Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Malaysia's New Sport Sensation

I have been getting a lot of telemarketer calls in recent years, and I got another one today.

I answered because I thought it could be news that my father is sick or something. The old man's not in perfect health these days.

Anyway, here's the conversation:

Bitch: Hello, may I speak to Mr Amir Hafizi please?

Me: Speaking.

B: Ah, sir, you have registered a few months ago, for a yachting club.

Me: No, I didn't.

B: How can that be? I have all your details here. You must have registered for the yachting club.

Me: Are you calling me a liar?

B: Wh-what? No, but you have registered with this yachting club.

Me: No, but ... I'm a liar? You're calling me a liar?

B: Sir, you have registered with this yachting club...

Me: No, I haven't and I'm not interested, especially after you've called me a liar.

B: Okay.

And then she hung up. I immediately felt bad. I felt really, really bad, because I could have instead have this conversation:

Bitch: Hello, may I speak to Mr Amir Hafizi please?

Me: Speaking.

B: Ah, sir, you have registered a few months ago, for a yachting club.

Me: Are you a telemarketer? And you have my details? Why don't you do me a favour and take a few steps back and RAM THE NEAREST FUCKING PHONE RECEIVER DOWN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH?!

B: S-Sir?

Me: You listen to me, and you listen to me carefully. I will hunt you down. I will find out where you live, and where your family lives, and I will fucking catch you, and I will SEW EACH OF YOUR MOUTHS TO EACH OTHER'S ASSHOLE, MAKING A HUMAN RING OF MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!

Me: I WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE FROM THE HEAVENS ON YOU. I WILL TAKE THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY, AND I WILL COOK IT, AND THEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, I WILL EAT IT! AND I WILL RELISH IT.

Me: I WILL TIE YOUR ARMS WITH RUBBER BANDS UNTIL THEY ARE GANGRENOUS, AND THEN I WILL STARVE YOU, AND THEN I WILL COOK SAVOURY STEW USING YOUR MEAT AND I WILL FUCKING FEED IT TO YOU.

Me: YOU WILL SURVIVE FOR A VERY LONG PERIOD OF TIME, AND YOU WILL SUFFER FOR EACH SECOND THAT YOU BREATHE. DID YOU HEAR THAT? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. I WILL FIND YOU! AND I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

B: Boo hoo hoooooooooo.... wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaiiiillllllll!

Mess with the best, die like the rest.