Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Rusty The Bastard Shit Thing Clinging to My Head

It has been years since I've written a creative script. Most of the stuff I've written since the last one were corporate stuff, with clear goals and elegant concepts. Well, if not elegant, then empirical.

I spent the past few hours trying to finish a story and I found myself a tad out of practice. I used to do massive amounts of writing till the wee hours of the morning but nowadays, I put the cap at 2am plus.

The reason is, LDL. Bad cholesterol. Most of our bad cholesterol or LDL - low-density lipids - are excreted by our own body, when we don't sleep at night. So yeah, I'm going to bed very soon. Also, nursing a half-flu the past few days have not been very kind to me.

Also, one of the greatest blocks facing any writer is the loss of faith in your story or skills. That suddenly you realise what a fraud you are, that none of the things you ever did were any good and you should just die before embarrassing yourself further.

I would like to say I have overcome that, but I won't since that would be a lie. I am always insecure about my work. The only discernible difference between me 12 years - nay, just a few years ago - and now is that I have isolated my writing insecurities with my approval-seeking.

I no longer care about what people think of my work, nor do I believe that what anyone thinks of my work has any relations to my self-worth. Because the truth is, I am worthless, and therefore beyond worth and therefore, priceless. Wank wank!

I mean, it's nice when people say, "You're a genius!" but even that is momentary. Fleeting. Ephemeral.

 Everything will not last. All structures are unsafe, said a Sufi thingy or whatever the fuck.

Anyway, off to bed. REM sleep, motherfuckers!


Friday, June 24, 2016

Seribu Pedang Pulang Ke Asal

Aku amat-amat sibuk dalam masa beberapa minggu ni.

Aku dah letak jawatan kat tempat kerja aku dan sekarang hanya tunggu hari terakhir, juga bayaran gaji akhir aku.

Sambil tu, aku dah start buat projek-projek yang harapnya boleh menampung hidup aku selepas ini, sebagai seorang pekerja freelance. Aku juga mahu menumpukan lebih masa dan usaha kepada kompeni penerbitan komik aku - Maple Comics.

Selama ni, aku rasa macam Matt Murdock  - sentiasa bersalah - sebab tak menumpukan lebih usaha pada Maple Comics. Ada banyak benda aku nak buat dan aku dah nampak halatujunya. Ada beberapa pengumuman berita baik selepas raya, yang aku takleh ceritakan lagi.

Yang aku boleh cakap ialah pasal judul-judul yang bakal diterbitkan. Sebelum 2016 melabuhkan tirai, aku kira ada 4-6 judul lain, bermakna tahun ini sahaja, tahun kedua kami beroperasi, mungkin kami berjaya menerbitkan 10 judul dengan bilangan akhir 15-16 judul sepanjang 2 tahun beroperasi.

Tahun depan, yang dah confirm ada 5 judul.

Esok aku ada 4 meeting, 11am, 3pm, 7pm (berbuka) dan moreh event pukul 10pm kot. Balik rumah tulis skrip sampai kul 2am pastu tidur. Kot. Hari Sabtu, aku nak tido. Keje pun main hantar email je.

Dulu aku pernah kerja, 6 meeting sehari. So 4 meeting still okay buat badan yang dah makin tua dan nak mampus.

Aku nak rehat sebab lepas kerja menggila beberapa minggu ni, malam ni aku tak sihat sangat. Hampir demam, so aku lawan pakai ubat yang ada, tapi aku memang kena rest.

Ahad kalau ada masa, aku nak tido lagi, pasal aku perlukan rehat. Next week, aku kena jumpa dentist ari Isnin pastu maybe ada meeting petang tu, ada meeting pagi ari Selasa, meeting ari Rabu pagi, meeting/event ari Khamis tengahari, meeting ari Jumaat petang.

Minggu depan jugak aku nak register ahli Persatuan Alumni UM, pastu kensel gym membership aku (pasal PAUM punya clubhouse ada gym dan swimming pool), nak beli laptop, sambung buat keje video, settlekan skrip, settlekan permohonan itu ini, check aku dah abis bayar PTPTN belum (patutnya dah abis or tinggal sikit), settlekan urusan dengan LHDN dan bermacam-macam benda lain.

Aku akan bekerja sepanjang Ramadan menuju ke Raya, dan sampai lepas Raya. Raya tahun ni aku tak balik kampung buat pertama kali dalam masa 36 tahun. Aku raya kat KL.

Aku jugak nak start balik gym routine aku lepas aku dah abis keje kat kompeni lama aku. Aku ditawarkan bekerja kat The Malaysian Reserve betul-betul lepas aku kena sakit jantung (sebab kerja macam orang gila).

Lepas sakit jantung, aku memang rasa lemah dan tak mampu buat kerja macam dulu. Sekarang pun aku cuma at 60% capacity asal aku. The Malaysian Reserve memberi aku peluang beransur mengumpul momentum kerja. Boss yang bawak aku masuk, Shamsul Akmar, memang aku terhutang budi pasal bagi aku job tu.

Lepas 18 bulan dengan Reserve, aku rasa aku dah cukup biasakan diri dengan flow kerja untuk aku buat apa yang aku amat-amat suka - komik dan content dengan separuh kelajuan asal aku.

Ada banyak lagi benda lain aku kena buat. Aku sebenarnya dah fikir jadual aku sampai August 2017, tapi itu sebenarnya tak sihat dan tak cerdik. The future doesn't exist except as the present moment. Masa depan tak wujud melainkan sebagai detik sekarang.

Dan sekarang, aku nak tido sebelum sakit aku melarat dan aku out of commission.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Melancap Di Malam Remdan

Benda aku tak paham orang Melayu buat ialah bila nak cakap dia tak setuju, kena dengan penuh emosi atau dengan berlagak angkuh. Mungkin sebab dia tak reti nak cakap 'no' tanpa terlompat-lompat macam beruk.

Satu lagi ialah bila cakap nak buat something, response dia ialah, "Oh, nak buat benda ni kena bersatu."

Bukan semua benda perlukan semua orang bersatu. In fact, 99% benda tak perlukan orang bersatu atau bersetuju. Aku pergi berak, nak kena bersatu jugak ke?

Aku dah lama rasa yang orang Melayu terlalu pentingkan consensus dan unity, sedangkan IQ kumpulan biasanya jauh lebih rendah daripada IQ individu.

Ko letak mamat sorang, dia pandai. Bila ko letak dua orang, IQ turun jadi cam lembu. Dalam satu kumpulan, IQ dia dah tahap bakteria dalam tanah pun boleh gelakkan.

Benda aku tak paham dengan orang yang duduk Amerika, sama ada Americans atau orang Malaysia duduk sana lama, ialah diorang optimistik dan bila ko cakap something, instinct pertama dia ialah percaya bulat-bulat.

"Benda apa ko buat ni Amir?"

"Adalah benda bodoh apa kejadahnya."

"HUhh?" - percaya bulat-bulat.

"Akulah Minda Terhebat Abad Ke-21!" kata aku.

"Ujub, ujub," katanya.  - percaya bulat-bulat yang aku orang gila.

Ini sebab kat sana, budaya Amerika meyakinkan semua orang sana bahwa diorang boleh buat semua yang diorang nak buat, boleh capai apa yang diorang nak capai.

"If you put your mind to it, there's nothing you can't achieve." - Mesej yang dihentak masuk daripada Barack Obama sampailah Zootopia
Sebab tu diorang lebih optimistik dan tak malu nak berusaha, dan tak malu nak gagal.

Ini, ada kelebihan dan kekurangannya. Lebih banyak kejayaan yang akan muncul, juga lebih banyak kegagalan dan kekecewaan.

Berlainan kita kat Malaysia. Aku rasa macam society kita menggalakkan pemikiran bahawa semuanya ditentukan suatu kuasa yang lebih besar - Kerajaan. Sampai bila jerebu pun hantar petisyen kat Najib suruh turn off mesin jerebu belakang rumah dia. Serious! Ada Art for Grabs last year bebudak ni buat petisyen suruh Najib hentikan jerebu.

Aku takdelah sokong Najib, tapi bab jerebu ni, aku rasa Najib pun takleh buat apa.

In fact, Kerajaan kita taklah sepower atau sepandai yang kau sangkakan.

Semua benda ko give up, sebab ko malas. Sikap malas tu sampai ke satu tahap ko malas nak bertanggungjawab untuk diri ko sendiri.

Tapi, kelebihannya ialah, orang Melayu sukar nak rasa kecewa, sebab kita takde mencuba apa-apa.






Sunday, May 29, 2016

CAFKL 2016: The Passion of the Crew

Maple Comics just wrapped up our most successful event yet at Comics Art Fest KL 2016.

I must say I am extremely impressed with the spirit and dedication of the volunteers/workers who put together such an amazing event.

It started on a low note on Saturday morning when I was told politely that I couldn't bring coffee into the venue. So I drank the hot americano outside, thinking murderous thoughts and plotting revenge via strongly-worded letters.

Then as we navigated Maple Comics' busiest convention day so far this year, I began to appreciate the efficiency and passion of the crew.

Let me tell you a story how great this team was.

On Sunday, there was going to be a panel session with Stephani Soejono talking about her new comic with us - The Tale of Bidadari.

We of course did no preparation for the panel. It was just going to be me and Steph on two chairs with Steph answering questions I would throw at her. We were going to just wing it.

The crew had more preparation and thought than us. They approached and asked us twice - via two different groups of people - hours before we were going to go up. One of them told us exactly what to expect. EXACT information.

You have no fucking idea how much I appreciate information, especially accurate and complete ones. In a world of liars and people afraid of the truth, in a world where idiots hide information ebcause they think they have some form of advantage by keeping people in the dark, these young men and women gave me COMPLETE INFORMATION!

Information is key. Information is power. In the right little fingers, information can make or break things.

 And it needn't be noise. I was told that there would be two chairs and one table in between to set up any sort of display. That was all I needed to know. Simple, yes? You would be surprised how much of these seemingly useless information tidbits are hidden by people in the same companies for no fucking reason, to the detriment of the whole.

I was then asked by one of the crew members, would we like to project anything on the big screen overhead?

I said, sure, the cover of the book of course. I was ready to email her the cover but this young woman whom have now earned all my respect, asked if she could take it from Maple Comics' Facebook page.

I said sure, half-expecting the image would be of the wrong cover, or from the wrong FB page, and I'd have a silly story I could share with my publisher friends.

So the hour came. I disengaged from a booth that was showing me a gag variant cover of a woman with cookies covering her boobs and went on stage.

There it was. Two chairs, with a small table or dais/pillar thing in between. Exactly as promised.

And above Steph and myself, was the screen. On it, was the CORRECT cover, like a fucking Thundercats logo. Everything was perfect and seamless.

So much so, that I then felt our unrehearsed chat was a bit... inadequate of how hard these people worked.

Maybe Steph and I should have practiced the proposed Riverdance routine as part of the launch gimmick.

We wrapped up fairly quickly because I remembered Amir Fixi Muhammad's advice - if you think you're going to suck, make it short so it would be easier for people to forgive you.

During the panel, I had the chance to thank CAFKL because it was during their 2015 event that I met Steph and Veleries and convinced them to do comics with us. In essence, The Tale of Bidadari and Veleries' upcoming work was made possible because CAFKL gave us a platform to meet and collaborate.

There are other little stories. The immense help the crew gave us with our queries and needs before and during the event are too numerous to tell. Big things and little things. Coming up with great and well thought of rules and the maturity to know when to bend or break them.

I believe that the country and even the world are in good hands if these people are organising it.

Was it perfect? No. But it far exceeded my personal expectations, which are admittedly low after Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and X-Men: Apocalypse.

To the crew members of CAFKL, I salute you. And thank you.

To the visitors who bought or browsed our titles at Maple Comics' booth, I give you my sincere thanks. We do this primarily for you.

To our neighbours, we apologise for spilling over unfairly to your areas.

To our fellow booth people, it is with pride that we participate in this community and we hope to contribute making it better.

Thank you. Like, seriously.


Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Pursuit of Crappiness

Strategically, it is unwise to tell people you are happy and free of pain. So.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Spoiler-filled Review of Captain America: Civil War



Also, Captain America displayed some selfishness in the Bucky quest. So he's not ALL good.

And Iron Man made a prison, so he's not all justified either.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

NO-SPOILER REVIEW: Captain America: Civil War

I will sit down and do a proper review later, but out of respect to those who haven't seen it yet, I just want to get some early thoughts out about Captain America: Civil War (Civil War). So no spoilers here. It's safe for everyone. MOSTLY. If you don't want to know ANYTHING about Civil War, stop reading and go back to sucking dick or something.

Went to see it last night with most of my DnD group (geek cred, motherfuckers!) minus the DM and as I was sitting there in the cinema, I was like, "What did I do to deserve this? Did I sell my soul to the devil to watch a movie this good?"

Civil War is the best Marvel movie and by default - the best comic book movie so far. It is on par with Orgazmo - greatest superhero movie of all time. DC is out. Fuck DC, man. I'm a DC fanboy but by God, their movies suck ass just as hard as they're sucking Zack can't-tell-a-story Snyder's untalented ass. Fuck Snyder, man. He used to be in my top 5 directors list. Fuck him and Brad Bird too for Tomorrowland. Tomorrow-hebephilia-and-Randian-bullshit-land. Fuck that Ayn Rand Objectivism bullshit.

Anyway, let's get back to Captain America: Civil War.

Everything was there, man. Adam and Steve - I mean, Tony and Steve, Black Widow, all the characters feel real. Layered, flawed, conflicted. They felt like real people, man. Can't talk about anyone's motivations so I'm gonna talk about Chris Evans' biceps.

Captain America's biceps are so great, it will shake your iman and your gender identity at the same time.

Even the bit characters all do not feel like bit characters. Ant-Man was great in terms of how they made him the starstruck guy. Spider-Man works. Oh, Lawd! Spider-Man works.

FINALLY! Spider-Man! Has come back to MARRRRRR-VEL! Tom Holland sounds like a believable Peter Parker though in my head, Spider-Man has always been a sarcastic asshole. Holland works as a new superhero and a kid, which is who Spider-Man is for most of his career-defining comics.

Imagine Zack Snyder directing the next Spider-Man movie. I will fucking torch the bloody fucking cinema.

Black Panther works for me. Bucky works. All the characters have very clear motivations, either to fight or help or even switch allegiances . Not like BvS: Dawn of Justass.

The plot is well laid out, not like BvS: Dawn of Justass.

The only blemish is one of the characters functions like BvS: Dawn of Justass' Amy Adams' Lois Lane + Jesse Eisenberg's Luthor. I'm talking about Zemo who is both non-essential to the plot and his evil scheme doesn't make much sense. But. BUT! Because the movie was drowning in the great characters, performances and action sequences of the main cast of superheroes, fuck Zemo.

Let's talk about the action sequences. If you think Batman in the warehouse was the best part of BvS: Dawn of Justass, the stuff we see in Civil War makes that look like Darth Vader vs Obi-Wan in Star Wars: Episode IV. The action in Civil War makes Batman in the warehouse look like Awie fighting Mustapha Kamal in one of Sembilu 2's many dream sequences.

Some of the early action was shaky and had too many cuts (and that's not really bad), but after that, it gets better, and better, and better. At one point, I was on the verge of ejaculating my pants.

What I also like is that even the bits we see and hear in the trailers are delivered differently in the movie, making things seem so fresh even though we've all seen it before. Even the tone of delivery for "He's my friend" "So was I" was delivered differently to suit the NEW development in the storyline. Clever editing, clever directing, clever performances, clever planning, clever, clever, clever.

I can't go on without spoiling the movie. I'll do that next week after the first weekend and the first few days. But in conclusion, greatest superhero movie so far. Better than Winter Soldier and Captain America is now the best sub-franchise in the huge, huge Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Ulasan Filem Ringkas: Redha (2016)

Tadi aku pergi tengok filem Redha. Aku masuk panggung dengan expectations yang paling rendah. Serendah Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Sebabnya? Filmmakers dia defensive kat social media. Rewan Ishak cakap sikit je, dia melenting, pastu ada orang lain kutuk filem pun dia melenting. Bagi aku, mana-mana filmmaker yang defensive pasal filem dia mendedahkan yang dia tak yakin dengan filem dia, maka filem tu mesti tak best dan banyak cacat-cela.

So aku masuk, bersedia untuk membenci filem ini... dan aku keluar panggung agak suka dengan Redha. Mungkin selepas menonton Batman v Superman, semua filem nampak lebih baik, tapi secara jujurnya, aku suka Redha.

Memang ya, filem ni banyak cacat-celanya di mata aku. Banyak babak yang cheesy atau kadang-kadang menjadi filem PSA pasal autism, tetapi secara keseluruhan, Redha ialah filem yang baik dan sesuai dinikmati manusia.

Aku suka lakonan Namron - pelakon skrin tempatan kesukaan aku - June Lojong, Nadiya Nissa, Remy Ishak, Harith Haziq, Izzy Reef, Ruminah Sidek, Susan Lankaster semua bagi persembahan yang secukupnya. Dia tak payah nak melampau sangat macam Lu Mafia Gua Gangster atau kebanyakan filem lain, diorang berlakon a bit subdued or understated kecuali semasa babak cheesy.

Even cheesiness dia kurang daripada Ola Bola yang super duper cheesy.

Hubungan Nadiya Nissa dan Remy Ishak juga tidak diterokai dengan penuh - satu pilihan bijak. kalau tetiba masa third act Nadiya dan Remy bercinta, aku akan kutuk filem ni sampai pagi esok. Mungkin sampai bulan depan.

Versi Aku:

Yang aku rasa terlepas peluang filem ini ialah kalau dijadikan filem sukan dengan twist atlet itu ialah seorang remaja autistik. Bayangkan kalau watak bapak dia ialah seorang perenang yang hampir masuk olimpik dan sentiasa mahukan anaknya menjadi perenang hebat, tetapi anaknya autistik.

Selepas akhirnya menerima keadaan anaknya, budak itu mula menunjukkan potensi sebagai perenang paralimpik. Gila habis Hollywood corny movie la tapi. Macam International Velvet.

Elemen ini ada dalam Redha, tetapi diselitkan di third act. Aku rasa third act itu boleh jadi satu filem dan memasukkannya di sini rasa terlebih panjang dan patut habis selepas timeskip itu sahaja.

In Conclusion

Kalau aku tulis panjang lagi, aku akan senaraikan semua benda aku tak suka, dan jugak benda-benda yang aku suka. Cukuplah kalau aku cakap, aku suka Redha dan aku harap korang pergi tengok sebelum tayangan habis mungkin hujung minggu ni.

Dan pedulikan omongan filmmaker dia yang mungkin jadi turn-off untuk sesetengah orang. Pergilah tengok dan nikmati filem ini dan juga jangan bercakap dalam panggung melainkan anda tak boleh kawal diri sebab ada Tourette's Syndrome.

Friday, April 15, 2016

The Malay Podcast

Aku dah mula buat podcast. It's in Malay. Here's the first one. It's not entirely a 'podcast', but it gets better.





 The second one is truer to form:


 

And here's the Soundcloud link: Click Here

 Third one uploaded last night:


 

And here's the SoundCloud Link: Klik Kat Sini

I've decided to do it in Malay so I would speak slower. I'm more comfortable talking in English so doing it in Malay slows down my speech and I could think before I say stuff.

If you're wondering what I use:

Mic: Some crappy mic I bought for 30 ringgit.

Recording Software: OBS (free!)

Pictures: Taken from Google Image search

Aaaand: Powerpoint.

I assemble the entire thing as a Powerpoint presentation. There is no script because I am actually reacting to the images I assembled earlier on Powerpoint. I'm just rambling as I see the photos appear as you do.

There's some minimal editing done with Windows Movie Maker (free!) and that's it.

Go and watch each one. Like and subscribe and share it. Or don't. I don't give a fuck.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Fandom

I wanted to write a pseudo-psychological analysis of fandom but then decided to just fuck it and upload a bunch of illustrations of TMNT as asked by a nice guy I met at GeekCon this year.

These drawings were done by Mimi Mashud, Jon Suraya, Chee and Azhar Abdullah.




Sunday, April 3, 2016

Lostword

Got some feedback for Scenes of the Father - my new book with Chee. It's an illustrated storybook.

Rushing to get everything done for the four-five titles we are publishing in three months, we left out the foreword/afterword thing I wrote in January.

So, for posterity's sake, here it is:

Afterword (or Foreword, whichever fits)

This book is a lie. 

Things didn’t happen as they did – not exactly. Some of the dates I might have gotten wrong. Some of the quotes, the images inside your head – they’re all wrong. Not exactly right.  
These are viewed through my own fuzzy memories of stories told by an old man through his own fuzzy recollections. And then Chee came into the picture and he brings his own fuzzy brushes to draw this book.
His art is amazing, of course. All my friends are extremely talented and Chee’s drawings are exceptional, though as with the famous pipe painting, these are not exactly how things are or were.
But such is the nature of writing or any attempt to capture any details or nuance from real life – it will always fail. In Chee’s case, it fails in spectacularly beautiful fashion. I can’t be more pleased with how the art turned out for this book.
And thank you, my friend, for liking my little story enough to breathe new life into it.
At the time of writing, my father is warded in the hospital (he's now out). His health has deteriorated slowly over the years, having suffered from four strokes and a host of old people’s ailments. Only one good thing came out of it – a couple of years ago, he forgot to buy cigarettes so now he doesn’t smoke.
Aside from that, it has been painful, watching him grow old and frail ever so slowly. Despite the fact that he shouldn’t be able to walk, he sometimes does so out of sheer willpower.
He doesn’t ride on his tractor anymore – the old thing is just gathering dust and rust.
Instead, my father’s ride is now a wheelchair, which he hates.
Nobody knows who’s going to go or stay, when or where we will leave forever. But I hope that whenever that happens for my father, for all his good and evil deeds, that the journey would be a peaceful one. 
And that’s the truth.
Amir Hafizi
Jan 15 2016

Monday, March 28, 2016

Rant: Batman v Superman Mic Drop

This is the link to my professional review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (BvS).

I write for a business paper mainly read by business people, so it's unseemly to do a rant over there. So if you want a more civil whatever, go read that.

This, this is personal. This will be a rant. Warning: Spoilers.

First up, fuck you, Zack Snyder.

Zack Snyder Origin Story

Never have I seen a movie done by a director with such contempt and hatred for the source material. There is no other explanation other than Zack Snyder hates Superman with the intensity of a thousand suns.

I think when Zack Snyder was a kid, he was walking around with his dog when a robber in a Superman costume started pulling a gun at his dog.

Robber in a Superman Costume: Hey, Zack Snyder's dog! Gimme all your money!

Zack Snyder's Dog: Woof?

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Pearls flying everywhere.

Zack Snyder: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thus began Zack Snyder's convoluted revenge fantasy on Superman. It culminated with BvS.

BvS Begins

The movie opened with a Batman origin story. I'm happy Jeffrey Dean Morgan or whatever got a job as Thomas Wayne. But... necessary? No, it was not necessary. So was the sequence with Young Bruce surrounded by bats and flying through the air. Oh, sure, dream sequence.

Then we see Bruce Wayne 18 months ago, when Superman was fighting Zod in Metropolis. He arrived at Metropolis and immediately called his staff at Wayne Finance to evacuate the building.

The staff, an old man called Jack, then said, "Okay, guys, the boss wants us to evacuate the building!"

Wait. What? Two super-powered aliens are levelling buildings left right and center, and there is a huge fucking tripod thing - a motherfucking dubstep machine - destroying the city and surrounding buildings, and YOU FUCKERS HAVEN'T EVACUATED YET?

You're actually waiting for Bruce Fucking Wayne, the fucking OWNER of your company to tell you what to do? Does Bruce Wayne cut their overtime if they were to evacuate the building when a super 9-11 event is happening WITHOUT his okay? Get the fuck out of my face.

So, anyway, despite the bullshit, this was a good sequence to show Wayne being all, "fuck this alien shit". Good buildup, I must say. So far, 8-10 minutes in, I'm okay.

Then we see a guy somewhere in the Indian ocean diving for kryptonite. Whatever.

Then we see Lois Lane in Nairomi, Africa. I shit you not. Nairomi, Africa, that I presume is just a misspelling of Nairobi, Kenya?

So anyway, Lois Lane is going for this interview with a terrorist. A Muslim African terrorist. He was like, "I didn't know you were a woman?" What a dumbass line. Lois Lane was like, "I'm not a woman, I'm a journalist."

I was like, yeah, Spotlight and shit.

And then her photographer gets searched by White Terrorist Guy (WTG). He starts dismantling this photographer's film camera - fucking hipster douchebag photographer - and finds a tracker the size of Zack Snyder's nipples. I mean, it was fucking huge!

The tracker is a big ass thingamabob with a huge flashing light that beeps like BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. Must have been a hipster douchebag tracker from the 1960s.

So WTG shoots hipster photographer in the head. Oh, and you know what? Subsequent interviews with Snyder revealed that this douchebag hipster photographer is Jimmy Fucking Olsen.

Jimmy Olsen is dead within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Bullet to the head.

Lois gets dragged into the house of the Muslim Terrorist guy. Outside, WTG gets his buddies to kill everyone in the village - bullets to everyone's head - and then leave.

Superman then comes to rescue Lois. I was like, "Damn, dude, the photographer got killed just now. Where were you, assface?"

Superman would only care about Lois' safety cause she gave him pussy. If Jimmy Olsen was sucking his dick on the side, then maybe Superman would have saved him. But he didn't.

Then we cut to a hearing chaired by Holly Hunter. An African woman was telling them about how Superman brought death to the village because of his actions. The Nairomi Government killed everyone and shit.

Holly Hunter was like, "We will hold Superman accountable for this shit." and the woman was like, "I don't think Assface cares, bitch." And she was right.

Assface was busy fucking Lois in a bathtub scene with Amy Adams showing her half-boobs.

Luthoran Sins

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor was hosting Holly Hunter and that hot chick Mercy and some US Generals. That hot skinny chick, she was Mercy. I didn't know till later. But she's exactly my type.

Anyway, Luthor was like, "I'm an eccentric billionaire and my father used to be poor and I have just the thing to handle this Superman threat - kryptonite. But I need just one thing from the US Government to make sure I can handle Superman."

And everyone was like, "He is asking the US Government for one thing so he could handle Superman. What is it? Some nuclear bombs? A spaceship? Kanye West? Adam West?"

No. Lex Motherfucking Luthor, evil genius, wants a fucking IMPORT PASS. That's right. An IMPORT PASS. For kryptonite.

What?

WHY. THE. FUCK. couldn't you just smuggle the shit? Why ask for an import pass? Why alert the US Government you have found kryptonite? If I was the CIA, I would be like, fuck this shit, I'm taking the kryptonite myself.

Meanwhile, another US Government dude took Luthor to the side and said, "Hey, I can hook you up with anything else."

And THEN Luthor asked for more important stuff. On the side. As an afterthought. He wanted the Kryptonian spaceship the US had, and he wanted Zod's body.

Then we see Luthor slicing off Zod's fingerprints and gluing them on his hands and then using that to open up the spaceship.

Seriously? Kryptonian technology that can travel faster than light, that can terraform entire planets and even bring things back to life, is FOOLED BY PASTED ON FINGERPRINTS? What the fuck, dude? What the fuck?

And the computer was like, "Oh, our archives got access to knowledge from 100,000 worlds and shit."

And Luthor was like, "Teach me, bitch."

And Kryptonian Siri did just that. The knowledge of 100,000 worlds taught in like, 20 minutes.

Dreams and Nightmares

Meanwhile, Batman has turned cruel and Alfred notes this fact, shrugs his shoulders and moves on.

Batman has been getting these dreams. In fact, most of the cool stuff we see in the trailers are just Batman's dreams. Was Zack Snyder trying to audition to be part of Nolan's Inception franchise? There were three or four dream sequences and they didn't go anywhere.

Anyway, Batman needs to get some intel from Luthor's house so he goes to a party organised by Metropolis library or something.

When he taps into Luthor's server room, Clark Kent could hear him talking to Alfred so he tails Bruce very obviously and Bruce Batman Wayne - motherfucking Ninja Batman, didn't even see him. Which is fine, because he's Superman, but then the Man from Krypton gets distracted by... a fucking TV report about a fire somewhere in Mexico?

How does this work, Snyder? I went on a holiday recently and whenever I turn on BBC in the hotel room, all they talk about is some disaster or war or some shitty thing.

You're telling me that Clark Fucking Kent, a journalist, is suddenly distracted by a fucking news story? There are ALWAYS shit going down somewhere. He just decided to get distracted when he was following Bruce because it is convenient.

Anyway, as Supes flies off, Batman gets beaten to the chase to rob Luthor of data by Wonder Woman.

They flirt a little as Supes does all these obligatory Zack Snyder poster shots. Holly Hunter adds into the Superman debate when she is asked by an interviewer - 'must there be a Superman?' Well, the answer to that, according to Zack Snyder must have been - HELL NO!

Because in ALL orf Superman's scenes, it is always people talking TO him. They don't talk with him, he doesn't tell people shit, he just stands or sits there and people just flap their mouths at him.

Lois talks TO him, Ma Kent talks TO him, Luthor talks TO him, Batman talks TO him. And when people are confused or pissed off or afraid of Superman, what did he do? He doesn't come out and say anything.

If Superman just went and said, "Hold up, bitches, I got this shit." the whole entire shitty consequences in the movie would not have been that way. If he had released a Press release, tweeted or instagrammed some shit, people wouldn't have to die.

And people die. By the truckloads. They drop off like flies.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Ah, fuck it, the movie doesn't make sense anyway.

Wandering Woman

So let's get to Wonder Woman.

I love Gal Gadot and think that even though she doesn't have any tits, they should just go with that as an updated version of the ideal feminine beauty in this century. When Wonder Woman was created decades ago, she was a busty amazon because that's the standard of beauty back then. Gal Gadot is the current definition of beauty, so the costume could have been more steamlined and I wouldn't care.

Wonder Woman is also a badass, but here are problems with the character and it is all Zack Snyder's fault.

First up, Wonder Woman has absented herself from our world for close to 100 years. Okay. I get it. Then she resurfaces because... there is a picture of her during WW1. Like, what? There is ONE FUCKING PICTURE and you just resurface to get a DIGITAL COPY of that picture?

What the fuck, Diana?

And then, despite flirting a bit with Bruce Wayne/Batman, Wonder Woman was about to go back into hiding or whatever, when - again - there was a news report about some lightning shit happening in Metropolis.

Then she just ups and appears as Wonder Woman. WHAT. THE. FUCK?

The only thing she knew was that there were some lightning-y shit happening in Metropolis. She didn't know Doomsday was coming out. Assface and Batman weren't fighting Doomsday yet, so why did she almost blew her cover to save their asses?

It makes no fucking sense. Wonder Woman disappeared after WW1. She left us when Hitler was gassing all those people in WW2. She left the world alone when two - TWO - atomic bombs killed thousands of people. She ignored a fucking world war, three to four major wars after that, some sizeable conflicts and multiple genocides, not to mention Zod destroying half of Metropolis 18 months ago ... and she comes back because some lightning-y shit was happening? And it was earlier because of some grainy black and white photo that was digitised and of which an infinite number of copies could be made?

Descent Into Madness

Anyway, I lost where I am because I am so angry. Let's just say Superman, Assface, went to a hearing and a guy who was a former employee of Bruce Wayne and now recruited by Luthor, blew everyone up in the hearing thing setup whatever.

Oh, oh, I forgot. As part of the storyline to make Luthor seem like a super menacing villain, he had an exchange with Holly Hunter. She said some sass to him about "You can take a bucket of piss and call it Granny's Peach Tea but I won't drink it." earlier.

So at the hearing, Holly Hunter saw a jar right on her table, and it was labeled Granny's Peach Tea. And the room blew up. Because of the wheelchair bomb by the former employee, not Granny's Peach Tea, which is urine.

Aw, man. This movie is so horrible, I don't think I'm making sense even to myself anymore.

Anyway, Lois Lane finally figures out that Lexcorp or someone connected to Lexcorp is trying to frame Superman. And that this conspiracy probably figured out that she is connected to Superman, and maybe they figured out that Clark Kent is Superman.

Now, what does she do with this information? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. She met Superman a few times after that and NEVER TELLS HIM this news. WORST. GIRLFRIEND. EVER.

If she just told Superman, maybe send him a text or a Whatsapp, "Hey, man, there are people trying to set you up and they probably know you are Clark Kent, so you maybe would want to keep your loved ones (me and your mother, and Jimmy Olsen - oops, he's dead) safe or something."

Luthor is played as a young billionaire with speech tics. He seems more like The Joker than Luthor. Luthor is Lawful Evil, not Chaotic Evil, dumbass Snyder.

Okay, so after the hearing place thing - some court on capitol hill or whatever, got blown up, Batman steals the Kryptonite from Lexcorp. Oh wait. Hold up.

Before this, Batman found out Luthor was smuggling kryptonite into Metropolis. So what does he do?

1. He fires a huge, HUGE tracker on the truck transporting it. This tracker of course has a big-ass beeping red light on it.

2. He chases the truck in his Batmobile. This is a great action sequence. Would have enjoyed it but it didn't make any fucking sense. If you have a tracker on, why did you have to follow it? And Batman killed a few of the baddies here. I don't really care that Batman kills. Okay, so this version kills people, but he's so un-Batmanlike when he kills. At least show some remorse, bitch.

3. Then Superman just stops his car.

Superman didn't know he was chasing after a truck, didn't check on the truck and did not show any inclination to hunt down Batman but he showed up anyway, ending Batman's chase.

So after that Batman goes home and he sees the tracker showing him that the truck is in Lexcorp research facility or some shit.

In the Lexcorp place, the tracker is still there - still huge, still blinking LOUDLY, and nobody notices a goddamned thing.

So as the Superman hearing got blown up, Bruce Wayne was in his office, seething. He's angry because that dude in the wheelchair has been sending back the cheques he was supposed to have received every month with shit written on it to goad and poke Bruce Wayne.

The writings are all, "Wake up, Bruce Wayne." "You're blind, Bruce Wayne" and "You let your family die."

These letters, these fucking letters written as if it was by The Joker, pushed Batman off the edge so he steals the kryptonite from Lexcorp.

Wait a minute. What?

So all it took, to push Batman to try and kill Superman, was a bunch of letters? This was referenced later in the movie when Luthor admitted to Superman that it was in fact he who sent those cheques back. He wrote those letters and that it was easy to goad Batman into trying to kill Superman.

Batman, the World's Greatest Detective, fooled and manipulated by Luthor using snail mail. We have a Wonder Woman who is concerned about a black and white photo, a Superman who doesn't communicate even though he's a journalist, and a Batman who can be tricked with pen and paper. FUCK YOU SNYDER.

SO anyway, Batman does a training montage. He takes a sledgehammer and pounds on a bus tyre. Now, I think Snyder went to his gym and asked his trainer, "Bro, what's the coolest way to train your upper-body so you'd look like a duck wearing body armour?" "A duck wearing body armour, you say? Take a sledgehammer and pound a bus tyre, bro. That's some hardcore cross-fit shit right there."

Here's a thought - doing any kind of strength training in a short period of time won't increase your strength immediately. It will take time -months or even years, before they bear results. You basically tear your muscles and wait for it to heal - oh whatever.

Batman turns most of the kryptonite into a spear, and the shavings into some sort of kryptonite gas. He makes three 40mm kryptonite-gas grenade or something.

Then he shines his bat signal to the sky, waiting for Superman.

Dead Father

Superman was doing his mopey shit up some mountain somewhere when he had a vision of his dead father. His dumbass dead father who killed himself by not allowing his superpowered son to save him in Man of Steel. But that's another movie. Allow me to UGH! Allow me to say what's wrong with this appearance.

Superman's dad told Superman, "You know, one night it rained so hard the farm almost got flooded. I worked with my dad and we managed to divert the water. Then your grandmother baked me a cake - a hero cake - and I ate it. It was the next day when we found out we diverted the water all right, but it went to Lang's farm. As I was eating my hero cake, their horses were drowning."

Okay, so Superman's dad saved his own farm but in so doing flooded another farmer's land, killing their horses. What's the moral of the story here? What can we learn from this shit parable?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

You save yourself, then other people get fucked? What? So... save myself? Don't save myself? What?

Then Superman's dad, he said that he hears the horses in his dreams every night. I'm surprised that he's not Horseman or some shit because in Snyder's world, anyone traumatised by any animal in his dreams becomes a superhero with that animal's traits.

Superman's father then said the voices of the horses only stopped when he met his wife.

So... sex absolves all guilt? Is this the lesson you're trying to impart? Cause I'm pretty sure sex, while excellent, also comes with it a sense of guilt. SO it doesn't make sense - well, the whole movie doesn't make any sense.

Setting Up The Big Shit

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Luthor and they have a chat before Luthor pushes Lois off his building. Of course, Superman appears whenever Lois is in trouble and saves her. He even kisses her on the ground. No wonder people could figure out your secret identity, Assface. Anyone who has EYES can just deduce that Superman is the dude banging Lois Lane.

And why didn't he save her when she was being kidnapped? Why did he save her only when she is falling off a building?

Superman had his chat with Luthor when Luthor told Superman, "I got your mother." and shows him pictures of her just like The Joker did to Batman and Gordon in The Killing Joke.

So Superman is blackmailed to go fight Batman. Before he does so, he goes to Lois, who was almost in a cab, and they talk.

"I have to get him (Batman) to help me, or I might have to kill him." Said Superman. And then, "Nobody stays good forever."

Dude, you killed people. You personally killed Zod and worse - you allowed thousands of people die. You don't allay the fears of these dumb humans and you don't explain yourself or take the time or trouble to understand delicate situations in Nairomi and everywhere, causing the deaths of lots and lots of people. You are, by all intents and purposes of Zack Fucking Snyder, an asshole - a selfish bastard who causes the loss of life, limb and property. You have NEVER been good.

So anyway, after showing to the cab driver that YES - Superman's secret identity is whoever is banging Lois Lane - Superman flies to Batman.

Setting up The OTHER Big Shit

Just before Superman fights Batman, the movie completely stops for like, 5 minutes as Wonder Woman gets an email from Bruce Wayne. In the email attachment we see files from Lexcorp - they were doing surveillance on meta-humans (members of the Justice League.)

They had their logos and shit!

Apparently, Lex Luthor called up some branding agency or graphic designer or some shit and paid them to create logos for these superheroes. Cyborg had a C and Aquaman had an A and The Flash had a lightning bolt. ANd Wonder Woman had the double Ws. WHAT THE FUCK?

So LEX FUCKING LUTHOR OWNS THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF THE HEROES IN JUSTICE LEAGUE?

It was such a lazy way of shoehorning a promo for the Justice League movie. And such a clumsy way of slotting it in. I don't want a Justice League movie. I don't want anything from the DC cinematic universe.

The Big Shit

Now, Superman could have just said, "Batman, I need your help. Luthor kidnapped my mother." But he didn't did he? He just goes and says meaningless drivel before Batman sets off traps against Superman.

This series of traps could have worked if they showed Batman gave absolutely no chance for Superman to say or do anything. Just one after the other, bam, bam bam. But noooo. The gap between traps is so long, you could fit in another movie inside each one.

One time, Batman sets off a regular smoke bomb and that fucking fooled Superman. Superman, with X-Ray vision, couldn't see through a goddamned smoke bomb.

So anyway, Batman uses kryptonite gas to weaken Superman so he could fight him. Kryptonite gas should just kill Superman, but whatever.

So one time, Batman has Superman on the ground, right? He ties Superman's foot up and goes for a... sink? Batman has a badass Superman-Buster/Kryptonian-Killer armoured suit on, worth at least a bajillion-kajillion dollars, with like, a grandzillion horsepower or some shit - and he just did some sledgehammer on bus tyres crossfit - AND HE REACHES FOR A PUBLIC TOILET SINK? To hit SUPERMAN?

What the fuck is wrong with you, Zack Snyder?

Throw a batarang. Kick his head in. Chokeslam the fucker. A PUBLIC TOILET SINK?

And then... and then we go to the worst part of the movie. The Absolute Worst.

The Absolute Worst Part of Batman v Superman

As Batman was about to drive a kryptonite spear through Superman's chest, Superman Assface says this: "Martha! They're gonna kill Martha!"

He meant Martha Kent, his adopted Earth mother.

Batman was like, "Why'd you say that name?". He raises the spear higher.

And then Lois Lane rushes in and yells, "That's his mother's name!"

And Batman remembers that his own mother's name is Martha - Martha Wayne - and FUCKING THROWS THE SPEAR AWAY AND IMMEDIATELY BECOMES BEST FRIENDS WITH SUPERMAN.

He was all like, "I promise you, man! Martha won't die tonight!"

So here is a man who probably pounded on a bus tyre for 2 years with a sledgehammer, who stole and killed to prepare for killing Superman, and he stopped BECAUSE THEIR MOTHER'S NAMES ARE THE SAME? Are you fucking kidding me?

Of all the stupid things that have been done in all movies in all of human history, there has never been something as stupid as this. Congratulations, Zack Snyder. You have killed Superman, DC and Warner Brothers.

Fuck them and fuck you too.

I just can't go on. I feel so goddamned tired right now.

In Conclusion

BvS is not a Superman movie or a Batman movie. It's not a Justice League movie. In fact, it's not a movie. It is not even a story.

Stories tell you stuff. Reasons why this or that happens. At the very least gives you a chance to figure it out.

Unfortunately, un-fucking-fortunately, none of the things that happened in the movie had any reason for being, none of the characters had any motivation to do anything they did, none of the plot points were introduced or resolved properly.

Here's the thing: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is just a series of posters with absolutely nothing stitching them together. It's bloated and gaudy and stupid.

It is insulting not just to DC fans or comics fans in general - it is a fuck you to general audiences and normal humans as well.

It is clear that Zack Snyder finally had his revenge on Superman. He finally has his emotional and moral as well as creative comeuppance against that robber dressed as Superman who most surely have shot and killed his dog those years ago. Because there is no other explanation for such hatred on Superman and the Superman mythos.

Go fuck yourself, Zack Snyder. May you make more pieces of turd, each worse than the other. And may they bomb at the box office, permanently killing Warner Brothers so we would never EVER have another DC film ever again.


Friday, March 25, 2016

BatMe v SuperMe: Don of Chastise

I watched Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice on Wednesday morning, as part of a Press preview. I then announced on Twitter that I will be doing a review and it will come out in The Malaysian Reserve next week. Could have done it sooner but I wanted to watch it again on Thursday as I really disliked that movie and needed an extra viewing to compose my thoughts.

I wrote the review today and it is ready to be submitted.

The story I want to tell here is what I experienced after I hinted that I disliked the movie. People began to show their displeasure at me. Someone even told me to go and have sex because the lack of fucking is the sole reason I disliked BvS.

I countered by saying that I have had more sex than the average human male would in his lifetime, but that statement was met with derision.

I began to observe that for most humans, if you do not share their views, then you are automatically against it. For example, I don't think people should have children because resources on this planet are not enough and most parents can't afford their children's education funding.

I also do not like children.

This does not mean I will be sneaking into people's houses late at night and slitting their children's throats while they sleep. It also doesn't mean that I actively petition stupid politicians to do a culling of humans in order to conserve Earth's resources - as any Malthusian should. I also don't haul a loudspeaker in front of their homes and shout what I believe in all day, every day.

However, it seems that these primitives only see anyone else as imposing their views upon them, because they do it. Yes, these breeders and people who like BvS want everyone to have the same views as them, or they are trying to convince them that their views are wrong.

Let me assure everyone that I have no interest in the views of others. I like Terminator Genisys, Jurassic World and I loved the hell out of Star Wars The Force Awakens and I have never sought to 'correct' those who do not share the same views. I have no interest in them or their views and I am sad that I have to state this as a fact rather than for it to be understood as a general ground rule.

I am a confirmed bachelor, like Bruce Wayne, but without the money or the PTSD. Or the big dick Ben Affleck is packing. I don't like politicians, I don't like lying and I believe everyone can do their jobs well and/or live their lives without lying.

I believe that we should all be responsible for any child we bring forth to this increasingly warmer planet and also all the horrors the children will face in the next few decades. This includes a potential world war, environmental apocalypse, economic collapse and ultimately - death.

What I believe in is not in any way what I want you to believe. I do not care about you or your beliefs. I am self-absorbed, and therefore only concern myself with what I believe in. Case in point: I only read my own Facebook profile and no one else's.

I think marriage is expensive and unnecessary and have never found anyone worthy of all the trouble. Okay, maybe two girls are worth it - Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. But they, too, will get old and they will die. One day they will say something stupid or tell a lie and that's it - attraction gone.

I consider all humans to be inferior, but that does not mean I see myself as superior. Humans are just fucked up flawed lying idiots. So if you'll keep yourselves away from me, I'd be much obliged.

And so, I end this with BvS sucks!

P/S: Buy my book! Click on this link!


Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Lies


Caption: PICTURE IS UNRELATED

So some time ago, I found myself in a bar in Pattaya with a girl making googly eyes at me. I had rung the bell at the bar, which means that I bought everyone a round of drinks. Since there were only five people at the bar, this came to five drinks at a very affordable THB500 (RM50).

So I was fretted upon. They fussed over me, making sure I had fresh coasters for my orange juice - my Jaka Denial days behind me - because I kept tearing them apart. Carlsberg or Tiger coasters, when wet, can easily be picked with fingernails.

Anyway, we got into a conversation. I began telling the girl of my rambunctious exploits in the world of Malaysian cinema.

Me: And then I told the director that I thought the voice over was horrible... and later found out it was HIS voice!

She laughed. She then proceeded to tell me her story - about how she came from the village and got a job in Pattaya and is now saving up for a trip to Europe.

Girl: I lie!

I fixed my gaze directly into her eyes. I hate liars and I was stunned as to why she would lie about going to Europe.

Me: I don't lie.

She looked perplexed. The other people at the bar - a mamasan and a ladyboy waiter - began coming to her aid, checking up on me and offered me another drink, on the house.

The girl's lower lips were trembling as she said,

Girl: But I lie you! I lie you too mutt!

Me: Ah, I said. I like you too.

Monday, February 1, 2016

The Persistence of Dickery

Evil is comical, I must assure you.

I have seen, in recent weeks, a millionaire dangling a job in front of another millionaire, thinking the other guy is some sort of urchin trying to beg for money.

In fact, the first millionaire - Millionaire A - might have less money than Millionaire B. Millionaire B just sat there, quietly, and watched all this with a bemused look on his face.

I was also dangled a lot of things in front of my face by people who think I desire anything. Jobs, pussy, money. They think I operate like they do. Like I don't know which hole they came from. Because I've been to that hole before.

My ego, of course, started jumping up and down.

"You DARE dangle anything in front of me? ME? The Greatest Mind of the 21st Century?"

But... it is correct to simply sit and see these performers jump from one leg to the next, thinking he's such a great intellect and how everyone is beneath him.

My ego sensed their egos and wanted to jump. This is my training, to sit down quietly. To not react.

In Pendekar Laut (Tigershark) comics published originally by Ocean Creative or whatever, Pai Zonan went to an asylum to train his patience.

I feel like Zonan, even though I have always hated that character. Sang Elektron - Tony Loy - was more my style. A man who took on the entire universe. He died, of course.

Righteous Bothers

One of the biggest Intellectual Property rights gossip in the animation industry where one party had all their IP practically robbed, elicited this comment from someone: "I spoke to them, and they learned a lot from the experience."

She was trying to sell this regretful occurrence as something good for everyone.

It's like saying, "Oh, that girl got raped, and she learned A LOT from that."

I've been approached by more and more people with greed in their eyes these days. It sickens me. Almost as much as people who lie to me. I keep my memory pristine. I remember each and every lie, every attempt at manipulation.

I don't take it personally, of course. Maggots would eat any corpse. You just have to keep moving so they don't crawl up your ass.

My ego sometimes flares up. "How dare you try to lie and/or cheat ME? I am the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century! The Destroyer of Worlds! With a wave of my hand, I will destroy everything! And you will gaze upon me - beautiful and terrible to behold on a landscape of ashes."

And then half an hour later, the anger passes as actions and plans form and require attention. Rather unfortunate because none of this is necessary. But it is.

We have so many horror stories about robbed IPs in this country that it would be extremely stupid not to learn from them and take steps to make sure it never happens again. IPs on their own are not worth much, unless significant effort is put into them, but the rights of creators will be protected, come hell or high water.


Unnecessary Evil

I don't understand it.

For most of the evil I see being committed around me, they are usually totally unnecessary. If one had stayed honest and true, and not overcome by stupid greed, everything would be fine.

Unfortunately, here we are. And even bigger evil is done if these are allowed to fester.

All one can do, though, is to protect one's self and whenever possible, to stop evil from happening.

It's nice to know that with one well-placed word, evil can be stopped.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Negotiations

Here's what you need in order to negotiate properly:

1. Buddhism.

Leave any desire out the door. This means no expectations, no dreams, no goals. Let it all go. The opposing party would want to exploit any and all desires you have.

For example, a lot of women believe I want to fuck them. Around 12 years ago, this was true. I wanted to fuck all women.

Then I went to Thailand and trained under the Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud. I realised that sex is only RM50. So any kind of the most debased fetish-filled fucking is only worth two cab rides to work.

I am sex-proof, in the nerdiest way possible.

Then, they think you'd want money. They think you want THEIR money.

After the heart attack in 2014, I realised that money is not everything and I mean that in the most non-cynical way. In fact, the greed or desire for money will make you lose money. Only when you allow money to come to you would you be able to make any significant financial progress.

2. Realise that you are not a slave and can walk away at any time

"You don't have to be nowhere forever" - Delirium, The Sandman Comics.

If things don't happen, or happen, the world will not stop spinning, and I mean that in the way galaxies spin or maybe the universe spins. I don't know that shit.

3. Finding true happiness is finding true wealth

If money or sex is no issue, and we have an over-abundance of food, then what is true wealth?

True wealth is time and happiness. The time to allow yourself to be happy. Happiness doesn't come from others or from things or from circumstances. Happiness is an absence of desire.

Let go of everything and be the wealthiest man alive. Or dead. Nobody cares.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Hal Hal Bosan Berunding Dengan Penerbit/Stesen TV

Kepada penulis skrip, biasanya korang akan bercakap dengan penerbit atau stesen TV untuk jual skrip ko. Ini aku senaraikan beberapa benda yang diorang biasa cakap dan bagaimana ko boleh jawab.

Sebelum itu, beberapa cadangan:

1. Tinggalkan dunia produksi.

Rezeki di tangan Tuhan, bukan di tangan industri yang dangkal ini. Pergilah cari kerja lain. Mula berniaga ke, mintak derma keluarga diraja Arab Saudi ke.

2. Lepaskan nafsu untuk melihat karya ke layar

Dunia takkan berhenti berpusing kalau karya ko masuk TV atau masuk panggung. Lepaskan nafsu ini, demi mendapat kekuatan dalam rundingan. Lepaskan semua nafsu lain untuk beroleh kekuatan rohani yang tidak terkalah.

3. Semua orang penipu

Jangan percaya sesiapa pun.

Okay, sekarang kita beralih ke dialog biasa bersama penerbit.

1. "Ko buatlah projek ni untuk exposure. Boleh letak dalam CV ko. Jadi, harga ko tak payah tinggi sangat sekarang, nanti naikkan kadar bayaran ko, bila ko dah power nak mampus."

Terjemahan: "Jadilah hamba abdi kepada kami dengan bayaran seperti kena rogol kat lubang jubur."

Bila ada penerbit cakap camni, bangun dari kerusi dan mula berjalan ke kereta/stesen LRT/motor. Start motor, blah dan jangan sekali-kali toleh ke belakang. Kalau ko toleh, ko akan nampak pernbit tadi jadi hantu penanggal nak isap darah ko.


2. "Kitorang takleh bayar ko lebih atau bagi ko percentage sebab stesen TV yang menindas kitorang dan ambik semua hak."

Terjemahan: "Kalau ko berani, pergile saman stesen TV yang ada lawyer ramai gila tu. Ini bukan salah aku, walaupun aku perdulittaik pasal hak ko. Aku nak duit je. Ko boleh pergi mampus la."

Kalau dia cakap macam ni, ko terus book flight ke Siam, ko jadi hamba abdi pengupas udang. Sesungguhnya hidup sebagai hamba abdi pengupas udang mungkin lebih baik daripada jadi penulis skrip.

3. "Ko kena paham, kitorang dah keluarkan duit. DUIT! Ko paham tak kitorang dah keluarkan DUIT? Kitorang buat suatu kerja yang murni sebab melaburkan sesuatu yang kau takda."

Terjemahan: "Dengan nama Ringgit Malaysia yang Maha Hebat lagi Maha Kacak. Tiadalah Tuhan melainkan Ringgit Malaysia."

Sebenarnya, usaha dan idea kau sebagai penulis juga satu pelaburan dan satu aset. Masa yang kau sumbang untuk membuat apa-apa juga ada nilai. Dan duit stesen TV atau syarikat penerbitan bukanlah istimewa sangat sebab kau boleh dapatkan duit yang sama, mungkin dalam jumlah lebih banyak, kat tempat lain.

Dan sememangnya biasa untuk syarikat atau individu melaburkan duit ke dalam sesuatu projek untuk mendapatkan sebahagian daripada pulangan, biasanya bukan SEMUA pulangan. Jadi melaburkan duit bukanlah benda yang macam makhluk asing merogol anjing di lubang jubur di tengah hari.

4. "Kitorang je yang melabur dalam produksi tempatan. Kitorang je yang membela nasib produksi tempatan."

Terjemahan: "Hisaplah kote kami."

SEBENARNYA, semua stesen TV perlukan pengisian tempatan. Local content. Kalau kau ada data penyiaran, rangkaian yang menyiarkan pengisian antarabangsa (kalau ditolak bolasepak), angkanya agak kecil.

Aku kira-kira bodoh yang content antarabangsa di TV menarik lebih kurang 300-500 ribu orang sahaja. Netflix ke Malaysia, hanya relevan untuk beberapa ratus ribu orang.

Rangkaian TV yang menyiarkan pengisian tempatan pula mencecah angka penonton berjuta. Sebab itu Netflix/iFlix pun sudah mula mencari rancangan tempatan, begitu juga HBO Asia atau apa-apa yang lain.

Masa depan SEMUA stesen TV ialah pengisian tempatan. Oleh itu, pengeluar pengisian tempatan sebenarnya memegang telur semua orang dalam tangan.

Alihkan semua pengisian tempatan sama ada ke Netflix/iFlix atau mana-mana syarikat yang mahu bertapak di Malaysia, dan secara perlahan-lahan (5-15 tahun), kita akan lihat kehancuran.

Juga, alihkan semua pengisian tempatan ke platform lain seperti YouTube dan jual di situ. Adalah tidak mustahil, pada hari ini, untuk menjual pengisian di platform Internet dan meraih jutaan ringgit. Bukan bermaksud senang - boleh tekan butang dan tetiba jadi kaya, tetapi ini hanya salah satu saluran untuk usaha.

Dengan wujudnya ASEAN Economic Community (AEC) dan perjanjian TPPA, pengeluar pengisian tempatan atau pengisian rantau dalam posisi yang agak baik.

AEC membuka pasaran kepada Asia Tenggara yang ada setengah billion penduduk. Belum ada mana-mana entiti atau individu yang mengusahakan platform pengisian yang mampu menangkap pasaran ini, tetapi aku fikirkan hanya perlu tunggu dalam 5 tahun untuk sesuatu seperti YouTube berbayar rantau Asia Tenggara.

Entiti pengisian seperti HBO Asia dan studio pengisian dan pengedaran seperti Legendary pun sudah mula melabur dalam local content dan online content. Sesetengah projek itu sudah menjana keuntungan berpuluh juta dolar US dengan kos yang rendah.

Kita sekarang berada pada titik pusingan kuasa untuk pengisian, apabila dunia sudah mula melangkah ke alam baru. Apa yang aku impikan pada 30 tahun yang lalu dan apa yang aku hadapi 10 tahun yang lampau sudah banyak berubah.

Mari kita lihat apa akan jadi dalam gerak perlahan.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Hal-Hal Bosan Penulisan Skrip

Aku nak korang baca email Alfie Palermo kepada Ketua Pengarah Finas ni.

Alfie menyuarakan kebenaran. Selama ini, penulis skrip di Malaysia secara keseluruhannya dilayan seperti hamba abdi pengupas kulit udang di Siam.

Semasa FINAS membuat kenyataan bahawa industri ketandusan skrip yang bagus, hal sebenarnya ialah penjanaan skrip tidak dibuat oleh penulis skrip, tetapi oleh penerbit.

Penerbit fikir skrip jenis rempit buat backflip atas lori sambil Whatsapp "Ucux nx tmn qaw bt ittew" boleh jual dan paksa penulis skrip tulis. Ini antara sebab banyak filem tempatan kalau kau tulis skrip pun, rasa malu nak bagitau orang kau yang tulis.

Untuk mereka yang bergantung sepenuhnya kepada penulisan skrip, pilihan yang ada biasanya ialah: tulis cerita merapu dalam jangkamasa yang amat terhad sebab penerbit nak buat duit sebanyak mungkin, atau mati kebuluran.

Sebab inilah aku tidak pernah menjadikan penulisan skrip sebagai mata pencarian utama aku. Aku bernasib baik. Ramai lagi penulis skrip yang tahu mereka buat kerja bodoh, tapi buat je pasal berdepan kebuluran.

SEMUA rintihan artis atau krew, pasal takde simpanan, insurans, KWSP, penerbit lari, bayar lambat atau tak bayar langsung, juga berlaku kepada penulis skrip.

Makin teruk lagi, penulis skrip juga tiada kuasa dalam menentukan integriti kreatif karya mereka, tetapi selalu dipersalahkan kalau pelakon tak reti berlakon, pengarah jenis ketua kampung melawat kawasan atau penerbit jenis melompat tak tentu pasal dan tak paham yang dia takde taste dan tak layak menentukan halatuju kreatif apa-apa industri, hatta industri katalog barang pencuci tandas.

Bukan semua penerbit bodoh piang, tetapi cukup ramai untuk menjadikan ini satu masalah. Bukan salah diorang je, tapi salah satu industri. Penulis skrip sendiri pun sebahagian masalah ni, kadang-kadang sebab taknak bersatu sokong bila ada penulis yang berani seperti Alfie Palermo yang memperjuangkan sesuatu yang perlu.

Aku kata Alfie berani sebab aku boleh maki sebab aku tak bergantung pada kerja daripada mana-mana syarikat penerbitan atau penerbit. Aku pernah tolak tawaran syarikat gergasi nak beli skrip aku dan diorang terperanjat. Aku pedulittaik? Aku nak pegang hak untuk buat komik berdasarkan skrip filem aku dan itu pun diorang tak bagi, pasal diorang nak pegang semua rights. Jadi aku bagitau diorang, diorang boleh fuck off and die.

Alfie bergantung sepenuhnya pada penulisan skrip. Sebab dia bersuara dengan lantang, ada kemungkinan dia akan disenaraihitamkan oleh sesetengah syarikat atau penerbit. Seruan Alfie agar kita mengikut Writers Guild of America (WGA), selaras dengan negara ini menandatangani TPPA ialah sesuatu yang hanya akan memperkasakan industri filem. Tetapi harganya mungkin mahal untuk Alfie.

WGA menjamin:

1. Hak menentukan kredit dalam mana-mana produksi.

SEMUA kredit di US atau mana-mana negara maju yang bertamadun, tak ditentukan oleh editor atau pengarah mahupun penerbit. Mereka hanya menghantar cadangan kredit kepada WGA yang akan menentukan siapa dapat kredit apa.

Ini menghalang mana-mana pengarah tak sekolah yang meletakkan nama mereka sebagai penulis lakonlayar dan penulis skrip sebagai 'penulis skrip' sebab FFM ada anugerah hanya untuk penulis lakonlayar dan bukan penulis skrip. Malaysia ialah satu-satunya negara yang aku tahu tidak memberi kredit lakonlayar kepada penulis skrip, sebaliknya kepada pengarah. Tak dibuat dek orang, ko tau?

2. 3++% across the board

Penulis skrip dapat 3++% across the board untuk semua duit yang dapat kepada sesuatu IP menerusi apa-apa platform. Ini gross, bukan nett.


3. Menjamin semua hak yang lain

Banyak sangat nak tulis.

Sebab dah ada orang macam Alfie, aku memutuskan untuk kembali daripada persaraan untuk menulis skrip balik, tetapi aku bersumpah:

1. Aku hanya akan tulis skrip kalau aku dapat sekurang-kurangnya apa yang WGA jamin. Ini bermakna aku akan tulis skrip yang hakciptanya aku boleh pegang, atau sekurang-kurangnya 3% of gross revenue across all platforms.

ATAU

2. Aku dibayar dengan lumayan untuk menulis skrip. Lumayan bagi aku dalam lingkungan RM40,000-100,000 untuk satu skrip filem.

3. Kedua-dua syarat di atas bergantung pada pengehadan bilangan draf kepada 3 (nak rewrite lelebih, aku caj) dan terma bayaran yang mengikut cadangan Alfie (pergi baca seruan dia).

Sekarang ni aku tulis skrip komik Nafiri pada hujung minggu dan waktu lapang, juga mula menulis benda lain kalau jalan. Semuanya aku pegang IP/hakcipta. Kau boleh ambil hak aku bila kau bunuh aku dan banish roh aku ke neraka.