Some idiots say that until you’re 40, you’re preparing to live. And that after you hit 40, you’re preparing to die.
Well, I have been preparing for my death since I was 23. A few weeks ago, I celebrated my 28th birthday. That means that it’s been five years that I’ve been preparing for my passing from this world.
But of course, I have no idea how I will die. Or what the circumstances would be like. That did not stop me from imagining how it would be like. Here’s a selection of how I could go, never quietly into the night.
1. Super
- It starts with me getting it on with the Thai-Japanese daughter of a Japanese conglomerate. A fucking bastard heiress.
I marry the bitch, and her grandfather, the patriach of one of the biggest companies in the world gives me control over the biggest corporate entity in human history worth well over 2.3 trillion dollars.
He doesn’t trust any of his children, so he gave it to me, under protest from his family, cause the Thai-Japanese chick is a bastard and shit.
I take control of the company and make it extremely profitable and get it to research shit like cold fusion and wormholes and teleportation and whatever shit.
Then, after 5 years, I leave the company, giving its controls back to the family.
“I already have the most valuable thing from this family,” I would say, while fucking the Thai-Japanese girl in the ass during a Press conference.
Then, some Malaysian politicians, probably PIS-M fuckers, hire a sniper and kill the bitch.
Then I’d go all crazy and grow wings and horns and a 30-inch dick and shit. My hair turns white and I Kame-Hame-Ha the sniper bastard.
The Devil would come and try to tempt me. I go and Pedigree the motherfucker. And shove a red hot poker up its ass. The devil went away crying like some bitch.
Then, after some emo shit at the bitch’s grave, I go after the PIS-M fuckers.
I would capture them, and devolve the fuckers into water-breathing amphibians, and keep them in a glass bowl in Times Square.
Their punishment is to realize that they’ve become juvenile salamanders…thing…axioatl? Whatever. Amphibians, when they were once human.
And then, I’d capture all their family members, put them in cages and slaughter them in front of the PIS-M fuckers.
Then I’d just take over the world and kill lots of people.
After I get bored with all the shit, I would fly to space and go supernova and blow up the earth.
The sun was in my eyes, so I ripped another asshole for the sun, causing it to collapse like sumbitch gay fag and become a huge black asshole.
Then I would take the Milky Way and shove it up the ass of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Then, bored out of hell, I explode, cancelling the Big Bang and taking the rest of this crappy ass Universe with me.
2. Real
- I get holed up with Christian Amanpour and Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali and Bill Maher and Chris Rock and Jessica Alba and Natalie Portman in some war-torn African country.
- The rebels and the army are coming, and we’re stuck between them.
- So I give my last message to the world through a live broadcast via CNN.
- I’d say, “I have it all. Millions of dollars, a Japanese-Thai girlfriend, and the third season DVD of Boston Legal. And I traded all of that for this one moment. I’m not doing this for the starving children or whatever shit. I am doing this for me. For all mankind (that matters. Which is just me.).”
- After that, a brief porn production – my last – which is a sandwich with Alba and Portman while Amanpour, Rock, Maher, Ghali and the cameraman sit in a fetal position in the corner, crying like babies.
- Then I’d go out as the tanks and Strykers come, with a Samurai sword the size of a telephone pole, to represent my dick.
- It will be one man versus a hundred thousand. Down to the last ten thousand, I lose my sword, so I begin to beat people up using my raging hard-on.
- Finally, spent, the US drops a nuclear bomb on me. And I die.
3. Apocalypse
- I am the last man on earth. Ellen Paige is sucking my dick.
- Outside my house, vampires started coming.
- I turn on the computer and watch South Park one last time while sitting on Eva Longoria, with Ellen Paige sucking my dick, Natalie Portman feeding me a Philly Cheesesteak with her mouth and Jessica Alba feeding me milk from her hooters.
- My left hand is finger-fucking Maria Ozawa and my right hand is holding a big ass red switch.
- The vampires come. I push the button.
4. Depression
- I lie in bed, ridden with cancer.
- My lungs have 30 seconds in them, give or take a few minutes.
- I take the shotgun and turn it to my face.
5. Decepticons
- Giant robots come to earth.
- I take Michael Bay and shove it up Optimus Prime’s ass. Again and again.
- Optimus Prime got ass-raped by Michael Bay.
- Oh, wait, this was the Transformers movie.
- And where the fuck is Soundwave?
Man, talk about megalomania. Or Vijay Khan.
