Friday, January 23, 2015

Flu Fighter: Two Crazy Days

So I went for my cardiac stress test yesterday. Previously, I reached level 5 with a METS score of 10.7 which means I can do heavy farming but not deep sea diving. To go for deep sea diving and run really fast, I need to beat level 6.

I went in, and immediately told the doctor and the nurse, "I want to beat level 6 today."

They were like, "Eh?" Cause that's not how it works. But fuck it.

So I went on the thing and they strapped these things to my chest and I beat level 6. Fuck you, level 6.

My METS score is now 13.5. I'm way above average for heart patients and still above average for normal hoo-mans.

I was extremely satisfied with the results and immediately gave myself a blowjob.

It was a good day.

Today, I began to feel sick. My core temperature was rising from morning and I felt a certain dryness in my throat.

The discomfort made me quite pissed off almost the whole day and by night time, I wanted to punch people in the face.

Am not going to the office tomorrow, but will do work at home. I feel sick right now and my nose is runny.

Within these two days, I also begin to get a clearer picture of certain things and certain whatever. And guess what? My instincts are always correct.

I'm so fucking great. Even though I can feel the temperature of my eyeballs, I can safely say I did the right thing and made the right decisions.

Now, if only that physiotherapist would go out with me, when I've recovered from my flu/fever.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Wankathon Hypersigil

Tomorrow I go for a stress test. It's where they hook you up to an EKG thing and make you walk, jog or run on a treadmill.

Come hell or high water, I won't stop until I reach the final level - level 6. Last time I did it, I reached level 5. I thought that was the final level, but nooooo. There's another level. Hope my heart and my leg muscles hold out.

In the gym, I could do 60 minutes cardio on the eliptical, reaching 9km yesterday. Then I usually follow it up with an hour of weight training - usually 100 crunches, bicep curls, tricep whatever and some chest thingies.

My man boobs are all but gone. My stomach does not bulge outward anymore. Well, not that much.

I am also managing my stress better than before the heart attack. I let go of idiots and the stupid things they do, and I put my faith in people who are smart. I don't think I need to correct or show smart people what's what, because if they can't see what I see on top of what they already see, then they are not very smart to begin with. And I don't waste time with idiots.

I don't feel maligned or victimised by life or by other people because I don't allow it to happen. Once you take full responsibility for yourself, there are no excuses and you will do more.

I'm juggling a full time job and two separate businesses. All are coming along well. I wish the physiotherapist would go out on a date with me, but if she doesn't, I'm not gonna cut myself or feel unwanted or sad or whatever.

I feel my age, which is good. I'm 35 years old this year, and I'm too old for the regular retarded bullshit. The devil is in the details, but you can't go wrong looking at a bigger picture.

People get so lost in minutiae sometimes that we forget what's really important - is anything I'm doing making me happy? Am I happy?

The only way to be happy is to stop wanting. To do away with desire, and not in a 'fight desire' mode. Desire would only be managed by acknowledging it and to acknowledge yourself.

Same with ego, as ego is often times defined by our desires. The desire to be accepted, to have a place, to be recognised, to be told that they are loved, that they are okay people.

I find all this pathetic, but I also understand that it is a basic stupid human need.

Choose your battles wisely. Not everything is a do or die situation. I have been in situations where it is literally do or fucking die. As in, funeral die, morgue die. As in you fucking stop breathing or your heart stops beating.

It forces perspective.

All these people, all these games, the politics, the posturing, the lies - they are all worthless. I do what I want to do. I spend my limited time with people I want to spend time with. And fuck all to everything else.

End of the day, I'm still the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Boron (World's Most Boring Man) Ultimatum

This was a weird week.

I started the gym sessions in earnest last week and finally hit my stride this week. Went three times in five days and managed to complete heaps of cardio and reps for my arms, chest and back. Legs I'm putting off till later cause I have some pain in my heels.

Couldn't work at all last Christmas-New Year cause everyone was on leave, so I was catching up on stuff this week. Tons of things to do, which makes me depressed, which is handled after I figure out a plan of action.

I also found several business opportunities and will be bringing them to several people - funders, executors, talents, grunts. I can't do everything myself anymore. Have to cooperate and delegate.

A hot chick approved my request on FB and I'm just the bees' knees.

Anyway, time to sleep! Cheers!

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Five Things You Need to Know About Losing Weight

Recently, I lost almost 20kg in less than four months. That's 44 pounds. I'm 2/3 of my goal to lose 30kg. This is how I did it.

And I did it in the format of a listicle or list-article for your bullshit Gen Y millenial bullshit consumption.

5. Fuck you.

4. Fuck you.

3. Fuck you

2. Fuck you and your preference for list articles. List articles are the worst things to journalism. Aside from... journalists being all holier-than-thou and crapping on the very industry that's feeding them by being asshole freeloaders. But fuck you.

1. Okay. I did not set out to lose weight. Not at all. I was happy the way I was, but then I had a fucking heart attack.

I mean, I knew how to lose weight. Just over two years ago, I lost 17kg in three months by switching to a high fibre diet and exercising almost every day. The first week alone, I lost 6kg. One week, 6kg - so I knew it's easy to lose weight.

As with everything else, as soon as I figured something out, I would lose interest. There are so many other things to explore and discover.

The thing I decided to do was change my lifestyle after the stupid heart attack. The prognosis put me at six months to six years life expectancy.

The data comes from a study done in the US on 1,000 heart patients with an ejection fraction (EF or EVF) below 40%. Normal human is at 60-70%. Cristiano Ronaldo is maybe 80%. Below 40% and you have heart failure. Mine's 41% - barely scraping by.

Now, the thing is, the data is not entirely reliable (thank God I deal with these types of number sets as part of my mind-control business to know the flaws and bullshit of statistics) as:

1. From the 1,000 patients, they could not assign control groups or whatever groups.

You can't set aside 300 people and tell them, "Okay, you guys don't exercise and eat whatever you've been eating that got you to having a heart attack in the first place. And you, the next 300, exercise like crazy and only drink the dews of the leaves of petunias for five years."

These are real people, not lab animals.

2. There is no lifestyle change study

The study did not observe any impact made by lifestyle change. It's just, "oh these 1,000 people had a heart attack, with below 40% EVF and now they're all dead after six years."

3. Everything is a bell-shaped curve

I hate the notion of being special. However, in this case, if I want to survive, I needed to be in the special percentage tier - those who made it, the fuckers who had heart attacks and fucking killed it. It being heart condition, not themselves.

So, I needed to be special. I needed to excel. I fucking hate those motherfuckers who want to be special. But I needed to do this, so excuse my dust.

So I went back to my plan. My BMI was bad, cholesterol was wayyy up and my sodium intake was crazy, for a non-American.

The first three months after being discharged, I went home and did three things - I quit smoking, I began eating healthy and I exercised every fucking day.

Quitting smoking was easy. I just stopped. That's it. All you fuckers who SAY you want to quit but have not quit are fucking delusional pansies. You don't want to quit - that's why you have not quit smoking.

Eating healthy requires a ton of research. I watched over 20 hours of documentaries, mostly from the BBC. Learned about nutrition mostly from Youtube and wikipedia and other websites. I read tons of stuff.

As I gathered the information I need, I asked my sister to set recipes for me. I ate 200gm of lean protein a day, around 300gm of carbs (high fibre) a day, two tablespoons of oil a day, half a teaspoon of salt every fucking day. Drank 3-5 litres of water, daily.

I have a whole list of stuff I don't eat anymore. Coconut oil, palm oil, anything with saturated fat - butter, margarine, ALL fast food, ALL traditional ethnic cuisine from everywhere, ALL kuih, 95% of stuff they serve you at any Mamak restaurant anywhere, 95% of shit they serve you in ANY restaurant.

For example, two nights ago, for a very special occasion, I ate fried rice for the first time in four months.

Losing weight through dieting is very simple. You need to take in less calories than you use. A 100kg man - not woman, man - would use 2200-2500kcal a day. So if you're at 100kg, take 1500-1700kcal a day. If you're at 80kg, find out how many calories you need and take less. Count everything. It's a math question.

Get rid of all the oil. Everything has oil in it, so you don't need to eat any fried food. ANY fried food. Everything must be boiled, steamed, curried, baked, grilled or whatever. If you HAVE to, after four months, sautee that shit. Today I pan-fried some chicken breast and two tablespoons of oil is plenty!

Be disciplined. You're not going to get away with cheating on yourself. That sugary treat with pounds of butter in it? It will get stuck in your heart and you will fucking die. Or it will get stuck in your brain and you'd be a retard.

Exercise was tricky. My heart is partially dead, so I can't exert myself. I started small, walking 2-3km a day, until I can walk for 12km a day. That's 3km one way from my apartment through the cemetery to a part, 6km for one round trip. Do it twice a day and I get 12km.

Went for a stress test at the hospital and was cleared to swim. I swim 20 laps every time, 500-600m, twice to three times a week.

Then I got a job and my exercise time was cut short so I joined a gym near my workplace. I do 60-90 minutes cardio every time, with 45 minutes of weight training and crunches.

Now, my regime is I would go and exercise four times a week - either gym, swimming or walking 12km a day.

All those fuckers who try to dissuade you from doing all this, they're all fuckers. If I had listened to any of the jealous, sabotaging fucktards who tried to stop me from exercising in my '20s, I'd have died when I had my heart attack on Aug 29. I'm still alive simply because my heart was strong enough to weather that first attack, even though 1/3 of it is now dead.

Anyway, the point was not to lose weight. The point was to get healthy. But I lost 19kg so far, and by next week, it should be 20kg. I weigh myself every morning to keep things consistent.

My target is to lose 30kg.

Problems: I had to shop for new clothes even at this midway juncture and by the time I hit 30kg weight loss, I'd have to buy an entirely new wardrobe again.

My motivation is simple - I stop doing this, and I die. Or worse. The last thing I want is a stroke or diabetes.

At the moment, I'm probably at my healthiest since I graduated. Actually, the last time I felt this healthy was when I was 11 years old. And I'm NOT healthy. I have a serious illness that could kill me at any moment. All this, all I'm doing? Might not matter, but I've decided to do it and I'm sticking to it.

I'm just doing all I can to lower my risks. And somehow, I'm way sexier doing it than I ever was - who would have thought that was possible?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Beeelilah, Komik Aku

Aku dah ada kompeni komik - Maple Comics.

Kitorang dah terbitkan Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days. RM25 satu.

Website betul belum siap lagi(estimated Q1 2015 siap), tapi ni ada blog jual komik tu:


Nanti bila dah ada website proper, aku akan iklankan lagi sekali.

Berikut beberapa sample pages Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days:

Good Riddance 2014!

Well, here we are now. 2015. Good riddance to 2014. Fuck off 2014. What a lousy year.

Highlights of 2014 for me were:

1. Had a heart attack on Aug 29.

Almost died, unfortunately didn't. One third of my heart is dead. Life expectancy is usually six months to six years. So, not much time left.

My father had a similar thing, and a similar prognosis. He's still alive after 34-35 years, so I don't know, man.

2. Lost 18kg

Cause of the heart attack, I quit smoking, went on a healthy diet and started exercising almost religiously.

Was possible to do it every day when I was just running my own business, but I accepted a job at The Malaysian Reserve on Dec 1 so I now have less time to go for walks. Solution? I joined a gym.

My workout schedule is 4-6 times a week, either cardio and weight training at the gym, 20 laps at the swimming pool or 6km-12km walks every day.

I now look really handsome and svelte. So much so, most of my old clothes don't fit very well. So I need to go and order another pair of suits once my weight loss reaches a plateau, probably in another 10kg of weight loss.

When I started the gym, my weight went up a bit, and now is going down again. Something to do with building muscle mass.

3. Started a comics company, and then published a comic book

We registered Maple Comics two years ago, but never really pushed it because there was no product.

Now we have one (Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days) that we published (Dec 10) and there are five to seven in development.

This week, we engaged with a professional web developer to do a proper website. The operations will be smooth after that and we could focus on making great comics.

Reception has been good to unbelievable. We sold 25% of the comics in the first week alone and by now it should be 30% hopefully.

Anyway, considering it was a small print run, the numbers are respectable. We hope that when it hits the major bookstores next week, we can score enough sales within the first few weeks to warrant reprints.

If I make enough money from the comic publishing business, I aim to do it full time, somewhere in the future.

4. Quit movies

I retired from writing movies. That's all I wrote. Bye!

The last movie screened was Ribbit.

A few individuals, production companies, and giant media entities tried to get me to write more movies, but I said no to all of them.

I don't see a future for scriptwriters in Malaysian films. The big companies take all the rights and have the gall to say they forked out money, so they own everything. As if the contribution of creative workers alone does not carry any value.

Everything sucks from the administrative bodies, the laws, the filmmakers themselves and the film audience. These three groups - administration, filmmakers, audience - are ontributing to a systemic failure. When you get a blue screen, you reboot.

I hope to watch the Malaysian movie industry burn to the ground, not because of hate or spite, but because it is in a dire need of a reboot. You can't improve the damn thing without starting over.

In the meantime, there is collateral damage. Those who make money to feed their families primarily from an industry that does not support much less reward them will suffer regardless whether the industry chugs along or burns in a fireball.

Oh well. Not my problem.

5. Politics

Up to my heart attack, I was consulting on crisis communications. This is what I do for giant corporations. After the cardiac event, I have decided to only do crisis communications for friends' projects.

Friends as in former bosses and people I respect. I'm easing off it because the giant entities and politicians all have leeches around them who sell them things that don't work - practically bullshit - and those people use lots of not-their-money to pay for it.

I'm the last honest man in Malaysia. Never took a bribe and never will. Well, I would, but it has to be over US$400 million.

A friend who does take money recently questioned my integrity, saying, "If you were offered a project for 5 million and all they want (plus cost) is a RM4.5 million kickback, would you do it?"

"My integrity for half a million? Fuck you."

Seriously, if I want to freeload or embezzle money, it has to be US$400 million minimum. I'm not cheap like these fuckers.

I used to watch these communications' people pushing the narrative on social media and I used to get pissed off cause they're doing it all wrong. Nowadays, I just laugh at them.

In fact, this is my overarching theme - I no longer want to change the world. I just want to laugh at it.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


Today was my last Stage 2 physiotherapy session but the process continues and will not end until I die. Had the session in the morning. I passed all tests and performed better than everyone else, but then again, I'm quite a fit 34-year old among mostly 50-60-year-olds.

Since the heart attack almost four months ago, I have lost 18kg and now look extremely dashing and handsome and sexy. Especially when I wear my suits, all of which had to be altered to accomodate my smaller body.

I started work on Dec 1 at The Malaysian Reserve. The day before, I made a day-trip to Kuantan to see my family. My father was not really present when I told him my prognosis, which is bad. According to statistics, people with my condition usually die within six months to six years, on average.

My time is limited. I don't know how long I have but I firmly believe it is shorter than anyone else's and I would die sooner than I thought.

I can feel it encroaching. I fall asleep, sometimes, when previously I would be roaring with energy. Especially at night. I run out of energy quickly nowadays and I can't power through things by working all night. I totally shut down by 11pm or so and fall asleep at 12 midnight.

The good thing that has come out of this, aside from my weight loss and wholesome good looks, is that I focus on things and people that matter. I love comic books and writing, so I'm doing exactly that. I don't like many people, so I don't associate myself with them, or even talk to the fuckers.

My life is simple and I constantly try to better my odds and reduce my risk by exercising regularly and strictly controlling what I eat. Maybe I can live another 10 or 12 years, or 200, I dunno.

I know that whatever time I have left, I don't want to waste it.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Fitness Bullshit

Today I fought with gyms again.

I have been getting regular exercise almost every day since my heart attack until I started work at my new job.

My new job requires effort and time in plonking myself into the system. Long story, don't have time to whine about that.

Anyway, I decided one way to cope with working again and my lack of exercise is to establish a healthy routine of going to the gym.

I went to Fitness First 1 Mont Kiara which is in the same building/compound as my office. It has the perfect location and even though it was a pricey RM211 a month, Fitness First is touted to be the best gym in Malaysia with no shady deals and top notch facilities. My expectations were a bit high, for a gym.

I went there for a free one-day trial today and found out that 90% of the gym equipment I tried could not read my heart rate. As in, the screen was fucking blank. Since I would fucking die if I exercise beyond a certain heart rate, I needed the fucking heart rate function to be working, which should be a given.

One after another, the fucking machines could not display heart rate. One trainer/salesperson at Fitness First told me, "Oh, it's not accurate anyway." which is not the point.

And getting a separate heart rate monitor at RM2-6K is NOT an option.

The point is, if I pay RM211, I expect your fucking gym equipment to be properly serviced. It is evident that they were not simply because the fucking heart rate thing was not functioning.

I left severely disappointed with Fitness First. I mean, there I was, my wallet hanging out to throw money at them, and they fucked up. They've been fucking up all this while with not servicing their equipment properly. Sure, heart rate monitoring is not vital for everyone, but it is for me, so fuck you Fitness First.

I went down to cool myself off. I was angry as my expectations on their brand was extremely high. Then as I couldn't get a cab, I decided to give True Fitness a try, despite their reputation of being scammy, slimy and riddled with conmen motherfuckers.

To get to True Fitness from 1 Mont Kiara, I had to risk life and limb crossing a road and up some dingy stairs.

Walked to True Fitness and greeted by a con person. I let him do his schtick - I didn't give a fuck at this moment, I just wanted to see if the heart rate functions are working.

I was honestly impressed with the amount of machines True Fitness Desa Sri Hartamas has, and some of them quite new. In fact, they're renovating the men's locker room and supposedly will be finished by Dec 15.

So, I decided to sign up. I decided to lower my expectations since gyms in Malaysia are all con jobs anyway. I had a big fight with Celebrity Fitness last time and I only won after telling the consultant in Indonesia that Bank Negara has to give Celebrity Fitness accreditation before they can function like a bank.

Anyway, True Fitness con person gave me several packages to choose from, licking his lips as I looked at his scribbles. Basically, this was a con job that was totally unnecessary as I already said I am joining.


I also read online that True Fitness doesn't give towels. Apparently, they do at Desa Sri Hartamas, but that's one of ONLY TWO TRUE FITNESS OUTLETS IN ALL OF MALAYSIA THAT HAS TOWEL SERVICE.

After all this, I felt more protective of my money and became reluctant to sign up to this bullshit, but the process has started and they even brought a lawyer type with bad English to explain to me True Fitness' rights just in case I default payment, as if they're a fucking bank. I challenged his knowledge in basic banking laws and he tried to threaten me with CTOS bullshit when I wonder if there is any court in Malaysia would side with gyms if there is a class action lawsuit. There are already FB pages of disgruntled former gym members for every fitness center here. Every brand has their haters. It takes just one crazy pitbull of a lawyer to harness all the anger and bam - fuck off and die.

Every time I complain about their con job, they would go to the counter and bitch about me, while I'm within earshot. However, I was expecting this from True Fitness as reviews online of their attitude and sliminess are quite well-known.

I told the con person after all is said and done that he didn't need to do his cons. That you don't need to lie or con people or be sneaky to get people to buy your shit. I was already impressed that unlike Fitness First 1 Mont Kiara, True Fitness machines' heart rate functions on 80% of their machines I inspected worked perfectly. 20% rosak.

I was impressed with the size of the bloody fucking gym and the fact that they have yoga classes.

Even if the showers are not ready yet, I'm willing to wait.

What turned me off True Fitness was the scheming, slimy, shady bullshit experience of signing up. I felt like I was molested in a dirty back alley somewhere in Mozambique.

Whatever it is, the True Fitness membership is around 40 bucks cheaper than Fitness First. Minus the admin fee, it's just less than 30 bucks cheaper. I'm still reeling from disappointment with Fitness First 1 Mont Kiara.

I liked Fitness First's no-bullshit policy. But they got too arrogant and cocky with their servicing of machines as it was evident the bloody things did not work. My expectations for Fitness First was also unreasonably high. I should have gone in expecting bullshit and failure every step of the way.

I would not recommend True Fitness, Fitness First or Celebrity Fitness to anyone. These gyms all have fuck ups and they are all badly managed. I am only joining one because I truly need the exercise to stay ahead of my heart disease.

I will detail and record any bullshit from True Fitness here and everywhere. Their renovations are supposed to be done on Dec 15 or 17 and I am supposed to get my card by then. Who wants to bet how much and how long True Fitness Desa Sri Hartamas will fuck up? Surprise me.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Dead Man Wanking

So today I started at my new job - I'll be doing the lifestyle pages of The Malaysian Reserve.

My first day was informative, but I do not have all the data. Strange... no matter how old or how new a newspaper setup is, the same characters and tropes are always there.

I'll be easing off my consultancy work as I focus more and more on The Reserve. I hope to train fresh young blood to take over my consulting business and so far I have met with mixed results.

One of my concerns is not work-related, for a change. I wanted to ensure I can stay on a healthy path even after I start working full time. The healthiest things I saw for lunch and dinner at the place were Subway and Nando's. Had lunch at Nando's. Bumped into former colleague Jie Ying Low who has now discarded her future in the creative industry to embrace a more corporate career - as everyone should.

I ate a quarter chicken, but J Low ate half a chicken. I was like, "What the fuck?" but was way too polite to say it out loud or even share that revealing information on the Internet. I thought for dinner, I'd have Subway at home.

However, someone pointed out a small kiosk selling grilled chicken salads at a reasonable price. Bought my dinner there - a grilled chicken, long beans and tomato salad with balsamic vinegar as dressing. Also had some soy sauce or something. Tasted okay, but the tomatoes could have been sliced more.

From now on, as long as the thing is open, I will go and eat at that place.

I made a big deal of telling my parents my prognosis yesterday in Kuantan, my eyes shrink-wrapped in tears and all that shit, but it seems as if life goes on and I'm not dead yet.

Tonight, a secret agent man contacted me to meet at a hotel lobby. I'm going there now.


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Intermission: 81 Days After

It's been roughly 81 days after my heart attack.

I have lost 17kg so far and I continue to lose weight as I rebuild my life and my career.

Big news is I'm taking a full-time job at a newspaper in December. I had to say no to a lot of other projects including offers to direct a movie. However, I'm moving forward with my boutique comics company - Maple Comics - which will publish our first book - Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days by the first week of December.

Am also writing a novella a friend requested for publishing. It is based on a script I keep and used to sell to producers before this. It's called Nuklear.

Funny. Just a month after the heart attack, I was quite depressed. I was living on the last of my savings as I waited for a multi-million dollar project to take off since June. After the heart attack, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it anymore.

The one skill I had that no one else could copy was my willingness to die for my work. I would go and work all day, every day, until I get it done. Now, I'm half dead. After the heart attack, I sleep at 12am - no more all-nighters. I felt like half a man.

Soon, I began to get calls. Old clients, old bosses and friends came about with the usual torrent of jobs and work and projects. There are also new acquaintances with their interesting side projects.

Not long after, I was swamped. Last week, I began snapping at people because there was so much work to do. It's a good sign - snapping at people.

The diet is working. 90% of what I eat, I cook myself. For almost three months, I have measured almost every single thing that goes into my body.

Basically, every day, I eat:

half a teaspoon of salt
two tablespoons of oil
200gm of protein
one or two tomatoes
a carrot
star anise
2/3 cups of brown rice (raw or 8/3 cups of cooked rice) or equivalent carbs

I can't take green leafy vegetables because I'm on Warfarin. I can and should take some, but it's like, two or three lettuce leaves a day.

For breakfast, I usually eat Weet-Bix or have oats.

My snacks are pears, bananas or oats/psyllium husk.

I eliminated all sugar from my diet. My kitchen had absolutely no sugar. This caused a problem as I began feeling lethargic and one point, my blood pressure was a dangerously low 80 over 50. The charming and quite lovely physiotherapist suggested a sweet drink, but reminded me time and again that she is not a doctor.

Nevertheless, I found her advice to be sound. I had absolutely no sugar in my diet for two months, and with my increased activities, I might need the energy.

So I bought cocoa powder - Van Houten - and brown sugar. Now, every day, if I feel a bit low on energy or going for a stressful meeting, I take half a tablespoon of cocoa powder, one tablespoon of sugar and mix them with hot water.

Milo is problematic as it already has sugar as well as fat. Same thing with Vico or any other chocolate drink. They could have shortening or fillers or whatever I don't know about. Cocoa powder is supposed to be 90% pure cocoa, so here's hoping the other 10% isn't rat poison or something.

Actually, the best way is to just take sugar, but that's no fun.

On my cheat days, I eat chappati. Well, I consider eating them cheating because I have no control over what goes into them. I also sometimes take grilled chicken - usually Nando's. I tried Kenny Roger's, but their sides are quite horrendously fatty and unhealthy.

Nando's is okay, if you take away the skin, but again, nothing beats cooking your meals yourself - that's the healthiest option.

I walk every day. Once or twice a dy, depending whether it rains or not in the evening.

One walking session takes me 3km out and 3km back. So each day, I walk between 6-12 km.

When my full time job starts, I would have to adjust my routine. I might have to rely more on purple wheat bread, cook at night for the next day, pack lunches, stock oats at the office or find a healthy restaurant over there.

My walks might not be feasible, but it might do me good to join a gym and work out there every day. All in all, it has been an enjoyable adventure.

My suits don't fit me anymore. I'm waiting till I reach a plateau in my weight loss before making new ones. I can still wear my tailored shirts if I wear something under them, but they still look too big. If I can find the time, I'm sending the suits to a tailor next week to have them altered.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Dead Man Walking: What I Mean When I Talk About Walking

There is a hill just outside the gate to my apartment compound. Every day, when I walk up the hill, I experienced a tightness in my chest. It's not similar to the heart attack pain I had two months ago, more like a soreness I could feel. It's like the heart is informing me, "hey, this part is dead, dude."

I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to get all these people worried and they might try to stop me from walking. I know I need the exercise, with my life expectancy now severely reduced - which I must say is part of the plan anyway. So, no one will stop me from doing at least walking. It's just a small fucking hill anyway - around 200m on a steep incline - and if I did detect any real problems, I'd call a cab and go to the emergency room.

Anyway, for the past few days and especially today, that tightness as I climbed the slope was gone. I feel fine, no pain or soreness or whatever. To celebrate, I walked even further today. Usually I walk between 4-6km in one hour, twice a day, almost every day unless it's raining. On a normal day, that's 8-12km of walking.

I have discovered such things as a war memorial just behind my apartment complex, a pack of stray dogs that constantly bark at and ambush me in the beginning but less so now, an international school, a Chinese school, miles of graveyards, some killer views of KL, a fucking palace, training centers as well as grilled fish places.

Today, I decided to explore a bit more and discovered a fucking park. I was living and walking right next to a park and I never knew it existed!

So I walked in, had a chat with the groundskeepers and walked through the thing. Next time I'm walking, I'll explore the full breadth of the space.

I was also cleared for swimming two days ago, when I did my stress test. My fitness level is 10.7 out of a possible 12. This means I can do most things except deep sea diving, skydiving, mountain climbing and those types of stuff. I can run, swim, and do heavy farming.

So, yesterday I went and swam 20 laps for 500m. It was a great workout and sleep was really good. I'm going swimming again today, if I can squeeze the time, but just to relax. I will only do 20 laps around 3 times a week. Can't overexert myself or I might die.

Walking, though, is something I can do every day.

Since the heart attack two months ago, I have lost 15kg. I am halfway to my goal - losing 30kg. Next week, I will go for cardiac rehab's physiotherapy where I hope to learn some weight training techniques and limitations for heart patients such as myself. I also want to know whether it's safe for me to do crunches.

If I develop my muscles, my weight loss will slow down as I build more healthy mass. But more muscle mass means a faster weight loss in the long run.

I'm not doing this for aesthetic reasons. I'm an ultra-handsome bastard as it is. I need to shed the weight and the fat percentage in order to deal with my disease. Life expectancy is the game. Ejection fraction, METS, blood cholesterol levels are all numbers I need to manage and improve.

Not all my doctors will tell me everything. That pissed me off, but since I have access to loads of data from US-based studies, I am okay for now. I know that I won't live that long, but whatever time I have left, I want it to be on my terms.

So that's why I walk, and keep on walking.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Happy 60th Day Anniversary of Almost Dying

Aku baru habiskan dekat 12 jam kat Pusat Perubatan UM, sempena ulangduabulan aku kena sakit jantung. Pagi tadi, aku pergi cardiac rehab untuk stress test.

Stress test ni dia lekatkan benda kat badan ko pastu dia suruh ko lari atas treadmill, sampai ko takleh lari dah.

Dia ada enam level dan dia bagi markah based on ko punya fitness level. Maximum markah 12. Setiap level bagi ko keupayaan untuk buat sesuatu aktiviti. Contohnya, pada level 12, ko boleh menyelam di laut dalam.

Markah aku ialah 10.7. Ini bermakna aku boleh berlari pantas, berenang (yay!) dan membuat 'heavy farming'. Bila aku tanya 'heavy farming' tu apa (sebab dalam kepala aku, aku fikir macam bawak traktor besar atau harvester yang banyak gigi tu), rupanya, mencangkul dan menggali lubang.

Aku tanya doktor, "Buat apa saya nak gali lubang?" Tapi aku paham, soalan sebegini amat relevan untuk majoriti pengidap sakit jantung yang rata-rata tua dan daripada golongan petani.

Aku direkomen oleh Dr Anees di cardiac rehab untuk menyertai latihan fizikal di gym cardiac rehab - sesuatu yang memang aku nak. Gym dan satu lagi, occupational therapy.

Aku AMAT suka team cardiac rehab aku, sama ada doktor-doktornya, nurse-nurse yang friendly dan jugak ahli-ahli baru dalam team aku - Cik Yasmin (Physiotherapy) dan Cik Siti (Occupational Therapy). Aku rasa diorang amat okay.

Kemudian, selepas lunch, aku pergi check INR level aku. Aku terpaksa menunggu selama lebih enam jam. Sambil-sambil tu, aku maki hamun kat Twitter semua kelemahan sistem kat PPUM terutama selepas mamat yang datang 30 minit SELEPAS aku dapat jumpa doktor dan balik SEJAM sebelum aku. Aku komplen kat admin staff kot, lepas tu dapat muka sindir. Aku fikir seseorang perlu menyusun semula sistem menunggu kat PPUM.

Jumpa je doktor, dia terus macam, "Sorry for the long wait" atau something like that. Aku terus bagitau dia kepincangan sistem tu, dengan peluang menyediakan kemudahan untuk orang naik wheelchair, etc, etc.

Tapi, aku tau dia bukan nak dengar sangat pun, dan aku perlukan dia punya prescription je. Bestnya doktor ni, dia selesaikan dua masalah aku sekali gus. Aku patut test INR aku tetiap minggu, dan cara diorang pastikan ini terjadi ialah dengan hanya bagi aku Warfarin untuk satu minggu. Maksudnya, kalau aku tak pergi test, aku boleh mati terus.

Tapi, doktor ni bagi aku Warfarin dua bulan terus. Aku AMAT gembira. Aku tau aku kena monitor INR aku dan ejas dosage Warfarin. Aku boleh test INR kat luar, dan aku sebenarnya tak perlu ejas dosage warfarin sebab tahap INR aku sekarang tepat pada kadar yang dikehendaki. Maksudnya, kalau aku maintain pemakanan aku tanpa tambah sayur hijau or anything, aku boleh gunakan itu sebagai variable dan dosage Warfarin sebagai constant.

Aku happy balik dengan PPUM - sebenarnya sudah menjadi hospital kegemaran aku. Aku masih rasa sistem menunggu di Klinik Perubatan perlu diperkasakan, sebab kesian nurse dan doktor yang kerja macam orang nak gila, tapi patient masih nak mati tunggu sampai enam jam.

Bukan salah medical staff, dan sepatutnya team yang bukan medical staff patut handle administration dan focus on management and operational workflow issues. Sebagai separa management consultant yang suka memberitahu orang dan kompeni diorang di mana diorang salah, ini memang kerja yang aku buat, biasanya free sebab takde sapa nak bayar budak Melayu paya yang bagitau diorang how much their system sucks.

Anyway, di hujung pengembaraan ke PPUM ni, aku naik teksi dengan cardiology consultant. Mamat ni kaya, sebab seluar dia sahaja dah dalam lingkungan 600 atau seribu. Kemeja dia tak kurang 400. Tie dia kualiti tinggi dan fresh. Mamat yang tie kotor biasanya ada satu atau dua tie sahaja.

Aku borak cerita pasal queue yang cam haram tu. Dia terperanjat sebab biasanya 30 minit je. Aku explain, jadi teruk sebab last week pada hari klinik INR, ada Deepavali. So, untuk minggu tu, double trouble lerrr.

Lepas dia blah, aku dengan drebar teksi je dalam kereta. Drebar teksi tu tanya pasal apa aku borak dengan mamat doktor tu tadi. Aku cerita pasal penyakit aku, etc, etc.

Drebar: Abang sakit jantung? Sakit macam mana tu bang? Kalau abang terperanjat, abang mati ke?

Aku: Takde la camtu. Jantung aku, ada damage kat laluan LAD... errr... kat salah satu urat dia, ada block. So jantung tu dah mati. 1/3 jantung aku dah mati.

Drebar: Separuh jantung abang dah mati?

Aku: Tak. Satu pertiga.

Drebar: Suku jantung abang mati?

Aku: Tak. Satu pertiga.

Drebar: Habis, kalau bukan separuh, bukan suku, berapa banyak yang mati? Jantung abang hidup lagi ke?

Aku: Satu pertiga la. 1/3. One over three. Kalau ko beli kek bulat, ko bahagi tiga, ko ambik salah satu potongan, itu satu pertiga la.

Drebar: Jadi, kalau kita ambik kek pound, atau kek kat Starbucks, kita kerat dua?

Aku: Aaaa...ko pusing sini bro. Ko pusing kiri sini.

Lepas tu aku senyap. Maleh dah nak layan.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

60 Days After

Next week, two months on the dot from the time I had my heart attack, I will be back at the hospital for an echo stress test. It's a cardiac rehab thing where the doctors will see how my heart moves and functions while I'm exercising.

I hope to get some information from this - particularly how much I can push myself in my daily exercise. The past two months, I took to climbing stairs and then switching to walking.

I started doing 30 minute walks, then I got bored so I did 40 minute walks. Then that became boring as well so I did hour-long walks. Now, I'm doing it twice a day and found out my speed and stamina have increased.

That hour-long walk now takes 40 minutes. I now have to walk further to meet my 60 minute target. I think I want to run, but it is not safe and I could have a heart attack, a stroke or an embolism if I do it wrong or over-exert myself. I also want to know whether I can go swimming again, but walking works for me.

One of these days, maybe tomorrow, I'll write about my walking adventures. They're pretty dumb and interesting, like Jiro Takiguchi and his comic book.

The 60 days also saw a huge change in my lifestyle. First up, no cigarettes. I quit smoking cold turkey and have never had a single stick since the day I got a heart attack.

I reformatted my diet. I asked my sister - a control and health freak - to set up a system for me. I took the system and improved it for my own use. Her recipe to make soup, I have altered to include things I need, such as tomatoes due to my meds not allowing me to have vegetables.

Oh yeah, the doctors found blood clots in my heart, which is potentially life-threatening. So they prescribed Warfarin for me. Warfarin is very sensitive to many things so I had to get rid of leafy green vegetables which formed a large part of my diet. I also stopped taking garlic, western herbs, soy products and a bunch of other stuff.

I also cannot drink cranberry juice, or I might die of brain hemorrhage. It's fucking serious. My friends and family members save for my sister will never be able to understand all this. In some cases, they're dumb. In others, they're delusional or in denial. Also, there is an anti-knowledge culture in our society.

Each person's medical condition is different, but for most people out there, these are just broad categories. "He has hart disease." "Oh? DUUUUUUUUUUH What colour pill does he take?" "She has diabetes? Does she take injections or does she take pills? Are they gonna cut off her foot?"

It doesn't help that most of the medical fraternity in Malaysia do not explain. Thank God for Google.

I'm always pissed off with our dumb society and our stupid people. This is what got me sick in the first place. That and cigarettes and an extremely unhealthy diet. But mostly it was idiots.

After the heart attack, in these two months, I have had a few days when I felt sorry for myself but for the most part, I felt lucky. My sister kept on bugging me about it. "You don't realise how lucky you are."

I had the strength and presence of mind to go to the hospital. We did reach the ER on time. I responded to the anti-thrombolytic agent they injected in me (probably Heparin) as an emergency treatment, I responded to medication, my arteries were okay with the angiogram and angioplasty. I was not allergic to anything. The list goes on.

In terms of my mental well-being, I am quite okay. I'm confident I can keep my cholesterol level low, that I can keep on not smoking, and maintaining my exercise regime. I believe I can get my heart to function better after six months.

In fact, I want to increase the intensity of my exercise regime, and I want to go longer. I want to check out the newly refurbished public gym at Bangsar Sports Complex. I'll have to wait for Wednesday to find out from the doctors.

Mesej Untuk Beruk Atau Biawak

Aku tengah sibuk menyusun kembali hidup aku lepas kena sakit jantung dan takleh buat mende sangat selama dua bulan.

Sambil aku menulis tiga novel serentak dan satu skrip filem, aku nak rehat kejap dan cakap pasal tabiat pemakanan sihat yang mak bapak kat Malaysia - terutamanya mak bapak Melayu - memang gagal segagal-gagalnya.

Tabiat makan mula kat rumah. Mula dengan mak bapak ko, dan kalau ko dah membiak dan ada anak, tanggungjawab tu jatuh pada ko. Malangnya, kebanyakan orang yang kahwin dan membiak sebenarnya tak cukup matang untuk bertanggungjawab atau memikul tanggungjawab menjaga dan membesarkan budak.

Aku kata macam ni sebab pengetahuan pasal pemakanan yang paling basic, diajar di sekolah rendah, PUN DIORANG TAK INGAT. Aku amat terperanjat dengan tahap pengetahuan kebanyakan mak bapak yang sama tahap dengan beruk. Kalau bagi anak ko kat beruk, aku rasa budak tu lagi sihat.

Takkanlah Rosmah nak bagitau semua orang, "Makan fast food tu tak bagus, tak sihat. Banyak garam, lemak tepu, lemak pondan (trans fat) dan gula. Tak caya, tengok saya ni."

Aku perhatikan banyak mak bapak bila bagi anak-anak dia makan, dia bagi ikut apa budak tu suka makan. Kalau budak tu suka McDonald's, dia sumbat McD. Kalau budak tu suka makan mentega, dia sumbat mentega.

Pasal apa diorang ni tak tegah atau halang anak-anak diorang makan macam babi?

Sebabnya, mak bapak jenis camni takde emotional maturity - kematangan emosi. Diorang nak anak-anak diorang suka diorang, sebab diorang sebenarnya tak tahu dan tak pernah rasa kasih sayang. Kebanyakan keluarga yang aku perhatikan secara teliti, hanya bersama sebab alasan-alasan yang amat cetek dan superficial. Diorang bukan sayang pun anak diorang tu.

Keluarga yang tidak bersama sebab emosi atau perasaan, tetapi sebab ingin menjaga imej sendiri. Inilah sebab kita nampak mak dan bapak yang jauh lebih pentingkan bagaimana orang lain melihat diorang sebagai mak bapak atau sama ada anak-anak diorang sukakan diorang atau tak. Basically, selfish, stupid, immature motherfuckers.

Bagi aku, keluarga yang asyik sumbat bebudak dalam kelompok diorang dengan makanan tanpa memikirkan damage jangka panjang adalah keluarga yang pentingkan diri sendiri dan sepatutnya dimusnahkan, atau ditempatkan di zoo.

Jadi, aku cuma nak bagi satu peringatan, kepada semua pembiak - kalau ko dah bawak satu manusia ke dalam dunia ni yang satu hari nanti akan berdepan dengan kesakitan, kematian dan kesedihan, ko bertanggungjawab untuk paling kurang bagi diorang cukup bekalan ilmu dan basis untuk menghadapi semua ini.

Kalau tak, ko beruk. In fact, beruk train anak dia cukup untuk survive dalam hutan. Ko tak. Jadi ko lebih teruk daripada beruk. Ko reptilia. Biawak.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Bahan Makanan Bunuh Diri Untuk Manusia Biasa Dan Pesakit Jantung Yang Ambik Warfarin

Untuk manusia biasa yang mahu mengelak sakit jantung/stroke, jangan makan:

1. SEMUA jenis fast food. No exceptions.

- Semua fast food kaya dengan saturated fat, trans fat dan garam atau gula. Aku tau, sebab aku pernah makan semua jenis fast food.
- Makan fast food macam McDonald's dan KFC, Domino's dan Pizza Hut  menaikkan risiko sakit jantung, stroke, kencing manis, darah tinggi, liver failure, buah pinggang dan AIDS, kalau suka ke belakang McD atau KFC dan main toron jubur pondan sambil tak pakai kondom.

2. SEMUA jenis makanan yang dihidangkan di kedai mamak.

- Sama je dengan fast food. Minyak dia entah berapa kali guna dan dipanaskan semula - meningkatkan jumlah trans fat dan bahan-bahan carcinogenic.
- Teh tarik tu cuma gula, lemak dan lemak lagi. Pastu ada air sikit dengan serbuk teh yang entah mana dia lancapkan.
- Mi goreng mamak tu aku rasa kalori dia cukup untuk tiga hari kot.
- Roti canai ada minyak banyak gila sebab setiap kali dia tebar dan goreng, dia letak minyak banyak.

3. SEMUA hidangan tradisional Melayu, India, Cina, Indonesia. SEMUA.

- SEMUA cara masak buatkan hidangan tradisional ni banyak lemak, garam dan akhirnya akan bunuh ko. Nak makan, kena ubah cara masak.
- Hanya cara masak aku yang boleh mengekalkan 85% rasa masakan tradisional, dan menjadikannya sihat.

4. SEMUA jenis kuih.

- aku amat suka kuih. Untuk satu jangka masa panjang, aku percaya kelebihan orang Melayu hanya pada kuih yang hebat. Sekarang aku sedar, kaum lain pun cam puki je - tak bayar utang dengan aku sebanyak 30K. Pui. Superior apa, camtu?
- Anyway, semua jenis kuih tak sihat. Karipap ke, kuih bakar ke, tepung bunga ke, semua aku dah haramkan untuk diri aku sendiri. Harap korang ikut sama.

Pantang Larang Warfarin

Dan untuk mereka yang sedang mengambil ubat Warfarin - biasanya pesakit jantung - ini ialah senarai bahan makanan yang tak boleh makan jugak(perlu diingat, Warfarin bertindakbalas dengan Vitamin K):

1. Herba Mat Salleh

- 100g Basil ada 2143% jumlah keperluan harian Vitamin K. Atau, untuk setiap sudu besar, atau 5g basil, ada 107% keperluan harian untuk Vitamin K. Yang lain - thyme, marjoram, sage pun ada kandungan vitamin K yang tinggi.
- Ini bermakna aku terpaksa melepaskan resipi grill aku dan bertukar ke rempah dan herba Asia.

2. Serbuk dan Rempah Kari/Rempah Jenis Pedas

- WHAAAAAT? Takpe. Satu sudu besar rempah kari/paprika ada 7% keperluan harian Vitamin K. Serbuk cili ada 11% setiap sudu besar.
- Ini bermakna aku perlu mengawal jumlah rempah yang aku makan. Aku biasa gunakan satu sudu besar rempah untuk masak kari yang tahan satu hari (dua kali makan). Okay kot.

3. Sayur-sayuran Berdaun Hijau,.

- dengan kandungan vitamin K yang amat tinggi (lebih 1000% keperluan harian untuk bayam, kale, atau beberapa ratus peratus keperluan harian untuk yang lain), memang takleh makan.

4. Sayur Salad Mat Salleh

- Pun takleh makan.

5. Soya dan barang makanan diperbuat daripada soya

- aku amat sukakan tempe. Takleh makan.
- Takleh minum air soya
- Takleh makan taugeh - tapi aku takde la suka mana taugeh
- tauhu takleh, barang makanan vegetarian berasaskan soya, takleh. tau foo far takleh.

Nak tau nilai dia semua, klik kat sini.

Basically, banyak gila la benda takleh makan sebab tengah makan Warfarin.

Apa yang aku boleh makan sekarang amat-amat terhad, untuk at least 6 months. Kalau tak, aku mungkin mati sebab stroke.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Warfarin and Peace

So I went for my INR check today. INR is International Normalised Ratio. It measures how fast our blood clots.

A value of 1 is normal human. A value of 2 means it takes twice the time for the blood sample to clot than normal. A value of 0.5 means it clots in half the time. So on and so forth.

I have this condition called left ventricular thrombus, that developed perhaps after 1/3 of my heart died. After the heart attack, my blood probably went to a hypercoagulable state to prevent the heart walls from rupturing. Now, blood clots have formed in the dead region of my heart.

If the blood clot becomes bigger, and if it is dislodged from the heart, the damn thing can travel to my brain and cause a stroke, hopefully killing me instantly if that happens. Or it could go elsewhere and create many problems.

The standard treatment is either surgery or meds. Meds are usually warfarin and aspirin - a concoction usually separated. Blablabla.

Anyway, Warfarin is sensitive to many things, including vitamin K which is found in leafy green vegetables. Leafy green vegetables are a major part of my diet, my system. I had a fucking system and Warfarin ruined everything.

So I had my INR levels checked and it was 1.2 - way below the targeted 1.8-2.0. So the doc told me to stop eating leafy vegetables.

I had a bit of an argument with the young doctor.

Me: So, wait, you are increasing the dosage based on this reading, correct? So if Vitamin K is a factor, and Warfarin dosage is a factor, if I maintain the Vitamin K levels, all we need to do is adjust the Warfarin dosage, correct?


And so on and so forth. Basically, the doctor disagreed and told me to stop eating vegetables. Meanwhile, I was trying very hard not to be a dick.

But anyway, I'll take the doctor's word for it. I now have increased my Warfarin dosage and have given up leafy green vegetables for the next six months.

Now, I need to make sure I don't lose out on the vitamins. However, I can'y take supplements because Warfarin forbids it.

So, for each of these, I'll be upping:

Vitamin A - carrots (I hate carrots)
Vitamin B - oats, etc (covered)
Vitamin C - tomatoes, oranges
Vitamin D - I walk on most mornings
Vitamin E - I use a bit of oil
Vitamin K - minute amounts from whatever, probably garlic and ginger I use as seasoning

Oh well. That's it for now. And that's it for salads until mid-March, hopefully. I don't want to be on Warfarin forever.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Some Wanking Before Writing

The ugly topic of depression rears its ugly head once more. I want to talk about depression for heart patients.

First of all, it is quite common and a lot of my medical friends try to cheer me up because it is very easy to fall into a state of despair and self-pity once you get a serious illness. Also, some people might find it great to embody the identity of the disease. To become Lord Myocardial Infarction, Esq. It's all about ego. And attention.

However, I don't believe people can be cheered up with fluff or kind words. I believe the only thing that can be useful to get people out of the rut is the truth.

Two days ago, after I saw the cardiologist, I was on the brink. It was a shock to find out that my heart is worse than I thought and the fact that I have to take Warfarin to prevent strokes or embolism threw my carefully constructed dietary system into disarray.

Mentally, I was a mess. I didn't know what I had, why Warfarin was necessary, how did my heart get damaged so much when I went to the hospital quickly, etc, etc.

The past few days, I collected lots of info and harassed all doctor friends within talking distance. In an effort to make sense of it all.

I have found my peace with God a few years ago. I am okay with anything God throws at me. I am  not resisting the MI, the angiogram, the angioplasty, the stent, the slow recovery process, the meds, the  Warfarin. No none of those are in contention. I just want to make sure that I have done all that is humanly possible and know all that is possible for a human to know about my condition.

I am not a lazy ass motherfucker who treats God as my bitch, to leave it all up to God. Cause that's bullshit - regardless whether you believe in a higher power or not. But until the minute I die, I will not stop to do all I can. And all I can is a lot of stuff. Actually, all any of us can do, is a lot of stuff. Don't give me any excuses.

So anyway, I was in a state, but I kept on going. And one of my friends came through. After asking about these alternatives to Warfarin (there are three, new drugs in use since last year or so), I found out the name of my condition, common treatments and later on, I will find the survival rate.

Finding a name means I now have a thing to refer to. It would speed up my reading of the medical journals and other stuff. I felt relieved. I am not scared of death at all. Everybody dies and heart disease is preferable to cancer. I pushed myself these past two weeks and I think I will recover just fine, with all capabilities intact. I just won't be running a marathon or skydiving or bungee jumping anytime soon. Oh, and it seems I'll never ride a roller coaster.

I have a name for my condition. I know what it is. I know that humanity has encountered it before. That there exists a protocol to deal with it. Somewhere, there is a mortality rate, but that can wait.

Right now, I feel so good and free, I'm going to start writing a brand new book tomorrow. I mean, seriously, I'm writing a book.

See, to me, I don't get out of depression with anything other than the truth.

The Numbers of Death

Since the medical people don't tell you everything, I've been doing some reading on my own. Basic stuff that all heart patients and their family should know.

90% of people who survived after a few days of their first heart attack can make a full recovery. 10% will die in the first year, usually in the first 3-4 months.

I'm still alive after more than a month so my chances look good. BUT - they found some blood clots in the section of my heart that is dead. This could cause strokes or embolism, which means automatic death. Or worse.

1/3 of my heart is dead. The human heart pumps at 60-70% capacity or ejection rate. Mine is 41%. There have been people who have lost half their heart and survived for over 40 years, there are people who have lost just 15% capacity and died.

There is no way the heart can regenerate, so the thing that pisses me off is when people ask me whether I have recovered. It's not the flu or a toothache. My heart will never recover the part that is now dead. It's gone. Goodbye. Adios. The only thing that can be done is to make the other parts of the heart stronger so they can compensate.

Here's a risk - a majority of heart patients may find their heart to increase in size. A bigger heart is stronger at pumping, but may suffer from arrhythmia.

When you have had a heart attack, you will take certain meds forever. Forever. Forever ever? Forever-EVER!

This is usually anti-platelets like aspirin and/or clopidogrel (brand Plavix) and in severe cases, the dreaded Warfarin. There are ACE inhibitors and beta blockers, statins, etc.

You need to be able to trust your doctor. My doctors are okay, but they don't give all information. No one in the public healthcare system will tell you all the information because either they don't know/don't have it or they simply don't think you need to know. I need to know. I deal with massive amounts of information. So be prepared to conduct your own research.

Cardiac rehab may help, if you're in a First World country. It has been shown to reduce risk of another heart attack or dying from boredom. I have yet to try out Malaysia's public healthcare cardiac rehab programmes but initial meetings with the team seems okay.

Heart disease costs money. Not so much as cancer, but be prepared to spend for procedures, meds, etc.

Death, Warfarin, Famine, Pestilence

I have been collecting information about my condition and got segued looking into healthcare protocols and procedures. Can't help it - part of my work is assessing organisations.

First of all, there's an information gap. Serious gaps in information that I would need. These are not gaps in info the doctors need to treat patients, but simply the type of info I wish was there for me. It's a selfish thing.

For example, how many people have the same condition here in Malaysia? What is the mortality rate? How long do I have to live - a rough estimate is fine? How about morbidity - how do we determine what I can or cannot do? How long do I have to wait when given a number? I Googled and read up studies on every single drug they give me, but what if an old pakcik was prescribed a risky med and does not have Internet access to know that eating something together with the drug could cause a brain hemorrhage?

I haven't done much but what I encountered when I ask some questions or give some small suggestions is how defensive some people working in the medical industry are. This is understandable. Humans are defensive. And I should just shut up.

Especially when given the fact that I can't afford private hospitalisation. Being poor, I should just take it up the ass. And I'm not a Datuk or Tan Sri who can get in IJN. Even if I can, I don't have the money to pay for it. And I don't think my condition is special enough to warrant free healthcare at IJN, for research purposes. At least I hope it's not.

The thing is, I'm not even criticising individuals or even doctors. I just believe some of the system can be improved. It is an administration and management issue, which is not an ailment unique to just hospitals but is prevalent everywhere in Malaysia.

I would have been happy if the nurses told me, "You HAD an appointment at 11am, but you will only see the doctor after 4pm or so. Now go fuck yourself and come back at 4pm." AND if the doctors just told me, "hey, you know what? You lost a third of your heart. There are people who lost half their heart to whatever and they are unfortunately still alive 40 years later. Then again, there are people who died two weeks after their first heart attack. Badum-tish! The stats according to people who get treated here would be 546 of 1098 patients with similar conditions die within the first two years. Here's a chart. Good luck. Now fuck off."

Studies, stats and the rest are unavailable, unless conducted by pharmaceutical companies to prove or disprove the effectiveness of their or competitors' drugs. But there are independent studies.

For example, the drug I am on right now - Warfarin (formerly rat poison) - is used to treat severe heart conditions, DVT, etc, etc. A doctor friend only mentioned Warfarin as treatment for DVT - deep vein thrombosis - but further reading showed that it is used for severe cases of heart problems.

Warfarin also significantly increases the mortality risk of traumatic injuries in both elderly and younger patients.

These studies and stats, numbers and figures are unavailable in Malaysia - except through the internet - and it's not the doctors' fault. This thing can be made available with better management and administration.

However, it is impossible to expect this kind of coordination when you have to wait 5-6 hours to see a doctor, if you are not really, really dying.

Some systems work very well, even the non-emergency cases. The pharmacy at UMMC, for example, is reasonably fast on certain times of day.

Oh well. Just wanking.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Death and Bullshit

Last night, as I sat down and wrote about the bad diagnosis I received yesterday, my chest felt tight, I was exhausted and generally in extremely low spirits.

The condition of my heart is worse than I expected. There are also complications that put me at risk to either a stroke or the House condition - the medical problem TV doctor Gregory House faced in his origin.

The doctor prescribed a new drug for me - Warfarin. Warfarin was used previously as rat poison. It stops blood clots from forming and for the next six months, this is what the doctors will try to do. I'm already on two other types of blood thinners and Warfarin will be a third drug to function similarly.

The doctor looked very grave, as if predicting my death within a few years. Even his apology sounded to me a bit sarcastic, but I knew he was just telling the truth.

Warfarin is one of the drugs I was hoping to avoid. If taken with the wrong dosage, I could end up with a brain hemorrhage. There are also many types of food that reacts with Warfarin, especially cranberry juice, green leafy vegetables, alcohol, and a bunch of other stuff.

I have to go to the lab every week to get my blood coagulation ratio thing. They need to test how fast my blood clots to adjust the Warfarin to the required target level. The rule then is that I need to make damn sure my intake of green leafy vegetables is consistent at all times.

This means I need a vegetable schedule. Perhaps four (4) heads of butterhead lettuce a week, with one head per day, sawi (choy sam) - maybe one RM2 bunch and three stalks of bok choy a day for two days.

Once I decide on the vegetable schedule, this is what greens I will eat for the next six months with absolutely no changes whatsoever.

This means I won't eat out at all. I won't go to any of your stupid weddings or events. I won't go to parties or travel anywhere I can't replicate my vegetable intake. Not that I go now anyway.

In fact, I have regulated my vegetable intake so far. It's just so fucking bad when you actually have to do it.

I'm dealing with all this, so I have a favour to ask from friends, family or anyone interested in talking to me - do not try to proselytize or convince me to become a devout follower of your stupid religions.

I have long ago accepted wherever God wants to throw me. Heaven, hell, limbo - it is not for me to judge and certainly not for you, who are all inferior to me. I have never met anyone smarter than myself and you are all stupid. Why should I listen to stupid people?

I don't believe in miracle cures that can be whipped up in the kitchen, I don't trust homeopathy, no matter where they're from, and I especially hate anything and everything that comes out of Saudi Arabia and treated as if it's some sort of magic bullshit thing.

I don't believe in magic metal bracelets, enchanted volcanic rock medallions, sacred pieces of paper with Arabic script written by the mouth of a man with no arms or legs, water infused with spiritual incantations, super magic incense, or any type of thing that was not studied by various medical and scientific organisations and are now dispensed by modern clinics or hospitals around the world - preferably First World.

I do not believe that bribing God with extra super duper prayers or fasting or reading a book will accomplish anything. I do not believe in a point system devised by modern Muslims who all believe that the concept of  'good deeds' and 'bad deeds' to determine whether you go to heaven or hell can be quantified.

It is believed by some that if you do as God tells you, you get points. The more points you score, the more you can offset your negative points, accumulated when you are doing bad things. In the end, on Judgment Day, these points are calculated and regardless of anything else, you will go to hell or heaven based on these points.

It's as if someone who lies, cheats or steals can offset his or her bad deed points with a string of combo good deed points during Ramadan. Or a wife beater, a murderer, a child rapist can get away from eternal damnation by following certain dietary restrictions.

In the immortal words of Chris Rock, "On Judgment Day, I refuse to believe that my diet will come into question. Hey, God, I killed a bunch of kids, but I ate right!"

The point system is immensely corrupt and bears a striking resemblance to the practice of the Catholic Church in the past of selling pieces of paper to 'forgive' sinners. The similarity lies in the view that sin can be quantified, and as if God has to adhere to some sort of system.

What if God says fuck you, and all your deeds, you going to hell, fucker! No amount of praying or pretending to be pious to other people will save you then.

I would appreciate it if no one tries to talk about the afterlife to me. None of you have ever been there so everything you tell me is a fucking lie.

I've made peace with God years ago. So take your bullshit, roll them up real tight, spit polish it and stick it up your ass.