One of those Malays who believe that everything should just fall on their laps because they are Malay. That one. I needed to be a douchebag. For the delivery.
So I dialed it up and became a needy, justifying character.
The first delivery during a last rehearsal was good, in fact, is my own favourite performance of myself. Still rough, still raw, but the energy was correct. I even went down and left the director to haul shit on stage, because I'm entitled. Hahaha. Nah, I just forgot.
Then, after some cigarettes and sitting down with a supposedly nervous Zedeck Siew, the show began.
Zedeck went first, and he did not show any of the nerves he was whining about before. I was second.
I was very self-conscious about my slurred speech, so I slowed the tempo down in the beginning, but it then picked up. I really have little memory of what went on stage, as it all felt automatic. I remember thinking whether people understood what I was saying. Were they laughing at the right cue? And how did the fact that I don't drive drew some 'ooohhhs'? Are they assuming I have a driver or some shit?
It was over and I went to sit down. All these recollections, vague.
Zainah Anwar, of Sisters in Islam, did wayyyy better than during rehearsal. I think the crowd fed her energy and she was not holding back.
Liyana Dizzy went up and delivered what I considered the best piece - a manifestation of ambition as pets/monsters.
Zedeck went up again and delivered his second piece, demonstrating his own experience on stage. The fucker had me believing he was nervous.
Then, it was Jerome Kugan, who discarded his text and decided to tell a story of his own, right on the spot.
Bernice Chauly showed her own professional creds with a polished reading of a polished piece.
Then Zedeck went up a third time, completing his trilogy.
What I have gleaned is that as with work, there is no need to panic, or be nervous, even though I was. And you have to trust everything else and everyone else to function without you.
I also saw energy projection at work in a very unique way. I noticed energy projection in meetings, presentations, etc. But with my stuff, I usually do not do the projecting. I respond to whatever is necessary, but you can change the tone of a whole night by simple projection.
To get rid of jitters, and to get in the right frame of mind, I had to embody some sort of character, and it was one of a jerk. My piece was not one for people to relate to. They could hardly put themselves in my shoes. Not really.
My task was not to get them to be empathic, or to understand. It was merely to look at funny scenes and ideas, and enjoy them.
Zainah got good response because a lot of people could relate to her piece. Liyana's is excellent writing, but some don't understand it. Which is why Bunohan is not making a killing at the box office, I presume.
And people are just wowed by Bernice's strong skills and experience. Zedeck is a pretty boy.
I believe that this exercise helps me understand a lot more about stuff. I believe writing, performing, are all just forms of communication. All this while, I have been focusing on what is on paper. The words. The style, the flow has always been whatever works for the piece.
The stage sheds light into other things. Non-verbal cues, tone and other stuff that is not in the written work. It has always been there in any writing, but having an opportunity to see and experience it is extremely beneficial.
I thank everyone involved for doing this and allowing me to see the intricacies. I also had fun.
I took the kind offer from Pang because I have always wanted to understand more closely the process that involves performers on stage, or in front of cameras.
I have been in the media for close to nine years and I spent the first five years covering mostly performing arts, but I haven't done anything on stage. Not properly.
Saya Sebatang Pensel gave the perfect space to experiment, as we were only expected to read our writings. Theatrics, props, were all optional.
After a few rewrites, I decided to chuck the text out and rely on a series of stickman sketches as some sort of crude presentation slides. The story is true, and I went through it, so I know every detail. I did not need to memorise anything, just what happened and some lines I wrote in the previous, discarded pieces.
So I completed the sketches with some help last night, and woke up today to go to the dentist. Needed to get my teeth cleaned, because sometimes, the cause of my slurred speech is due to me trying to hide nicotine and tar stains on my teeth.
I had them cleaned, then thought, what the hell - I got a haircut as well.
And then a massage.
Went home and resolved some emotional issues by listening to some songs, went to PJ Live Arts and was prepared to be a dick.
You see, the feedback from the sole rehearsal was that while the story is fine, my delivery sucked. I needed to work on that, so I decided to get into some kind of character.
The story is about me trying to be rich by getting money from the Government using my Malayness. While it is not me, I needed to be one of those entitled Malays. One of those Malays who believe that everything should just fall on their laps because they are Malay. That one. I needed to be a douchebag. For the delivery.
So I dialed it up and became a needy, justifying character.
The first delivery during a last rehearsal was good, in fact, is my own favourite performance of myself. Still rough, still raw, but the energy was correct. I even went down and left the director to haul shit on stage, because I'm entitled. Hahaha. Nah, I just forgot.
Then, after some cigarettes and sitting down with a supposedly nervous Zedeck Siew, the show began.
Zedeck went first, and he did not show any of the nerves he was whining about before. I was second.
I was very self-conscious about my slurred speech, so I slowed the tempo down in the beginning, but it then picked up. I really have little memory of what went on stage, as it all felt automatic. I remember thinking whether people understood what I was saying. Were they laughing at the right cue? And how did the fact that I don't drive drew some 'ooohhhs'? Are they assuming I have a driver or some shit?
It was over and I went to sit down. All these recollections, vague.
Zainah Anwar, of Sisters in Islam, did wayyyy better than during rehearsal. I think the crowd fed her energy and she was not holding back.
Liyana Dizzy went up and delivered what I considered the best piece - a manifestation of ambition as pets/monsters.
Zedeck went up again and delivered his second piece, demonstrating his own experience on stage. The fucker had me believing he was nervous.
Then, it was Jerome Kugan, who discarded his text and decided to tell a story of his own, right on the spot.
Bernice Chauly showed her own professional creds with a polished reading of a polished piece.
Then Zedeck went up a third time, completing his trilogy.
What I have gleaned is that as with work, there is no need to panic, or be nervous, even though I was. And you have to trust everything else and everyone else to function without you.
I also saw energy projection at work in a very unique way. I noticed energy projection in meetings, presentations, etc. But with my stuff, I usually do not do the projecting. I respond to whatever is necessary, but you can change the tone of a whole night by simple projection.
To get rid of jitters, and to get in the right frame of mind, I had to embody some sort of character, and it was one of a jerk. My piece was not one for people to relate to. They could hardly put themselves in my shoes. Not really.
My task was not to get them to be empathic, or to understand. It was merely to look at funny scenes and ideas, and enjoy them.
Zainah got good response because a lot of people could relate to her piece. Liyana's is excellent writing, but some don't understand it. Which is why Bunohan is not making a killing at the box office, I presume.
And people are just wowed by Bernice's strong skills and experience. Zedeck is a pretty boy.
I believe that this exercise helps me understand a lot more about stuff. I believe writing, performing, are all just forms of communication. All this while, I have been focusing on what is on paper. The words. The style, the flow has always been whatever works for the piece.
The stage sheds light into other things. Non-verbal cues, tone and other stuff that is not in the written work. It has always been there in any writing, but having an opportunity to see and experience it is extremely beneficial.
I thank everyone involved for doing this and allowing me to see the intricacies. I also had fun.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Vektor 58
Two years ago, I wrote this with Roy and Jack. Directed by Rosh, produced by Mohamed Fasya and special effects by the guys at ChainFX. ChainFX - to me the best special effects studio in Malaysia.
Vagabond: Ambition
Tonight, I go on stage to talk about one of my ambitions. Saya Sebatang Pensel at PJ Live Arts, Jaya One.
A former ambition, of course, because ambition is poison. I believe desire is poison. Have seen a lot of good men and women who become stupid and kill themselves over a desire too big to be fulfilled.
Religion also tells us that desire is bad, condemning us to repress it, until it becomes a potent toxin and then asks us to take it, saying it is good medicine.
I was asked whether I wanted to act, recently. I have no such inclinations. I do not want to attract attention to myself as I am happy behind the stage.
I am on the stage tonight simply to understand more about it. Stage presence, which is similar to the presence I have read about, and crowd interaction.
The stage is another form of communication, and since I am in the business, it would be beneficial to see how the process goes, and learn from the failures and successes.
However, I have no expectations. Having no ambitions is good for me and contrary to the belief that this will diminish drive, I am now free to focus my energy on one task at a time. This focus is more effective than constantly longing for a goal and giving myself cancer over it.
Lots of people say they want peace, and then they complain about other people or things in their environment or unfulfilled desires - eliminating any possibility of peace.
It would be much more effective to do something about it. Just be still, and move. And with each motion, the universe moves with you.
A former ambition, of course, because ambition is poison. I believe desire is poison. Have seen a lot of good men and women who become stupid and kill themselves over a desire too big to be fulfilled.
Religion also tells us that desire is bad, condemning us to repress it, until it becomes a potent toxin and then asks us to take it, saying it is good medicine.
I was asked whether I wanted to act, recently. I have no such inclinations. I do not want to attract attention to myself as I am happy behind the stage.
I am on the stage tonight simply to understand more about it. Stage presence, which is similar to the presence I have read about, and crowd interaction.
The stage is another form of communication, and since I am in the business, it would be beneficial to see how the process goes, and learn from the failures and successes.
However, I have no expectations. Having no ambitions is good for me and contrary to the belief that this will diminish drive, I am now free to focus my energy on one task at a time. This focus is more effective than constantly longing for a goal and giving myself cancer over it.
Lots of people say they want peace, and then they complain about other people or things in their environment or unfulfilled desires - eliminating any possibility of peace.
It would be much more effective to do something about it. Just be still, and move. And with each motion, the universe moves with you.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Chakram Shooter!
Some people label me a pussy. I would have been disturbed if it was the me a few years ago. When I was fueled by rage and hate.
Some believe in retaliation, in reaction. In how one looks while working. I find this to be primitive and hardly effective.
Since I'm the old man now, I can speak from experience that doing things while pretending to be a headless chicken and handling it calmly achieves the same goals, but a calm approach leaves less flaws.
I can also say that emotion is not important. In fact, it is a distraction stemming from the ego. What you feel or what you think does not change anything. Your decisions and your actions do, so focus on that.
I spent years feeling. All that time, wasted, when I could have done more. So none of that. It IS a marathon, not a sprint. Reactions usually just make things worse.
So call me a pussy. I can scream and yell and say "No! I'm a dick", and none of these would change anything. Nothing changes the truth, which is neither good nor bad. The truth is beyond labels.
Sun Tzu said, "Sit on the riverbanks long enough, and you will see the bodies of your enemies floating by."
Without moving, without reacting, in stillness I am at peace as the world turns. Heaven and earth great shift!
Some believe in retaliation, in reaction. In how one looks while working. I find this to be primitive and hardly effective.
Since I'm the old man now, I can speak from experience that doing things while pretending to be a headless chicken and handling it calmly achieves the same goals, but a calm approach leaves less flaws.
I can also say that emotion is not important. In fact, it is a distraction stemming from the ego. What you feel or what you think does not change anything. Your decisions and your actions do, so focus on that.
I spent years feeling. All that time, wasted, when I could have done more. So none of that. It IS a marathon, not a sprint. Reactions usually just make things worse.
So call me a pussy. I can scream and yell and say "No! I'm a dick", and none of these would change anything. Nothing changes the truth, which is neither good nor bad. The truth is beyond labels.
Sun Tzu said, "Sit on the riverbanks long enough, and you will see the bodies of your enemies floating by."
Without moving, without reacting, in stillness I am at peace as the world turns. Heaven and earth great shift!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Saya Sebatang Pensel ++
I went for a rehearsal today, for this thing I'm doing on March 17. I'll be on stage for StoryFest or something at PJ Live Arts.
Here are the actual details:
Directed by Pang Khee Taik, the thing I'm on takes some of those essay questions we faced as young kids like, the autobiographical 'Saya Sebatang Pensel' or 'If I'm a Billionaire...' and revisit it with adult themes.
I chose 'Cita-cita Saya' and what started out as a lame autobiographical whatever is now replaced with my anecdotes on just one ambition I had.
Tested my delivery, and I suck. Need to work on it somewhat. I got a few days. We'll see.
I've never been on stage like this before so this will be a new experience. Pang spoke about presence, which reminds me of the shit I've been reading the past few years.
Being on stage is a bit more complicated than I expected, and I would need to work on voice as well as energy projection, also to revisit some characters I have done before.
The thing is, whenever these artsy people ask me to do anything, they always expect something like I've done before. Meanwhile, I usually discard any voice or character I have used before, because I am bored with it and would want to explore new things, usually starting with a very bland base.
If I've learned anything, though, is that fuck everything and go for something that will work.
I chose racism as part of the theme and am planning a presentation of sorts. I already rewrote my piece and thanks to Liayan Dizzy and Elza's pieces, as well as Pang's keen insight, I have some ideas as to improving the performance and delivery.
Click here for more info and to buy tickets. It's RM40 for early birds and RM45 at the door. RM35 for LIVE card members. It's pretty limited - we're not expecting huge crowds - and the show will be a bit more intimate. If Thai hookers are there, even more so.
Here are the actual details:
Directed by Pang Khee Taik, the thing I'm on takes some of those essay questions we faced as young kids like, the autobiographical 'Saya Sebatang Pensel' or 'If I'm a Billionaire...' and revisit it with adult themes.
I chose 'Cita-cita Saya' and what started out as a lame autobiographical whatever is now replaced with my anecdotes on just one ambition I had.
Tested my delivery, and I suck. Need to work on it somewhat. I got a few days. We'll see.
I've never been on stage like this before so this will be a new experience. Pang spoke about presence, which reminds me of the shit I've been reading the past few years.
Being on stage is a bit more complicated than I expected, and I would need to work on voice as well as energy projection, also to revisit some characters I have done before.
The thing is, whenever these artsy people ask me to do anything, they always expect something like I've done before. Meanwhile, I usually discard any voice or character I have used before, because I am bored with it and would want to explore new things, usually starting with a very bland base.
If I've learned anything, though, is that fuck everything and go for something that will work.
I chose racism as part of the theme and am planning a presentation of sorts. I already rewrote my piece and thanks to Liayan Dizzy and Elza's pieces, as well as Pang's keen insight, I have some ideas as to improving the performance and delivery.
Click here for more info and to buy tickets. It's RM40 for early birds and RM45 at the door. RM35 for LIVE card members. It's pretty limited - we're not expecting huge crowds - and the show will be a bit more intimate. If Thai hookers are there, even more so.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Notes on the Run
I cut my shenanigans early tonight. Tomorrow, I will be in Melaka for another roadshow.
I am spending the last part of February and the whole of March travelling every weekend to all locales of ABPBH. I am using this opportunity to familiarise myself with cameras as well as what is the backbone of social media campaigns, for any event.
I do not mind hard work, as long as it makes sense. I also consider everything an opportunity to train. Already, I have a few techniques for shooting I want to try out, and this is the best time to do so.
Learning is a lifelong thing. When you stop acquiring new knowledge or skill, you die. I am also observing how long I can stand some exertions and will present the results later.
It has taken all my training and patience to do everything. I am extremely impatient, so a situation which requires a cultivation of patience and waiting is the perfect training ground.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some projects I need to complete.
I am spending the last part of February and the whole of March travelling every weekend to all locales of ABPBH. I am using this opportunity to familiarise myself with cameras as well as what is the backbone of social media campaigns, for any event.
I do not mind hard work, as long as it makes sense. I also consider everything an opportunity to train. Already, I have a few techniques for shooting I want to try out, and this is the best time to do so.
Learning is a lifelong thing. When you stop acquiring new knowledge or skill, you die. I am also observing how long I can stand some exertions and will present the results later.
It has taken all my training and patience to do everything. I am extremely impatient, so a situation which requires a cultivation of patience and waiting is the perfect training ground.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some projects I need to complete.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
House of M: Executioner's Song
I believe that all media companies should make a transition to putting forth their content on new media. I believe that the days of selling dead trees are nearing its end. It will not die off so quickly, but eventually it will be there.
Then again, if media companies don't do so, it could be good for me and many others. More so for others.
You see, if new media companies do not learn that they either have to change or die, they will die. In their death, the information vacuum will be filled by new media warlords. A shift of power will happen and as Bob Dylan said in his song The Times They Are A-Changin', 'those who are first now will be last'.
Those on top of social media will reap the benefits. The effect is total. Already, young artistes who are new media savvy are making their mark without the intervention or input from the old giants, the old stalwarts.
People can now see and listen to the new single of singers on YouTube, they can watch movie trailers everywhere online. Print a gossip in the pages of a newspaper, and you may get angry, but have it on the forums and Twitter, and people panic.
Print is dying at an alarming rate. But not fast enough for some people. One day, the social media warlords will realise this, and they will rise, as a single unified voice of chaos. Powered by their reach of millions, old media will finally be on its knees.
As a content producer, in various formats, I am not at all concerned with the impending shift. In fact, I welcome it, because I believe that content is needed anywhere, anytime. There will always be a job for a writer. Often times, it is shitty and encompasses many more things than just writing, but content is still king.
This was not so a few years ago. Almost everyone who was anyone was producing content. Now that they have a taste of what it entails to produce content on a consistent basis, they will appreciate content more. There is a better appreciation for good writing, good videos, good editing, good music. We are heading, slowly, towards a more educated society.
Media companies need to realise that they sell content, not the medium on which the content is presented to the public. You are not selling dead trees or pixels. You're selling communication and information.
Until the media companies realise this, they are useless. Dinosaurs waiting for the slaughter. Waiting for extinction.
I will not be so arrogant as to say how and when, but it is coming, and may God have mercy on man and machine.
Then again, if media companies don't do so, it could be good for me and many others. More so for others.
You see, if new media companies do not learn that they either have to change or die, they will die. In their death, the information vacuum will be filled by new media warlords. A shift of power will happen and as Bob Dylan said in his song The Times They Are A-Changin', 'those who are first now will be last'.
Those on top of social media will reap the benefits. The effect is total. Already, young artistes who are new media savvy are making their mark without the intervention or input from the old giants, the old stalwarts.
People can now see and listen to the new single of singers on YouTube, they can watch movie trailers everywhere online. Print a gossip in the pages of a newspaper, and you may get angry, but have it on the forums and Twitter, and people panic.
Print is dying at an alarming rate. But not fast enough for some people. One day, the social media warlords will realise this, and they will rise, as a single unified voice of chaos. Powered by their reach of millions, old media will finally be on its knees.
As a content producer, in various formats, I am not at all concerned with the impending shift. In fact, I welcome it, because I believe that content is needed anywhere, anytime. There will always be a job for a writer. Often times, it is shitty and encompasses many more things than just writing, but content is still king.
This was not so a few years ago. Almost everyone who was anyone was producing content. Now that they have a taste of what it entails to produce content on a consistent basis, they will appreciate content more. There is a better appreciation for good writing, good videos, good editing, good music. We are heading, slowly, towards a more educated society.
Media companies need to realise that they sell content, not the medium on which the content is presented to the public. You are not selling dead trees or pixels. You're selling communication and information.
Until the media companies realise this, they are useless. Dinosaurs waiting for the slaughter. Waiting for extinction.
I will not be so arrogant as to say how and when, but it is coming, and may God have mercy on man and machine.
Previously, On Amir Hafizi
It is my birthday today. 8 March. International Women's Day. Celebrated with a quiet dinner with my sister. A steak dinner, so that was good.
I'm 32 today. Too old to believe in anything and too young to be set in my ways. Just like last year, and the year before.
Over the course of three decades, I have come to a state where I really don't give a shit about anything, except work.
My first allegiance is to the work. The craft. It is my work that has fed me, clothed me, got me everywhere I ever wanted to go. My loyalty, my religion, is my work.
I have achieved everything I ever wanted to achieve before I'm 30. I thank those who helped me in my way, and I thank myself. I no longer have any ambition. Just one goal - retirement. To be able to afford to retire, ending my cycle of work.
I don't want to be 50 and work like I do today. My body will get older, and pretty soon, even my mind will deteriorate. I hope I die before that sets in.
Anyway, let's take stock. At this time last year, I just left The Malay Mail. I let go of my position and a steady salary to freelance. I was thinking of directing, but sensed that my skills were not enough.
Within a year, I managed to get a job, and get my hands on some professional-level cameras. I used the 5D Mark II, an HDV Cam and a Sony DV Cam. I learned rudimentary video editing on the job, and got myself involved with social media campaigns.
Spiritually, I have managed to deal with my anger issues somewhat, though monkeys and apes continue to taunt and try and make me a monkey like them again. What can you do? They're monkeys.
I finally bought a big-screen monitor, a speaker, a fridge, a water dispenser, rice cooker and a few other kitchen things.
I quit smoking twice in the past year, and picked up the habit again.
This job - I started it thinking I will do two or three stories a day and then fuck off. Recent developments have propelled me to take a more active role. And all I wanted was a quiet job with no responsibilities at an insignificant corner of a big, stable company to weather the economic storm.
I realise now that I can't do that. Tried that at The Malay Mail, where all I had to do was do some shit, pick up a cheque at the end of the month and shut my mouth.
I hung my cape around a year ago. No longer a superhero, but as always, I try to save people even though no one wants to be rescued or helped. Ohhhh, pathos. Blablabla.
People still think I'm stupid and do unbelievably condescending things, but that no longer bother me. I no longer feel the need to destroy their lives in order to prove my intelligence. I understand now that bitter, negative people live bitter, negative lives. That IS the punishment and nothing in this world or the next can ever make them happy. That is a much crueler situation than anything I can ever think of.
I waste less and less time worrying about idiots and more time and thought on my own endeavours. I will be on stage in a week, and then perhaps complete my novel. I have a movie to do, and several synopsis to write and hawk around. There's also a comic book project I am doing.
I have been invited to do seminars and also is a consultant for some content projects.
I also was in a relationship and ended it a few months ago.
We shall see what happens by this time next year.
Cheerio!
I'm 32 today. Too old to believe in anything and too young to be set in my ways. Just like last year, and the year before.
Over the course of three decades, I have come to a state where I really don't give a shit about anything, except work.
My first allegiance is to the work. The craft. It is my work that has fed me, clothed me, got me everywhere I ever wanted to go. My loyalty, my religion, is my work.
I have achieved everything I ever wanted to achieve before I'm 30. I thank those who helped me in my way, and I thank myself. I no longer have any ambition. Just one goal - retirement. To be able to afford to retire, ending my cycle of work.
I don't want to be 50 and work like I do today. My body will get older, and pretty soon, even my mind will deteriorate. I hope I die before that sets in.
Anyway, let's take stock. At this time last year, I just left The Malay Mail. I let go of my position and a steady salary to freelance. I was thinking of directing, but sensed that my skills were not enough.
Within a year, I managed to get a job, and get my hands on some professional-level cameras. I used the 5D Mark II, an HDV Cam and a Sony DV Cam. I learned rudimentary video editing on the job, and got myself involved with social media campaigns.
Spiritually, I have managed to deal with my anger issues somewhat, though monkeys and apes continue to taunt and try and make me a monkey like them again. What can you do? They're monkeys.
I finally bought a big-screen monitor, a speaker, a fridge, a water dispenser, rice cooker and a few other kitchen things.
I quit smoking twice in the past year, and picked up the habit again.
This job - I started it thinking I will do two or three stories a day and then fuck off. Recent developments have propelled me to take a more active role. And all I wanted was a quiet job with no responsibilities at an insignificant corner of a big, stable company to weather the economic storm.
I realise now that I can't do that. Tried that at The Malay Mail, where all I had to do was do some shit, pick up a cheque at the end of the month and shut my mouth.
I hung my cape around a year ago. No longer a superhero, but as always, I try to save people even though no one wants to be rescued or helped. Ohhhh, pathos. Blablabla.
People still think I'm stupid and do unbelievably condescending things, but that no longer bother me. I no longer feel the need to destroy their lives in order to prove my intelligence. I understand now that bitter, negative people live bitter, negative lives. That IS the punishment and nothing in this world or the next can ever make them happy. That is a much crueler situation than anything I can ever think of.
I waste less and less time worrying about idiots and more time and thought on my own endeavours. I will be on stage in a week, and then perhaps complete my novel. I have a movie to do, and several synopsis to write and hawk around. There's also a comic book project I am doing.
I have been invited to do seminars and also is a consultant for some content projects.
I also was in a relationship and ended it a few months ago.
We shall see what happens by this time next year.
Cheerio!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Let's Go, Let's Go Chopping!
Wooo boy!
My brain just got expanded with this new 21.5 inch monitor. It is now at 1920x1080 and I feel free, with more computer real estate available to me. Previously, I was using an 11-year-old 15 inch LCD screen. This is a Phillips LED screen. Honestly? I can't even tell the difference between LCD and LED. The LED seems brighter. I think.
This purchase started with my speaker dying last night. I was pissed cause I just bought the Logitech a few months ago. I returned it to Harvey Norman - Harvey Norman customer service at Ikano Power Centre is the best in the world! - and then went up to get me a cheap SonicGear 2.1 speaker.
Though there is a price difference, I can safely say I can't hear the difference between a RM129 Logitech and a RM95 SonicGear. A RM95 SonicGear and a RM699 Logitech? Sure. But fuck me if I'm spending 700 bucks on a speaker system. If I'm really rich, I'd spend RM200,000 on my sound system.
Since I'm not rich, I bought the RM95 SonicGear which has none of that stupid small controller shit. I hate that thing cause it screws up the wiring and gets tangled everywhere.
After buying the speaker, I thought, if they die on me, I could still do work. But if my monitor dies on me the third time, I'm fucked. So I got the cheapest one they had, at 21.5 inches.
And then, I bought a new pair of sneakers. I am working like crazy during the month of March and the last road tour I went to, the skin on my feet got torn off because the padding on my sneakers have worn out. So this new pair will last me for the next few months, at least.
Brand? Bata, of course. The beauty of Bata is: I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit about the shoes. They are a tool for whatever I want them to be. And I don't have to take care of it. Which is just the way I like it.
So, even though today was an off day, I ended up going to the office and then shopping for stuff I would need to do my job properly.
My brain just got expanded with this new 21.5 inch monitor. It is now at 1920x1080 and I feel free, with more computer real estate available to me. Previously, I was using an 11-year-old 15 inch LCD screen. This is a Phillips LED screen. Honestly? I can't even tell the difference between LCD and LED. The LED seems brighter. I think.
This purchase started with my speaker dying last night. I was pissed cause I just bought the Logitech a few months ago. I returned it to Harvey Norman - Harvey Norman customer service at Ikano Power Centre is the best in the world! - and then went up to get me a cheap SonicGear 2.1 speaker.
Though there is a price difference, I can safely say I can't hear the difference between a RM129 Logitech and a RM95 SonicGear. A RM95 SonicGear and a RM699 Logitech? Sure. But fuck me if I'm spending 700 bucks on a speaker system. If I'm really rich, I'd spend RM200,000 on my sound system.
Since I'm not rich, I bought the RM95 SonicGear which has none of that stupid small controller shit. I hate that thing cause it screws up the wiring and gets tangled everywhere.
After buying the speaker, I thought, if they die on me, I could still do work. But if my monitor dies on me the third time, I'm fucked. So I got the cheapest one they had, at 21.5 inches.
And then, I bought a new pair of sneakers. I am working like crazy during the month of March and the last road tour I went to, the skin on my feet got torn off because the padding on my sneakers have worn out. So this new pair will last me for the next few months, at least.
Brand? Bata, of course. The beauty of Bata is: I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit about the shoes. They are a tool for whatever I want them to be. And I don't have to take care of it. Which is just the way I like it.
So, even though today was an off day, I ended up going to the office and then shopping for stuff I would need to do my job properly.
The Malay Male On Stage
I, Amir Hafizi, Lord of Destruction, will be on stage to talk about really conceptual, high-art sophisticated stuff which is also a coming-of-age saga that spans a few geological ages.
This is a story, 65 million years in the making.
The Malay Mobile
So I went to Kuantan for ABPBH and worked for four days straight, over the weekend. Fortunately, the nights were all mine.
I met with my brother, and we started planning and research for a car. I am interested in getting one that can save money on cab fares and gives me the least headache.
Several makes and models of cars have been tossed around. If I want to do this, I need to get all fucking serious and shit when the ABPBH road tours end.
I'm thinking of buying either the Proton Saga or get a used car and convert it to an NGV. Or get it drawn by horses.
Here's a sneak peek:
Vrrrooom!
I met with my brother, and we started planning and research for a car. I am interested in getting one that can save money on cab fares and gives me the least headache.
Several makes and models of cars have been tossed around. If I want to do this, I need to get all fucking serious and shit when the ABPBH road tours end.
I'm thinking of buying either the Proton Saga or get a used car and convert it to an NGV. Or get it drawn by horses.
Here's a sneak peek:
Vrrrooom!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Hell's Gate
Off to Kuantan today. Soon. Not to see the family, but for work.
If I die, please let everyone get this message: "Fuck off and die. See you in hell."
If I die, please let everyone get this message: "Fuck off and die. See you in hell."
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Forgiveness
I heard a song at a mamak stall, and for some reason, it got stuck in my head. I decided to Google the chorus and here's what I get:
This is Aku Maafkan Kamu, by Jamal Abdillah and Malique - the former one-half of Too Phat.
I like the song. I really like it, until I read its lyrics which is tainted by bitterness that is not funny like Eminem. Em's rage, his anger, all of it, is encapsulated and infused with a healthy dose of comedy. His hatred and anger is ultimately comedy because it is so over the top.
This song, though, is righteous. It's about being right, which is a disappointment because I really like everything about it. The attempt at classic/classy verse, the arrangement, everything.
I believe that if you really forgive and let go, nothing would matter. You can finally see the big picture that everything that is done, said and that everyone - is just part of a whole and it all doesn't mean anything.
You understand this, accept it, and you go on doing what you need to do. And do it well.
Yeah, I guess if I can take my beliefs, my world view and my other shit out of the equation, I can truly enjoy it. Because it is a good song.
This is Aku Maafkan Kamu, by Jamal Abdillah and Malique - the former one-half of Too Phat.
I like the song. I really like it, until I read its lyrics which is tainted by bitterness that is not funny like Eminem. Em's rage, his anger, all of it, is encapsulated and infused with a healthy dose of comedy. His hatred and anger is ultimately comedy because it is so over the top.
This song, though, is righteous. It's about being right, which is a disappointment because I really like everything about it. The attempt at classic/classy verse, the arrangement, everything.
I believe that if you really forgive and let go, nothing would matter. You can finally see the big picture that everything that is done, said and that everyone - is just part of a whole and it all doesn't mean anything.
You understand this, accept it, and you go on doing what you need to do. And do it well.
Yeah, I guess if I can take my beliefs, my world view and my other shit out of the equation, I can truly enjoy it. Because it is a good song.
Notice
It's 8am. Been up since 7. I woke up at 3am, but realised that I couldn't edit the second video as I passed my portable hard drive to the office. Hahaha.
Guess I'll just have to edit it at the office today.
I'll be going to Kuantan tomorrow, but I won't have time to go see my family. I'll be there to work.
Lots of things to sort out. And off I go.
Guess I'll just have to edit it at the office today.
I'll be going to Kuantan tomorrow, but I won't have time to go see my family. I'll be there to work.
Lots of things to sort out. And off I go.
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