Woke up again at close to 3am. Sleep patterns erratic. So I guess I'll tell you about myself. Again.
I left home when I was 12 years old. All my siblings left home when we were 12.
I went to a boarding school, where I was immediately aware that I am poor. Other kids used up their pocket money - I did not have that luxury. I saved every single cent my parents sent me. Nothing to take the edge off that hellhole.
My school was an all-boys' school. So to keep up the macho image, some things were done para-military style.
Orientation week was a time of physical torture. You wake up? 100 squats. You want to have breakfast? 100 squats. Lunch? 100 squats. Dinner? 100 squats. You want to go to sleep? 100 squats. You did something wrong? Everybody got 200 squats. Squats not synchronised? Repeat it again, from the top.
You know the movie Full Metal Jacket? The first part, about private (military private) training? It was like that.
We were 13 years old.
You want to end the night's activities? Stand on tables and chairs and blow at flourescent lights till they go off.
Orientation week was supposed to be for a week, but in various permutations, it lasted four years.
You can get beat up pretty often. You smoke? You get beat up. You make faces at a senior? You get beat up. You say shit to any senior? You get beat up. Walking too loudly? You get beat up.
There were weekly beat up sessions where it started with intimidation and ego-stroking and always ends up with stunts like flying kicks and shit. Saturday night. There was nothing else for the kids to do. We were all very smart - top 400 kids in the country.
I was never really beat up. Some prefects punched and kicked me a few times cause I was standing in the way of love between two people, but that's nothing. Compared to others, I was barely touched cause I slept through most of high school.
Every single time, the reason they give is this toughens you up. It was supposed to break you down as a human so you could be rebuilt. Some people had to pick up pieces of themselves and carry that around for the rest of their lives.
I have to say one thing, though - once you have gone through that hellhole for five years, not many things other than prison fazes you. You learn the true value of everything - nothing. You learn the true value of humans - nothing.
I hate my experience in the hell-hole. But I must admit that all I have seen there has greatly benefitted me. It's like surviving Lord of the Flies. I know how far down the abyss humanity can go. I've been there. I saw the demons lurking behind the masks of tribal anonymity. I saw them smile and bare their teeth.
Nowadays, I hardly ever look back. I hope the worst is over, so I can continue watching porn.