I have been writing - or trying to write - a love story, and I encountered a problem. I don't feel anything anymore.
This short film, for example, used to make me cry. I don't anymore. I just don't care.
Failing to find the rhythm to the love story I'm writing, I fell back on well-known, tried and tested literary conventions. Writing tricks. Structure. I know it will work as a story, but I just don't feel anything. It seems contrived, fake. Shallow.
I reached out to other writers - people I trust - and I find that I was still trying to solve the issue with a workman-like attitude. It's how I have always approached a lot of things - I keep pounding at it until I hack off - from my self - a product that can be good and in some parts possibly great.
But I do not love. And it is not sad.
I look at everything in this world today, and all I see are reviews, lines, how I can describe it in a sentence or how it is impossible to describe - and how to describe that. I be with people, and I judge and gauge what goes on in their minds, what's their motivation, their character arc, their secret fears and what they will end up thinking.
I see beautiful girls and all I can think off is how girls in Thailand are more beautiful. Or how they would have to take their long tresses and wind it up around their necks as they take a shit. Or how they use the world to make it all about them. Or how and what they lie about. People lie. All of them do.
I would come up with a bunch of psychological analysis, some Freudian, others Jungian, because this is really about me and how smart I am. I am so smart, I don't have to lie. This is the lie I tell myself, because lying would make my life easier. I am just too damn arrogant to do so.
Girls like to play games. They want to feel special. All humans do. I find that to be primitive. Base. I believe we should evolve into higher beings.
It is not sad because I am not unhappy. I am content with my life. I know huge changes are coming, as they always do, and I am old enough not to get too excited at possibilities. Just because something can happen doesn't mean it will.
And if nothing happens, I will be as I am, which is fine.
Writing something when you don't feel it is painful. Which is why I am going back to basics. I am going to write this. This thing I just wrote. I am going to put this into the story. About a man who do not and can not love.
But first, some corporate work. These days, I find more life in doing some of these things.