Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Real Hate

As the greatest mind of the 21st Century, I am appalled by the fact that politicians make more than I do.

Politicians are the scum of the earth. When God created shit, the by-product was politicians.

God: I got this brown shit in my hand and it smells foul. Name this shit, Adam. Name it!

Adam: I think I'll call that 'shit'.


Adam: But what's that thing on the side?

God: Oh, that's just the waste created from making this shit.

Adam: Okay. I name them 'politicians'.

Politicians are made when a rabid dog rapes a radioactive chipmunk, IN THE FACE. Then they go around making logos that look like shit and writing songs that nobody likes.

Sometimes, they buttfuck their aides. Or wear a tudung to pretend to be holy. Oh, they're holy, all right. ALL politicians have two assholes - on on their butts and one on their face.

Every day, shit falls off their mouth.

I have no idea why people listen to these shit-faced by-products of shit.

I demand we all go and kill all politicians by scalping them. And skinning them alive, throwing them in the sea and then burning them in a styrofoam box.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Weekend Gramoxone (Farming Joke: Roundup is a Pesticide Brand and Gramoxone is Similar. Pesticide or Herbicide, Whatever)

Been working like a dog. Fortunately, there are some good news.

One of the projects my team and I did - a children's show - will be broadcast next year. Malaysia first, then Disney Channel and probably Hong Kong. Full details when I get the official word.

Meanwhile, I noticed that people on Twitter started throwing all hatred towards this:

That's this year's logo, which, after being shat on by almost everybody who had shit, Rais Yatim cancelled, took it back and shoved the thing up whoever's ass was handy and available.

While the furor and outrage was impressive, I find it baffling that anyone gave a shit. No one showed any interest before, and this was NOT the worst logo ever.

Take a look at this shit parade:

Click on the image. It gets bigger. No, wait, that's probably not a good idea. In my opinion, ALL of them looked like shit, but that's just me.

The logos looked like someone plonked down a bunch of coloured glass at the end of a kaleidoscope, sketched the geometric shapes, had his retarded 7-year-old colour it using red, whi9te, yellow and blue crayons, and called it a day.

Still, I understand why it had to be crappy. These are designs meant for buttons and t-shirts produced by the Government. The fucking Malaysian Government. It's not supposed to be pretty.

If it looked really cool, Malaysian monkeys would steal them and wear it every day. Not out of patriotic fervour, mind you, but from their freeloading instincts.

These logos also act as propaganda tools, disseminating information in the simplest way possible so everyone - including monkeys - could understand them.

If you got David Lynch to do them, with his questionable Photoshop skills, a lot of people would have committed suicide.

Now, we go back to my favourite monkeys - apes that hop on to the bandwagon and started tearing the shit out of the logo, when they never gave a shit before.

I believe, in my opinion, this has nothing to do with the logo. The logo is just as shitty as the previous 40 years. Nope. I believe it is just a bunch of people finally finding enough hatred in them against the Government, which they express by hating the logo.

Harmless, you say? Yes, I believe so too.

However, it sets a worrying precedent. That perhaps in a rush to hate, condemn and judge, we might also end up hating, condemning and quickly judging anything and everything regardless of the truth.

I'm not taking the Governments side. In fact, fuck the Government. I am just worried that this new vigour in mob mentality will result in infinitely worse things, like the Bastille during the French Revolution, or the war in Iraq after September 11.

Ah, fuck it. My name will be on Disney Channel. Kau ada?

Saturday, July 28, 2012


Lots of people come up to me to either tell me they want to write movies or that my movies suck and they or their friend-of-a-friend could do better. None of them ever did. No one who told me they wanted to write movies are doing movies, yet, and no one whose friends-of-a-friend has never written a movie, much less one 'better' than any I've written.

I mean, it's not that difficult. My movies suck, right, so go ahead and do a decent one. No, not even a decent one. Just a slightly less-sucky movie. Something with a plot and characters mouthing off at each other. Here's one:

Character A: Mumble mumble.

Character B: Mumbles back.


CANNES! (pronounced Kahn, not Canes, not Kenes, it's fucking KAHN!)

People sometimes come to me for advice. Not much I can give, but what little I know, I pass on.

Bewilderingly, I find that they do not want to listen, and they do not expect or appreciate any help. They just want excuses to not write any movies.

I suspect they expect me to try and discourage them, perhaps? To tell them that being a scriptwriter makes less money than writing ads for tampons (sadly, this is true) or that the ayam golek people make more during one Ramadan than ALL Malaysian scriptwriters combined (some ayam golek people do.) or whatever.

Some ayam golek people sell hundreds of roasted chickens a day during Ramadan. At roughly RM15-20 per bird, KL price, that's a lot of money. AND they don't declare taxes.

I believe it is fear. They know perhaps, good movies from bad ones, and they're afraid to do any movie for the risk of people thinking they suck. Dudes and dudettes, if I thought of that, I would have had insomnia for three years (which I totally did) or would have killed myself years ago, never venturing out of the house.

I suspect that these people might be afraid that the precious image they have of themselves inside their heads would crumble at the first reading of a bad review.

I had bad reviews. Scathing shit. I'm still alive. Still trying to convince some people that my original stories are gold.

I had great reviews as well. Even for some things I did which I myself thought were dumb.

Truth is, everything's subjective and not a single viewpoint is shared by everyone. Take extreme cases, for example. Take fucking little boys. Everybody thinks that's wrong, right? EXCEPT for the priests who molested or are molesting children.

No matter what you do, some people will love it, and some people will hate it. And no, you can't be immune. You can, however, accept it, accept feedback - be it positive or negative - and move on. That is life.

And the jealous ones? I consider the amount of spite I got for making some stuff or doing anything I have ever done, as a clear indication that I have touched stupid people's ego. And touching stupid people's egos is a sign of success. I have done things that perhaps threatened people so much, they shat their pants.

I'm not talking about bad reviews. I'm talking about people who say, "You know, if I had like, a bajillion dollars, and your good looks, I could do wayyy better. Cause I'm special. Boo fucking hoo, me and my dumb life. I cry tears."

Fuck you.

I mean, seriously. Life is no big deal. I'm no big deal. You're no big deal. In fact, we're all BIG FUCKING DEALS. We're not that important. Until we realise that, we are stupid.

Okay. I'm done. Going to sleep now. Tomorrow morning, I need to justify a budget, go to the dentist - AGAIN - buy some batteries and write a porn movie I owe someone. Finally.


Indecent Exposure

I sat down recently to have a talk with some filmmaker friends. We spoke about the importance to have enough exposure, the right exposure and gossip about idiots who have not watched enough movies.

I am one of those. I have never watched The Godfather trilogy - not a single film - Casablanca, Breakfast at Tiffany's or even Titanic. I have never watched Titanic. Nothing against James Cameron - I watched Avatar 7 times, 6 times in 3D. I like the story and the execution of the story.

I'll tell you movies I watch more than five times:

Babe, Amelie, Hamlet 2, The Legend of 1900, Sukiyaki Western Django, Thank You for Smoking, Up in the Air, Juno, Black Dynamite, Up, The Incredibles, Shaolin Soccer, The Shawshank Redemption, Dr Strangelove or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Avatar, American Pie, Princess Mononoke, Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' On Heaven's Door, Wall-E, The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'oole, Chungking Express, Sin City, Sweeney Todd and many more.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut currently holds the record (I stopped counting after watching it 21 times for three straight weeks).

Surprise, surprise, ONE Michael Bay movie made the list - Armageddon. I like Armageddon.

And for some reason, I watched one of the worst movies of ALL TIME - The Adventures of Pluto Nash more than five times. Simply because that movie and Superman 2 were the movies they played in Thai hotels in 2007-2008. If you were there while I was there, you might have watched the bloody things.

I watched a lot. This is why when some people, sometimes, come to me with stories they want made, but are actually blatant rip-offs of certain flicks, I can usually tell them to fuck off.

I mean, sure, Bollywood rips off a lot of movies, but the sheer size of their industry - they make like a bajillion movies a year - means they can have the odd Mohabbatein amongst the Mere Naam Jokers.

Mere Naam Joker was a great movie. It's overly melodramatic - this is Bollywood - but I liked it so much, I wanted to do an homage of sorts with a recent project. Failed, of course, because not many remember that movie.

Mere Naam Joker was about one man sharing his love stories. He fell for three women - his teacher, a Russian chick, and a dancer. I found that the themes of trinity as prevalent in that movie as it does in The Matrix.

The three women can be the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone, reflecting on the life stages of the main character as well.

Another Bollywood movie I like is Amar, Akbar, Anthony. That one is pretty straightforward, though it ran for over 3 hours, I think. It tells the story of three brothers separated during childhood, becoming a Hindu police officer (Amar), a Muslim singer (Akbar) and a Christian delinquent (Anthony).  The message was nationalistic and of unity.

I have watched ALL of Stephen Chow's movies. I once found a collection of over 40 of his work, but some guy borrowed it and never returned the bloody thing to me.

I'm a big fan. Chow's 'mou lei tau' style is genre-defining and a worthy successor to the kind of goofball comedies Sam Hui used to do (Aces Go Places, Water Margin, etc).

I am not fond of so-called 'art films'. I once had a horrible realisation that some people here thought that 'art films' only meant movies with a tangible story, and that there are only two types - summer blockbusters, and 'art films'. Well, he might have a point there.

To me, an 'art film' is one of those wanking bullshit shit they show sometimes. I think without the simulated underaged sex, Harmonie Korrine's movies all suck. Ken Park sucked dick. Kids was disgusting.

The worst type of 'art films', I find, are ones with simple concepts, but act as if it's the first and most revolutionary idea ever. I believe, those filmmakers and their elitist fanboys are stupid and condescending at the same time.

I go watch movies to enjoy myself, and bitch about idiots who talk in cinemas. I sure as hell don't want to be part of an all-dancing, all-singing shit-choir who talk about mise-en-scene and try to out-culture each other by faking everything.

But that's just me - the guy who never saw The Godfather. Who gives a shit? Fuck you, Marlon Brando. Brando was in that movie, right? I dunno. Fuck The Godfather.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Korea Vs Japan

Around 10 years ago, if you told me Korea will one day surpass Japan on the world stage, I would have laughed in your face and stuck a bicycle up your ass.

I'm a minor Japanophile, not obsessive enough to pretend I'm Japanese or fill my fridge with Pocky, but sometimes if you get me to drink enough, I do start speaking Japanese.Watched enough anime and played enough games in the language to pick up a phrase or two.

Korea and Koreans as well as Korean goods were, to me, cheap imitation Japanese. I was and still am racist towards Koreans - for no reason. I just decided I need to be racist at some people, and Koreans were a safe choice because I don't know any.

I don't know the exact moment it happened, but somehow, some way, Samsung overtook Sony, Toshiba and whatever else Japan can throw to become a real contender. Their car brand Kia - though plagued with accusations of inferiority, won some Car of the Year awards. And they're only second biggest in Korea. The number one auto manufacturer in Korea is Hyundai.

The Korean football team is arguably better than the Japanese one, as evident in the 2002 Korea-Japan World Cup.

They even surpassed  Japan in producing annoying yet catchy pop groups like SNSD, Super Junior and T-Ara (the video above) which I've always treated as a joke. Korean dramas are getting traction while J-dorama is an old brand. I believe that after Dekichatta Kekkon, Japan has created the greatest and best J-Dorama and there is no reason to do it anymore. They have achieved perfection.

Korean animation and comics still languish behind Japanese manga and anime. This is subjective, but I find Korean comics to lack soul. This will improve, as the quality of the drawings are on par with the Japanese. Like what happened to J-Dorama, Japan also made the greatest animation every - Cowboy Bebop. The sheer perfection of Cowboy Bebop means that there are no reasons left for animators to hang around. They should all die. In fact, after creating Cowboy Bebop, mankind itself has no reason left to exist.

Cowboy Bebop is the single greatest piece of non-comics storytelling that mankind will ever attain. It is the highest art-form and I would burn all Renaissance paintings and sculptures to save a single episode of Cowboy Bebop.

Anyway, I am watching the Koreans with intrigue. I don't like most of their stuff, but given time, the Koreans might surprise me again. Or not. Whatever.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Cerpen: Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih

Aku pernah baca cerpen 'Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih' dalam satu buku antologi cerpen terjemahan. Masa tu, aku berumur lapan tahun. Banyak benda jadi masa umur aku lapan, antaranya aku menyambut harijadi dalam majlis harijadi pertama aku (sebelum tu tak pernah sambut), aku mula sedar keluarga aku miskin, dan aku terjumpa cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih dalam buku-buku rujukan STPM kakak dan abang aku.

Aku tak ingat sangat ceritanya, dan aku tak ingat nama penulisnya. Aku tak berani nak Google pasal aku takut cerita tu jadi lain daripada ingatan aku. Kalau ikutkan imaginasi aku, aku bayangkan cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih ni pasal askar Jerman yang sedih sebab kuih dia terjatuh dalam sungai berlumpur.

Selama lebih 20 tahun, aku membayangkan kuih apa yang dimakan oleh orang Jerman? Orang Jerman takde seri muka, jemput pisang ataupun ketupat pulut. Bagel makanan orang Yahudi, jenis-jenis karipap popular dengan orang Inggeris, Denmark dan Belanda.

Aku membayangkan, askar Jerman tu, mungkin membawa bekal roti Jerman yang menggunakan tepung rye. Mungkin mak dia masak, atau awek dia kat kampung. Aku bayangkan, mungkin awek dia simpan tepung sikit-sikit sebab nak buat kuih tu. Yalah, zaman perang, mesti susah nak buat tepung.

Lepas tu aku pikir pulak, dalam macam-macam rekaan manusia, aku paling hargai roti. Nak buat roti bukan senang prosesnya. Mula-mula, gandum rupa dia macam lalang atau sampah. Manusia zaman purba perlu tuai gandum, keringkan, tumbuk, kisar, campur air, garam, gula, telur, yis, uli, biar dia naik, cucuk kasi angin keluar, uli balik, bagi naik sekali lagi, kemudian bakar.

Aku fikir, proses rekaan roti mengambil masa mungkin beratus-ratus tahun. Bayangkan daripada gandum, ko nak buat kuih Jerman. Kuih yang akhirnya akan diberi sebagai bekal kepada askar Jerman dalam cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih, yang kemudiannya, ketika dia berjalan melintas sebuah jambatan kecil, telah dilanggar oleh seorang pemacu keldai berbangsa Yahudi, menyebabkan kuih Jerman tadi jatuh ke dalam sungai yang berlumpur.

Aku bayangkan Askar Jerman tadi sedih, kemudian, dengan penuh kesayuan yang tidak terperi, mengambil bayonet kemudian menikam pemacu keldai berbangsa Yahudi tadi, menerosok lubang jubur taik lelaki tua berjanggut tersebut.

Aku bayangkan, dengan sedih, Askar Jerman tadi menikam dan menikam lagi. Bertubi-tubi, sampai seluruh usus besar dan kecil pemacu keldai Yahudi itu tidak berupa organ manusia lagi.

Aku teringat cerpen ini sebab macam itulah rasanya aku tadi semasa menonton The Dark Knight Rises, dengan watak pemacu kedai Yahudi itu diganti dengan mereka yang bercakap dalam pawagam. Aku rasa sedih, seperti kuih Jerman aku jatuh ke dalm sungai berlumpur, dan aku rasa macam nak menikam mereka berkali-kali di lubang jubur sampai usus mereka kelihatan seperti daging kisar yang kemudiannya dijadikan daging dalam Quarter Pounder with Cheese McDonalds.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Dark Knight Rises ... and Falls

I just came back from watching the final movie in the Nolan-Batman trilogy - The Dark Knight Rises. It was good, but not great. To me, the best of the three was Batman Begins.

For one, The Dark Knight Rises is too long, in my opinion. And the plot points far too predictable. I do understand that by the third movie, it was out of Nolan's hands and he has a responsibility - nay, a DUTY - to please the fanboys out there. Me being one of them.

I have read most of the fan theories concerning this movie and Nolan probably has as well, and he incorporated a lot of the fan ideas into it. It's cool, it's good, but what's great would have been to transcend that and give us something we didn't know we want. Like Batman Begins. 

So he crammed as many things as possible in this third movie. Being Nolan, it was okay. I mean, if it was Michael Bay, I would have rather fucked myself in the ass with a chainsaw than watch his version of Batman. However, I see no reason at all for Jonathan Crane to be there. No reason for the Liam Neeson cameo, the political posturing, bla bla bla.

I also have problems when the main villain didn't just maim or cripple the hero when he catches them. If I was a villain like Bane, the first thing I would do to Batman is severe his Achilles tendon or shoot his kneecap off, ensuring Batman will never walk again. And then I would cut off his fingers. Or blind him. Maybe plant some bombs in his ass or something.I certainly wouldn't leave him in a very escapable hole, with no guards.

As for Batman, he had a clear shot of Bane in his flying cockroach at the beginning of the movie, but he did nothing. Come on, man! Just a push of a button and launch a tiny net or some shit. ALL characters can be caught using a tiny net.

The Dark Knight Rises is still a damn good movie, but my expectations were a bit too high, maybe. I much prefer Batman Begins.

The main reason was I watched Batman Begins on TV. The Dark Knight Rises, I watched in the cinema, and there were these annoying fucktards who kept on talking throughout the three hour thing (three hours cause that's plus commercials).

People who talk in movies are attention-whores. They WANT attention, and they do this by shoving their presence in everyone's faces. That's fucking rude, selfish and egotistical. I believe that talking during movies should be a felony.

In fact, if I ever become a serial killer, my target would be those who talk in movies. I'll catch them, cut their tendons, shove a red hot poker to their faces, tie them up, and THEN throw them into a hole, which I will slowly fill with sulfuric acid.

The problem is getting enough sulfuric acid to fill a giant hole.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Alasan Tak Puasa

Tadi aku buat root canal. Ramai orang bagitau aku, root canal ni sakit. Aku pun, memegang kerusi dengan penuh daya, takut kesakitan tu datang. Tak datang pun? Aku okay je.

Root canal adalah langkah pertama untuk aku buat crowning belah kiri gigi aku. Belah kanan kena buat bridging.

Aku jugak diberi antibiotik yang aku perlu habiskan dalam masa 3-4 hari. Bermakna, aku tak puasa 3-4 hari ni. Jadi, esok aku akan ke gym. I workout!

Siaran Akhbar: Penubuhan Jejaka UMNO

Saya, Amir Hafizi, ahli UMNO nombor 10,000, juga dikenali sebagai Sang Air Mata, ingin mengumumkan penubuhan Jejaka UMNO - satu badan dalam UMNO yang terdiri daripada mereka yang kacak-kacak sahaja.

Keahlian adalah melalui proses jemputan sahaja. Mereka yang kurang hensem tidak layak untuk memohon supaya dipertimbangkan.

Sebagai lelaki paling hensem dunia, saya berhak menentukan siapa yang hensem dan siapa yang kurang hensem. Mereka yang hodoh semua sudah ditendang keluar UMNO dan menyertai parti pembangkang.

Contohnya, bekas Timbalan Presiden UMNO, Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim. Dahlah tua, buncit pulak tu. Kami tak terima orang gemuk, apatah lagi yang buncit. Setelah meneliti beberapa rakaman video, saya merumuskan yang DSAI tidak layak masuk Jejaka UMNO.

Zaid Ibrahim pun satu. Makan tak jaga. Taulah dah dapat RM200 juta. Pergilah ke gym ke, apa ke. Ini tidak. Buat parti baru - Parti Kita. Siapa 'kita' ni? Bila masa aku nak buat parti? Barbeque pun tak buat. Ko ingat, nak buat cam Astro Ceria ke? "Untuk Kita Aje!" Kalau Ceria, memanglah sesuai, sebab tumpuannya budak-budak. Ni, orang tua nak masuk Parti Kita nak buat apa? Nak dengar Justin Bieber?

Saya, kesal. Selepas Datuk Khir Toyo mengasingkan diri daripada dunia kepahlawanan, kita tiada lagi ahli UMNO yang berpipi gebu. Walaupun Khir Toyo dituduh menggunakan suntikan kolagen atau botox, saya rasa dia cukup hensem, kalau dia kuruskan badan dan buat pembedahan plastik.

Atas sebab ini, saya mengambil inisiatif untuk memperkasakan kecantikan ahli-ahli UMNO, supaya relevan dalam dunia yang makin dilanda pemanasan global dan perubahan cuaca yang ketara. Siapa mahu mengundi ahli politik yang hodoh? Kalau perangai baik takpe. Ni sekor-sekor macam jahanam. Termasuk saya sendiri.

Kalau muka pecah rumah, adakah kita boleh salahkan khalayak dan masyarakat amnya jika mereka menuduh UMNO sebagai organisasi perompak?

Justeru, demi memartabatkan UMNO, negara dan alam sekitar, saya akan mengepalai Jejaka UMNO untuk menghasilkan ahli-ahli UMNO yang cakna kecantikan.

Ingat - kecantikan adalah hak milik setiap insan.

Age of Empire

I heard there are possibly millions of new/young voters who registered in the past four/five years. And then I heard there were only like, five people or some shit who bothered to register. I don't have the actual figures because I couldn't give a shit.

One thing I can tell you is that the next few elections may be decided by a new generation of voters.

I am 32 years old. I am from Generation X, the tail-end of that generation of destroyers. We destroy what we see as flaws in the system. That is what we do.

At 32, I am already getting old. My teeth are fucked up, my health is deteriorating. Before I know it, I will no longer be able to go to polling stations. Gen Y, the younger kids of 31 and below, they will go and vote. They will decide.

As it is, if current trends continue, the younger generation will mostly swing to the Opposition and BN will eventually lose the country in 15-20 years' time. Why? Because BN is not sexy enough. For far too long, those politicians have been too comfortable with the support of the old folks, which is also waning.

Communications and engagement is better on the Opposition side, though sometimes they lie just for fucks.

It is getting better for BN, as they adapt to a new environment - you don't count out those who survived for over 50 years just like that. But I don't see any future for the ruling party unless they engage a more urbanised, youthful, tech-savvy, socially-conscious voter base.

It remains to be seen whether the old guards will be able to make themselves relevant for the aging Gen X, Gen Y and the upcoming New Silent Generation.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Pro-Active: Prostitution as the Solution to Malaysia and the World’s Problems


This is for my dear Uncle – Najib – who has asked for suggestions to beef up his Budget 2013. As the world’s greatest economist - a Super-Soros, if you will – I aim to make a case for lateral thinking in solving national problems.

Malaysia’s oil reserves will one day run out. The global market is in turmoil, with Europe fighting a losing battle and China’s economy slowing down. Added to that, the uncertainties brought about by climate change is also a threat, as agriculture (10.5% of Malaysian GDP) may be at great risk. The search for a sustainable business model and a solution to the environmental concerns continues for Malaysia, but the answer is staring at us in the face, or sometimes from dark alleys. Prostitutes and prostitution are the answer to our economic and environmental woes.

The Pick-Up Line

Malaysia has a service-oriented economy, with services amounting to 48.2% of GDP. Why not take it to the next level and extend our services to cover the sex industry?

Simply legalise prostitution and tax the hell out of them. This will be benificial to the prostitutes as the country implements a minimum wage, improve working conditions to follow occupational safety and hazard standards for pimps and prostitutes. There will be insurance, a pension scheme (optional, of course) and better healthcare for all involved.

As it is, prostitutes and pimps do not pay taxes and this is a great loss to the economy. Pimps and prostitutes are also patriots, who keep civil disobedience at a minimum by providing a necessary service. It is time that these sex workers get the recognition and place they deserve in nation building.

Plus, since I know everything there is to know about prostitution, I should be made Prostitution Minister, or Pro Minister, to handle the Prostitution Ministry and Malaysia’s sole remaining un-privatised sustainable economic resource.

First Base – Tongue-in-Butt-Cheek

Prostitutes are a renewable natural resource and bleeds sustainability through every orifice. Malaysians like to breed and then throw their children at people. This can be seen when those idiots, I mean, those model parents, brought their children along to illegal assemblies, so their progeny could be sprayed in the face with pepper and chemically-laced water.

With twisted religious dogma and stupidity combining to ensure parents who are not financially and psychologically ready provide a steady supply of hungry kids who would later on grow up to be thin and malnourished (fat prostitutes are bad prostitutes), Malaysia has a virtual conveyor belt for limitless prostitution.

Oil will run out, but humans are a resource that is infinitely renewable. One must remember the machines in The Matrix who used humans as an energy source. I offer this suggestion that had the machines developed a workable mechanical penis, the humans would be put through a far more colourful use.

Second Base – Getting There

Since we have prostitutes from all countries in Asia and beyond, this will be in line with Tourism Malaysia's 'Malaysia Truly Asia' campaign.

Former Deputy Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, seemed to realise this fact when he kept on shouting “Malays, Chinese, Indians, Ibans, Kadazans!” in 1998. I would also like to add, “Thais, Indonesians, Filipinos, Estonians, Russians, Vietnamese, Melanaus, Kayans, Bidayuhs, Penans, Kenyah, Kelabits, Negritos, Africans, Burmese, Eskimos! Dan Lain-lain!”

The former DPM also showed his support for prostitution in a famous amateur video shot by his stunt-double/groupie/look-alike/fanboy.

Third Base – The Spillage

The rise of the prostitution industry will also improve other industries significantly.
For example, health tourism will receive a boost as those afflicted with STDs will stay longer for treatment.

This will also open up other avenues for business as those who are bed-ridden in a hospital can:
A) Opt for another go with roleplaying prostitutes in nurses’ outfits.
B) Be exposed to relentless marketing and advertising of such services and products as massages, tongkat ali, kacip fatimah.

Sick people are a captive audience and should be pliable for more purchases.

Furthermore, Malaysian agriculture can certainly benefit as more condoms will be used. The best latex for condoms comes from Malaysian natural rubber. More sex means more consumption of the product.

I dream of one day standing before a landfill made almost entirely of used condoms, of Malaysian rubber. A tiny hill 20 feet high, pink and glistening in the sun – a sign of Malaysia’s virility in world economy.

Of course, we should not forget the normal beneficiaries of the sex industry – F&B, entertainment, transportation, and tourism in general. You can only have sex at most twice or three times a day – believe me, I have tried. The time between coitus for sex tourists can be filled with fun-filled activities such as gambling, going on a tour or simply consuming high-priced food.

Fourth Base – The Score

If prostitution is legalised, with several areas rezoned as red-light districts, Malaysia stands to gain at least US$1 billion GDP from this industry. This number is based on a very conservative Daily Mail estimate of the Thai sex industry in 2007. I had the link somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. Hold on. No, that’s not it.

Anyway, the US$1 billion estimate is conjured from projections of direct transactions. Following derivates further, I can safely promise that the prostitution industry can generate as much as US$20 billion or roughly 5% of Malaysian GDP (according to figures from the CIA).


I believe in prostitutes and prostitution. I believe that prostitution will lead the way in nation building and creating a sustainable economic model. I believe that prostitutes will give birth to the experts, scientists and technologists this country needs.

With a mixture of the right genes and proper selection, Malaysians can finally evolve into the trans-human species we are all destined to be. And perhaps, one day, become the creature of light we saw in Babylon 5.

I believe in the future. I believe in Malaysia.

• Source: Wikipedia

Monday, July 16, 2012

In Transit: Kuantan-Kuching

I've been travelling like a motherfucker. This year was a year of travel, and we've just crossed the halfway mark. I have travelled to almost all states in Malaysia, a few cities in Indonesia and Bangkok.

Last week, I went to Kuantan and Kuching. Kunatan, to see my father's deteriorating health and stubbornness. The hard-headed old man still refuses to do what is logically the best for his health and go to the hospital. He's from the old school, which means he believes that people go to hospitals to die, not get better.

Oh well. Nothing I more can do there.

Talking about illnesses, I went to Kuching, in search of a girl. I did not see her, but experienced much of Kuching.

The first impression I got was that Kuching has many shopping malls, but very few customers. I was there on Thursday, and my hotel was connected to Sarawak Plaza, and just across the road from Parkson. Lots of shops, but only five customers in Sarawak Plaza. Granted, it was a Thursday, but if you go to a Kuantan mall on Thursday or Monday, say East Coast Mall, you would be among throngs of shoppers.

I imagine horror stories of people spending their retirement savings to set up shop in Kuching, only to face bankruptcy a few months later.

There are lots of KFCs, though. I count three within a 100m radius. But there's only so much fried chicken one can eat. And over 200 massage parlours. I went to several commercial blocks where 50% occupancy was all massage parlours. The scary bit? I was the ONLY customer I saw.

The problem lies, I believe, in a few things. First of all, it is very difficult to enter the Sarawak market. Only Sarawakians can own Sarawak land. Any non-Sarawakian wishing to enter the state would be issued a 90-day thingy - visa, is it? And that's for Malaysians. I have no idea what it would take to work there. Maybe something as messy as immigration whatever.

And then, if you were to go to Sarawak, what would you do there? What's the special? I found what I like - a seafood place which does the best crab dish in the world, and some girls in the Sarawak nightlife. Not as good as Sabah nightlife, but it will do.

And then what? Jungles? I got a jungle outside my house in Kuantan. I'm from the swamp, motherfucker! Shopping? Shop for what? And like the fried chicken, there's only so much mee kolok and kek lapis one can eat.

However, it is not all bad. I remember Kuantan facing the same thing years ago, in the '90s. My friends and I were the only people eating at the Kuantan Parade food court. But now, Kuantan is jammed every weekend.

The Pahang State Gov developed the satellite towns around Kuantan. Gebeng, Gambang, Muadzam Shah all became industrial towns, with many factories opening up. Pekan had UMW. Temerloh and Raub focused on agriculture. Fuck Jerantut.

Also sprouting up right now are dozens of colleges and universities, funneling the almighty student dollar into businesses. I imagine that a decent-sized college could get 2000 enrollments at any given time, not counting the staff - meaning there's a market for lodgings, transport, general services, food, entertainment, health and whatnot.

The point is, after developing these townships with diverse businesses and opening up colleges, Kuantan remained the commerce centre. The only place within miles with a decent cineplex is Kuantan - whereas the one I went to in Kuching told me I must purchase four tickets at a minimum to watch any movie.

So, the thing is, if Kuching developed the surrounding areas into satellite towns with their own economic activities, they can then channel people into Kuching, to eat Mee Kolok, watch Ombak Rindu or go for a massage.

With wide spaces, the Sarawak Gov can always continue tapping into oil-and-gas (which would not last) and I dunno, plant vegetables or palm oil or rear cattle (I met one rancher with a thousand heads of cows at a pub in Kuching. Unfortunately, he's thinking of moving his whole operation to Indonesia cause the girls are hotter).

Miri would be a different conundrum, as it is fed by the oil-and-gas industries directly.

Also, since Kuching has so many massage parlours, it is perhaps a good opportunity to introduce a 'Kuching massage'. I went to these massage parlours, and was rubbed oil by Chinese and Thai masseurs. I tried looking for authentic, traditional local massages, but could not find it. Imagine that - over 200 massage parlours, and not one with a Sarawak theme.

A Kuching massage could be a variation of the Swedish deep tissue massage, or even a variation of the traditional Malay massage. Use a bamboo, get an orangutan to massage people - I dunno, just do something.

And marketing, as always, makes or breaks everything. I have seen great products die because the marketing and sales were done by orangutans. NO! Orangutans - massage. Humans - go and market the hell out of that shit.

I found out about TopSpot only through word of mouth. That place, especially the Bukit Mata seafood stall, is one of my favourite seafood places in the world - bar none. The extremely sinful Crab in Buttermilk and Honey with Salted Egg is heavenly. They also know how to cook vegetables - not too long on the fire. But where's the marketing, man?

Thais market the shit out of everything, even stuff which are not so good. And they fucking smile a lot. I sense an undercurrent of cynicism in Kuching people. Nothing wrong with that, and most were generally helpful, but that doesn't get tourists at ease. In Thailand, I just wanted people to take my money away from me so I could get to the good stuff.

Oh well. Not my problem, eh? There are currently 12 daily Air Asia flights from KL to Kuching. One every two hours. But I believe that in order to score a happy ending, the Sarawak Gov might do well by focusing on developing the surrounding areas, which they might be doing anyway. I was just rambling. DOn't mind me.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Notes on the Run: Kuching

In a few hours, I will be in Kuching. Today, I haven't stopped travelling after that trip to Kuantan.

I hope to relax when in Kuching. It's away from KL, which to me means work and away from Kuantan, which is even more stressful.

I'll be staying at the Waterfront, in the middle of Kuching itself. If I have the inclination or the energy, I'll go to the Rainforest Music Festival.

No cameras, no laptops, just me and my dick. Just the way nature intended.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Karma Chameleon

I believe that if you do good things, with good intentions, other good things will find their way to your dick. Or vagina. Whatever.

Do bad things, and within them lies the seeds of destruction.

Intention is always important. Today, after what was a tiring and sapping trip, I did some stuff and was rewarded with a free PC.

I decided to give the PC I got - for FREE - to my sister who needs one. But I am keeping the wireless keyboard because I can never have enough keyboards. My style of typing and the amount of typing I do means I go through one almost every month. When I was freelancing, it was two a month.

I'm using it now, to write this post, to acclimatise myself to its key layout. The keys are closer together and the tactile response is good. I can imagine writing more stuff on this, but with a bit more errors as - like I said - the keys are a bit closer together. Did I say it's fucking wireless?

A keyboard like this costs between RM80-RM250, and it's a Microsoft original!

Love it, love it, love it.

Now, I have some slides to do, a few articles to edit, and some checking in to do.


Half Time

I just got back from a grueling three days back home in Kuantan. I have just a few hours to do some office stuff before I hop on a flight to Kuching, Sarawak to get away from everything.

My parents' health are deteriorating, as expected. Everyone's getting older in my family. Mortality is a question we will have to deal with very soon.

Part of the reason I started my diet is to experience a healthier life. Diabetes, hypertension and a series of strokes as well as old age ravaged my father's small body and mind. Given my lifestyle and my medical history, if I don't do something now, I might be dealing with severe illnesses very soon.

I am not afraid at all of death. Death is whatever, man. I am terrified, though, of being confined to a machine that is not a giant robot for 20-30 years. And I find medical appointments a hassle, especially at an old age.

When I said time and again that I am preparing for retirement, I did not just mean getting enough money to do so (a minimum of RM2 million per person to retire), but also being able to retire from a physiological and psychological standpoint.

Meanwhile, work is fine. I'm still finding my balance in a new position (reverse cowgirl), but I'll do it step by step. First is information. I can do nothing without information, and there are all sorts of information out there. I just need to get the right data and the means to read them before formulating a plot.

My diet is working. My new haircut is a big hit and I think more women are getting wet when I walk past.

Talking about women, I am looking forward to closing a few chapters and opening new ones.

Anyway, I just ate perhaps 300gm of oats and a banana plus some almonds, so I am loaded with fiber right now. Which means I need to take a crap real soon.

I'll write again before going to Kuching. For now, fuck off and die.

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Problem with People

With people, the problem is that they listen and read what was said or wrote, and then they believe it.

I always write that my dick is three feet long. And then they believe it, causing depression and suicide rates to go up.

These are the same fuckers who vote for politicians based on cool factor and not what the motherfucker (or buttfucker) is going to do later on, when they're in power.

Just yesterday, Lim Guan Eng, the Chief Minister of Penang, said he could do away with tolls with just RM35 million. This is either crazy, stupid or genius because:

1. Maintenance of highways and expressways cost billions. PLUS' expressways ALONE costs close to a billion a year. And PLUS does not maintain ALL the highways and expressways. They control like, four or six of them.

2. Lim Guan Eng's supporters would support him anyway regardless if he says he will pull a rabbit out of his ass or something.

3. Idiots on the fence will think, "Say, that's a good deal! I'll vote for the motherfucker!"

He thinks he's so smart, but I know his plan - take all the Rm35 million, go up to Genting and bet it all on 35 Red at the roulette table.

If he wins maybe, 99 times in a row, that might be enough for this bullshit. Maybe he could then pave all of Malaysia to become one giant carpark. And build a giant robot made out of road signs.

I'm STILL neutral, but I just can't take this shit any longer. I don't give a shit whether it's BN or PR, these politicians really do believe we're stupid.

Money can't be created or destroyed, except in the US. Costs don't just disappear if you don't pay for it. Other people will have to pay. Maybe the RM35 million is to last five years of lawsuits from concessionaires or it might be enough for Lim to run away, Thaksin style.

If the (PR?) Government were to absorb the cost of maintenance alone, then what? Higher taxes?

What a load of bullshit.

Every time a politician opens his mouth - everytime - it just seems to me that they all had surgical procedures where they transplant a donkey's ass to their skull.

"Hey, where you goin', Khir Toyo?"


"Aw, fuck! You got donkey shit on my sneakers, man, what the fuck?"

"Hey, Nurul Izzah, good morning!"

"Good Hwuarghhh! SPURT! SPURT! BLERGHHHH!"

"Holy bullshit off a politician's mouth! Ewww! That's disgusting!"

The Prostitution rests.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Grapeade Expectations

I like Chili's. The mid-range restaurant provides adequate service and simple, straightforward food which I appreciate. It is also a good place to think, especially when alone.

I like ordering the Oldtimer burger, nowadays without cheese and the fries swapped with grilled veggies (broccoli and carrots), washing all that down with the limitless grapeade (which I also ask to be diluted since it can be a bit sweet).

In the past month or so, I have been to Chili's three times, mostly to have lunch, but also to think.

I have friends who constantly pick my brain for ideas, which is good because I love exercising my brain. If it doesn't get enough action, my mind tends to create doomsday scenarios and I'd easily fall into depression.

We talk about how to make right this stupid country, or save it from the stupids, all the while factoring in how we could also benefit from such projects or programmes.

Some of the ideas we came up with were brilliant, such as how to turn Malaysia into a green-energy-based economy, several years BEFORE anyone even heard of Obama and his 'green energy jobs' economic solution.

Of course, no one ever saw that and 15-30 years from now, after the oil starts to dry up, Malaysia will hop on the green energy bandwagon by paying foreign consultants millions of dollars for some basic stuff that could have been prepared long ago.

We wanted to do another Air Asia, run a manpower business, create niche websites on certain cultural and/or religious activities. In our heads, we are the entrepreneurs this country sorely needs. And it's all so simple!

After a rush of considering new possibilities, we figure out the hows, and for those who have done business or any activity, this is the most important part. Anyone can have ideas, but execution is always key.

I like the possibility of doing good business, accompanied by good CSR and good communications. I love figuring out business extensions, variations and expansions of services, products.

And then, realising my drink is finished, I ask for the free refill.

I have no idea whether any of our plans will ever see the light of day. At this age, I know that I can't afford to have any expectations.

I have a job now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I go to work every day knowing full well that there is no such thing as job security. I might end up on the streets at any time, so I don't even expect to have my salary at the end of the month, and am pleasantly surprised when it appears on my ATM slip.

If you are truly free from expectations, you can just open your arms, your mind and say "bring it on, motherfuckers".

I am not free from expectations, though. I do have one - I expect to enjoy myself and find things I enjoy doing. For now, it's building castles in the sky.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

A Post About Relationships (Eventually)

A colleague said this gem recently, "Nowadays, we treat work as if it's our relationship and our relationship as if it's work."

Which is true for a lot of us. Remember that old thing about "it's not personal, it's just business?" Not true at all, in this day and age.

People - a lot of them, at least - depend on their jobs for satisfaction in life, egoic or otherwise. Some people see their performance as extensions of their dick. Their fulfilling their KPIs, or hitting targets, 'killing' or bullying people at work as akin to bashing a penis surrogate on someone's face.

When it comes to relationships, I believe humanity - a lot of us, at least - are treating it like work.

"I sucked your dick. Now buy me a dress!"

"I paid for your food, bitch, so 29% of your pussy is mine!"

"Come on, man! I sucked your dick! I sucked your dick!"

Sex is a business transaction. Love and friendships are strategic partnerships designed to increase ROI. A thank you card is value-added takeaway.

People kept giving me advice about women, believing that after years of spending time interviewing Thai prostitutes, I couldn't get laid or that I fuck anything that walks. I appreciate the thought and the help offered, but:

First of all, I don't fuck ugly people. If you're ugly, go kill yourself. No amount of 'personality' or 'quirkiness' can balance out a truckload of ugly. And the cure for stupid, is death.

At the core of it, though, are generations of men who believe that in order to get any girl - and by 'get', they mean doing an acquisition of commodities, and by 'commodities', I mean pussy - you must do certain things, many of them stuff you wouldn't do otherwise.

Their advice consists of usually:

1. Lie

Pretend you're someone else. Someone with more money, a bigger dick, someone who has never done anything uncool in his life.

The logic is that women lie all the time. Their tits look round, but take their clothes off, and you might be momentarily confused before realising that the 'third nipple' is actually her belly button. Or that most of that globular fat is actually foam.

They wear makeup, so the eyes are bigger, cheekbones sharper, blablabla. Heels to hide the fact that they're midgets, tucking their penises up their ass, that kind of shit.

So men have to pretend they're more stable financially, or bloody fucking rich until you realise that the bravest thing he could do is brazenly ask you for money.

You have to pretend that you're an all-doting, all-protecting bullshit of the world.

I am not any of these things. I am uncool. I am the embodiment of not cool. I hate trends, I hate fads, I hate elitists as much as I do plebeians.

I don't have a lot of money. I do all right for myself, but I sure as hell won't buy you a RM2,000 dress even if you do anal. You know why? Cause the works, the whole shebang, plus anal, is just RM220 in Thailand.

It doesn't make for good business sense, does it?

And in the long run, when she discovers who you really are - a broke, small-dicked motherfucker with no future - what then? She fell for a guy who didn't exist and she's gonna leave your ass, taking whatever you have left.

2. Rituals

They say, send flowers, bitches love that shit. Surprise her!

You know what I would give to people who surprise me?

An elbow to the face.

I hate surprises and since women are also of the same species, I am guessing some of them at least would also give an elbow to the face to anyone who surprises them.

And flowers? Flowers are the reproductive organs of plants. When you're giving a girl a flower, what you're really doing is you're giving her dick. Either a symbol of emasculation or you want to see her suck your dick. Either way, I find that highly offensive.

Courting girls is not some awkward dance with with preset moves, like StreetFighter II. Girls who fall for the old 1-2 combo are dumbass motherfuckers who will only cause you grief in the end.

A lot of people have different tastes. For example, some bitches loooove getting beaten up. They really dig that shit. Some, love to be treated badly. Others, want to feel like a princess in a Disney movie, which is why I had one trapped in a cage with a tiger and an evil hunchback vizier with her vocal chords removed after transforming her into an amphibian.

3. "Look at me. I'm a douche, and I got the girl."

Well, any girl who falls for a douche is an idiot and should breed only with douchebags, creating a sub-species of simians who would all later die of extinction.

Not worth it. 6-8 billion humans in the world allows us to say fuck off and die to just about anybody.

And what's the ending, Mr Douche? Either you get depressed or both of you get depressed. There is no good outcome from that - just stupid.

I believe that any relationship worth anything should not feel like work or forced. It should feel effortless. You actually want to do things. Yes, some of the things require work, like hailing a cab or getting on a plane, or fucking, but it won't be done with a burden on your shoulders.

I carry out my fucking as I do my work - I do not lie. The minute I do, or repress anything about myself that does not need to be repressed (my raging boner for cartoon porn should be hidden from polite company, but my raging boner for Scarlett Johansson is free for all to see), then I'm out of the stupid shit.

I believe that lying destroys the world. It creates destruction for no reason. Call me stupid, but I am too arrogant to lie. I'm so fucking noble and shit.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih: Syaitan Terjemahan

Bahasa asal aku menulis bukan Bahasa Malaysia. Aku paling selesa menulis dan bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

Ini menyebabkan ramai orang bodoh menyangkakan aku ni selamanya tinggal dan membesar di Bangsar atau kawasan KL, walhal aku membesar di paya Kuantan.

Apapun, kejap lagi aku akan kongsi beberapa pusat sumber rujukan dan alat yang mampu menolong sesiapa membuat terjemahan Inggeris-Melayu:

1. Pemahaman konteks sosial

Baik, kalau ingin menterjemah Bahasa Inggeris ke Bahasa Melayu, atau apa-apa bahasa, yang pertama sekali perlu ada pemahaman kedua-dua budaya. Ini amat penting untuk memahami konteks atau topik yang ingin diterjemah.

Kalau tiada pemahaman corak pemikiran atau budaya, terjemahan akan jadi seperti sarikata tanpa kualiti.

Contoh: The elves use cunning.

Terjemahan TV pada tahun 1980an (ini contoh yang betul-betul wujud): Kaum 'elves' menggunakan 'carning'.

Tanpa memahami apa itu 'elves' (orang halus), dan persepsi orang Barat pada mereka (licik, nakal), sukar untuk mengambus lubang pengetahuan apa maksud perkataan 'cunning' (licik) yang terus diterjemah sebagai 'carning' sebab kedangkalan diri sendiri.

Jika kita lihat budaya Jepun, kata-kata nista dan carutan yang paling kurang ajar bukan merujuk kepada alat kelamin, tetapi kepada cara memanggil orang yuang ingin dicaci.


Anata, Anta, Kimi, Omae, Kisama semua diterjemah sebagai 'awak atau kau', tetapi sebenarnya melambangkan betapa biadabnya memanggil orang.

Anata dan anta - amat sopan. Kimi - biasa. Omae - sama dengan 'kau', agak tidak sopan. Kisama - paling kurang ajar, dan rasanya bermaksud 'encik pokok' (hahaha!).

Dalam filem animasi Princess Mononoke, Neil Gaiman yang membuat terjemahan telah mendapat tahu yang salah satu ayat dialog dituturkan bermaksud "Sup ini rasa macam air". Dia bertanya, kenapa? Jawapannya: watak itu cuba menghina tukang masak sup tersebut.

"Berapa hina, cacian ini?" tanya Neil Gaiman.

"Amat menghina," kata Ghibli Studios.

Tetapi kalau dibiarkan, maka "Sup ini rasa macam air." tidak membawa konteks yang sama dalam Bahasa Inggeris dengan tamadun dan peradaban mereka, jadi Gaiman telah menukar ayat itu menjadi, "Sup ini rasa macam kencing keldai."

2. Kamus Inggeris-Melayu Dewan

Kalau sudah faham konteks naskah yang ingin diterjemah, maka kita beri tumpuan pada alat menterjemah pula.

Kamus Inggeruis-Melayu Dewan, kamus terhebat untuk terjemahan Bahasa Inggeris ke Bahasa Malaysia.

3. www.dbp.gov.my

Kalau tiada duit atau tidak terpikul kamus yang besar itu, maka layari www.dbp.gov.my yang telah menyediakan semua kandungan Kamus Dewan, Kamus Inggeris-Melayu Dewan dan semua sumber bertulisnya dalam enjin carian secara percuma.

4. Bacalah, dengan nama Tuhan yang best

Rajin-rajinlah membaca sebab tiada penterjemah yang bodoh. Perkasakan ilmu di dada. Dan jangan berhenti bertanya.

Secret Agent Man

A dear friend and boss told me that to achieve my goal of retirement, I can do one of two things:

1. Do a successful business.

2. Climb the corporate ladder.

I'm not much of a climber. Any position I filled is usually given to me and I always have a lingering suspicion it is because there's no one else to do the work.

My approach of working the shit out of anything and everything, of hitting things with hard work until it stops moving, is hardly a viable, sustainable or even sound corporate strategy.

Sheer boneheadedness has its uses, but doesn't really work for all situations. I lack the smooth-talking, sales-oriented, conniving shit that defines a lot of successful people.

I refuse to lie, which is bad because everybody lies. I can read people's minds, but have put in place mental blocks not allowing me to capitalise on that.

I understand people, which distresses me because people suck. Ignorance is bliss, I guess, and being the smartest man in the world means I am constantly in despair.

Business? Ditto.

So perhaps the best thing I can do is to be a Secret Agent Man. Or Spider-Man, cause that's what Winamp is playing right now.

Antara Binatang dan Manusia. Juga, Robot

Caption: Tetek Ranum!

Sesetengah orang memang manusia. Kau boleh duduk bincang dan berkomunikasi macam manusia. Mereka mendengar dan dengan jujur meluahkan isi hati mereka. Kejujuran itu mercu seorang manusia.

Kalau binatang, kau kena hambat macam lembu. Kau kena maki, kena terajang, sepak, lempang sampai dia paham, "Api, bodoh." atau "Jangan main lancap kat batang kelapa tu boleh tak?"

Aku? Aku robot. Aku mesin. Aku pedulittaik. Muahahahaha!

House of M: Kodak-Godak-Gotham

In my search for more information  and perspective on changing media trends, I was suddenly compelled to read this:


  This article first appeared in The Edge Weekly and (for those of you too lazy and/or stupid to go and read it), it is about what made Kodak great and why it died.

In essence, the article tells us, Kodak was born when the US had two great resources in abundance: scientists and technologists (knowhow) and entrepreneurs (knowwhatthefuck).

Kodak was the product of American ingenuity and innovation. At a time when failure was just a step towards success. There was a lot of experimentation going on, a lot of failures, but the thought is that out of 10 failures, if there is only one success, that would have been fantastic.

The writer of the article, Dr. Nungsari Ahmad Radhi, suggests that Malaysia and its industries would do well to invest in innovations and entrepreneurship rather than doing more of the same.

Malaysia's economy is highly dependent on oil. And if you remember Dr M, he once said that businessmen and corporations must do more than just build houses and sell them.

The Man saw what was coming. All these economic activities are not renewable. One day, there will be no more oil. One day, there will be no more land on which to build houses. What then? Are we to depend on US Foreign Aid? Should we have a civil war? What, motherfucker, what?

In the context of the media, I agree fully that we should not and cannot continue to do only the same thing, even if it is working. It is working wonderfully. For now. But the media industry is changing more rapidly than the oil industry. Do you really expect to do the same thing 50 years from now?

Maybe you believe that should be decided by your sons and daughters, and it is really not your problem. In that case, you should not have children. In fact, cut off your own balls because you are a selfish retard.

The media industry is changing so hard, we may not be able to recognise it five years down the line. I thought we had 50 years, but seriously? If it is to remain a vibrant industry and not a subsidized zombie, many risks must be taken. Losses and losers must exist before we can find a few winners.

Personally? I just want to retire. I hate the fact that for the next 10 or 20 years of my career, I might have to roll up my sleeves and fail even more times, rather than stick to what I do best and be done with it.

I'm not the Goddamn Batman. But like Batman, I always have a plan.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih: Terjemahan

Aku seringkali membuat cadangan nama kepada beberapa syarikat dan rakan niaga aku, untuk khidmat terjemahan. Akhirnya, aku biasa bersengkang mata tengah-tengah malam buta, menulis semula atau menterjemah kembali kerja yang dibuat. Sambil itu, kata-kata dan integriti aku, kepercayaan orang kepada aku semakin terhakis sebab mencadangkan mereka yang tiada kemahuan dan kerajinan.

Itulah sebabnya, mereka yang aku kekal berurusan hingga hari ini, mereka yang boleh pakai sahaja. Yang tak boleh pakai, aku rasa baik ambil borang, dan pohon bantuan Azam Niaga daripada Kerajaan.

Pasaran terjemahan di Malaysia agak baik, dengan bayaran yang berpatutan. Aku memberi khidmat kepada pelanggan besar dan kecil dengan saksama, tetapi keutamaan memang diberikan kepada pelanggan besar dengan akaun besar yang membayar dengan pantas.

Aku fikir, rezeki yang ada cukup untuk semua, dan aku berharap ramai lagi yang boleh membuat kerja terjemahan - sama ada dengan aku atau sendiri. Jadi, aku ingin kongsi beberapa perkara yang boleh menolong menjadikan sesiapa penterjemah yang baik:

1. Google Translate hanya untuk mereka yang terencat akal atau berukera

Kalau kau seekor beruk, maka gunalah Google Translate, sebab tangan kau keras dan sukar menaip. Google Translate telah dihasilkan oleh seorang penulis perisian yang mengalami tekanan emosi sebab ibunya dirogol oleh seekor anjing.

Mereka yang menggunakan Google Translate untuk membuat terjemahan samalah dengan seekor berukera yang suka minum air kencing sendiri.

2. BACA DAHULU artikel sebelum menterjemah

Ramai orang yang mahu membuat terjemahan hanya menterjemah perkataan secara individu, tanpa memikirkan konteks mahupun mesej/isi kandungan/pesanan yang ingin disampaikan.

Contoh: After Abu solved the case, he went out to party with Isabella, where they had sex all night long.

Terjemahan Pemalas: Selepas Abu menyelesaikan itu kes, dia keluar untuk majlis dengan Isabella, di mana mereka ada jimak seluruh malam panjang.

Terjemahan Beruk: Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang Pisang, TAIK! Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik Taik!

 Kalau kita perhatikan Terjemahan Pemalas, benda paling aku menyampah, penggunaan 'di mana'. Bagi aku, dalam BM, tak wujud perkataan 'di mana' untuk menggantikan 'where'.

Mereka yang menggunakan 'di mana' semuanya Berukera Dari Planet Zargus.

3. Ikut nahu/tatabahasa BM

Nahu atau tatabahasa BM sukar untuk diikut sebab Nik Safiah Karim dan rakan-rakan suka menukar undang-undang bahasa setiap 3 bulan.

Pada tahun 1997, cikgu-cikgu Bahasa Malaysia aku antara panel menetapkan soalan SPM. Mereka diwajibkan pergi kursus bahasa setiap tiga bulan. Setiap suku tahun ini, ejaan banyak berubah.

Contoh: Keretapi menjadi kereta api, kemudian keretapi, kereta api balik, dan akhirnya keretapi sebaik sebelum SPM. Sama dengan jalanraya, lebuhraya, walaubagaimanapun (kadang-kadang walau bagaimanapun). Sebab itu, sampai hari ini, aku selalu pakai 'Namun' dan 'Justeru' sebagai wacana, sebab bila aku tulis 'walaubagaimanapun', aku jadi sangsi.

Jangankan perkataan, nama matapelajaran pun asyik tukar sebab pengaruh ahli politik. Dendam kesumat aku pada ahli politik bermula sejak mereka asyik menukar Bahasa Malaysia menjadi Bahasa Melayu, Bahasa Malaysia balik, Bahasa Melayu Malaysia dan akhirnya Bahasa Malaysia.

Jika Perdana Menteri Malaysia, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak menukar nama bahasa kita menjadi Bahasa 1Malaysia, aku bersumpah akan mengundi parti pembangkang pada kesemua pilihanraya akan datang. Kini dan selamanya.

Namun (wacana!), ada beberapa undang-undang bahasa yang aku ikut. Pertama, 'dari' dan 'daripada'. 'Dari' untuk masa dan tempat. Dia bekerja dari pagi hingga petang. Dia berasal dari Kuching, Sarawak. 'Daripada' untuk asal-usul dan semua yang lain. Iron Man diperbuat daripada kayu cengal.

Kalau ingin tahu nahu dan tatabahasa yang betul dan terkini, maka beleklah majalah terbitan DBP seperti Dewan Siswa (kalau masih diterbitkan). Kesalahan tatabahasa dalam majalah itu tidak banyak.

Maaf, aku kembali bekerja sekarang. Esok aku harus ke klinik gigi kerajaan sebab (oh, ya, aku kurang menggunakan 'kerana' sebab satu undang-undang yang aku sudah lupa) aku sudah rongak dan sudah kurang gadis-gadis sunti yang mahu melakukan hubungan seks luar nikah dengan aku - Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih.

- Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Freedom Twits

Twitter is the last bastion of stupidity. And freedom. It is the one place where no one owns anything and because of that, participation level is high.

Human nature dictates, fueled by our egos, we naturally want to own or dominate something, even if it's un-ownable. Especially if it's impossible to own. For example, I would like to be Scarlett Johansson's slave-master.

I want to buy her from her management whatever and I want to fuck her everyday and make her clean my apartment.

All major corporations, governments and huge assholes - even the poor ones - want to own everything. On Twitter, that can't happen for very long.

The best that major entities can do is make a strong, solid case for themselves and remain true to that message and/or stand. Then they have to remain effective and consistent sending out that message on Twitter and all other channels, which means more jobs for people.

So if anyone ever tries to sell the thought that he or she is a Twitter God, Demi-God, King, Prince, Queen, Princess or Guru, he/she is lying.

No one owns that shit. You can be effective at it, and for a limited time at that, for specific topics, but you can never own it. And without ownership, there is freedom. That freedom is expensive and may one day cost everyone, if Twitter's IPO flops.

In Malaysia, there are people and parties who I sense are jostling for power and influence. One good thing about this is that without support from the people at the grassroots level, they are powerless. The bad thing is that a lot of people are easily deceived.

What do I want from Twitter? I want it to continue to be nebulous and chaotic. I honestly want major entities to keep coming to me to make sense of it all.

I am no God, Guru or Techno-Rat. I just live here, online, since 1996 - I'm a late bloomer. I can offer you insight, strategy that works and to weed out conmen.

And I want Twitter to be free, because its freedom is ours - we own it.

Vote Amir Hafizi for Permatang Pauh 2013.


Recently, some people in loosely connected spheres started fighting. And by 'fighting', I meant they started Cold-Warring the shit out of each other.

It is in my best interest to shut up, but my masturbation failed just now because my dick refused to come even after I wanked it for an hour. It's still hard. Yeah, I guess when I have sex, I can last for two hours or more.

Anyway, I am the Lord of Destruction. My brother Mephisto is the Lord of Hate, so I know somewhat about hate.

The first half of my adult life was spent hating. Hating others is like taking poison and wishing those other people to die. Hate is also purely egotistical. My hate stemmed from the FACT that I am way smarter than everyone else. I am also more honourable, more handsome, and my dick can fuck for two-three hours straight and can go hard in just two seconds.

Despite all these clear advantages and the fact that I am the next step in evolution - the next giant leap for human existence - I was still not made Carnifex and Psychopomp of the omniverse.

I went on a rampage of why. Why this, why that.

It wasn't until I was with a prostitute in the back alleys of Bangkok, sharing a late supper of prawn fried rice, that I understood the meaning of it all. That night, I cracked the code, amongst other things. I finally saw what mattered and what didn't. Whole vistas of awareness opened up for me and all I had to do was look in or step out into it.

I have recorded some of my revelations here, on this site, and you can read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth to understand way more. Ayn Rand is a dick trying to convince assholes into becoming even bigger assholes.

My enlightenment is just better. Hahahahaha!

That was a joke, because if you are truly enlightened, there is no such thing as 'better'.

And if you really didn't care, if you are really strong enough to exist without relying on the approval of others, you really wouldn't give a shit what other people say or do.

When I was hated on, when I first found out people were whispering nasty things behind my back, I reacted, emotionally. And by 'whispering', I meant there were some people who hated me so much, they circulated memos in their office to 'Beware of Amir, Satan Himself, The Dark Lord Lucifer Morningstar'.

And by reacting emotionally, I meant I was laughing my ass off. Not because I didn't give a shit. I was trying to convince myself and others I didn't give a shit. It all became an image game. I had the need to convince myself and others that I was strong. And that, my friends, was my weakness.

Because if you truly, truly didn't give a shit, you wouldn't react at all. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally. It would all pass through you like you were space. Not spaced out, but just space.

Yoda is right. Hate comes from fear. And it only leads to suffering. Hate comes from fear that you are what an event or a thing or a person wants you to be. It is totally irrational because there is one truth and no one can change that truth - not you, not your friends and not your 'enemies'.

There are no 'sides' simply because we are all connected. From the viewpoint of God, each os us and our silly little lives would seem nothing but tiny specks on another speck. From the viewpoint of geological ages, our time here is as short as the blink of an eye. If you draw a line from the beginning of time till now - a total of around what, 3 billion years? - human existence is most probably just 2 million years old.

And the drama of your boyfriend cheating on you or your husband beating you up, is just a teensy, tiny fraction of that.

At the end of the day, none of this, none of us, matters. From the planet's standpoint, humans are merely a virus and our civilisations just a series of rashes it needs to scratch one day, if it ever awakens.

Scientists are saying that the physical human body might have reached its peak. We cannot evolve physically beyond what we are now. Which could mean that the only way to go forward is to evolve our presence and spiritual essence into something else.

And hate would just be an outdated concept like a third eye or vestigial tail that would only hold us back.