This weekend, I will finish another version of a synopsis for a story I'm working on. The one I'm having trouble with - the romance tale.
While I am always insecure about my writing - keeps me on my toes, even while being a needy bitch - having the full freedom to write anything I want is a challenge, as well as doing romance - something I have no interest in either in real life or in creative projects.
In fact, 10 years ago, I decided to experience the one thing I never had - romantic love and all that comes with it. Rejection, jealousy, elation, etc. I was convinced that these experiences would be necessary for me to become a better writer.
Looking back, 10 years later, I can safely say I was fooling myself. That was not and is not me. In truth, I don't care about romantic love. This is not a justification or an attempt to be a cool, out-of-reach personality. This is the truth.
While I do care about our fate as a species and reserve a soft-spot for poor people in rural areas, I have also trained myself not to care about what other people think of me up to a point where I discovered a kind of serenity that comes with letting go of the mating instinct.
Sexual drive and desire can be separate from romance. In fact, by purely focusing on technique, I believe a better result can be experienced by all involved.
The same can be said of the romance I am writing. I have enough experience to make it work, mechanically, but it would not be my story.
My take on romance is that it is extremely rare, and perhaps does not exist. Like Big Foot. It's like finding the G-Spot or female ejaculation.
The thing is, I often fail to connect with humans either on an intellectual, spiritual, emotional or physical level.
Anyway, here's one of the lists I kept for a long time, until I decided to let go:
1. The girl must be smarter than me.
Since I am the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century, I accept the fact that there is no one in this century who is my intellectual equal.
However, being smart does not just mean IQ. Someone with a high EQ or wise enough could be smarter than me.
Unfortunately, no one is. O, lament!
2. The girl must be, at her core, a good person.
There are many definitions of what 'good' is. Using my Soul's Eye, I can determine whether someone is good or evil.
My mind is permanently tuned to the darkness in the hearts of humans. I embody all the evil, pettiness and insecurities possible in all humans, so I understand all of that in other people. It is extremely rare to find someone who is free from all this, as everyone is flawed.
3. Physical attributes
I do not care for big tits.
Smell is very important. I trust nature has given humans the olfactory senses to sniff out good genes. Most women smell of Nivea body milk or other chemicals. Poor women (and men) smell of Softlan. I can distinguish the smells of around a dozen shampoos and perfumes (Clairol Herbal Essence, Tresemme[which I use], Rejoice), evaluating her financial stability, taste or even medical condition.
For example, if a girl smells of Sastid, she probably suffers from skin condition, maybe ringworms (kurap) or shingles (kurap. Herpes).
I am turned off by Poppinjay soap smell because that's what my mother and her friends used when I was a child.
Some women also smell of milk or talcum powder. These are usually mothers or are in the vicinity of children/babies. Not good.
Some girls smell of bak kut teh or fried chicken. No comment.
Some women mix oils to make their own perfumes/body spray/body oils. Vanilla is good, while those preferring a tangy citrus scent belies their problems with BO.
I myself suffered from BO as a child and teen, so when I discovered Thai sex workers have no smell, I was and am quite impressed.
I am emotionally unstable, prone to mood swings due to my heightened intellect. So if the girl is emotional as well, we would have a bad time. Unfortunately, a lot of women are emotional and those who aren't are also quite normally no fun.
Some men manipulate and take advantage of a woman's emotional instability to get everything - sex, money, a sense of superiority to mask their many deficiencies. I have no such intentions because I believe these things to be primitive.
Some girls also tried to manipulate me. I do to them what I do to people who tried to lie or manipulate me - I killed them all and buried their bodies somewhere in Lake Garden.
The basis for any relationship is trust. Since I do not trust anyone, I can never have any relationship.
I believe that deep down inside, humans are evil, selfish and scared. This is their id. This is the thing that kept our ancestors safe from bigger mammals and reptiles. Entire civilisations and our greatest achievements in society, science and whatever else came from fear and paranoia.
That vestigial instinct of fight or flight when encountering something threatening is sure to make its appearance when girls meet me because I am always a threat.
Nevertheless, I must be able to trust someone to be in any kind of relationship. So far, the only thing that has worked is my tendency to limit my trust to certain things and security levels.
This was my list. An impossible list, which seemed more like an excuse not to open up to any human. But there it is.
Several years ago, I let this list go, in favour of trying to live like a normal person. I found that I didn't like it, and people started to annoy me even more than before.
Humans - not just girls - also have a heightened sense of themselves, immediately thinking I am affected by them. This arrogance, when I have worked so long and so hard to ensure I am not affected by any human - to some degree of success.
I don't care. How many times do I need to repeat this message before it sounds hollow?
In the end, I can sum it up like this - I have never loved anyone other than myself. Now back to work (which I love).