This is the link to my professional review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (BvS).
I write for a business paper mainly read by business people, so it's unseemly to do a rant over there. So if you want a more civil whatever, go read that.
This, this is personal. This will be a rant. Warning: Spoilers.
First up, fuck you, Zack Snyder.
Zack Snyder Origin Story
Never have I seen a movie done by a director with such contempt and hatred for the source material. There is no other explanation other than Zack Snyder hates Superman with the intensity of a thousand suns.
I think when Zack Snyder was a kid, he was walking around with his dog when a robber in a Superman costume started pulling a gun at his dog.
Robber in a Superman Costume: Hey, Zack Snyder's dog! Gimme all your money!
Zack Snyder's Dog: Woof?
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Pearls flying everywhere.
Zack Snyder: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Thus began Zack Snyder's convoluted revenge fantasy on Superman. It culminated with BvS.
The movie opened with a Batman origin story. I'm happy Jeffrey Dean Morgan or whatever got a job as Thomas Wayne. But... necessary? No, it was not necessary. So was the sequence with Young Bruce surrounded by bats and flying through the air. Oh, sure, dream sequence.
Then we see Bruce Wayne 18 months ago, when Superman was fighting Zod in Metropolis. He arrived at Metropolis and immediately called his staff at Wayne Finance to evacuate the building.
The staff, an old man called Jack, then said, "Okay, guys, the boss wants us to evacuate the building!"
Wait. What? Two super-powered aliens are levelling buildings left right and center, and there is a huge fucking tripod thing - a motherfucking dubstep machine - destroying the city and surrounding buildings, and YOU FUCKERS HAVEN'T EVACUATED YET?
You're actually waiting for Bruce Fucking Wayne, the fucking OWNER of your company to tell you what to do? Does Bruce Wayne cut their overtime if they were to evacuate the building when a super 9-11 event is happening WITHOUT his okay? Get the fuck out of my face.
So, anyway, despite the bullshit, this was a good sequence to show Wayne being all, "fuck this alien shit". Good buildup, I must say. So far, 8-10 minutes in, I'm okay.
Then we see a guy somewhere in the Indian ocean diving for kryptonite. Whatever.
Then we see Lois Lane in Nairomi, Africa. I shit you not. Nairomi, Africa, that I presume is just a misspelling of Nairobi, Kenya?
So anyway, Lois Lane is going for this interview with a terrorist. A Muslim African terrorist. He was like, "I didn't know you were a woman?" What a dumbass line. Lois Lane was like, "I'm not a woman, I'm a journalist."
I was like, yeah, Spotlight and shit.
And then her photographer gets searched by White Terrorist Guy (WTG). He starts dismantling this photographer's film camera - fucking hipster douchebag photographer - and finds a tracker the size of Zack Snyder's nipples. I mean, it was fucking huge!
The tracker is a big ass thingamabob with a huge flashing light that beeps like BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. Must have been a hipster douchebag tracker from the 1960s.
So WTG shoots hipster photographer in the head. Oh, and you know what? Subsequent interviews with Snyder revealed that this douchebag hipster photographer is Jimmy Fucking Olsen.
Jimmy Olsen is dead within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Bullet to the head.
Lois gets dragged into the house of the Muslim Terrorist guy. Outside, WTG gets his buddies to kill everyone in the village - bullets to everyone's head - and then leave.
Superman then comes to rescue Lois. I was like, "Damn, dude, the photographer got killed just now. Where were you, assface?"
Superman would only care about Lois' safety cause she gave him pussy. If Jimmy Olsen was sucking his dick on the side, then maybe Superman would have saved him. But he didn't.
Then we cut to a hearing chaired by Holly Hunter. An African woman was telling them about how Superman brought death to the village because of his actions. The Nairomi Government killed everyone and shit.
Holly Hunter was like, "We will hold Superman accountable for this shit." and the woman was like, "I don't think Assface cares, bitch." And she was right.
Assface was busy fucking Lois in a bathtub scene with Amy Adams showing her half-boobs.
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor was hosting Holly Hunter and that hot chick Mercy and some US Generals. That hot skinny chick, she was Mercy. I didn't know till later. But she's exactly my type.
Anyway, Luthor was like, "I'm an eccentric billionaire and my father used to be poor and I have just the thing to handle this Superman threat - kryptonite. But I need just one thing from the US Government to make sure I can handle Superman."
And everyone was like, "He is asking the US Government for one thing so he could handle Superman. What is it? Some nuclear bombs? A spaceship? Kanye West? Adam West?"
No. Lex Motherfucking Luthor, evil genius, wants a fucking IMPORT PASS. That's right. An IMPORT PASS. For kryptonite.
WHY. THE. FUCK. couldn't you just smuggle the shit? Why ask for an import pass? Why alert the US Government you have found kryptonite? If I was the CIA, I would be like, fuck this shit, I'm taking the kryptonite myself.
Meanwhile, another US Government dude took Luthor to the side and said, "Hey, I can hook you up with anything else."
And THEN Luthor asked for more important stuff. On the side. As an afterthought. He wanted the Kryptonian spaceship the US had, and he wanted Zod's body.
Then we see Luthor slicing off Zod's fingerprints and gluing them on his hands and then using that to open up the spaceship.
Seriously? Kryptonian technology that can travel faster than light, that can terraform entire planets and even bring things back to life, is FOOLED BY PASTED ON FINGERPRINTS? What the fuck, dude? What the fuck?
And the computer was like, "Oh, our archives got access to knowledge from 100,000 worlds and shit."
And Luthor was like, "Teach me, bitch."
And Kryptonian Siri did just that. The knowledge of 100,000 worlds taught in like, 20 minutes.
Dreams and Nightmares
Meanwhile, Batman has turned cruel and Alfred notes this fact, shrugs his shoulders and moves on.
Batman has been getting these dreams. In fact, most of the cool stuff we see in the trailers are just Batman's dreams. Was Zack Snyder trying to audition to be part of Nolan's Inception franchise? There were three or four dream sequences and they didn't go anywhere.
Anyway, Batman needs to get some intel from Luthor's house so he goes to a party organised by Metropolis library or something.
When he taps into Luthor's server room, Clark Kent could hear him talking to Alfred so he tails Bruce very obviously and Bruce Batman Wayne - motherfucking Ninja Batman, didn't even see him. Which is fine, because he's Superman, but then the Man from Krypton gets distracted by... a fucking TV report about a fire somewhere in Mexico?
How does this work, Snyder? I went on a holiday recently and whenever I turn on BBC in the hotel room, all they talk about is some disaster or war or some shitty thing.
You're telling me that Clark Fucking Kent, a journalist, is suddenly distracted by a fucking news story? There are ALWAYS shit going down somewhere. He just decided to get distracted when he was following Bruce because it is convenient.
Anyway, as Supes flies off, Batman gets beaten to the chase to rob Luthor of data by Wonder Woman.
They flirt a little as Supes does all these obligatory Zack Snyder poster shots. Holly Hunter adds into the Superman debate when she is asked by an interviewer - 'must there be a Superman?' Well, the answer to that, according to Zack Snyder must have been - HELL NO!
Because in ALL orf Superman's scenes, it is always people talking TO him. They don't talk with him, he doesn't tell people shit, he just stands or sits there and people just flap their mouths at him.
Lois talks TO him, Ma Kent talks TO him, Luthor talks TO him, Batman talks TO him. And when people are confused or pissed off or afraid of Superman, what did he do? He doesn't come out and say anything.
If Superman just went and said, "Hold up, bitches, I got this shit." the whole entire shitty consequences in the movie would not have been that way. If he had released a Press release, tweeted or instagrammed some shit, people wouldn't have to die.
And people die. By the truckloads. They drop off like flies.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Ah, fuck it, the movie doesn't make sense anyway.
So let's get to Wonder Woman.
I love Gal Gadot and think that even though she doesn't have any tits, they should just go with that as an updated version of the ideal feminine beauty in this century. When Wonder Woman was created decades ago, she was a busty amazon because that's the standard of beauty back then. Gal Gadot is the current definition of beauty, so the costume could have been more steamlined and I wouldn't care.
Wonder Woman is also a badass, but here are problems with the character and it is all Zack Snyder's fault.
First up, Wonder Woman has absented herself from our world for close to 100 years. Okay. I get it. Then she resurfaces because... there is a picture of her during WW1. Like, what? There is ONE FUCKING PICTURE and you just resurface to get a DIGITAL COPY of that picture?
What the fuck, Diana?
And then, despite flirting a bit with Bruce Wayne/Batman, Wonder Woman was about to go back into hiding or whatever, when - again - there was a news report about some lightning shit happening in Metropolis.
Then she just ups and appears as Wonder Woman. WHAT. THE. FUCK?
The only thing she knew was that there were some lightning-y shit happening in Metropolis. She didn't know Doomsday was coming out. Assface and Batman weren't fighting Doomsday yet, so why did she almost blew her cover to save their asses?
It makes no fucking sense. Wonder Woman disappeared after WW1. She left us when Hitler was gassing all those people in WW2. She left the world alone when two - TWO - atomic bombs killed thousands of people. She ignored a fucking world war, three to four major wars after that, some sizeable conflicts and multiple genocides, not to mention Zod destroying half of Metropolis 18 months ago ... and she comes back because some lightning-y shit was happening? And it was earlier because of some grainy black and white photo that was digitised and of which an infinite number of copies could be made?
Descent Into Madness
Anyway, I lost where I am because I am so angry. Let's just say Superman, Assface, went to a hearing and a guy who was a former employee of Bruce Wayne and now recruited by Luthor, blew everyone up in the hearing thing setup whatever.
Oh, oh, I forgot. As part of the storyline to make Luthor seem like a super menacing villain, he had an exchange with Holly Hunter. She said some sass to him about "You can take a bucket of piss and call it Granny's Peach Tea but I won't drink it." earlier.
So at the hearing, Holly Hunter saw a jar right on her table, and it was labeled Granny's Peach Tea. And the room blew up. Because of the wheelchair bomb by the former employee, not Granny's Peach Tea, which is urine.
Aw, man. This movie is so horrible, I don't think I'm making sense even to myself anymore.
Anyway, Lois Lane finally figures out that Lexcorp or someone connected to Lexcorp is trying to frame Superman. And that this conspiracy probably figured out that she is connected to Superman, and maybe they figured out that Clark Kent is Superman.
Now, what does she do with this information? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. She met Superman a few times after that and NEVER TELLS HIM this news. WORST. GIRLFRIEND. EVER.
If she just told Superman, maybe send him a text or a Whatsapp, "Hey, man, there are people trying to set you up and they probably know you are Clark Kent, so you maybe would want to keep your loved ones (me and your mother, and Jimmy Olsen - oops, he's dead) safe or something."
Luthor is played as a young billionaire with speech tics. He seems more like The Joker than Luthor. Luthor is Lawful Evil, not Chaotic Evil, dumbass Snyder.
Okay, so after the hearing place thing - some court on capitol hill or whatever, got blown up, Batman steals the Kryptonite from Lexcorp. Oh wait. Hold up.
Before this, Batman found out Luthor was smuggling kryptonite into Metropolis. So what does he do?
1. He fires a huge, HUGE tracker on the truck transporting it. This tracker of course has a big-ass beeping red light on it.
2. He chases the truck in his Batmobile. This is a great action sequence. Would have enjoyed it but it didn't make any fucking sense. If you have a tracker on, why did you have to follow it? And Batman killed a few of the baddies here. I don't really care that Batman kills. Okay, so this version kills people, but he's so un-Batmanlike when he kills. At least show some remorse, bitch.
3. Then Superman just stops his car.
Superman didn't know he was chasing after a truck, didn't check on the truck and did not show any inclination to hunt down Batman but he showed up anyway, ending Batman's chase.
So after that Batman goes home and he sees the tracker showing him that the truck is in Lexcorp research facility or some shit.
In the Lexcorp place, the tracker is still there - still huge, still blinking LOUDLY, and nobody notices a goddamned thing.
So as the Superman hearing got blown up, Bruce Wayne was in his office, seething. He's angry because that dude in the wheelchair has been sending back the cheques he was supposed to have received every month with shit written on it to goad and poke Bruce Wayne.
The writings are all, "Wake up, Bruce Wayne." "You're blind, Bruce Wayne" and "You let your family die."
These letters, these fucking letters written as if it was by The Joker, pushed Batman off the edge so he steals the kryptonite from Lexcorp.
Wait a minute. What?
So all it took, to push Batman to try and kill Superman, was a bunch of letters? This was referenced later in the movie when Luthor admitted to Superman that it was in fact he who sent those cheques back. He wrote those letters and that it was easy to goad Batman into trying to kill Superman.
Batman, the World's Greatest Detective, fooled and manipulated by Luthor using snail mail. We have a Wonder Woman who is concerned about a black and white photo, a Superman who doesn't communicate even though he's a journalist, and a Batman who can be tricked with pen and paper. FUCK YOU SNYDER.
SO anyway, Batman does a training montage. He takes a sledgehammer and pounds on a bus tyre. Now, I think Snyder went to his gym and asked his trainer, "Bro, what's the coolest way to train your upper-body so you'd look like a duck wearing body armour?" "A duck wearing body armour, you say? Take a sledgehammer and pound a bus tyre, bro. That's some hardcore cross-fit shit right there."
Here's a thought - doing any kind of strength training in a short period of time won't increase your strength immediately. It will take time -months or even years, before they bear results. You basically tear your muscles and wait for it to heal - oh whatever.
Batman turns most of the kryptonite into a spear, and the shavings into some sort of kryptonite gas. He makes three 40mm kryptonite-gas grenade or something.
Then he shines his bat signal to the sky, waiting for Superman.
Superman was doing his mopey shit up some mountain somewhere when he had a vision of his dead father. His dumbass dead father who killed himself by not allowing his superpowered son to save him in Man of Steel. But that's another movie. Allow me to UGH! Allow me to say what's wrong with this appearance.
Superman's dad told Superman, "You know, one night it rained so hard the farm almost got flooded. I worked with my dad and we managed to divert the water. Then your grandmother baked me a cake - a hero cake - and I ate it. It was the next day when we found out we diverted the water all right, but it went to Lang's farm. As I was eating my hero cake, their horses were drowning."
Okay, so Superman's dad saved his own farm but in so doing flooded another farmer's land, killing their horses. What's the moral of the story here? What can we learn from this shit parable?
You save yourself, then other people get fucked? What? So... save myself? Don't save myself? What?
Then Superman's dad, he said that he hears the horses in his dreams every night. I'm surprised that he's not Horseman or some shit because in Snyder's world, anyone traumatised by any animal in his dreams becomes a superhero with that animal's traits.
Superman's father then said the voices of the horses only stopped when he met his wife.
So... sex absolves all guilt? Is this the lesson you're trying to impart? Cause I'm pretty sure sex, while excellent, also comes with it a sense of guilt. SO it doesn't make sense - well, the whole movie doesn't make any sense.
Setting Up The Big Shit
Lois Lane was kidnapped by Luthor and they have a chat before Luthor pushes Lois off his building. Of course, Superman appears whenever Lois is in trouble and saves her. He even kisses her on the ground. No wonder people could figure out your secret identity, Assface. Anyone who has EYES can just deduce that Superman is the dude banging Lois Lane.
And why didn't he save her when she was being kidnapped? Why did he save her only when she is falling off a building?
Superman had his chat with Luthor when Luthor told Superman, "I got your mother." and shows him pictures of her just like The Joker did to Batman and Gordon in The Killing Joke.
So Superman is blackmailed to go fight Batman. Before he does so, he goes to Lois, who was almost in a cab, and they talk.
"I have to get him (Batman) to help me, or I might have to kill him." Said Superman. And then, "Nobody stays good forever."
Dude, you killed people. You personally killed Zod and worse - you allowed thousands of people die. You don't allay the fears of these dumb humans and you don't explain yourself or take the time or trouble to understand delicate situations in Nairomi and everywhere, causing the deaths of lots and lots of people. You are, by all intents and purposes of Zack Fucking Snyder, an asshole - a selfish bastard who causes the loss of life, limb and property. You have NEVER been good.
So anyway, after showing to the cab driver that YES - Superman's secret identity is whoever is banging Lois Lane - Superman flies to Batman.
Setting up The OTHER Big Shit
Just before Superman fights Batman, the movie completely stops for like, 5 minutes as Wonder Woman gets an email from Bruce Wayne. In the email attachment we see files from Lexcorp - they were doing surveillance on meta-humans (members of the Justice League.)
They had their logos and shit!
Apparently, Lex Luthor called up some branding agency or graphic designer or some shit and paid them to create logos for these superheroes. Cyborg had a C and Aquaman had an A and The Flash had a lightning bolt. ANd Wonder Woman had the double Ws. WHAT THE FUCK?
So LEX FUCKING LUTHOR OWNS THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF THE HEROES IN JUSTICE LEAGUE?
It was such a lazy way of shoehorning a promo for the Justice League movie. And such a clumsy way of slotting it in. I don't want a Justice League movie. I don't want anything from the DC cinematic universe.
The Big Shit
Now, Superman could have just said, "Batman, I need your help. Luthor kidnapped my mother." But he didn't did he? He just goes and says meaningless drivel before Batman sets off traps against Superman.
This series of traps could have worked if they showed Batman gave absolutely no chance for Superman to say or do anything. Just one after the other, bam, bam bam. But noooo. The gap between traps is so long, you could fit in another movie inside each one.
One time, Batman sets off a regular smoke bomb and that fucking fooled Superman. Superman, with X-Ray vision, couldn't see through a goddamned smoke bomb.
So anyway, Batman uses kryptonite gas to weaken Superman so he could fight him. Kryptonite gas should just kill Superman, but whatever.
So one time, Batman has Superman on the ground, right? He ties Superman's foot up and goes for a... sink? Batman has a badass Superman-Buster/Kryptonian-Killer armoured suit on, worth at least a bajillion-kajillion dollars, with like, a grandzillion horsepower or some shit - and he just did some sledgehammer on bus tyres crossfit - AND HE REACHES FOR A PUBLIC TOILET SINK? To hit SUPERMAN?
What the fuck is wrong with you, Zack Snyder?
Throw a batarang. Kick his head in. Chokeslam the fucker. A PUBLIC TOILET SINK?
And then... and then we go to the worst part of the movie. The Absolute Worst.
The Absolute Worst Part of Batman v Superman
As Batman was about to drive a kryptonite spear through Superman's chest, Superman Assface says this: "Martha! They're gonna kill Martha!"
He meant Martha Kent, his adopted Earth mother.
Batman was like, "Why'd you say that name?". He raises the spear higher.
And then Lois Lane rushes in and yells, "That's his mother's name!"
And Batman remembers that his own mother's name is Martha - Martha Wayne - and FUCKING THROWS THE SPEAR AWAY AND IMMEDIATELY BECOMES BEST FRIENDS WITH SUPERMAN.
He was all like, "I promise you, man! Martha won't die tonight!"
So here is a man who probably pounded on a bus tyre for 2 years with a sledgehammer, who stole and killed to prepare for killing Superman, and he stopped BECAUSE THEIR MOTHER'S NAMES ARE THE SAME? Are you fucking kidding me?
Of all the stupid things that have been done in all movies in all of human history, there has never been something as stupid as this. Congratulations, Zack Snyder. You have killed Superman, DC and Warner Brothers.
Fuck them and fuck you too.
I just can't go on. I feel so goddamned tired right now.
BvS is not a Superman movie or a Batman movie. It's not a Justice League movie. In fact, it's not a movie. It is not even a story.
Stories tell you stuff. Reasons why this or that happens. At the very least gives you a chance to figure it out.
Unfortunately, un-fucking-fortunately, none of the things that happened in the movie had any reason for being, none of the characters had any motivation to do anything they did, none of the plot points were introduced or resolved properly.
Here's the thing: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is just a series of posters with absolutely nothing stitching them together. It's bloated and gaudy and stupid.
It is insulting not just to DC fans or comics fans in general - it is a fuck you to general audiences and normal humans as well.
It is clear that Zack Snyder finally had his revenge on Superman. He finally has his emotional and moral as well as creative comeuppance against that robber dressed as Superman who most surely have shot and killed his dog those years ago. Because there is no other explanation for such hatred on Superman and the Superman mythos.
Go fuck yourself, Zack Snyder. May you make more pieces of turd, each worse than the other. And may they bomb at the box office, permanently killing Warner Brothers so we would never EVER have another DC film ever again.