Hey, I decided to do a short movie. After figuring out that if I didn’t care about quality, I can do it for (40 kg of) peanuts, as well as some suckers, I mean, artisans - ARTISANS, foo! - who would do a gay scene in the name of ‘art’, I decided to do it.
Actually, it all started a few weeks ago when some of my friends and a Knight of Bukkake member, Earl of Cunt, wanted to do a movie for the BMW shorts.
The theme was ‘Water’ or ‘flow’ or ‘water flows’ or some other retarded artsy fartsy shit. They had a story which is, to the best of my knowledge, lame.
So I came up with an even lamer story for the competition entitled ‘Pancut’ (trans: Ejaculate). Geddit? Water? Air? Air mani? Semen? Hehehehehehehe.
Everything went extremely bad with the creative direction of that one and the guys ended up with no movie at all.
So I decided tonight, after waiting for some people to read my pitch for a full-feature movie I want to make and win the Academy Awards, that I need to create something fast, or I’ll start destroying cities.
Idle hands are my playthings. Idle minds turn to porn.
So I called up a friend and asked him, “Would you do a gay scene with Sunder, you fucking fag? Cause I need a gay scene to make it intellectual and shit.” And he was like, “All in the name of art!”
I nearly barfed, but that was the missing piece. I called up some friends and asked for the deadline of the BMW shorts, hoping that it’s June or July or something.
They said that it was three hours away.
I was like, “Fuck.”
But I’m gonna go through with it anyway. I mean, I made my decision already.
So this short movie, Pancut, will not enter this year’s BMW short movie shit. And I don’t think it’s suitable for Astro Kirana Short Film Awards cause it’s gonna have controversial elements like a fag and shit.
It might go for MVA, but who gives a shit? I’m gonna make a short movie, come hell or high water. And for peanuts, too. And the shooting schedule all fits in a weekend. Actually, we can do it in one night.
Pancut will be produced, directed and written by me. Starring me and some gay guys.
I’m gonna write the script now, but first, I’ll give you a written trailer of the short movie.
Yeah, that’s right. This movie is so fucking hardcore, the trailer doesn’t even have any visuals.
CAPTION: This trailer is recommended for no one.
BREATHY VOICE-OVER: THIS IS A SHORT FILM 65 MILLION MICROSECONDS IN THE MAKING.
BVO: IN A LAND WHERE MASSAGE PARLOURS RULE THE WORLD, FOUR FRIENDS EMBARK ON A JOURNEY OF THEIR LIVES.
AMIR: I NEED TO EJACULATE!
BVO: AMIR HAFIZI, THE GREATEST THERE WAS, THE GREATEST THERE IS AND THE GREATEST HETEROSEXUAL MAN THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!
FAG1: WHOA HIGH ART!
BVO: FAG NUMBER ONE.
FAG2: KAFKA-ESQUE! MONET! MANET! AYN-RAYND! PABLO…AIMAR!
BVO: FAG NUMBER TWO.
FAG3: BETTER THAN A STILL SHOT WITH A CHINAMAN IN PAGODA SHIRT FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!
BVO: AND FAG NUMBER THREE.
BVO: FROM THE MAKERS OF NOTHING, CUMS A CUMMING OF AGE TALE LIKE NEVER BEFORE.
BVO: IT’S A STORY OF WAR, BETRAYAL, (GAY) LOVE*, ASTEROIDS, VOLCANOES, KILLER ASTRONAUTS, PREGNANT KIDS, DRAGONS…AND ZOMBIES.
• Amir Hafizi will not be in any gay scenes cause he’s heterosexual and proud of it.
BVO: CUMMING TO YOU THIS SUMMER – PANCUT – THE GREATEST SHORT MOVIE EVER MADE. SORRY. THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.