Thursday, April 23, 2015

The Initiative

Today was a busy day. I went to three places all over town. I even fell asleep in the cab.I used to be able to go to six places and then still have energy to party. It is clear to me that my powers have waned.

And so, as I sat down and listened to a spoken book review at a launch, something clicked inside me and I decided to resurrect yet another save the world project.

Months ago, I conceived an idea to do a Kickstartr-like website to crowd-fund medical treatment for poor people who can't afford it.

Two things happened to make me see this is a need in today's world. First, when I was warded last August, there was a guy who needed an angioplasty. The cost is around RM10,000. He  received RM5,000 from the Welfare Department and was expected to fork out the rest.

He had no insurance, no visible means of income, no sukuk or whatever the fuck. If he didn't have the money, he might have to just walk it off.

Meanwhile, I see a lot of people sharing Facebook postings and Twitter posters on this or that patient requiring financial aid. I always doubt these things and I always wonder whether they are cons. Is there any way of knowing, for sure?

SO.

I decided that the best way is to institutionalise these calls for aid. All funds MUST be channeled through the hospital or a foundation. The cases must be reviewed by the hospital and the Welfare Department for fears of paying for some rich guy pretending to be poor's health bills. Everything must be legit and transparent.

I'm putting together a proposal to get the hospital on board - so far I have people inside who can send it through the proper channels. What I need right now is costing - I need to find out how much the website will cost.

After the platform details are sorted, we need to look at continuous implementation. The hospital should take ownership of this. There has to be synergy between the hospital, the Welfare Department and volunteers.

This initiative cannot work without volunteers. We'd need people to take pictures, write the cases on the websites and then publish them on the website.

I already have the online spread thing figured out, more or less.

But now, of utmost importance, is I need to know how much the platform is going to cost. I need to speak to coders and web designers keen to do a charity project. Who wants to listen to my pitch?


Rapid Psychosis

"Chicks really dig people with a lot of mental problems," said a friend. "You're a mess. That's very hot."

I was like, really? I mean, I'm not a mess, psychologically. My awareness of my mental state and other people's mental conditions means it is very difficult for me to feel extreme sadness or be very happy with people.

I understand that ultimately, all that I feel are caused by my own self. This dulls any emotion, except anger and frustration.

My father has only two emotions - angry and angrier. I am fast becoming like him, and I fear if I live long enough, I would know extreme frustration.

But seriously - chicks dig psychosis? I do not tolerate lying, but maybe highlighting some insecurities and potential problems would position me as a more attractive prospect. Of course, the moody and brooding Vincent Valentine, Kyo the Samurai and Gray Fullbuster all have mental problems and they are chick magnets.

For example, I am extremely insecure about my intelligence. A quick assessment at my childhood, growing up as the fat kid made me struggle with the stereotype of the stupid fat kid. Meanwhile, in my household, the attribute that is most coveted is intelligence, outstripping wisdom, strength, defence, magic power, agility, or any other attribute.

Would my insecurities be much more alluring than my strengths and happiness? Because as it is right now, I am quite happy. I don't go skipping around or prancing about in tights or anything, but I am quite sated. Even my heart disease means I will not live for very long - and I loathe living a long life.

I want to die when I should. Around 40-50 or so.

Anyway, long story short, I shared my insecurities and my inability to see anything other than shallowness in human interaction. Because only I see the real truth, and that is a burden rather than a gift.

And so I highlighted my insecurities. These are real - I don't believe in lying. I just omitted the fact that I am fully aware of myself and my insecurities.

"What the fuck?" said the girl.

"Well, you're supposed to fix me."

"I won't fix people," she said.

And so it ends. My insecurities are worthless. Probably because I am not that insecure since I have accepted them long ago.

Perhaps I should be sadder. But I am not. It's really difficult to brood when all my current day-to-day problems are not that dire and all the drama I face are more mellow and inconsequential than any of the stuff I faced before.

I think I'll just enjoy being happy.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Hell and Back

So I went back to my hometown. Had to do some family stuff.

One of them is to see my father. His condition is deteriorating, though he remains an obstinate old man. I wonder, though, how would I turn out when I'm older?

I hope I have the strength to let go of stuff when the time comes.


Monday, April 6, 2015

The Long Intermission

So much has happened in the past few weeks.

I was recommended for another angioplasty, where they put balloons in my heart and then reinforce the damn thing with wires but I got a second opinion from a Wind Elemental Doctor and he told me I shouldn't get it.

Angioplasties have risks - you could die during one due to ruptured arteries or have visible boners that would scare off hot nurses - and there is no clear benefit for me to spend around 22K on the procedure. I have insurance, of course, but I'm saving that in case I come down with something worse.

So, I decided not to. I'm sure the doctors who advised me to get another angioplasty believed that I could benefit from it, but I will go with the recommendation of the second doctor.

I am off Warfarin - the fucking rat poison - so I can now eat green leafy vegetables again, as well as cranberries and soy products. I'm taking my supplements and I find I have more energy at times. Sometimes I do feel fatigued - I often fall asleep in car rides.

I have maintained my weight loss but I need to step it up to lose a further 10kg. I was considering hard drugs but I guess a high fibre diet will do.

Work is progressing and I hope to move forward with some things in April.

Meanwhile, Maple Comics is growing from strength to strength. I spent some time with nerds and found them to be filled with either neutral or good energy. Wait till you get into the corporate world, kids - it will crush your soul!

I am now planning a card game to go with the comics we're publishing. I hope it will be popular and I can focus on selling comics and cards. It will take a year or two to design the mechanics and print the cards and organise tournaments.

Back home in Kuantan, my father's condition is deteriorating. I hope he doesn't suffer, but the old man is tough and he will always decide whether he suffers or not, on his own. He defied science for over 30 years and he continues to beat the odds. Doctors told him he had a few years to live around 34 years ago and he's still alive.

He had four strokes and he's still kicking. The men in my family are extremely hard to kill.

I've also been asked to read the doa for a family event back home. Leaving for that middle of this week. Yeah, I'm THAT old now. I get to do old men stuff, like lead prayers or some shit.

More girls would be sucking my dick if I turned religious, but I will die as I lived - real to the end. I'm not religious at all and I find all religions to be fascinating bunch of stories and tales.

Some people tried to dangle stuff in front of me. Pussy, money, power, position. I find no desire in having any of the things offered. I said no so many times these past few weeks.

What I want, I already have. Freedom. Time. A bunch of real friends.

I don't need much. Just want to pay my bills and live a quiet life, waiting for death. I don't need to prove myself to anyone or anything because what needs to be proven already has.

I am what I am. Perfect. Flawed. Whatever. I no longer feel the need to convince anyone of anything. You are all stupid anyway. In my short life, I have only ever met two guys who are smarter than me. One of them is myself and the other is not you.

So fucking busy these days. My illness is currently manageable and I hope to slowly push forward and get to the level I was before. I need to be able to do 400%, and then relax. Because the point of going 400% capacity is so I would no longer have to.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Comics N Toys Geek Fest 2015

So last weekend, I was at the Comics and Toys Geek Fest 2015 at Jaya Shopping Center.

Had a blast. Maple Comics sold a bunch of comics (we now have enough to print bags and receipts by June), but we were really there for two other things:

1. Awareness

- Need to get the brand name out, man! This is to get more submissions from Malaysian artists and to engage the public in what we do. The more our comics get noticed, the better it will be.

2. Connecting with artists

- We ALWAYS, ALWAYS need more artists working on projects. Keeps the fire burning and ensures a steady supply line. Right now, we have between 10-20 projects in progress. We don't know which ones will get finished first, if any, and we'd love to initiate more.

What I didn't count on was the fact that there are so many awesome hoomans at the thing. I live in a very serious and whiny corporate world of intrigue and espionage, with murder around every corner. So it was nice to be surrounded by young people who had my enthusiasm 16 years ago.

Now I'm the old man, talking about shit I had to go through. "Back in my day, CF was at Dewan MCA, man! And it was just a few tables with thin tablecloths. People come, buy shit and then leave. PATHETIC! And look at it now - a large marketing behemoth with whatever."

Nobody gave a shit about politics or whatever. They just made lewd, not-so-funny jokes and puns about lightsabers being an analogy for dicks. It was dumb and spectacular at the same time.

Also met some cute cosplayers and volunteers. I'd probably take maybe two of them out for dinner.

Anyway, it was a refreshing change from corporate whatever and hospitals I've been to the past several months.
Thanks to all the organisers, Andrew Tan, Batcave, Lil' Monsters, Kalleon (Kaleon?) Rahan, Heng Kok, all the volunteers, etc, etc and whoever I forgot to mention.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Second Opinions and CTGF 2015

I spent the weekend at the Comics N Toys Geek Fest 2015, Jaya Shopping Center. It was a blast as I relaxed and sold some comics. Made some friends and generally experienced the robust geek culture. A refreshing change to the corporate world and the multi-layered bleeding edge of communications consultancy.

Previously, in last week's whatever, I saw the cardiologist who handles my follow-up checks. He recommended I get another angioplasty, scheduled tomorrow (Tuesday).

Since then, I have consulted three other doctors and today have made the decision not to go for angio. The procedure will clear the vessel to a part of my heart that is already dead - the part that cares for any human. An angioplasty would carry its own risks and since the benefits are iffy at best, I was advised not to take it, for fear of complications or risks that could lead to my death or whatever.

The good news is that my cardiologist told me I could stop taking Warfarin. Yes! This means I can eat vegetables again. Green leafy vegetables, soy products, cranberries, and all sorts of berries... as soon as the meds clear out of my system, which is probably a week or two from now.

I also met some very smart people who suggested that the limitations I have been experiencing with my body after the heart attack could have been psychological. The opinion is unqualified, of course, but merits some digging into. I will see a psychologist this week for a rudimentary, informal, unofficial diagnosis.

I found that after the heart attack, I have less energy. Where in the past, I could work till 4am, sleep for two hours then wake up, do a proposal and present by 9am, nowadays I get tired at 6pm. I was once lightheaded at 4pm, feeling almost faint.

It could be a combination of my new diet - limited in high-calorie foodstuff, my intense exercise regime and my heart's reduced capacity. I also feel cold nowadays. Previously, it takes a lot to do that as I was always warm - perfect for baking bread.

What it means is I was operating at half-capacity all this while. In the past, I could go to 400% but now, a mere 50%, which is pathetic. Still better than everyone else, but if you want to commit to several different projects at the same time, you'd need to step into high gear now and again.

I need more info on that, so no use thinking about it now.

Anyway, will do a proper post on CTGF later. Right now, I have to inform my bosses that I won't be going for the procedure and will be in the office tomorrow.




Monday, March 9, 2015

Happy Birthday To Me

There. It's after 12. I survived my 35th birthday.

I'm still alive, though around six months ago, that was an iffy proposition. Some might think I'm being overly dramatic, so fuck you. I don't give a fuck.

Almost six months ago, I was lucky to be alive after a heart attack that took 1/3 of my heart. That part is dead and will never recover. So no, you can't really recover from a heart attack. Not really. You learn to lie with it, cope with it. Try to teach your body to compensate for the reduced ability.

I am thankful for the heart attack as I have benefited from it in several ways.

First, I don't want to live that long. This illness shortened my life span considerably and I am now on track to die in my 40s, if not earlier. I have been preparing for death since I was 17 and I know what I really don't want in life - to be old and suffer the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet in time.

I have been insecure about my intelligence and memory since I was a very young person. If I were to still be alive at say, 70++, I am not sure whether I would have full control of my faculties.

Some people cling desperately to life as much as they cling desperately to anything. Whatever, man. I don't give a fuck. I believe that life is to be lived during our lifetime, no more, no less. When it's my time to go, it's my time to go.

I am scared of certain illnesses and conditions such as paralysis, dementia, Alzheimer's, Huntington's (which I don't have, I think. Thank God), Gehrig's disease, sarcoidosis and a bunch of other things. Death is not the least desirable outcome.

If I were to die in the coming months, know that I am happy to pass on before I get too old or sick to see existence as other than suffering.

I have stayed away from relationships and family precisely so that I don't have anything anchoring me to this world. And at the end of everything, I want my freedom.

Another thing the heart attack brought me was this clear realisation that I can discard people and things from my life. The liars, abusers, the hollow people - gone. Things that give me grief or are not my responsibility in the first place, things that are not my mess - gone. Thank you, or fuck you, but goodbye one and the same.

I have a renewed appreciation for time. I don't want to waste time on frivolous things or frivolous people. If you are stupid, hollow, delusional or simply annoying to me, take yourself - your whole entire stupid being - and shove it up your own asshole.

I'm streamlining my life for ease of passage. Like an intestine-friendly piece of turd that slides right out of the shithole and into the afterlife that is a flush down the hell of plumbing.


Sunday, February 22, 2015

Messiah Complex: Great Expectations

I went back to Kuantan for CNY and was immediately stressed out. After a mere six hours, I blew up.

I saw my father in his state. He's survived a number of strokes and is now more or less wheelchair-bound. He's frustrated and I can relate to that. I understand. His condition puts enormous pressure on my mother and other family members.

At its core, I can totally relate to my father's frustration. Even at my relatively young age, I can only do so much. And in recent months, I have witnessed some of my big plans laid waste and some of my great expectations come to dust.

I am no longer an important man. In fact, I was never an important man. I am nothing, really, and though I understand that and all its implications, I still had trouble accepting it.

I still have a superhero complex and with my illness, I can't do what I did before, how I did it. Work myself to death till miracles start coming out of my ass. Seriously. The past 12 years of working resulted in many results that to me were probably pure dumb luck, in hindsight.

I have reached the top of certain disciplines and have managed achievements some could only dream of or lie in their resumes. But those things are the past. The present is much more modest. I do not hold the fate of millions on my shoulders and nothing I do really matters.

I did not realise how great this is. I mean, I don't want to be responsible for that shit. Fuck that, man. I'm happy being inconsequential and taking care of small things within my limited realm. If some fuckers were to betray me or backstab me, the stakes are very low and nobody's going to die. Nations will not crumble due to a tiny mistake I do, and that's a relief.

In fact, I have lived a charmed life and continue to be extremely lucky. There are people who have been very kind to me and rather than focus on backstabbers and people who don't know they're heading towards destruction, I would much rather spend my limited time left on this earth with those who matter.

Seeing my father struggle at the twilight of his life really stressed me out, but I understand that there is not much I can do for him. I can't save him, I can't fix him. I can't even reprogramme or control what happens or the people around him.

I can only listen to his grouses and stories. I told him about my condition in stark, brutal honesty - how according to some studies, I have only a few years left to live, but the jury's out with my new lifestyle I adopted in response. If I had known he would be lucid enough during this trip, I would not have been so direct.

He was concerned and even offered me some money to cover for my medical cost. That's very sweet considering I am paying for his meds every month - it's the least I could do. My father doesn't have enough funds to get him through this time in his life.

My father remains frustrated every day. He can't control his surroundings and his body. He stubbornly refuses to use the wheelchair sometimes and insists on walking (barely being able to do so) and refuses to acknowledge his own illnesses.

I watch him, and I think, selfishly, "Will I suffer through the same ordeal as I get older?" In his position, I would have asked for death. I can only imagine what he goes through.

So, again selfishly, I am so grateful that I have what I have. I am grateful that I don't have to deal with all the bullshit I had to deal with and the people I had to deal with last time. Nowadays, I only do things I want to do and as soon as I allow myself to do that, the universe also follows suit.

I am nothing, and in this nothingness, I am glad and happy.

So yeah, I believe going through all that stress - intense pressure - at home with my family, seems necessary. Especially now that I'm back in KL, on my primum mobil.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Mortal Kombat!

Fuck, man. I was sick for two whole fucking weeks.

The flu got me the first week, but I kept on going for assignments anyway. My boss told me to stay home, but I didn't.

On Thaipusam, I decided to go to the gym. I thought I could bully the tail end of the flu by working out and doing what I always do to fight off a flu - ignoring it.

It used to be, I would recover from a flu in a matter of hours. This time, though, after I completed a hellish workout session, I got even worse. I'm too old for this shit.

I went home and my temperature just shot up. I was worried that I got dengue, the remnants of a PSA on RTM lingered in my mind. Fever that comes and goes, for longer than two weeks, and all that.

If I had dengue, it would decrease my platelet count. I'm already on two types of anti-platelets and one anti-coagulant due to my heart condition. Dengue could kill me.

So I went to the hospital and had my blood tested. It wasn't dengue. It's just a flu that my body found difficult to get rid of because I dunno why.

The only thing that worked was lots of rest. I spent two days mostly asleep, and felt better each time. I went through 7 boxes of tissue (225 sheets each) in two weeks. I was - at the peak of my illness - sneezing blood.

Today, I think I don't need those boxes of tissue anymore. So I'm going to work tomorrow. I went to all these assignments and I haven't written the stories yet. I haven't chased after some PR people for photos and shit. I work with stringers now and I need to pass them loads of information.

Work looms like a spectre.

Added to that, I am handling my comic book company and we just got featured in Sunday Mail and The Malay Mail Online, after The Sun and The Edge earlier.

During my flu spell, I was meeting up with artists and stuff, Cause you need a lot of prep work before a comic book can come out.

Good news is, I think I'm ready to go for all these things. I'm gonna go out soon and check out sales of the comics at SACC for Pesta Buku Selangor.

I hope the bloody flu stays away. Like, forever.

Anyway, I think I'm good to go. Bring it on.


Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Fucking Flu and Other Stories.

Finally. I think I'm recovering nicely from the flu that got me last week.

I was ready to go to the hospital because I was sneezing up blood. That's bad considering I'm already on three types of blood thinners - two types of anti-platelets (Plavix and aspirin) and one anti-coagulant (warfarin).

If I had contracted dengue fever, a condition that reduces platelet count, I would have been at risk for brain hemorrhaging or whatever.

The sneezing of blood sounds more dramatic than it really was - basically I was sneezing up phlegm that had some traces of blood in it. Quite a bit, but not dripping with blood. And tonight, the bleeding stopped.

Furthermore, I exhibited none of the symptoms of brain hemorrhaging - no dizzy spells, no headaches, etc.

The flu almost incapacitated me anyway. I treat it like I treat any other flu viruses - I ignored it and I avoided people. When you're infected, you should quarantine yourself.

I didn't stop going for assignments, though I did let up on writing. This week proved to be filled with a variety of events, interviews and other things.

This is the kind of thing you watch out for when you're on some types of dangerous medication. Warfarin was, at one point, rat poison. The six types of meds I'm on for my heart condition meant I have to be extra vigilant and educate myself constantly. I fucking read fucking medical journals.

For example, recently I started eating blue cheese because a study in Norway suggested that blue cheese such as Roquefort, danish blue and soft cheeses such as Camembert have these anti-inflammatory things that are good for the heart.

I just have to ensure the saturated fat doesn't kill me, so everything in moderation, to achieve the desired balance.

Some friends have asked about losing weight and my take on it is simple:

1. Portioning

Regardless of what you eat, you have to control the portions. This requires a lot of self-control. If you don't have it, you're doomed to being fat and sick.

2. Choice

You need to choose the right food. I go for high fibre most of the time. I don't eat fast food or anything too salty, too oily, too sweet or too stupid.

3. Timing

I don't eat past 10pm, unless I did not have dinner on that day, which is rare. I sleep at 12 or so.

And then there's exercise. I couldn't exercise this week because of my flu. Fucking flu.

Anyway, the second comic book by Maple Comics is out and it looks better than I expected.

Two dear friends are getting married this weekend and I have to find their wedding gift tomorrow.

But first, some rest. I need to recuperate from this goddamn flu.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Flu Fighter: Two Crazy Days

So I went for my cardiac stress test yesterday. Previously, I reached level 5 with a METS score of 10.7 which means I can do heavy farming but not deep sea diving. To go for deep sea diving and run really fast, I need to beat level 6.

I went in, and immediately told the doctor and the nurse, "I want to beat level 6 today."

They were like, "Eh?" Cause that's not how it works. But fuck it.

So I went on the thing and they strapped these things to my chest and I beat level 6. Fuck you, level 6.

My METS score is now 13.5. I'm way above average for heart patients and still above average for normal hoo-mans.

I was extremely satisfied with the results and immediately gave myself a blowjob.

It was a good day.

Today, I began to feel sick. My core temperature was rising from morning and I felt a certain dryness in my throat.

The discomfort made me quite pissed off almost the whole day and by night time, I wanted to punch people in the face.

Am not going to the office tomorrow, but will do work at home. I feel sick right now and my nose is runny.

Within these two days, I also begin to get a clearer picture of certain things and certain whatever. And guess what? My instincts are always correct.

I'm so fucking great. Even though I can feel the temperature of my eyeballs, I can safely say I did the right thing and made the right decisions.

Now, if only that physiotherapist would go out with me, when I've recovered from my flu/fever.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Wankathon Hypersigil

Tomorrow I go for a stress test. It's where they hook you up to an EKG thing and make you walk, jog or run on a treadmill.

Come hell or high water, I won't stop until I reach the final level - level 6. Last time I did it, I reached level 5. I thought that was the final level, but nooooo. There's another level. Hope my heart and my leg muscles hold out.

In the gym, I could do 60 minutes cardio on the eliptical, reaching 9km yesterday. Then I usually follow it up with an hour of weight training - usually 100 crunches, bicep curls, tricep whatever and some chest thingies.

My man boobs are all but gone. My stomach does not bulge outward anymore. Well, not that much.

I am also managing my stress better than before the heart attack. I let go of idiots and the stupid things they do, and I put my faith in people who are smart. I don't think I need to correct or show smart people what's what, because if they can't see what I see on top of what they already see, then they are not very smart to begin with. And I don't waste time with idiots.

I don't feel maligned or victimised by life or by other people because I don't allow it to happen. Once you take full responsibility for yourself, there are no excuses and you will do more.

I'm juggling a full time job and two separate businesses. All are coming along well. I wish the physiotherapist would go out on a date with me, but if she doesn't, I'm not gonna cut myself or feel unwanted or sad or whatever.

I feel my age, which is good. I'm 35 years old this year, and I'm too old for the regular retarded bullshit. The devil is in the details, but you can't go wrong looking at a bigger picture.

People get so lost in minutiae sometimes that we forget what's really important - is anything I'm doing making me happy? Am I happy?

The only way to be happy is to stop wanting. To do away with desire, and not in a 'fight desire' mode. Desire would only be managed by acknowledging it and to acknowledge yourself.

Same with ego, as ego is often times defined by our desires. The desire to be accepted, to have a place, to be recognised, to be told that they are loved, that they are okay people.

I find all this pathetic, but I also understand that it is a basic stupid human need.

Choose your battles wisely. Not everything is a do or die situation. I have been in situations where it is literally do or fucking die. As in, funeral die, morgue die. As in you fucking stop breathing or your heart stops beating.

It forces perspective.

All these people, all these games, the politics, the posturing, the lies - they are all worthless. I do what I want to do. I spend my limited time with people I want to spend time with. And fuck all to everything else.

End of the day, I'm still the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Boron (World's Most Boring Man) Ultimatum

This was a weird week.

I started the gym sessions in earnest last week and finally hit my stride this week. Went three times in five days and managed to complete heaps of cardio and reps for my arms, chest and back. Legs I'm putting off till later cause I have some pain in my heels.

Couldn't work at all last Christmas-New Year cause everyone was on leave, so I was catching up on stuff this week. Tons of things to do, which makes me depressed, which is handled after I figure out a plan of action.

I also found several business opportunities and will be bringing them to several people - funders, executors, talents, grunts. I can't do everything myself anymore. Have to cooperate and delegate.

A hot chick approved my request on FB and I'm just the bees' knees.

Anyway, time to sleep! Cheers!


Sunday, January 4, 2015

Five Things You Need to Know About Losing Weight

Recently, I lost almost 20kg in less than four months. That's 44 pounds. I'm 2/3 of my goal to lose 30kg. This is how I did it.

And I did it in the format of a listicle or list-article for your bullshit Gen Y millenial bullshit consumption.

5. Fuck you.

4. Fuck you.

3. Fuck you

2. Fuck you and your preference for list articles. List articles are the worst things to journalism. Aside from... journalists being all holier-than-thou and crapping on the very industry that's feeding them by being asshole freeloaders. But fuck you.

1. Okay. I did not set out to lose weight. Not at all. I was happy the way I was, but then I had a fucking heart attack.

I mean, I knew how to lose weight. Just over two years ago, I lost 17kg in three months by switching to a high fibre diet and exercising almost every day. The first week alone, I lost 6kg. One week, 6kg - so I knew it's easy to lose weight.

As with everything else, as soon as I figured something out, I would lose interest. There are so many other things to explore and discover.

The thing I decided to do was change my lifestyle after the stupid heart attack. The prognosis put me at six months to six years life expectancy.

The data comes from a study done in the US on 1,000 heart patients with an ejection fraction (EF or EVF) below 40%. Normal human is at 60-70%. Cristiano Ronaldo is maybe 80%. Below 40% and you have heart failure. Mine's 41% - barely scraping by.

Now, the thing is, the data is not entirely reliable (thank God I deal with these types of number sets as part of my mind-control business to know the flaws and bullshit of statistics) as:

1. From the 1,000 patients, they could not assign control groups or whatever groups.

You can't set aside 300 people and tell them, "Okay, you guys don't exercise and eat whatever you've been eating that got you to having a heart attack in the first place. And you, the next 300, exercise like crazy and only drink the dews of the leaves of petunias for five years."

These are real people, not lab animals.

2. There is no lifestyle change study

The study did not observe any impact made by lifestyle change. It's just, "oh these 1,000 people had a heart attack, with below 40% EVF and now they're all dead after six years."

3. Everything is a bell-shaped curve

I hate the notion of being special. However, in this case, if I want to survive, I needed to be in the special percentage tier - those who made it, the fuckers who had heart attacks and fucking killed it. It being heart condition, not themselves.

So, I needed to be special. I needed to excel. I fucking hate those motherfuckers who want to be special. But I needed to do this, so excuse my dust.

So I went back to my plan. My BMI was bad, cholesterol was wayyy up and my sodium intake was crazy, for a non-American.

The first three months after being discharged, I went home and did three things - I quit smoking, I began eating healthy and I exercised every fucking day.

Quitting smoking was easy. I just stopped. That's it. All you fuckers who SAY you want to quit but have not quit are fucking delusional pansies. You don't want to quit - that's why you have not quit smoking.

Eating healthy requires a ton of research. I watched over 20 hours of documentaries, mostly from the BBC. Learned about nutrition mostly from Youtube and wikipedia and other websites. I read tons of stuff.

As I gathered the information I need, I asked my sister to set recipes for me. I ate 200gm of lean protein a day, around 300gm of carbs (high fibre) a day, two tablespoons of oil a day, half a teaspoon of salt every fucking day. Drank 3-5 litres of water, daily.

I have a whole list of stuff I don't eat anymore. Coconut oil, palm oil, anything with saturated fat - butter, margarine, ALL fast food, ALL traditional ethnic cuisine from everywhere, ALL kuih, 95% of stuff they serve you at any Mamak restaurant anywhere, 95% of shit they serve you in ANY restaurant.

For example, two nights ago, for a very special occasion, I ate fried rice for the first time in four months.

Losing weight through dieting is very simple. You need to take in less calories than you use. A 100kg man - not woman, man - would use 2200-2500kcal a day. So if you're at 100kg, take 1500-1700kcal a day. If you're at 80kg, find out how many calories you need and take less. Count everything. It's a math question.

Get rid of all the oil. Everything has oil in it, so you don't need to eat any fried food. ANY fried food. Everything must be boiled, steamed, curried, baked, grilled or whatever. If you HAVE to, after four months, sautee that shit. Today I pan-fried some chicken breast and two tablespoons of oil is plenty!

Be disciplined. You're not going to get away with cheating on yourself. That sugary treat with pounds of butter in it? It will get stuck in your heart and you will fucking die. Or it will get stuck in your brain and you'd be a retard.

Exercise was tricky. My heart is partially dead, so I can't exert myself. I started small, walking 2-3km a day, until I can walk for 12km a day. That's 3km one way from my apartment through the cemetery to a part, 6km for one round trip. Do it twice a day and I get 12km.

Went for a stress test at the hospital and was cleared to swim. I swim 20 laps every time, 500-600m, twice to three times a week.

Then I got a job and my exercise time was cut short so I joined a gym near my workplace. I do 60-90 minutes cardio every time, with 45 minutes of weight training and crunches.

Now, my regime is I would go and exercise four times a week - either gym, swimming or walking 12km a day.

All those fuckers who try to dissuade you from doing all this, they're all fuckers. If I had listened to any of the jealous, sabotaging fucktards who tried to stop me from exercising in my '20s, I'd have died when I had my heart attack on Aug 29. I'm still alive simply because my heart was strong enough to weather that first attack, even though 1/3 of it is now dead.

Anyway, the point was not to lose weight. The point was to get healthy. But I lost 19kg so far, and by next week, it should be 20kg. I weigh myself every morning to keep things consistent.

My target is to lose 30kg.

Problems: I had to shop for new clothes even at this midway juncture and by the time I hit 30kg weight loss, I'd have to buy an entirely new wardrobe again.

My motivation is simple - I stop doing this, and I die. Or worse. The last thing I want is a stroke or diabetes.

At the moment, I'm probably at my healthiest since I graduated. Actually, the last time I felt this healthy was when I was 11 years old. And I'm NOT healthy. I have a serious illness that could kill me at any moment. All this, all I'm doing? Might not matter, but I've decided to do it and I'm sticking to it.

I'm just doing all I can to lower my risks. And somehow, I'm way sexier doing it than I ever was - who would have thought that was possible?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Beeelilah, Komik Aku

Aku dah ada kompeni komik - Maple Comics.

Kitorang dah terbitkan Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days. RM25 satu.

Website betul belum siap lagi(estimated Q1 2015 siap), tapi ni ada blog jual komik tu:

KLIK SINI DAN BELI

Nanti bila dah ada website proper, aku akan iklankan lagi sekali.

Berikut beberapa sample pages Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days:







Good Riddance 2014!

Well, here we are now. 2015. Good riddance to 2014. Fuck off 2014. What a lousy year.

Highlights of 2014 for me were:

1. Had a heart attack on Aug 29.

Almost died, unfortunately didn't. One third of my heart is dead. Life expectancy is usually six months to six years. So, not much time left.

My father had a similar thing, and a similar prognosis. He's still alive after 34-35 years, so I don't know, man.

2. Lost 18kg

Cause of the heart attack, I quit smoking, went on a healthy diet and started exercising almost religiously.

Was possible to do it every day when I was just running my own business, but I accepted a job at The Malaysian Reserve on Dec 1 so I now have less time to go for walks. Solution? I joined a gym.

My workout schedule is 4-6 times a week, either cardio and weight training at the gym, 20 laps at the swimming pool or 6km-12km walks every day.

I now look really handsome and svelte. So much so, most of my old clothes don't fit very well. So I need to go and order another pair of suits once my weight loss reaches a plateau, probably in another 10kg of weight loss.

When I started the gym, my weight went up a bit, and now is going down again. Something to do with building muscle mass.

3. Started a comics company, and then published a comic book

We registered Maple Comics two years ago, but never really pushed it because there was no product.

Now we have one (Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days) that we published (Dec 10) and there are five to seven in development.

This week, we engaged with a professional web developer to do a proper website. The operations will be smooth after that and we could focus on making great comics.

Reception has been good to unbelievable. We sold 25% of the comics in the first week alone and by now it should be 30% hopefully.

Anyway, considering it was a small print run, the numbers are respectable. We hope that when it hits the major bookstores next week, we can score enough sales within the first few weeks to warrant reprints.

If I make enough money from the comic publishing business, I aim to do it full time, somewhere in the future.

4. Quit movies

I retired from writing movies. That's all I wrote. Bye!

The last movie screened was Ribbit.

A few individuals, production companies, and giant media entities tried to get me to write more movies, but I said no to all of them.

I don't see a future for scriptwriters in Malaysian films. The big companies take all the rights and have the gall to say they forked out money, so they own everything. As if the contribution of creative workers alone does not carry any value.

Everything sucks from the administrative bodies, the laws, the filmmakers themselves and the film audience. These three groups - administration, filmmakers, audience - are ontributing to a systemic failure. When you get a blue screen, you reboot.

I hope to watch the Malaysian movie industry burn to the ground, not because of hate or spite, but because it is in a dire need of a reboot. You can't improve the damn thing without starting over.

In the meantime, there is collateral damage. Those who make money to feed their families primarily from an industry that does not support much less reward them will suffer regardless whether the industry chugs along or burns in a fireball.

Oh well. Not my problem.

5. Politics

Up to my heart attack, I was consulting on crisis communications. This is what I do for giant corporations. After the cardiac event, I have decided to only do crisis communications for friends' projects.

Friends as in former bosses and people I respect. I'm easing off it because the giant entities and politicians all have leeches around them who sell them things that don't work - practically bullshit - and those people use lots of not-their-money to pay for it.

I'm the last honest man in Malaysia. Never took a bribe and never will. Well, I would, but it has to be over US$400 million.

A friend who does take money recently questioned my integrity, saying, "If you were offered a project for 5 million and all they want (plus cost) is a RM4.5 million kickback, would you do it?"

"My integrity for half a million? Fuck you."

Seriously, if I want to freeload or embezzle money, it has to be US$400 million minimum. I'm not cheap like these fuckers.

I used to watch these communications' people pushing the narrative on social media and I used to get pissed off cause they're doing it all wrong. Nowadays, I just laugh at them.

In fact, this is my overarching theme - I no longer want to change the world. I just want to laugh at it.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Intermission

Today was my last Stage 2 physiotherapy session but the process continues and will not end until I die. Had the session in the morning. I passed all tests and performed better than everyone else, but then again, I'm quite a fit 34-year old among mostly 50-60-year-olds.

Since the heart attack almost four months ago, I have lost 18kg and now look extremely dashing and handsome and sexy. Especially when I wear my suits, all of which had to be altered to accomodate my smaller body.

I started work on Dec 1 at The Malaysian Reserve. The day before, I made a day-trip to Kuantan to see my family. My father was not really present when I told him my prognosis, which is bad. According to statistics, people with my condition usually die within six months to six years, on average.

My time is limited. I don't know how long I have but I firmly believe it is shorter than anyone else's and I would die sooner than I thought.

I can feel it encroaching. I fall asleep, sometimes, when previously I would be roaring with energy. Especially at night. I run out of energy quickly nowadays and I can't power through things by working all night. I totally shut down by 11pm or so and fall asleep at 12 midnight.

The good thing that has come out of this, aside from my weight loss and wholesome good looks, is that I focus on things and people that matter. I love comic books and writing, so I'm doing exactly that. I don't like many people, so I don't associate myself with them, or even talk to the fuckers.

My life is simple and I constantly try to better my odds and reduce my risk by exercising regularly and strictly controlling what I eat. Maybe I can live another 10 or 12 years, or 200, I dunno.

I know that whatever time I have left, I don't want to waste it.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Fitness Bullshit

Today I fought with gyms again.

I have been getting regular exercise almost every day since my heart attack until I started work at my new job.

My new job requires effort and time in plonking myself into the system. Long story, don't have time to whine about that.

Anyway, I decided one way to cope with working again and my lack of exercise is to establish a healthy routine of going to the gym.

I went to Fitness First 1 Mont Kiara which is in the same building/compound as my office. It has the perfect location and even though it was a pricey RM211 a month, Fitness First is touted to be the best gym in Malaysia with no shady deals and top notch facilities. My expectations were a bit high, for a gym.

I went there for a free one-day trial today and found out that 90% of the gym equipment I tried could not read my heart rate. As in, the screen was fucking blank. Since I would fucking die if I exercise beyond a certain heart rate, I needed the fucking heart rate function to be working, which should be a given.

One after another, the fucking machines could not display heart rate. One trainer/salesperson at Fitness First told me, "Oh, it's not accurate anyway." which is not the point.

And getting a separate heart rate monitor at RM2-6K is NOT an option.

The point is, if I pay RM211, I expect your fucking gym equipment to be properly serviced. It is evident that they were not simply because the fucking heart rate thing was not functioning.

I left severely disappointed with Fitness First. I mean, there I was, my wallet hanging out to throw money at them, and they fucked up. They've been fucking up all this while with not servicing their equipment properly. Sure, heart rate monitoring is not vital for everyone, but it is for me, so fuck you Fitness First.

I went down to cool myself off. I was angry as my expectations on their brand was extremely high. Then as I couldn't get a cab, I decided to give True Fitness a try, despite their reputation of being scammy, slimy and riddled with conmen motherfuckers.

To get to True Fitness from 1 Mont Kiara, I had to risk life and limb crossing a road and up some dingy stairs.

Walked to True Fitness and greeted by a con person. I let him do his schtick - I didn't give a fuck at this moment, I just wanted to see if the heart rate functions are working.

I was honestly impressed with the amount of machines True Fitness Desa Sri Hartamas has, and some of them quite new. In fact, they're renovating the men's locker room and supposedly will be finished by Dec 15.

So, I decided to sign up. I decided to lower my expectations since gyms in Malaysia are all con jobs anyway. I had a big fight with Celebrity Fitness last time and I only won after telling the consultant in Indonesia that Bank Negara has to give Celebrity Fitness accreditation before they can function like a bank.

Anyway, True Fitness con person gave me several packages to choose from, licking his lips as I looked at his scribbles. Basically, this was a con job that was totally unnecessary as I already said I am joining.

After I paid, the con person made one dreadful revelation after another. For one, TRUE FITNESS DESA SRI HARTAMAS HAS NO SHOWER. HAVE TO TAKE SHOWER INSIDE TOILET UNTIL RENOVATIONS FINISHED - MAYBE MID DECEMBER, MAYBE DUNNO WHEN.

I also read online that True Fitness doesn't give towels. Apparently, they do at Desa Sri Hartamas, but that's one of ONLY TWO TRUE FITNESS OUTLETS IN ALL OF MALAYSIA THAT HAS TOWEL SERVICE.

After all this, I felt more protective of my money and became reluctant to sign up to this bullshit, but the process has started and they even brought a lawyer type with bad English to explain to me True Fitness' rights just in case I default payment, as if they're a fucking bank. I challenged his knowledge in basic banking laws and he tried to threaten me with CTOS bullshit when I wonder if there is any court in Malaysia would side with gyms if there is a class action lawsuit. There are already FB pages of disgruntled former gym members for every fitness center here. Every brand has their haters. It takes just one crazy pitbull of a lawyer to harness all the anger and bam - fuck off and die.

Every time I complain about their con job, they would go to the counter and bitch about me, while I'm within earshot. However, I was expecting this from True Fitness as reviews online of their attitude and sliminess are quite well-known.

I told the con person after all is said and done that he didn't need to do his cons. That you don't need to lie or con people or be sneaky to get people to buy your shit. I was already impressed that unlike Fitness First 1 Mont Kiara, True Fitness machines' heart rate functions on 80% of their machines I inspected worked perfectly. 20% rosak.

I was impressed with the size of the bloody fucking gym and the fact that they have yoga classes.

Even if the showers are not ready yet, I'm willing to wait.

What turned me off True Fitness was the scheming, slimy, shady bullshit experience of signing up. I felt like I was molested in a dirty back alley somewhere in Mozambique.

Whatever it is, the True Fitness membership is around 40 bucks cheaper than Fitness First. Minus the admin fee, it's just less than 30 bucks cheaper. I'm still reeling from disappointment with Fitness First 1 Mont Kiara.

I liked Fitness First's no-bullshit policy. But they got too arrogant and cocky with their servicing of machines as it was evident the bloody things did not work. My expectations for Fitness First was also unreasonably high. I should have gone in expecting bullshit and failure every step of the way.

I would not recommend True Fitness, Fitness First or Celebrity Fitness to anyone. These gyms all have fuck ups and they are all badly managed. I am only joining one because I truly need the exercise to stay ahead of my heart disease.

I will detail and record any bullshit from True Fitness here and everywhere. Their renovations are supposed to be done on Dec 15 or 17 and I am supposed to get my card by then. Who wants to bet how much and how long True Fitness Desa Sri Hartamas will fuck up? Surprise me.


Monday, December 1, 2014

Dead Man Wanking

So today I started at my new job - I'll be doing the lifestyle pages of The Malaysian Reserve.

My first day was informative, but I do not have all the data. Strange... no matter how old or how new a newspaper setup is, the same characters and tropes are always there.

I'll be easing off my consultancy work as I focus more and more on The Reserve. I hope to train fresh young blood to take over my consulting business and so far I have met with mixed results.

One of my concerns is not work-related, for a change. I wanted to ensure I can stay on a healthy path even after I start working full time. The healthiest things I saw for lunch and dinner at the place were Subway and Nando's. Had lunch at Nando's. Bumped into former colleague Jie Ying Low who has now discarded her future in the creative industry to embrace a more corporate career - as everyone should.

I ate a quarter chicken, but J Low ate half a chicken. I was like, "What the fuck?" but was way too polite to say it out loud or even share that revealing information on the Internet. I thought for dinner, I'd have Subway at home.

However, someone pointed out a small kiosk selling grilled chicken salads at a reasonable price. Bought my dinner there - a grilled chicken, long beans and tomato salad with balsamic vinegar as dressing. Also had some soy sauce or something. Tasted okay, but the tomatoes could have been sliced more.

From now on, as long as the thing is open, I will go and eat at that place.

I made a big deal of telling my parents my prognosis yesterday in Kuantan, my eyes shrink-wrapped in tears and all that shit, but it seems as if life goes on and I'm not dead yet.

Tonight, a secret agent man contacted me to meet at a hotel lobby. I'm going there now.

Cheers!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Intermission: 81 Days After

It's been roughly 81 days after my heart attack.

I have lost 17kg so far and I continue to lose weight as I rebuild my life and my career.

Big news is I'm taking a full-time job at a newspaper in December. I had to say no to a lot of other projects including offers to direct a movie. However, I'm moving forward with my boutique comics company - Maple Comics - which will publish our first book - Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days by the first week of December.

Am also writing a novella a friend requested for publishing. It is based on a script I keep and used to sell to producers before this. It's called Nuklear.

Funny. Just a month after the heart attack, I was quite depressed. I was living on the last of my savings as I waited for a multi-million dollar project to take off since June. After the heart attack, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it anymore.

The one skill I had that no one else could copy was my willingness to die for my work. I would go and work all day, every day, until I get it done. Now, I'm half dead. After the heart attack, I sleep at 12am - no more all-nighters. I felt like half a man.

Soon, I began to get calls. Old clients, old bosses and friends came about with the usual torrent of jobs and work and projects. There are also new acquaintances with their interesting side projects.

Not long after, I was swamped. Last week, I began snapping at people because there was so much work to do. It's a good sign - snapping at people.

The diet is working. 90% of what I eat, I cook myself. For almost three months, I have measured almost every single thing that goes into my body.

Basically, every day, I eat:

half a teaspoon of salt
two tablespoons of oil
200gm of protein
one or two tomatoes
a carrot
star anise
2/3 cups of brown rice (raw or 8/3 cups of cooked rice) or equivalent carbs

I can't take green leafy vegetables because I'm on Warfarin. I can and should take some, but it's like, two or three lettuce leaves a day.

For breakfast, I usually eat Weet-Bix or have oats.

My snacks are pears, bananas or oats/psyllium husk.

I eliminated all sugar from my diet. My kitchen had absolutely no sugar. This caused a problem as I began feeling lethargic and one point, my blood pressure was a dangerously low 80 over 50. The charming and quite lovely physiotherapist suggested a sweet drink, but reminded me time and again that she is not a doctor.

Nevertheless, I found her advice to be sound. I had absolutely no sugar in my diet for two months, and with my increased activities, I might need the energy.

So I bought cocoa powder - Van Houten - and brown sugar. Now, every day, if I feel a bit low on energy or going for a stressful meeting, I take half a tablespoon of cocoa powder, one tablespoon of sugar and mix them with hot water.

Milo is problematic as it already has sugar as well as fat. Same thing with Vico or any other chocolate drink. They could have shortening or fillers or whatever I don't know about. Cocoa powder is supposed to be 90% pure cocoa, so here's hoping the other 10% isn't rat poison or something.

Actually, the best way is to just take sugar, but that's no fun.

On my cheat days, I eat chappati. Well, I consider eating them cheating because I have no control over what goes into them. I also sometimes take grilled chicken - usually Nando's. I tried Kenny Roger's, but their sides are quite horrendously fatty and unhealthy.

Nando's is okay, if you take away the skin, but again, nothing beats cooking your meals yourself - that's the healthiest option.

I walk every day. Once or twice a dy, depending whether it rains or not in the evening.

One walking session takes me 3km out and 3km back. So each day, I walk between 6-12 km.

When my full time job starts, I would have to adjust my routine. I might have to rely more on purple wheat bread, cook at night for the next day, pack lunches, stock oats at the office or find a healthy restaurant over there.

My walks might not be feasible, but it might do me good to join a gym and work out there every day. All in all, it has been an enjoyable adventure.

My suits don't fit me anymore. I'm waiting till I reach a plateau in my weight loss before making new ones. I can still wear my tailored shirts if I wear something under them, but they still look too big. If I can find the time, I'm sending the suits to a tailor next week to have them altered.