Lots of people come and see me, and they tell me they want to start a business.
Actually, that's a lie. They come to me, and they say they want to start a company. Big difference.
I've been approached by people who want to start advertising-driven blogs to people who want to begin agricultural businesses.
Now, some of you may not know this - and that's why you keep coming to me with agricultural venture ideas designed to razzle-dazzle city slickers - but I'm a swamp boy, motherfucker.
I know how much money an acre of tapioca would generate in a year (not enough. You get around RM800 per month, after all that back-breaking work of sticking sticks in the ground and chasing away goats), as well as yields for corn (pathetic), papaya (has potential, but only in high-end markets) and lots of other bullshit.
I know how much you need to start a caged fresh-water fish effort (RM40,000 for the cages alone) as well as quail (you need an incubator, which is expensive, as well as the ability to determine the sex of chicks as they hatch), duck, chicken (hormones and flies will drain you dry), goats (various types), cows (only if you have 10 acres or more to spare).
I have even studied on vanilla and other what I deem as 'exotic' shit.
So don't you come to me with some bullshit and expect me to what? I dunno. NONE of these people who approach me with business ideas actually asked me for money. They just want my approval, which is disgusting. I wouldn't give money to them anyway, cause I don't have it and they lack a few things, the most important of which - much more vital than knowledge - is common sense.
For example, when you start a company, you need to have a business plan. In layman's terms, you need to know what you're going to do in order to turn a profit. You need to know exactly how much money you're going to make, from what, when, where and who. The most important question is always, always, always, HOW.
Fuck The Who.
It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. You will never be accurate with estimates. NEVER. But you need to get going in the right direction.
This is me, one of the most disorganised persons on the planet. So this may be a case of the blind leading the blind. But PLEASE, no more of this stupid business ideas bullshit.
You won't believe the kind of bullshit people throw at me. And for what? For what?
Anyway, fuck the bullshit. Most of these idiots run on emotion and people looking up to them. They don't care about money. This is '80s business philosophy. LOOK wealthy, and wealth will come to you.
That fad is 30 years old, broseph, and you ain't foolin' people no more.
Say, you wanna start a papaya business. Ok. Good. Papaya has a lot of potential. easy to plant, most of the soil in Malaysia is suitable for papayas, and it is fairly easy to market.
In order for you to plant papaya, just cut a stalk, and put it in a soil where there is lots of water. Near the drain of your stupid house is perfect.
Before you plant anything, scout around. Ask hotels, where they get their fruits, and how much they pay for them. It's not hard. Just a few phone calls or a few lattes, and there you go. Information. Find out how much they need, how they will get the papayas (some hotels have a local fruit programme where they hire middlemen to get fresh local fruits. Some expect you to have the lorry. Find out what is profitable for your project).
And here's a vital piece of advice. Don't sell, when it's already sold. If they want to buy your papayas for RM2 a kilo, don't offer them RM1 a kilo. That is just dumb. I don't care if your cost is RM0.50 a kilo, if they offer you RM2, take the goddamn RM2, idiot!
You only give discounts to take out the competition.
And then, never forget the hidden costs. NEVER. EVER. Underestimate hidden costs.
In the papaya example, lorry rental, manual labour, fuel - FUEL! - food, legal fees and whatnot are all costs which you might know little about, because you're just starting.
My suggestion is always keep an estimate of these costs and add 30%. You never know.
You can't just start a company with a business card, dumbass. THINK!
I don't know, man. I am just so pissed with all the bullshit idiots constantly throw at me. They get excited like monkeys on speed when they get a response. An email or something.
"We got an email from the hotels, Amir. What do we do?"
Believe it or not, this happened during midnight. MIDNIGHT!
Look, when you get an important email, asking your response, what do you do? You answer la.
Some people, they don't really want to do business. They just want to do shit so that they can complain about it. How they DESERVED to be right. How WRONGED they were.
You know what? In this wide world of God's earth, NO ONE. GIVES. A FLYING. FUCK!
Sentiment can only carry you so far. Emotion should be saved only for positive things.
And it's true, that old saying. It's nothing personal. It really is.
If the goal is RM2 million even (JUST FOR ME), I will work with people I hate. I will make people I hate RM5 million richer, if I get RM2 million for myself. IF it's confirmed. But it's not, is it? So that's why I only work with people I'm okay with.
So please, next time, when you want to pitch an agricultural business idea or whatever, make sure you're not wasting my time. I wasn't born in KL. I'm not a city kid. Not a Bangsar Boy. When it comes to plants and animals, I know my shit.
And no, I don't have RM500,000 for you to start a small cattle business (fencing costs alone are through the roof, motherfucker!). I don't have RM100,000 lying around in my underwear to start a small caged fish business.
I don't care what you want to call your company. I don't care about your logo. I. Don't. Care. Okay?
It is irrelevant. Branding happens AFTER you've made your first few million. Before that, you can call your company Shit-Breaks or Vagina. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't.