Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Ultimate Merde: Real Malaysian Heroes

Growing up, I have always wondered why our most celebrated heroes all die of horrible deaths?

Lt Adnan, was a fine soldier. He's great. Served his country. Held on till the last breath. But he died, in the end. Killed by Japanese. His body was hung upside down, and each soldier to pass would stick a bayonet in him.

Bukit Kepong. They ALL died.

I mean, I am not questioning the heroic status of these legends. They are legends. They are heroic.

But... don't we have any heroes who survived? Heroes who triumphed? Why does everyone have to die? Horribly? It's okay if they died of old age or something.

You know what that does to our psyche? Fatalism. Morbid fatalism.

"No matter how great we are, how hard we fight, someone would come and kill us all."

Yeah, Scotland's greatest hero William Wallace died. But he died after accomplishing what kings and lords and whoever couldn't do. Unite the barbarians.

I believe that Malaysia's propaganda machine in the past was not working very well. They failed to realise what these stories would do to the nation's psyche. As a result, we are a people ruled by guilt. Survivors' guilt. Stockholm syndrome. A masochistic society. An apathetic one.

The biggest thing about Kanang Anak Langkau, to me, is the fact that later on in life, he was mostly forgotten. That was the story.

I see Malaysians as becoming like African Americans. Needing manufactured heroes like Undercover Brother and Black Dynamite. How Americans need Superman and merged the founding fathers with Jesus so as to create heroes they can believe in, in their love affair with Capitalism and cynicism.

Our movies hardly had the spirit of the trailer voice guy.

We can't do, "In a world, where laughter is sin, ONE MAN dares it all."


"In a time, where rempits ruled the streets, ONE MAN challenges himself to wrest control and reign as King Rempit."

I watch TV, right, and ALL the dramas about struggle, about how ONE MAN dared to be hardworking and take on three jobs at a time, are solved with the ONE MAN marrying a rich girl, or a is a rich man's son who pretends to be poor to find true love.

What utter bullshit.

So, "No matter how hard I work, or how successful I am, the only thing I need to do is get married."


Give me some TV contracts, motherfucker. I'll spin tales of hard work and being smart without being a bastard about it. And in 40 years, when those kids grow up, they'll carry these values within them and be the next generation of Malaysian heroes.

And they don't have to be killed. Horribly.

Ultimate Merde: The Brown Man's Burden

White people came here more than 500 years ago and colonised us. It was like, 'white man's burden' and shit. Gold, gospel, glory and shit.

Funnily enough, the poem White Man's Burden by Rudyard Kipling was first published in 1899. The people who came here before that needed no moral justification. They came (a lot), they saw, and they kongkeked (a lot).

I blame no current generation of the white people for colonialisation, as much as I don't blame any current generation of the Japanese for the Second World War. Given the same circumstances and a spirit of Malaysia Boleh, we could have gone and conquered Europe 500 years ago.

Imagine that.

English people watching Liga M. Speaking Bahasa Malaysia. Wondering why their great people are so stupid and hung up over breeding, when there are many other things to do and accomplish.

The 1995 film White Man's Burden shows this world, where the middle and upper class are all blacks, and the whites all live in ghettos, grind under the heels of social discrimination.

At the end of everything, it is all about money. Religion, civic responsibility are all just something to make history a little easier to swallow. Like washing your dick properly and sprinkling some sugar on it so the girl can suck it like a lollipop.

Religion's highest officials, their biggest users, know that it's all bullshit. All the wars, murder, rape. Everything that religion ever stood for - all religions - have been twisted so as to keep the minds of man in bondage.

So we obsess ourselves with meaningless rituals, fruitless debate over who fucked whom, when and where, while the essence of charity and goodwill is lost forever under the questions of fashion and eating habits.

I find the white man's colonisation of these here lands as less sinister than the cultivation and subjugation of human faith and belief, which happens all over the world, in all forms of religion.

Essentially, all religions and traditions tell of the same stories, and of the same lessons.

One day, something or someone created the world. It could have been Science. It could have been Atheismo. Who knows? Who cares? Do we get points if we get it right? Has God ever been described as a petty, jealous being?

There was once a great flood. Or a great disaster. Ice age, or ice age melting, anyone?

The lessons are simple. Be excellent to each other. And party on, dudes! Do good stuff. Don't do bad stuff. How to differentiate them? The kingdom of God is within you. Masjidil Haram is the temple of God that exists not within stone or mortar, but within ourselves. Hinduism talks of Atman - the indwelling God. Buddhists talk of the Buddha nature within us all. We know what is good and what is bad. And each of us vote as to where the line is.

One thousand and five hundred years ago, it was okay to marry a 9 year old. Now, it's not. In most places. That's humanity's vote right there.

All religions talk of the same shit. The religions all claim to be a manual for life. How to be. But the people have turned religion just as a question of lifestyle. Of how to do. Fashion and food. Dark magic. Rituals. Instead of the core, we obsess with the bullshit fringes of religion. Afraid to look at it in the eye and listen to what it's saying.

Oh well. I am not here to moralise you idiots. I don't believe in morals, because morals change, over time. I simply share what I see, which is a big, fat joke. Haha. I get it. I am the face of the Malaysian Dream. You're looking at it. And as the world goes nuts, I'll laugh at the comedy of it all.

Umpama Mimpi, Oprah Winfrey

Aku mimpi tadi.

Aku dijemput ke US untuk menceritakan bagaimana beruk-beruk yang duduk di Asia boleh buat filem. Beruk = orang Asia, dari kaca mata mat salleh.

Aku duduk dekat opis/rumah tumpangan mewah Oprah Winfrey. Show kitorang malam tu kot? Aku dipanggil, jumpa dia. Dia layan aku macam aku ni binatang yang pandai bercakap gak la.

AKu cerita kat dia, aku sebenarnya nak buat filem la, blablabla la, tapi takde duit. Hutang piutang keliling pinggang la, bapak aku sakit la. Aku rasa jadi cam budak Afrika yang cerita macamana dia jadi hamba abdi je.

Oprah senyum je. Pastu dia berbisik dengan secretary dia, pastu dia blah pasal ada appointment lain.

Dalam beberapa jam lepas tu, secretary Oprah Winfrey panggil aku. Dia kasi aku USD10 juta. USD10,000 tunai, yang selebihnya dalam bentuk cek.

Dia jugak bagi aku benda cam iPod, tapi bukan Apple yang keluarkan. Ada recording wishes semua selebriti US yang menderma kat aku. Entah kenapa, ada Redman, ada NFL punya blacks, ada Eminem dan geng dia, Chris Rock, Bill Maher, Bon Jovi dan mamat yang aku rasa agak geli tapi sebab dia kasi aku banyak duit, aku ok je - Matthew McCsusahnakeja. Ada jugak Jennifer Aniston dan Arnold Schwarzennegger.

Aku cuba nak explain kat secretary tu, USD10 juta cam banyak sangat, pastu bukanlah aku ni mangsa perang ke apa. Baik kasi kat orang Afrika ke, apa ke. Tapi secretary tu cakap, Oprah suruh buat, dia buat je.

AKu rasa segan.

So, bila Oprah balik, aku pergi kat dia, cakap thanks. "Aku akan gunakan duit ni untuk tujuan yang baik," aku bagitau dia dalam bahasa mat salleh.

Dia senyum je, pastu ajak aku pergi studio.

Dalam kereta, dia suruh berenti dekat satu newsstand, pasal dia cakap aku nak beli rokok.

AKu rasa tak best beli rokok masa siang, bulan puasa, kat tempat terdedah, walaupun kat US. Jadi aku cakap, takpe, aku beli suratkhabar je lah.

Aku keluar, pastu nak sampai ke newsstand punya lah susah.

Kat dalam bangunan. Apa kejadahnya tu?

Aku sampai, lepas tu aku tanya, suratkhabar Malaysia ada tak?

Mamat cashier tu - orang tua - main search kat cash register je. Gila canggih cash register dia.


So aku cakap, aku nak beli suratkhabar local diorang.

Dia mula-mula buat tak paham, pasal dia orang Jerman.

Pastu, dia ambik la dalam lima naskah suratkhabar. Apa nama pun aku tak tau suratkhabar dia tu.

Aku tanya, berapa?

Dia buat kira-kira sikit punya lama.

Aku dah rasa cam dah lambat nak pergi balik ke limo Oprah ni.

Mamat cashier tu berenti mengira. 72, dia cakap.

Hish! Takkan la lima suratkhabar, USD72? Gila ke apa?

Oooh, silap, silap, dia cakap. Dia dah siap convert ke RM. Apala lu mat. Aku ada USD la.

Tapi, takkan la mahal bebenor suratkhabar kat sini?

Sambil dia kira balik, aku dah resah pasal aku lambat nak balik ke kereta Oprah. Dalam kepala hotak aku, dah macam-macam alasan.

Dalam keadaan resah-gelisah tu, aku terjaga. Apa punya mimpi daaa.

Dangerous Mimes

Look who I found on Facebook. My old English teacher from high school. She now resides in Thailand.

One thing I like about this teacher is the fact that she never gave us homework. No baggage. Just finish everything in class.

I mean, most teachers, they tell you to do shit, carry their pain back with you. Miss Razianna never did. Instead, she told us to read books, which I did. A lot. In school.

I was never one of the cool kids, and not nerdy enough to be the nerds who always scores over 90% in their Add. Maths. I hated Integration. Nested ones are always crazy to do.

And the cool kids, man, they were fucking each other. Which is fine. But rape? Na-ah, man. That wasn't cool. And we were in an all-boys' school.

Some people nowadays, they relish in stories how they were bullied in college. Fuck you, man. All their stories about shit in college, we went through when we were 13 years old.

You don't know jack shit till you had to walk off surprise buttsecks.

Me? I spent most of my time, stealing books from the library. I always returned them, but since my library card was suspended in Form One, when I borrowed a book for eight months and reread it like a few hundred times, that was the only way I could read.

My school got a big budget. But most of it went to food. The cool kids go off almost every night to buy food outside, and to buy cigarettes. When they got caught, they were interrogated, Gestapo style, and they give the lame excuse that they were hungry.

They weren't hungry. They just needed cigarettes. We were eating five times a day. Fuck hungry, motherfucker! Are you diabetic or some shit?

So the library budget went to food. I was on the committee to determine the menu. That lasted two weeks. What a dumbass committee.

Now, I hear things are so bad, they send kids back on weekends, cause they can't feed them no more.

I don't know. Maybe the country is going bankrupt. I am just relieved I got out with my ass intact.

However, despite the low priority on the library, they got some good books.

I read three sets of children's encyclopedia, and the entire Stephen King collection. They got Asimov, Clarke, Robert J Sawyer, blablabla. They got Penguin shit and whatever else.

Piers Anthony, and some really cool illustration books by Michael Whelan.

The most borrowed book must have been the Lone Wolf series. Assholes write on the back pages, and I hated that.

Yeah, I spent most of my time evading buttsex by reading books. And sleeping. None of the seniors knew of my proficiency in English. Otherwise, they might ask me to do stuff.

One guy knew, and he asked me to write letters to his girlfriend. Fuck, man. The girl's a fucking retard. And her boyfriend was equally stupid. But I got protection. Muahahaha!

I was writing those stupid shit letters based on classic sci-fi convention. They didn't know jack shit. Dumbass!

The girl was all like, "Kissing a man who smokes is like licking an ashtray."

Fuck you too, bitch! Call the cops!

And the guy, he was like, "What's an ashtray?"

Goes to show the state of education in the country.

back then, man, some of the teachers were cool. Puan Nirwana was overly emotional, but I can't say shit, cause I'm just as bad. Mr Lee Chee Peng was one of the best maths teachers you could find.

Mr Lim Swee Boon taught Biology. He was good, that I decided to get an A for my SPM. Puan Khalijah and her partners in BM crime were really great BM teachers.

I took acting when I was in Form Two, and won the Sectionals for our dumb portrayal of Pasir Salak. In BM. We never had any such luck in English plays. It seems that the judges find English-speaking girls to be quite cute.

I studied Japanese for four years, and it is one of my regrets that I didn't take it seriously.

For PMR, all but seven out of 124 kids in my batch got 8As. PMR was easy. We hardly studied.

SPM was a different matter. I focused on only six subjects - BM, English, Modern Maths, Biology, Basic Economics and Islamic Education.

I got A1s for BM, English, Modern Maths and Basic Economics. A2 for Biology, and C3 for Islamic Education. Goes to show, I had no interest in that subject.

To make up for it, somehow, I got A2 for Physics. Making my aggregate a total of 8. Beating my sister by one point (she got 9). I never let her forget. Hahahahaha.

I mean, BM, it was easy. Only dumbass motherfuckers can't score in BM. The essay questions are all taken from Dewan Siswa. Format? One intro, one conclusion, and three to five paras of points with examples. Bada bing! Instant 40 marks. Can't get any easier.

English, we had two marking systems. Malaysian standard, and O Level or 1119. I aced both. Why? Well, to intimidate those who check your papers, simply pepper in Latin phrases or French. They'll think you're really smart or the child of a rich man.

Caveat Emptor. Let the buyer beware. Coup de grace. Finishing touch. Tete-a-tete. Face to face. And that's an A1 there.

Modern Maths is easy. The hardest thing was the Pythagoras Theorem. And Pythagoras Theorem is to modern mathematicians what a dummy is to a baby. KAH SOH TOA. Easy!

Basic Economics only has one graph. ONE. The supply-demand curve. You need to find the equilibrium. Study that graph and get 15 points! Know how to do your taxes, and bada bing! Another 15 points.

Biology, well, that's a bit more complicated but manageable.

Physics? I hated physics. They always throw in these dumbass IQ questions, designed to trick you. You can't just memorise formulas. Thank God, and Science, that I am smart.

Ah, those days were not the greatest days of my life. But I spent five years there, only to get a single digit aggregate in SPM, and I managed that. That was all I wanted from that dumb place. And I got to read and steal books, and meet excellent teachers.

Oh well. I'll see them again.


Kisah Pengembaraan Hitam: Blackout di Bangsar

Aku baru terjaga, hasrat di hati nak menulis reviu filem, apabila kipas berhenti berpusing. Takde letrik!

Aku call LLN. Oops. Tenaga Nasional.

Mamat tu mula-mula taknak datang, atau keberatan nak datang. Suruh aku check sendiri. Aku macam, "Saya tak tau la, bang 11kV tu apa? Macam 11kg ke? Ni boleh kena renjatan eletrik tak ni? Boleh mati ke?"

Gitu le lebih kurang.

Kredit untuk TNB, datang la jugak mamat tu.

Check rumah aku, ok je. Check floor - pun okay.

Kitorang check blok punya fuse room. Dia cakap, "Ini bukan kitorang buat ni. Ini management buat ni."

AKu call management. Dia pun keberatan nak datang.

Muncul la pulak seorang mamat Cina yang rumahnya pun takde eletrik. "Ni biasa ni," dia cakap.

So, kalau biasa, amacam brader? Lu nak repair sendiri ke?

Dia tengok semua suis on, dia tak berani la pulak. Lu cakap lebih la bro.

Aku follow keluar, terjenguk la aku dalam kereta mamat TNB tu. Laaa. Ada awek rupanya, tengah tidur/lentok. Awek... atau adik. Atau bini. Atau bohsia. Manalah aku tau.

Aku dah malas nak tunggu, aku naik balik, ingat nak tido.

Tiba-tiba, eletrik dah ada balik. Ada orang ketuk kat pintu. Brader management tu peluk aku.

"Saya tengah enjoy, saya dengar brader Amir ada problem, saya tak jadi enjoy."

Haihhh. Ye, aku tau aku disayangi. Terima kasih.

Gila drama, blackout kali ni.

Monday, August 30, 2010


Malaysia is over 50 years old. Because before that, we were ground under the heels of the British, the Japanese, the Dutch and the Portuguese for 500 years. Half a millenium, we were not free.

Why is freedom so important? Because without freedom, we might as well be dead.

All my life, all my schemes, all my effort it has always been to achieve freedom. Freedom from everything, including myself.

Then I realised that the ultimate freedom, is death.

Some people say, freedom's not all it's cracked up to be. Well, these people have never been free. Don't talk about things you know nothing about. You look like a fool and an asshole. And that is what most people want. To LOOK cool.

That's why they create systems of belonging. They have circles and groups and fucking clubs. Well, fuck that, man.

Belonging is a shackle. It's imaginary, but it always holds you back. You BELONG somewhere. You BELONG to things, to a building, to a people. To an imaginary pink unicorn.

Why? Cause belonging to some bullshit like that, erases your responsibility to yourself. Takes away your freedom to choose, because your choices have been made for you. You don't have to think. And you like that, don't you, you stupid motherfucker?

Well, I'm not here to take the moral high ground, cause I don't believe in morals. Or high ground. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do, cause they never listen, and they always end up dead or miserable, no matter what.

I'm just here to say, I'm still standing, saying fuck the free world. As long as I live in alignment with The Truth, I am free. And no one can change that.

Fuck all you motherfuckers. You will never attain true happiness anyway. So fuck off and die.

Mesut Mourinho

With the signing of Mesut Ozil, I now have two of my favourite people in football at Real Madrid.

There's Jose Special One Mourinho, and then there's Ozil, who surprised me at an otherwise very lame World Cup this year.

Now, if only Pablo Aimar could play there. But no. Aimar is one of the greatest undiscovered superstars of the game. He is a star, but never a superstar, having been overshadowed by that idiot Juan Sebastian Veron - who didn't really perform for Argentina later in his career as well as some others.

My favourite players have all been central or attacking midfielders, barring Dutch winger Arjen Robben.

One of my least favourite - Cristiano Ronaldo - is also at Real, which is a necessary evil, I guess. They should sell him back to Man Utd. I don't like him. Though he did score 26 goals last season.

I believe in Mourinho, though I am guessing it would take at least two seasons for him to win a significant trophy.

Looks like this season, I will be supporting Real - a team I hate, though having been losers in the past two years qualify for my underdog clause.

Now, if only Mourinho can go to Juventus and bring Ozil with him a few seasons from now.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Idiotic Fallacy

I was having a conversation with someone last night, which stretched to a few hours. It was one of those useful conversations. A great one.

Me: I don't understand why people are so threatened when I say, "I live and die by The Truth".

She: Ah, that's because, for idiots, when anyone talks, 99% of the time, they think it's about them.

Me: But, no, it's about me.

She: No no no. When you say, "I only tell The Truth" or "I believe in telling The Truth" their egos shrink and all they think about is, "Oh shit! He is accusing me of being a two-faced liar. And I AM a liar! Oh no!"

Me: Well, that's stupid.

She: What do you expect? We are surrounded by idiots.

Me: Oh well. Then they must have really hated it when I said, "I believe that all belief systems, no matter how stupid or idiotic, suits the person believing it. My belief systems recognises that all belief systems are right. For that person. Therefore, my belief system is RIGHT, and others are WRONG!"

She: They only hear, "My belief system is stupid and idiotic."

Me: I was being sarcastic. To myself.

She: Yes, but they would all think that you think their belief systems are stupid and idiotic.

Me: Well... I do think ALL their belief systems ARE stupid and idiotic.

She: Hahahaha.

Me: I know, right? I mean, it's like, what the fuck? Ayat seribu rupiah. You say the incantations, and a thousand rupiahs will materialise out of thin air in front of you? I mean, there is quantum physics and superstring theory, there's The Secret, and then there's pure bullshit.

She: Like I said. We are surrounded by idiots.

Me: We should leave.

She: We should.

Me: They're closing up anyway. No more business.

She: Nope. It's all over now.

Wira-Wira Tempur dan Sihir: Kunci Perang

Aku tengah main Heroes of Might and Magic V. MASIH lagi kat kempen warlock. Bosan nak mampus sial, warlock ni.

Aku dah tawan lima bandar pun, tak habis lagi. Nak suruh aku pergi lawan askar setan.

Nak lawan pulak, kena banyak pakai magik. Kalau aku dah habis manna camana? Bodoh betul la kempen warlock ni. Tak best langsung. Ptui!

Baik kalau ada bahagian kempen Bomoh.

Askar-askar dia?

Hantu Raya. Pelesit. Suangi. Pontianak. Hantu Galah adalah unit besar dengan damage besar. Hantu Hutan paling brutal. Makan orang! Yeaaarrrghhh!

Hantu Tetek adalah unit seksi, pastu boleh cast spell.

Aku menyampah betul la main kempen warlock ni. Dahlah Agrael yang hebat sekarang dah jadi cam lame nak mampus, bila dia tukar jadi Raelag. SPOILER!

Dah elok jadi Demon Lord, nakkkkk jugak jadi Warlock, kan? Macam sial. Kalau aku, aku teruskan jadi Demon Lord je. Cool gila, dengan Instant Gating.

Malas la nak main kempen warlock ni. Tapi... aku tau, nanti dalam kepala hotak aku tak sudah menyusun strategi. Siap pakai kalkulator lagi tu.

Yela. Aku main game bebudak je. Game-game lancau yang orang lain main, aku tak ambik pot. Hehehe.

Setakat ni, dalam semua kempen aku - Castle, Inferno, Necromancer dan sekarang Dungeon, aku pernah kalah lawan dua kali sahaja. Tu pun, pakai hero salah. Adake aku serang town pakai mamat yang ada 15 ketul peasant? Memang la mampus.

Patut Ubisoft ambik aku untuk design game diorang la. Aku best.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Mentera Sehitam Hati

Entah kenapa, ramai kenalan aku mengadu dibuat orang. Maksudnya, dikenakan dengan ilmu hitam.

Aku tak percaya langsung benda-benda ni. Pasal aku syaitan. Takde pun aku buat benda-benda dengan tok bomoh.

Kalau aku tok bomoh, dah lama aku jutawan siut. Aku contact National Geographic, pastu masukkan diri aku sendiri dalam museum.

Atau pergi Monaco dan buat persembahan magik. Buat apa nak ambik duit pengeras dua-tiga puluh ringgit. Baik aku buat persembahan dekat Las Vegas.


Bomoh-bomoh ni semua bodoh. Tak reti marketing. Pantat mak kau lah. Kalau dah bodoh tu, bodoh jugak lah. Pasal tu jadi bomoh, main rogol-rogol orang bodoh. Kalau ko terer, Paris Hilton yang sundal tu pun ko boleh ganyang.

Kalau aku tok bomoh, aku tangkap hantu, aku buat sarkas. Fun fair ke. Rumah berhantu yang ada hantu betul.

Setakat nak orang fikir ko cool, pergilah mampus. Toksahlah nak mengenakan orang. Ko buat sarkas lagi bagus la. KALAU ko bukan penipu. Muahahahaha!

Mentera: Menyumpah Orang di Bulan Puasa

Dah seminggu tak menyumpah seranah orang tak tentu pasal. Rindu...

Celakalah engkau kesemuanya! Laknatlah engkau!

Dengan fikiran waras dan tenang, aku seru semua jenis sains, malaikat, syaitan, jin, puaka, jembalang, keramat, keretapi, basikal, busut, biskut, pokok, batu, dewa, naga, rimau, kucing, ikan emas, unicorn berapi, kura-kura, Blackberry, komputer, kasut, jalanraya, perigi dan apa-apa yang aku waris atau tak waris.

Aku seru Nimble Momonga! Aku seru kelempong goreng! AKu seru Large Hadron Collider!

AKu seru Galileo Galilei, Copernicus, Sir Isaac Newton, Datuk Siamang Gagap, Datuk Kelana Kulop Tunggal, Nikola Tesla! Tesla! Tesla!

Dengan ucapan sihir Chain Lightning! Dengan lafaz sihir Implosion!

Celakalah engkau! Matilah kau! Semoga kau hidup macam makan taik. Menderitalah kau dalam menghadapi kebenaran.


Ni kalau buat scene filem ilmu hitam ni, best gak.

Neutral Macam Babi, Poyo Macam Pukimak

Babi: Akulah orang paling neutral dalam dunia ni!

Pukimak: Takde! Aku LEBIH neutral dari mana-mana benda hidup ataupun benda mati!

Aku: Aku tak neutral pun.

Babi: ...

Pukimak: ...

Babi: Tak coolnya.

Pukimak: Ha'ah la. Tak cool.

Aku: Pedulittaik aku, cool ke tidak?

Babi: Tapi, ko kan Buddha the Barbarian?

Aku: So? Apa kena-mengena dengan menjadi neutral? Buddha takde cakap pasal jadi neutral. Buddha cakap suruh terima semua benda dengan penuh tawakkal.

Pukimak: Bro! Neutral lah cool! Nanti semua orang nakkan pandangan ko, pasal ko adil! Neutral tu adil! Neutral tu cool!

Aku: Pergilah mampus cool ke, adil ke, dipuja atau dikeji. AKu tetap macam ni jugak. Aku tetap aku. Benda aku nak buat, semua jalan terus je. Biarlah yang mati, mati. Biarlah yang hidup, hidup. Ko nak sangat dilihat cool, maka pergilah mampus. Gila poyo mak bapak ko. MATILAH KESEMUANYA. CELAKALAH ENGKAU!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Zeroes of Might and Magic V: Warlock

I'm at the Dungeon campaign of Heroes 5, and it's boring. I've always hated Dungeon and Rampart creatures. And Stronghold. I mean, what the fuck?

While Heroes 5 upgraded Inferno factions with the gating ability, Dungeon and Rampart sucks ass. I only used my Hydras once in about 20 battles. Fuck, man. That's a bad utilisation of resources.

And Hydras are unwieldly. It attacks everything around it. Means friendly troops can also get damaged.

I wish I could skip this whole campaign. It sucks. I'd rather play Necropolis again. Or even Castle.

Oh well.

Total Eclipse of the What the Fuck?


Wake the Dead

I believe that everything that happens to us - whether we deem it good or bad - is necessary in order for us to awaken.

Our only role in this world is to awaken. I thought I was already awake, but recent events showed me an even clearer picture of things. I appreciate that.

Once you have grasped that, you can then accept it, and be at peace. If you choose to.

Me? I'm just me, baby. I'm still a kid from a swamp. I follow ideals and philosophies detailed in comic books, which are my Holy Scriptures.

I refuse to conform to stupidity and stupid things people do. I don't look good. I am never cool. It is not my goal in life to gain respect or attention from everyone. Or anyone.

I have been accused of so many things, but they all don't know me. They see one thing and thinks that that defines me. Hahaha. Three blind men and an elephant.

Nobody knows what my motivations are but me. No one understands my game, what the stakes are. I run a lonely race with myself. My greatest challenger is myself. I can't explain it to anyone. No one will ever understand. They have all proven to be incapable of understanding anything.

Oh well. Not my problem.

See you on the other side.

Kami Adalah Juara

Aku dah bayar apa yang patut. Masa demi masa. Aku dah jalani hukuman, walaupun tak buat apa-apa jenayah.

Silap besar? Aku dah buat beberapa. Aku dah kena sepak pasir kat muka, tapi aku dah atasinyaaaa!

Kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa, kawanku.

Dan kami akan terus berlawan, sampai habis.

Kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa, kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa.

Takde masa untuk pukimak-pukimak semua, pasal kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa duniaaaaaa!

Aku dah tunduk hormat, dan panggilan pentas. Kau bagi aku kemasyhuran, harta-benda dan benda-benda berkaitan. Aku berterima kasih pada semua.

Tapi bukan semak bunga ros, bukan pelayaran suka-suka. Aku ambik sebagai cabaran di depan umat manusia, dan aku takkan kalahhhhhh!

Kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa, kawankuu.

Dan kami akan terus berlawan, sampai habis.

Kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa, kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa.

Takde masa untuk pukimak-pukimak semua, pasal kamiiii adalah juaraaaaaa...


Fleemasonry: Exodus 101

Some people questioned my mentioning migration to other countries. Interesting. I did it before, no one made a sound.

My stand with migration is simple. No matter where I go, that place would be cool. Hip and happening. So it doesn't matter to me.

I am just reminiscing all my friends who left or are leaving. Most of us know people who are very dear to us, and they have left. Made a life, a career, a name for themselves in other places.

These are people I worked with, grew up with, got drunk (with life) with, cried and laughed and shared many moments together.

They're gone, and most probably won't come back.

They're not dead. But they're gone.

I do sometimes feel like the last man standing. My peers are scattered across the globe. These are people who mostly share the same sentiments and ideals I do. That's why we get along well together.

I don't have to explain myself. Justify why I did this or that. They have full confidence that I have always stayed true to my beliefs. Which are Truth, Freedom and Independence. My versions, of course.

They know I won't rape babies, hate people for no reason or be a snivelling little weasel. I have my rules, and I follow them closely. I have no regrets at all. And recently, I learned how to shake off guilt. So no one can control me.

I don't have to tell this to them. Didn't have to.

I do miss them, really. Stupid motherfuckers who took Purple Skunk - a weed variant - and passed out on the stairs of an Amsterdam hostel. Insanely talented and socially awkward artists. A Greek yaya in training. A poster-boy for Chinese supremacy, now selling shrimp off a truck in Melbourne.

They tell me stories. They send word. And they send their love.

Doing the Impossible

One wiseguy once wrote, "If you want to do the impossible, then do nothing, because nothing is impossible."

Well, I just spent the whole night doing nothing. I was playing a game. A computer game. I got shit to do, but last night, it was just me, two bottles of mineral water, two packs of cigarettes, some snacks and necromancing Lorekeep.

I have a calculator with me at all times, as I try and figure out whether an attack is worth it. For example, my Skeleton Archers have an attack of 9 each. I had 3,000. That's 27,000, if the target is within range.

Say I'm fighting 25 Titans, each with a high defense number, plus modifiers and whatnot. Can I kill the stack before it deals any damage to my undead army?

Chain Lightning doesn't pack a punch against Titans and Air Elementals. So I use Fireball or Meteor Shower. Again, modifiers, area affected, etc come into play.

I think I killed over 10,000 creatures last night. Now that was good.

The biggest stack was 680 Obsidian Gargoyles. Which is surprisingly and deceptively easy. The secret is timing and positioning. SOme spells that are not so sexy such as Slow really worked in my favour.

I use ranged attackers, and then units that either can't be counterattacked, or has a probability for the attack to miss (spectral attribute), and then units that has high HP, so if there is a counter, there would be no damage. Last are the idiots - the ones who are not so great but will take a lot of damage and die.

After a while, everything became instinctive and I turned the calculator off.

Playing these games help take my mind off certain things. I might have some announcements soon, or maybe not. I don't know. I do know that Skeleton Archers kick ass. Hahaha.


Oh, my.

I just chatted with some friends in Canada. They are expecting around five more from our circle to join them by Christmas.

Four will go to the UK this year, if everything is okay. Around 10 are headed to Australia next year.

Well, Malaysia is safe. As long as I'm here. I'm not leaving anytime soon. Maybe retirement would be better overseas. Maybe not.

If I have enough money, I want to go back to Kuantan and live by the beach till I die. I'll learn how to play the piano or something. And write the Great Malaysian Novel.

I'm quite tired of the bullshit here. I prefer to live an uneventful, idyllic life near a rustic, even bucolic, place like Cherating. That way, I can take care of my mother, when the time comes.

I don't need much. Just RM2 million. Hahahaha.

The Malay Male's Family Values: Meet the Devourers of Worlds

Raya always reminds me of family. Fuck the artery-clogging food. Fuck the TV specials. Fuck showing off to your neighbours.

It has always been about family.

Every family is special. Mine is also weird.

Take, for example, the women. I come from a family of extremely strong women. Their most important thing is independence. The women in my family are all free spirits, and the hardest thing for them to do is to depend on anyone, especially men.

I have never heard of the phrase, "You do it, because you're a man." growing up. My sisters could climb higher on trees than I ever could - I was a bit prissy, growing up, and extremely lazy.

The women in my family take pride in the fact that they can do anything better than anyone - man, woman, plant, animal or mineral. A bunch of overachievers, the lot of them.

The men are also free spirits in the fact that we are all aloof. Our biggest concern is in not giving a damn. The more we don't care about anything, the happier we are.

We men like to devise systems. We plan and scheme. My father likes watching things grow. My brother likes to keep things the way they are. The Great Preserver. Mr Status Quo. I... well, I am the Lord of Destruction. When I was a kid, no toy would survive three months with me as I have a tendency to break them or take them apart to see what makes them tick.

Usually, it's a wind-up spring system. Hahaha.

My mother, meanwhile, seems like a quiet housewife. But I learned how to swear from her. Favourite phrase? "BIJIK KELENTIT!" or, "KO BUAT APA TU? TAKDE KERJA? MENCALAT!"

She's the great emotional manipulator. Bar none. I got first place in every year of primary school cause she manipulated me into doing so. Even now, she puts things in place almost imperceptibly, but you know what's coming.

The family values hard work. If you're not doing at least three things at the same time, you are lazy.

Well, I am naturally lazy, so I devise ways to spend the least amount of time, focus and energy to accomplish anything. This did not go very well with them.

"There are no shortcuts!"

I have rebelled against this by peppering my entire life with shortcuts. Some worked, others didn't.

But I'm not the rebel of the family. Oh, no. Not me. That would be my brother, who has constantly managed to surprise everyone with his choices.

At one point regarded as a failure, he managed to carve a life for himself in teaching. His love for photography and computers shows that he is quite street-smart. In fact, he's a smart-aleck. I have never seen anyone get along well with everyone like him, except for the family, which can be quite evil at times.

There is a darkness within my family, as there are in others. We traditionally take revenge. Hold on to vengeance for decades. We imbibe in hatred. Searing, all-consuming. Wrath that could bend steel, anger that could cower Satan himself. We do not explode, but corrode.

It is a characteristic I have learned to live with. Old family feuds are taken beyond the grave. The curses we hurl could make anyone curl up in a fetal position with their hands on their ears.

We have also helped some people. My father is a superhero. He never turned down any plea for help, though people tend to take their own actions and he is left frustrated at their stupidity. Lots of people take advantage of his kindness, but still a lot more returned his good deeds in the most touching of ways.

His reputation is good enough that when I was out of a job a few years back, one KL person who knew my family said, "Cikgu Mat's children will never go hungry. Don't worry." Well, I was hungry a few times, but that was just to illustrate how some perceive his life's work - helping people.

My father never had a home of his own, growing up. He constantly had to stay at other people's places, and his loyalty to them lives on to this day.

For some reason, he also inspires loyalty in others. There is a student of his who would cycle every year to the house for Raya. Now, he's a doctor who drives a minivan with his six kids, and he has missed perhaps two Rayas at our home in the past 30 years.

We have a big bash at our kampung house every year. Over 400 people would be there. It's a full-time job, really. I am usually the waiter and cash dispenser. My sisters would be coordinating the food and drinks. My brother would come at noon.

The big bash used to be done simply because of our rather large Chinese side of the family. There used to be over 50 of them alone, and we prepared over 40 sticks of lemang in the old days. Now, we just buy some ketupat pulut and be done with it. The Chinese are the only ones who actually eat during Raya anyway.

If I am unhappy with my family, I would only ask for forgiveness at night, making my mother adopt this extremely sad face. Oh, we have our fights. Even during Raya. Usually about the lemang.

It was a complicated process, and everyone has an idea of his or her own on how to do it properly. The recipe remains the same, but the methods and the timing - my Science!

We boil our lemang first before roasting it on an open fire. That means using a metal scissors to cut two huge Minyak Cap Buruh cans. My father had to go to the jungle and bring back 60 bamboo casings, nearly a third of which gets thrown out.

I would clean the bamboo casings and my sisters would stuff them. I use a metal press to extract large amounts of coconut milk. My mother used to do this, cursing all the way. It takes one coconut for each bamboo casing. That's a lot of coconut milk, plus the amount we use for the other dishes.

We hardly do this anymore.

Anyway, I don't like Raya. It means more fights with the family. Pain medication, and people I don't really want to meet. Thank Science it's just once a year.

This year, I aim to go back, without having a single fight. I'll see how that goes.

Managing Darkness

All of us would go through some dark and terrible ordeals. And it is only we who deem it as dark and terrible ordeals. To other observers, it is something else.

What I have discovered, when encountering evil, or just plain old egotistical pettiness, is to first understand what the hell is going on.

No justifications, no excuses, no rationalisations. Just find out and understand exactly what is happening. Keep judgments and opinions out of everything, and just appreciate the facts.

After having all the facts, instead of resisting our own judgments and opinions, allow yourself to judge, have its opinion, feel the emotion and thoughts and whatever else that comes with it.

Feel everything. Think everything. Allow yourself to be in the experience. Do not resist it.

And then, finally, accept the facts, and accept all the judgments, thoughts and emotions that come with it.

There are things that can be done, and then there are things that can't. Consider that and accept it as well.

Resistance is suffering. Acceptance is freedom.

In the end, there is no good or evil. There is just is.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Malay Male's Family Values: The Incredibles

I have always found my family lacking. My parents were never rich, and had a tumultuous relationship with money. They believe in hard work over anything else.

Except for myself, we were forced to work since we're eight years old. I had a four year grace period, where all I did was rake leaves and water a quarter of an acre of maize. One cup at a time, in the sweltering heat. Backbreaking work. And for what? Two ringgits and 50 cents per plant. All that hard work for a profit of RM200 after two months. What fucking nonsense is this bullshit?

I believe that my parents were ill-prepared for kids, or even married life. If they wanted kids anyway, they shouldn't have had me. Cause they couldn't afford me.

I didn't have pocket money. All I had to play with were snakes and turtles and other things kids find in a swamp. And TV.

Yet, the only reason I stay with my family, despite all their idiosyncracies and stupidity, is the fact that no matter what, we are each and every one of us, willing to die for one another.

We will never betray the other in order to look good. We will never backstab each other for higher gain.

Funny thing. My family is actually quite well-connected, but every time I broach the subject, I get shot down.

Me: Can I see Najib?

They: What for?

Me: I want to ask for money.

They: Fuck you. We will NEVER, EVER, be bought by money.

That stupid pride stayed with me, somewhat.

The world can go to hell, and we wouldn't care. We wouldn't give a flying fuck.

My father started the village where I'm living in right now. He started it. He did. And for 12 years or so, he was the headman.

Got some people out of trouble. Mediated some bullshit crises here and there. Loaned his own money and never got it back.

He basically dragged the village kicking and screaming into the 21st Century.

What did he get for all his troubles? Those whom he helped backstabbed him. They all betrayed him.

And he kept on going.

Me: What the fuck are you doing this for? They'll never appreciate you. They backstab you, bitch!

Father: Yes, but as smart people, we have a responsibility to help the idiots.

Me: Fuck responsibility!

My father's genetically Chinese, but he is more Muslim than anyone I know.

Father: In Islam, it is said that if you can lead, if you can fight, but you do not, then that is indeed very stingy of you. And God HATES stingy people.

Over the years, the conversation got reversed.

Me: I wanna save the world!

Father: For what? They will kill you for it. They will never understand. These idiots are better left for dead.

Me: I wanna fight!

Father: Why? I'm sure you can fight those in front of you. But when they knife you in the back, man... that sure stings.

Me: But... you were a superhero!

Father: I did only what I could.

Over time, I am beginning to understand. You do the work, but you don't. It's not your responsibility to bear. Not your burden. They will all suffer anyway. Because they're all idiots. Spiteful, hateful idiots. Backbiting, backstabbing stupids. Fucking morons with no capacity to understand The Truth. They can't even face themselves, let alone the world.

I'll stay with my family for as long as they don't try to sacrifice me in order to look good. For as long as I should. I'll do what I can. After that, I'm gone. One day, everyone will be gone.

I still appreciate the fact that they have at the very least, have never tried to use me for their own gains. My father told me, "I don't want to live with you when I'm old. I don't want to depend on anyone, biatch!"

And that's why I help him still. The day he starts demanding shit, I'm gone. I almost left them last Raya. Fucking bullshit they tried to pull on me. But I didn't, and I told them never, EVER, to do that again. And this year, I won't let them.

We all have a choice. We don't have to stay with our families even. We can always choose. I stay with mine, because they have always been in my corner. They may not be the sharpest tool in the shed (though they're smarter than most), but I know that I can rely on them.

Other people? They're all fuckers until proven otherwise.

I think about my family a lot these days. I don't know why. Maybe it's time I go home. Pack up and leave. Fuck everything, man.

Zeroes of Might and Magic V: Necromancer

I've been playing Heroes of Might and Magic V, and I just love how this game has been polished.

I am now doing the necromancer campaign, and I have always loved this race/faction.

Necropolis units are unaffected by morale, so the only thing is to ensure luck is up all the time.

The Liches and Archliches are my favourite units, aside from Skeleton Archer. The thing with Skeleton Archers is that you can amass thousands of these things. 3,000 Skeleton Archers vs 25 Titans. I'd go for the Skeletons.

If you have one of those artifacts that ignores range penalty, that's it. There's no army that can withstand my ranged undead units.

Except for Inferno troops with their gating abilities. And some forms of magic combo.

The easily-managed undead troops are also quite a boost. Undead is basically still my favourite thing in Heroes.

Zeroes of Might and Magic V: Demon Lord

Demon Lord Amir Hafizi surveys the armies massed before him.

While they have hordes of Inquisitors and Archangels, he only has a pack of Succubus Mistresses, as well as the low-level Cerberi and Imps at his disposal.

Ah, but the Mass Confusion, Master of Puppets, Chain Lightning spells made the oods bearable.

And then, Instant Gating and Phantom Forces. Teleport Assault.

Goes to show, that well-planned tactics and a deep knowledge of abilities and limitations always win the day.

Avatar: Special Edition

I watched the Special Edition of Avatar today. Different from when it first came out, only four people, including myself and a friend, were in the cinema at Gardens today.

I'll do a review and get it published in The Malay Mail later. Oh well. I don't think it will make as much money this time, and I don't think they need the money, at such a bloated collection the first time around.

And I don't know why they are doing it, since the next Avatar film is slated in the next two-three years - hopefully with some marine life thrown in.

I will still keep on watching that show. Right now, the count stands at six times. Five times in 3D. Once in normal shit.

Man, I love that show.

Rota Fortuna

There are things in this world that are worse than murder. Worse than rape.

When I first saw it, my mind simply refused to comprehend it. I was confused. I could not understand it.

The Drama Queen in me sank to my knees and yelled to the heavens, "Why?".

Even in my most evil state, there are lines I do not cross. Child pornography, for one. There are others. Worse than that. There are always rules. As old as the universe itself.

For some, these things don't matter. And the world continues spinning.

Oh well.

Round and round it goes. Where it stops? Nobody knows. And may each and every one of us pay the devil his due.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

How to Paint One's Self as a Saint

Always, always describe yourself as the victim. Always, always blame others. Always, always present yourself as the reasonable one, while everyone else is unreasonable.

Well, I'm no saint, motherfucker. I will go to hell for my sins. Will you?

The Righteous Brothers

I am so right, it's not funny anymore.

Those who did not listen to me, made a mockery of my words, or simply mocked me, are all now heading for hell.

Well, it's not my problem anymore.


National Pornographic Sexplorer: Prebet Pantat's Solo Report

I just met Prebet Pantat just now, and as Colonel Clitoris - Grandmaster of the Fleemasons and an 86th level Knight of Bukkake, it is my duty to the Empire to share with you his findings.

Colonel Clitoris: So, Prebet Pantat, how was Bangkok?

Prebet Pantat: How come I'm a Prebet? And my title is in BM, whereas yours is in English?

Colonel Clitoris: Oh, fine then. Jeneral Jubur is Sunder, and Chee is Sarjan Sontot. I can't give you Brigadier General Burit or Admiral Anus (that's me at level 100). I don't think you'd like Leftenan Liwat. Would you like to be Private Penis?

Prebet Pantat: Okay, Prebet Pantat is fine, then.

Colonel Clitoris: As a sign of respect, I shall call myself Kolonel Kelentit. It's the same thing anyway.

PP: Fine, fine.

Kolonel Kelentit: So how was Bangkok, during the big political hoo-haa?

PP: It was bad, man. The hookers I were withy said they were crying!

KK: My word! The very thought of hookers crying touches me in places quite inappropriate.

PP: Even the Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud had tears in their eyes!

KK: Even the - Prebet Pantat! Sound the alarms! Alarum Umum!

PP: All the shops were closed. They found it hard to even buyt food, and condoms!

KK: A travesty! We must rebuild the economy of Thailand! Make sure all its daughters are fed! It is our civic duty as Knights of Buikkake, to ensure Thailand is safe for all!

PP: It is safe for all, Kolonel! I'm happy to report that Ratchadaphisek Road - your favourite haunt - has over 40 high-quality, pretty girls on any given working day. 200, on a weekend.

KK: That sounds about right. And their quality?

PP: I have had a chance to sample one, and she was tight!

KK: Onward march! Yes! And was what I said correct? That if Zhang Ziyi were there, you would slap and stomp and spit on her and just go for one of them?

PP: Yes! I was even acquainted with a virgin, for triple price!

KK: Only triple? That is CHEAP!

PP: Yes, but I didn't take the offer. I went and saw my woman, and I dare say that I might break the first rule of Fuck Club. And the first rule of Fuck Club is, never fall in love while whoring.

KK: My God, man! Remember, remember, five years ago, when you fell in love with ___? That was messy, indeed.

PP: She's still the best fuck I ever had.

KK: Really, now!

PP: But sex, after spending time in Bangkok, sex is just same-old, same-old. It's getting boring.

KK: Correct! I believe that for people like us, who are susceptible to lots of sex, Thailand can be used as a training ground so that no woman can ever hold sex as a hostage. WIthout that on the table, we will be free.

PP: Anyway, Ratchadaphisek Road is great! Sukhumvit Soi __/__ is always great! She came and asked me, "say I am delicious!"

KK: I have a feeling that we will one day just grab one of the Thais and be a naturalised citizen.

PP: Yes, but I have to shave everyday, cause they seem to have very sensitive skin.

KK: Tell me, old boy, do their pussies not smell? Or was it just a delusion I had?

PP: Nope, sir. I am happy to report that their pussies indeed do not smell. And they are delicious.

KK: Thank Heavens for that! Now, NOW I feel lucky to have been born. If I die, Prebet, cremate me and scatter my ashes all over a Thai Go-Go Girl.

PP: Oh, talking about that, I peed on two girls. Finally had my Golden Shower threesome! So now, I have threesomes with three different variants - normal, ___ and Golden Shower. Also, I have experienced the Chinese lost sex art of the Spinning Red Dragon Technique. I should be Brigadier General Burit!

KK: ...

Brigadier General Burit: You only have the Seven Positions of Buddha! And Lepasan Arhat!

KK: Fine! I'll be Admiral Anus! Now, I'm off to play Heroes of Might and Magic V. Cheerio!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Degeneration M

As I contemplate a rebellion of my own, an older revolution is rearing its ugly head.

With nothing better to do, Malaysians are going back to hardcore racism. Forums, blogs and some places are now rife with talks about race this or race that.

It is deja vu all over again, as this was how it was under Pak Lah. Now, people are finding out the extent of the damage done by the previous administration, and with the impending election in 2012, some have started early in stoking the fires of racism.

If this plays out the way it once did, we could be looking at murder on the streets.

Oh well. I need a big screen TV anyway.

Silence of the Lames

I hardly say 'I told you so' nowadays. Not because what I told you is no longer so. Nope. It's simply because being right no longer packs a punch it used to these days.

It's no longer my main thing.

When things unfold exactly as I said it, or close enough, I see on their faces a kind of hunted look. They want to glaze over it, so as not to feel their imaginary pain.

And all I wanted to do, those days, was serve The Truth, and save all of mankind.

Well, those days are over.

I know exactly what I need to do, and when. It used to be that whatever I foresee, I decided not to act on it, because in my heroic delusion, I thought it was unfair to others.

These days, anything goes, man. I already said more than I should. I have revealed the secrets of the heavens, and my punishment is that no one would listen to me. Not really.

So, I think I'll just be one of those lame people, who shuts up. I'll take a vow of silence, and keep my visions to myself.

And when the stench of their corruption and fornication reaches the high heavens, they will look up to me and say, "Save us!" And I will look down and whisper, "No."


And verily, I told unto them what would happen, and they did not believe me. And later when it did happen, as I said it, they dismissed me as a false prophet. Afraid that someone knew more than they.

And some wait for others to be unhappy. They wait in the dark, with pettiness in their hearts.

And I say unto all of you, "So what? I'm still a rock star. You guys are losers, so please suck my dick... tonight! It's all right!"

And I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy mah brothers. And you will know my name as the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Bitch: N-noooooo!!!


Monday, August 23, 2010

Waktu Rehat: Omeitoufan

Semasa aku menulis konsep dinamik watak dalam siri fiksyen sains (orang mintak aku buat), menguruskan penghantaran reviu game komputer untuk suratkhabar tempat aku kerja, mengeblog, menggunakan Facebook, bermain Airline Manager dan juga Heroes of Might and Magic 5, serta Freecell, satu macam ketenangan menusuk kepala dan jiwa aku.

Sebelum ni, jiwa aku kacau pasal aku tengah menunggu beberapa perkara untuk berlaku. Aku dah tak kisah. Jadi, maka jadilah. Tak jadi, maka tak jadilah.

Semua benda yang aku belajar selama ni tiba-tiba masuk akal. Aku menelaah Buddhism dan Hinduism, juga penggunaan elemen-elemen agama dalam komik. Tiba-tiba macam, "Klik!"

Aku tertekan beberapa bulan ni pasal banyak benda. Satu, takde Internet selama dua bulan. Pakai Blackberry je. Banyak la salah taip la, grammar lancau la, blablabla la.

Lagi satu, aku tengah mengatur perancangan. Masalahnya, bukan semua maklumat dan keputusan di tangan aku. Kalau aku yang kawal semua, memang aku automatik tak risau. Berurusan dengan manusia ni memang... mencabar.

Seperti Batman, aku sentiasa ada rancangan. Biasanya, semua rancangan aku kantoi, tapi nanti jadi lagi bagus. Pasal apa? Pasal aku best.

Pada satu-satu masa, kepala aku perlukan beberapa benda. Aku nilaikan situasi pun, dengan mengambilkira beberapa puluh kebarangkalian, dan situasi seterusnya, sekiranya benda ni jadi atau benda tu jadi. Dengan memberikan kepala hotak aku cukup kerja, bunyi bising yang mengganggu akal aku dah macam takde.

Betullah kata sami Hindu tu. The mind is maya. Kepala otak kau tu, tak boleh percaya. Sumber kekusutan.

Sekarang, aku duduk depan komputer, pukul 5.27am. Kerja malam ni dah siap. Konsep dinamik watak dah kau tim. Heroes dah habis satu chapter. Freecell aku dah menang 20 kali berturut-turut. Reviu dah masuk. Facebook dah update, Airline Manager aku dah sampai tahap dewa. Semua kapalterbang sudah dilancarkan.

Aku rasa macam Siddharta Gautama bawah pokok, bercakap dengan rusa.

Hensem siut aku ni. Gila best lah. Kacak. Berbakat. Konek kuat. Jubur harum.

Aku nak tidur la pulak. Esok sambung tengok Chow Sing Chi.


Some people ask me about my faith. What I believe in. Well, it's pretty simple.

I believe that there is no right or wrong belief system. I believe no matter how stupid or idiotic your belief system is, if you have faith in it, then that is the right belief system for you.

Therefore, my belief system is right. All other belief systems, are WRONG!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Cummings and Goings

I went to work today, with my head full of all the wonderful people who have left or are leaving the country.

A few more of my dear, dear friends are leaving either this year or the next. Wait. Not a few, but several more.

It has gotten so bad that I feel like I need to hang out with losers and idiots who will never have the capacity to migrate.

I saw lots and lots of Malays at Sogo and Pertama Kompleks the other day. I was thinking, what are they doing? They lounge about, sit around, and just watch cars and breathe in the exhaust fumes.

Then it hit me. These people have no money. If they want to sit in a cafe, they need to pay at least five bucks for a latte. A trip to McDonald's will set them back at least RM10.80. And what if they're not hungry?

Karaoke is RM50 per head. A massage is RM60 for one hour, plus RM50 for 'extras'.

They have no money. So they sit outside in the sweltering heat, on the hot stones of the shopping malls. Going inside means they will have to subject themselves to seeing things they could not buy.

Life in the city is tough. In my village, you can make RM400 a month, and still feed six kids. But they cheat, cause they take edible plants from the bushes and jungles. I wonder if KL has enough mushrooms growing on the sanitised stone steps to feed even a single family? And stone mushrooms? Bleargh.

These are the people who serve you, as sales assistants, cashiers, waiters, waitresses, drivers, gardeners, small-time clerks, blah blah blah. They feed you, wash your clothes, and drive your buses. They take care of your kids. They are very close to you, and yet they see you as very far away.

One day, they will rise.

The poor will take what was taken from them. They will kill the rich people. Scratch their cars. Eat their young. And shit on their fucking lattes and caramel macchiatos.

And I'm still staying here. As my friends leave the country, again, I aim to stay for as long as I can. One day, this will be a big story indeed. Hehehe. People dying on the streets! Woo!

I don't know how long I can stay, amidst all the stupidity. I just need some things to happen, some things to be confirmed, and I'm out. I don't care who is in power. I don't care who the players are or will be.

I. Don't. Give. A. Flying. Fuck.

I got nothing to prove, here. Nothing else I want to do. I tried them all. Liked some of it. Hated others.

Malaysia is just okay. Some things are great, fantastic, some things are really bad. Others, are just average.

I can't save them all. I can barely save myself. I know my limitations very well, cause I pushed and pushed as hard as I can and slammed my face on the wall many, many times.

I had hopes to be part of a revolution. A solution to everything. It's no joke. I really thought it would work. Well, as a tool, it would have. What people do with it, is up to the people.

Best case scenario? Perhaps a more comfortable living for all in 50 years. I gambled everything on that. Sacrificed many, many things. As others did as well. But... it was all for naught.

I got nothing to show for it. Oh well.

Sometimes, you have to know when to fold. This is one dream I had to let go. I am letting go still. It's not easy, cause I am stubborn. But it's gone, man.

Time to dream other dreams.

When the time comes, I will leave. No matter what, we will all leave. The time now is to be spent here.


Diorang fikir, aku pentingkan benda yang diorang pentingkan. Diorang fikir, aku nak apa yang diorang nak.

Muahahahaha. Jauh panggang dari api, jauh konek dari puki.

Aku cakap banyak pun tak guna. Kau tengok je lah apa jadi lepas ni.

Cubaan Terakhir

Wahai umat manusia, hentikanlah hasad dengki dan perbuatan yang memusnahkan muka, badan dan pantat bumi.

Toksahlah menipu orang atau diri sendiri. Beramal baiklah sesama kamu.

Dan pergilah Siam. Sesungguhnya, Siam itu best.

Okay, aku dah cuba.

Fleemasonry: Hellblazer

I am finishing up the series concept, but before that, let me fascimilate the conversation I had today with an old friend.

Me: They never listen, do they?

Friend: Nope.

Me: They live in their own fantasy worlds. Where they are always right, and kings of their realities. That they are people of principle. And they call me delusional. I mean, I take comic books as Holy Scripture, but even that pales in comparison to their self-deceit.

Friend: Yep.

Me: I know it's not easy. Even with my awareness, I find it hard to listen to people, especially when they're full of shit. The amount of garbage out there, being spewed forth, the duplicity and the deceit, it's astounding. Even I partake in the exercise.

Friend: Look, I can talk to you, because we are direct people.

Me: Exactly. We are pretty simple, aren't we? I have told them the truth many, many times. And yet, they still believe that I am like them. That I can do only what they can do. That I can only think the way they can think - petty and cowardly. Spiteful and masochistic. It's extremely judgmental, and coming from me - the most judgmental person on earth - well, that's something, isn't it?

Friend: What exactly did they do?

Me: Nothing much, really. I think me being me, makes them insecure. I mean, I am really, really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Friend: And we are smart people. But those morons, well...

Me: I have accepted the fact that I can't change people.

Friend: Well, you accept that, but I have accepted that I need to leave the country. We will never be appreciated here, Amir. We will always be second-class citizens due to us not being able to kiss ass. Or get along with everyone.

Me: I... understand. It's not even me claiming to be the smartest guy on earth, though I am the sexiest, and it's all common sense anyway. But...

Friend: I tell you, this country is poison.

Me: Well... I had several chances to leave. I didn't, because I sense there is something I have to do here. Some unfinished business.

Friend: You do that. I have given up on these morons.

Me: I have no hope for them. Not anymore. I feel like Prometheus. I bring fire, only to see these Homo Habilli burning themselves with it.

Friend: I get your point. Face it. There's no place for you or for me in this cesspool. They'll never listen to you. Even if they do, it would be to find cracks so they could screw you over.

Me: But there are some. A few. Who are like you and me. Don't you think we owe it to our fraternity, to bring them or their projects to term? As was done to us, will be done unto them?

Friend: You're talking like a superhero again.

Me: Shit! Well... there's really nothing I can do, is there?

Friend: Nope.

Me: Accepting that I can't fix people was hard. Having patience, especially with stupidity, was even harder. Now, this? I understand that there's nothing I can do to resist the situation. In fact, resistance is the root of all unhappiness. And I do accept it. And ...

Friend: And...?

Me: And that's that, isn't it? There's really nothing else. Once I have accepted the fact, there's nothing else to do but relax and let the chips fall where they may. The way things are arranged, it is a mighty steep fall, indeed. For all mankind.

Friend: You won't feel guilty again?

Me: For what? Guilt is for Christians. Is there a sign on my forehead that says, "Here is the Great Mind of Amir Hafizi - responsible for everyone and everything"?

Friend: Could have fooled me.


After assimilating with the most evil creature in existence - ME - I find solace in the fact that there exists balance in the force.

I spent the whole day, with my new evilness, bitching with an old friend. Then I bitched some more with a family member.

And then I bitched with some strangers. And then with someone I know recently.

After that, I went home and spent two hours bitching to a friend over the phone.

If I can surmise my day, it would be that it was bitchin'.

With my evil in place, I don't feel any guilt at all. In fact, I am now using both negative and positive energies to do shit.

I'm doing a concept for a science fiction show. Drawing from both my Atman - the in-dwelling God - and the devil in me, I can stay awake until it is finished.

Meanwhile, some things are moving within the shadows. I am comfortable with that. I am relaxed.

I sense a huge assload of karma coming this way. Good stuff. And all I have to do, is be ready for it when it comes.

I went crazy yesterday because my whole life turned into a series of waiting for shit to happen. It was the second waiting cycle, to see if I've learned anything from the previous one.

You know, the waiting period physically decreases, when you are patient. It really does. I don't know why. It just works.

And I am thankful for all the help that came in. I am really touched, when some people offer their help, without expecting anything in return. Or using it to fuel their own craziness. I know who you guys are, and I will never, ever forget it.

Looking back, there were a few who were ready to extend their hands, when I most needed it. Some were waiting in the sidelines, ready to jump in.

I appreciate it.

My only responsibility is making sure that I don't fuck up. I am not a fuck up. I have never run away from The Truth. Distorted lies and schemes from idiots, yes, but never The Truth.

I understand and see things only I can. It is nice to see that idiots will never find true happiness. And that some people, ARE true Malaysian heroes.

I'm sorry, but I'm no hero. I'm a Demon Lord, maybe. Or a Supervillain. An Evil Genius. Whatever. Muahahahahhaha. The Most Arrogant Man in Sports Entertainment.

One thing is for sure. I am Destruction. Remember that.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Bukok puaso minu biya. Guano lagu tuh? Hok masuk nako, hok tu la.

Carutan Tidak Berbatas: Versi Sahur

Pukimak pantat mak bapak ko.

Bapak ko tutuh jubur anjing. Mak kau isap konek anjing. Mak ko beromen dengan babi. Tu dapat ko tu - sebagai hukuman Tuhan kepada umat manusia.

Masa ko kecik dulu, mak kau tak bagi puting tetek dia kat ko. Dia hulur bijik kelentit dia. Tu la pasal hati kau hitam. Busuk macam biji kelentit tak pernah basuh. Membesar dengan jus bijik kelentit, also known as air kencing.

Kau tuduh orang, ye? Ko kata orang ye? Mengata batang, puki serpih. Mengata orang, dia yang lebih-lebih. Pukimak nenek kau masuk dalam jamban la.

Mak kau pakai sudip nak melancap. Pastu kaut nasi pakai sudip sama. Sebab tu darah ko tu semua kotor. Jijik la aku.

Aku dah cakap, aku hanya nak wujud sebagai orang baik. Ko bawak setan aku keluar, lepas ni tak masuk balik la. Melainkan mak kau selak kain, gentel bijik kelentit depan orang ramai. Dekat YouTube. Pergilah mampus.

Aku sumpah seranah semua keturunan ko. Celakalah kesemuanya. Masuklah kau semua ke dalam neraka jahanam. Aku tunggu kat situ, tengah rogol mak bapak ko pakai anjing.

Rehat: Balas Dendam

Wuahhhh! Dah dapat Internet balik ni, aku balas dendam la. Muahahahahaha!

Dah lama tak pakai komputer aku nak menulis. Pakai komputer opis atau netbook je. Netbook tu macam beromen dengan budak 9 tahun. Pantat kecik.

Cakap pasal pantat, aku musykil - kenapa biji kelentit perempuan Melayu tu kecik? Persoalan ini menghantui aku selama dua minggu.

Sementara itu, kerja aku dah makin rutin. Masuk opis, kerja-kerja-kerja, pergi lunch. Balik, kerja-kerja sikit, dah balik.

Nak memuaskan kepala hotak aku yang senantiasa ligat berfikir, aku duk tulis skrip.

Ada orang tak percaya bila aku cakap yang aku sentiasa buat tiga kerja pada satu masa. Tiga atau lima.

"Mana kau cari masa?"


Mou man tai!

AKu tidur tiga jam je sehari. AKu tak habiskan masa lapang aku terkinja-kinja dengan sekumpulan beruk dekat shopping complex. AKu tak cuci mata pun. Kalau nak cuci, aku hentam kat biji kelentit je.

AKu takleh tidur, beb. Dulu, nak tidur, aku telan ubat batuk. Kalau ambik pil tidur, nanti jadi cam Eminem la pulak.

Lepas aku fikir aku dah makin ketagih ubat batuk, aku berenti. Aku amalkan meditasi. Memang best. Aku boleh jadi high dengan buat benda tu je. Nak lentok pun, boleh.

Aku sekarang dekat crossroads. AKu ada dapat offer suruh direct movie. Aku tengah consider gak la. Tapi bergantung apa dealnya la. Kalau ada orang nak ambik kesempatan daripada kebaikan dan ketelusan hati aku, kat situ jugak aku bunuh.

Aku dapat projek lain jugak. Dan aku dapat offer nak jadi lecturer part-time.

Semua aku tengah consider. Masalahnya, banyak benda ni, diorang tak bagi aku info langsung. Manalah aku nak buat keputusan, kalau maklumat dia cam pukimak?

Lepas tu, ada orang cakap aku sombong, pasal aku maki orang bodoh. Dah bodoh, nak buat camana?

Kalau pandai, akan buat keputusan yang jauh lagi hebat dari apa yang aku boleh fikirkan. Tapi tidak. Bodoh. Hasilnya? Taula ko sakitnya nanti. Pergilah mampus. AKu nak buat apa? Bukan hal aku, beb.

Pastu ada la pulak cuba nak berpura-pura berprinsip. Tonyoh kat muka aku. Ek eleh. Mulia la sangat jubur taik ko tu. Pantat mak kau. Masa kena kat orang lain, prinsip. Kena kat jubur taik sendiri, mana prinsipnya? Talam betul la muka ko tu.

Aku sumpah semuanya hancur. Dah naik hantu dah ni.

Aku tak peduli sapa. Membujur lalu, melintang patah. Sapa cuba nak main-main dengan aku, aku sumpah ko satu keluarga tujuh keturunan celaka.

Celakalah ko! Mak ko beromen dengan anjing!

Gilabyte: Kisah Internet Amir Hafizi

Setelah memastikan yang duit RM11 billion daripada kerajaan untuk TM Unifi - projek jalur lebar berkelajuan tinggi - telah digunakan untuk membayar pelacur murahan dengan kontrak 100 tahun, aku bergegas ke Midvalley Megamall untuk:

1. Berak

2. Cari Digi Broadband.

Aku diberitahu yang Digi menawarkan harga rendah dan hanya memerlukan empat jam untuk diaktifkan.

AKu pun masuk ke dalam kedai Digi di tingkat LG. Aku bayar RM130 - RM50 deposit dan RM80 untuk modem. Aku ambik pakej 10GB.

"Berapa lama nak aktifkan ni?"

"Dua jam," kata sorang mamat, konfiden habis.

Lepas berak, aku pergi beli ayam dan komik Wira Tunggal (Detektif Conan aku dah beli dua minggu lepas), aku pun bergegas ke rumah.

Aku tunggu dua jam. CUba nak connect. Tak boleh.

Aku call mamat tu.

"Aiya. 24 hours la. Within 24 hours."

"Em hai aa maa? Ko cakap dua jam."

"Saya cakap 24 hours la. Within 24 hours. Kawan saya cakap dua jam."

"Pantat pukimak mak bapak ko la."

Aku ada kerja aku nak buat. AKu nak hantar skrip kat adalah cerita Tokusatsu ni. Tak kesampaian.

Lepas tu, meeting aku pukul 9 pun takde. Aku dah mati kutu. Aku memang tak suka menunggu. Benda paling aku tak suka. Aku tak penyabar langsung.

Jadi aku main game. Heroes of Might and Magic 5. Bosan, aku hack pakai GameWiz. AKu tukar jumlah duit dan experience. Ada la enam jam aku main.

Pastu, aku nak tidur. Tiba-tiba, aku dapat rasakan kewujudan Internet. AKu try sekali lagi. Boleh la pulak!

Akhirnya, aku sempurna sekali lagi. Dah dua bulan aku takde Internet dek menunggu TM Unifi yang sekarang aku rasa dah macam pukimak.

IPTV? Nah, sambung kat konek aku. Biar konek aku tengok.

Dua bulan ni, aku cuma access Internet pakai Blackberry je.

Hmmm. Aku jugak kena beli keyboard baru. Keyboard ni dah takde huruf dah. Aku taip pakai memori, pasal aku hebat.

Oklah. Masa untuk surf porn!

Blackberry Fiction: Devil's Own

I walk up to the cage slowly. I dragged my feet. I put him there, many years ago, but I didn't expect the isolated cave to now boom into a town.

"Well, lookit here," he said, wearing my face. "Is it World's End yet? Cause if it is, then my senses must have dulled over the years."

"Long time no see." My throat is parched. I need a drink of water.

"Of course it's been a long time. You put me here, you know."

"I was wrong."

"Wow, that's new. You wanted to be a goody little two-shoes, right? You wanted to do the right thing. And now... Now you're not sure?"

"There is no good or evil."

"Wise words... From someone who locked his evil away and threw away the key. You locked me up, remember? All the pain and malice. All that evil. So you could go off and save everyone. How's that working for ya?"

"I... See now my mistake. You're part of me. The worst part, maybe. The most dangerous one. I... Come with an offer. Of peace. Appeasement."

He paces within his cell.

"You wouldn't mind... Being a demon again? I can take control again. And what about your guilt? Can you live with it?"

"Guilt is for Christians," I said, unlocking the gates that over the years have grown iron horns and... Of all things, claws.

He swings his arms about.

"I see you've rounded up the rest," he said. His eyes burned into mine.

I grinned for the first time.

"Yep. You're the last piece. Let us be whole again. We ride tonight."


"Anywhere we want to be."

I brought my mount - he needed none - and soon after, he was flying alongside me, shrieking to the wind.

"You know I'll want revenge," he said, over the din.

I nodded.

"You were the Vengeance of the Lord. I expect that. In fact, I'm counting on it."

And so we ride to the next town, trailing fire and brimstone, and the occasional dead body.

Friday, August 20, 2010


Whatever games people play, I don't give a shit.

I'm just walking, motherfucker. If you die, I'm just walking.

I don't give a shit about anyone's shit. Cause I'll take care of my own shit.

Richard the White

From Hell's heart, I stab thee! From Hell's heart, I stab thee! From hell's heart, I stab thee!

They Never Listen

Oh well.

I won't even be attending the funeral. Bye!

Talam Dua Muka

Aku selalu tanya bapak aku dulu.

"Kenapa 'talam dua muka'? Talam mana ada muka."

Dan orang tua tu pun geleng kepala, dan menunjukkan kepada aku, talam yang betul.

Oooo. Barulah aku paham.

Sekian, talam dua muka.

TM Unifi Pukimak

Aku dah tunggu satu hari, untuk orang TM Unifi datang install high-speed broadband. Dah dua bulan aku takde Internet, pasal masa aku register dulu, dia cakap dalam tiga minggu je.

Sekarang, dah dua bulan, beb. Aku dah kensel Maxis broadband la apa kejadah, tapi Unifi masih tak dipasang.

Kerajaan bayar 11 billion. Mana kebendenya? Duit tu, buat main pelacur ke? 11 billion, ramai pelacur tu. Sekampung, selama 100 tahun.

Pelacur apa ko bayar, beb? Pelacur Naga buat balik kuang ke apa?

Aku call tadi, dia cakap takde la pulak, sedangkan dua minggu lepas beria-ia call aku, suruh tunggu ari Jumaat.

Pantat, pukimak mak bapak ko la. Malaysia dah kena con. 11 billion? Kalau macam ni, 11 ringgit pun tak berbaloi.

Aku nak keluar, beli DiGi broadband. Pergilah mampus Unifi ke, Liquify ke. Semoga anak cucu kau semua menghidap syphillis.

Uatu, the Watcher

I watch as their worlds decay and crumble. I watch the petty games and simple lies they use to pepper their silly little lives.

O, what fools these mortals be.

I'm changing the channel. I'm bored already. Your level of thinking and creativity only goes that high, and it's embarrassing.

Fuck off and die.


In the comic book Powers, Detective Christian Walker used to be a superhero, a 'power', who goes by the name 'Diamond'.

He lost his powers and became a cop investigating powers-related deaths.

Walker has an aversion, a suspicion about the media.

He was offered an interview by the show 'The Powers That Be' and - in one of the most intense moments of comics history. Damn you Brian Michael Bendis! - almost punched the host, screaming, "So you could do to me what you did to THEM?"

Walker blames the media for the deaths of his friends Retro Girl (based on Janis Joplin) and Zora (killed by Boogie Girl of the Fugees superhero analogue FG-3).

See, in FG-3's case, the group was created using the media, and for the media. Hence, the media created an unstable team that later caused Zora's death.

In Retro Girl's case, the heavy media coverage resulted in stalkers, one of which eventually killed her.

In a world where superheroes are rock stars and celebrities, the media will eventually kill them. Either spiritually, emotionally - or killing their identity or sense of self - or even physically.

Sometimes, I do feel like the leftover member of a band that could have made it big.

As the sole remaining member, I can only say this:

So you can do to me what you did to THEM? I don't think so.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Rota Fortuna

We all live in cycles. Every seven years, our entire body is replaced.

The rain and the seasons follow a cycle. Night and day. Tides, of blood and of water.

In Hinduism, there are large cycles called 'yugas'. They span many thousands of years, but to an immortal observer, patterns would arise.

In traditional Chinese beliefs and their version of Buddhism under Kuan Yin (Avalokitesvara), there is the cycle of reincarnation, which happens until the soul achieves enlightenment.

In our lives, cycles exist. Birth, death, blablabla.

And also, our mistakes. If we didn't kill our opponent, they will rise and kill us. Or maybe not. Hahaha.

We are doomed to repeat the same mistakes until we learn the lesson the situations are there for.

The lessons I have learned so far are:

1. My instincts are always, 100% right. I maybe wrong, in fact I was wrong many times before. But my instincts are my best and accurate tools.

2. I am not responsible for anything else other than my actions.

3. I live and I die by The Truth. Freedom comes from The Truth. I can't get along with liars. I killed them all. Or watched them suffer.

4. Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes, nothing is truly lost (omnia mutantur, nihil inherit)

5. Thailand is Heaven.

Failing to learn from our or our predecessor's mistakes means we will repeat the lesson. Again and again, until we get it.

So if you find yourself having a bad case of de ja vu, remember to trust your instincts. Close your eyes and leap.

And destroy everything. Leave nothing standing.

Barbarian at the Gates

I am a Barbarian. And I am at the Gates of Hell!

Barbarian at the Gates!

You believe that pitchforks can keep me at bay? Over the years, I have cultivated and experienced all types of pain, barring none. What can you threaten me with? What am I to be afraid of?

Death? I have never feared Death.

My greatest enemy is boredom. The only thing that can stand in my way is myself. For I am Greatest Under Heaven.

Send me your mightiest. Send me your champions. I will curse them and watch them flail about in pain.


I crave a demon who could match my malice. An archangel who can match my spirit.

And these little creatures come at me, with farming tools? Am I merely the earth beneath their feet?

My shiver will make any earthquake tremble.

With a slash from my sword, your world will end. I raise it to the sky and the heavens itself is burst.

Call me the Bringer of Rain. The Hellraiser. The Devourer of Worlds.

I am Destruction. Remember that.

Who Wants to Live Forever?

I'm sorry, but I'm not a survivor. I live. I don't survive. And one day, while the survivors survive - and I hold nothing against them - all who live, will die.

If I was at Hiroshima, during the time of the bomb, I would be at Ground Zero.

At the Battle of Sekigahara, I would be the guy with the pumpkin warhammer and flail, right at the front.

I hold no quarter, carry no baggage and give no mercy. My path is straight and true. I neither ascend nor descend. I move forward. I live and die by The Truth.

I used to be scared of guilt and being wrong. Nowadays, I know I am right, and I shoulder no guilt.

I no longer fuddle myself with good and evil. I'm just me, baby. Good AND evil. Destroyer and Creator.

And I will keep on hitting at anything that moves until it is still. Or until I die.

In Europe, I would have been a Barbarian. Not political enough to be a Paladin. Not crafty enough to be a Necromancer.


Because one day, I will die. All my time spent anywhere is just a short stop in eternity. I will not hold on to anything in this material plane, which exists only for a moment.

If my life is but a flash in history, if what distant civilisations see is just a wink from a star, then may that flash, that twinkle be significant and satisfying for me.

Why should I waste my time in mental, emotional and physical bondage? I am a Freemen. Freedom runs with me.

There is nothing anyone can do to hold me down. I will not be a hypocrite. I speak only The Truth. And I serve only The Truth.

Until my last dying breath.

Kau Meng Aa

Ngo mou ye chou.

Kau meng aa!

Kau meng aa!

Ngo hai leng tong liek.

Ngo Em Chi Tou

Ngo em chi tou.

Chan ah!

Ngo em chi.

Em sai fan kung ah! Hei!


10+13+1.9+28 = 32.9

Cukup la tu. Tapi... 28 bukan 28. 28 tu mungkin 10 je dulu.

Jadi, 22.9 je.

Tapi. 50 ada. Cuma... Mungkin try dapatkan 10 je.

Jadi 32.9 balik. Tolak 1.9. Jadilah 31.

Nampaknya perlu bukak lebih banyak gerbang neraka. Hahahaha!


Still a lot of waiting. I am getting used to it. My instincts have always served me, and has always been right.

So I just wait. Play a few games to keep me distracted. I chill. Crack some jokes. Joke about cracks.

I wait. In the darkness. Feels good to be a monster.

I'm not even thinking about the day when I go into light, all guns blazing. I'm just enjoying the darkness.

When the time comes, I will move. And the universe moves with me.

Rota Fortuna

The wheels keep on turning. Round and round it goes. Where it stops? Nobody knows.

Whatever plans man may have, and whatever happens, as long as I am true, nothing in this universe can do anything to me.

I AM The Truth. Have always been, and will always be.

Pray for your souls.

God of Crookery

Using my 87th level Imperial Scholar skills and Buddha Palm Stance, I succeeded.

Will report more results later.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Mou Ham

Mou ham ah, sai lou
Ngo hai, ku wok chai

Ngo ta sei lei ah ma ah
Ngo sa lei ah pa ah
Ngo sa lei lou po ah
Ngo sa lei lou kong ah
Ngo sa lei ah chai ah
Ngo SA! Sasasasasasasa SA!


Lei hou ye ah?
Chan hou ye ah?
Ko lai ah, lai ah.
Ngo ta sei lei ah!

Hikmat Anjing Lapar Melahap Tahi

Berak dengan sihat! Wah, taik sihat!

Itulah agaknya laungan orang ramai jika mereka melihat tahi aku.

Sesungguhnya aku berak dengan penuh keberkatan. Tidak seperti anjing lapar yang suka makan tahi.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Hot Air

I've been farting like crazy all day. Took MC cause I was going to the toilet between 3-6 times an hour this morning.

Feel dehydrated. Farted my own body weight in hot air.

So I didn't go to work today. One doesn't simply fart into Mordor!

Oh well. I'm getting some much-deserved rest now.

Let Destruction reign supreme! With or without me!

Chow Sing Chi

I bought a collection of over 40 Stephen Chow Sing Chi movies.

I grew up watching him, and Ng Man Tat and those other guys, do their surrealist comedy.

I like his movies and Sam Hui movies. Aces Go Places.


But one day, Chow Sing Chi will die.

Mou Lei Tau

I tried explaining Chow Sing Chi's comedic art, known as Mou Lei Tau, to some Malaysian filmmakers.

Unfortunately, they don't get it. They never do.

Oh well.

Forbidden City Cop

I think... I have found a way to do for Malaysian traditional arts what HK filmmakers did for Kung Fu.

If I do a Chow Sing Chi for the next few years, maybe that'll work.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Siri Belajar Bahasa Kantonis: Teet Tou Gong

Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Sek tai si, ah, tai ka che
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Pa pai ah?
Leng Ngau: Apsal kau panggil aku akak besar?
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Lei hai, tai ka che hai em hai?
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hou keng ah?
Leng Ngau: Hai.ngo hai tai ka che.kau ada masalah ke?you can call me tai ka che.
Leng Ngau: Ngo hou keng la..mesti.kalau tak hou keng..tak jadi tai ka che maaaaa..
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Waaaa!
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hou kan ahhhh!!!
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Ngo hai Teet Tou Gong
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Tai lou aaa, pinto?
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Sei em sei?
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Ngo san foo
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Haih...
Leng Ngau: Hahahaha..ngo em sek lei.sai lou..ngo hai tai ka che..lei chi ngo..ngo em chi lei..
Leng Ngau: Haiyyya..hou ma fan.
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hou!
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Kong tou hou!
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hou yee!
Leng Ngau: Hahahaahah.
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hahaahahaha
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Chii sin ah
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Lei hai ngau
Leng Ngau: Lei hou yeh.
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hai
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Ngo em chi sin ah
Leng Ngau: Ngo taa sei lei.
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Taa ah!
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Taa ah!
Leng Ngau: Lei em sek kong mou kong la..haiyyah.
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Mou man tai!
Leng Ngau: Lei hai pin tou?
Leng Ngau: sek see ah..
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Pin tou? Chiiiuuu Out
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Lai, aa, mui-mui
Leng Ngau: ngo hai tai ka che ah..em hai mui mui.
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Aiyaaaa
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Hai laaa
Leng Ngau: Lei kiu ngo leng lui..la.hahaha
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Aihhhh
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Leng ngau
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Koi lei
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Haihhh
Amir Wolfgang Amadeus Hafizi: Fatttt ta laaaa!!!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Mou Lei Tau: Hamkachan


Ngo sa lei ah ma, hamkachan. Ngo ta lei ah pa, ah, hamkachan. Ngo ta lei ah kau, ah, hamkachan. Ngo sa lei korkor, ah, hamkachan.

Ah mui, ah mui, ah mui. Ko lei.

Ngo sa lei ah sok, ah, hamkachan. Ngo sa lei lou koong ah, hamkachan. Ngo sa lei ah chai, ah, hamkachan.

Hamkachan, ah, hamkachan ah, hamkachan, ah, hamkachan ah, hamkachan ah, hamkachan.


Mou Lei Tau

Mou choow, kong tau lo!

Ngo mou ta lei.

Ngo ta lei tai yan. Lei tai yan sooooooo hai. Niama fulat. Kaninabu chow ciiiibaiiii!

Kama kwai ah, lei tai yan? Kong mek yee ah? Sik tai si ah, tai yan.

Tai yan, ah? Aaaaahahahahaha!

Hai em hai? Tai yan ahhh? Ahahahahaha!


Hamkachan! Ah! Aiya! Hamkachan! Ah! Hamkachan! Ah! Hamkachan! Hamkachan ah! Hamkachan!

Mou Ham Ah, Leng Chai

During one Ramadan day, I was not fasting.

So anyway, I was on my way to join some friends for breaking fast. As I waited for a cab, there was this primary school bastard who, upon seeing me, took out his bottle of Coke and started chugging in front of me.

So I took out my pack of cigarettes and started smoking like crazy. Then I popped a mint in my mouth.

The kid's jaw dropped to the floor.

Kid: Are you Malai-?

Me: Hai lor. Ngo hai Malai-gwai.

Kid: You tak puasa ke?

Me: Tak.

Kid: Apa pasal?

Me: I got period lah!

He laughed.

Kid: But you man what!

Me: Ya, but I sunat mahrs. Malay-gwai semua ada period mahrs!

Kid: Woh! Like that ah?

Me: Like dat la. Also, you have period from the ass.

Kid: Why?

Me: Cause you eat chicken (I pointed at his KFC lunchbox). You eat too many chicken, your asshole start bleeding lorhs. Got period lah!

Then my cab came. I got in and had a ball of a time.

Kingdom Come: The Gulag

Some of the most understated and under-appreciated characters in Kingdom Come are the new breed of super-powered beings inside the world-ending powder-keg that is the Justic League Gulag - a high-powered prison for super criminals.

There's Von Bach, a Swiss super dude who is the locker room leader in the wake of Magog's repentance.

There's the anarchist 666, who voices the displeasure of everyone and causes the riot to happen.

There's Kabuki Kommando, while alone, seems to represent the kind of global reach that the rebellion needed.

There is of course, the crazed Captain Marvel who broke the whole thing open on the League. Marvel was the earliest of the superheroes who couldn't deal with the grim and gritty world, so withdrew inside Billy Batson, later found by Lex Luthor who convinced him that superheroes are bad and that inside him lived a monster. The guilt and Dr Sivana's mind-control worms turned Marvel - the homeliest of all supes - into a walking stew of psychoses.

Everything was engineered by Lex Luthor, who said, "This new development turned a 10-year plan into a 10-day stratagem."

Oh well. People who have never read Kingdom Come a few times won't understand what I'm hinting at, anyway.

Just remember that when you read certain comics, there are more to be learned than just watching colourful spandex.

All I can say is, "Shazam!"

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Memoralisasikan Orang Lain: Dialog Orang Masuk Syurga

1. Walaupun aku rogol anak, tapi aku puasa. Dapatlah C- masa akhirat nanti.

2. Walaupun aku makan rasuah, tapi aku tak makan babi. Daging tubuh aku memang aku jaga kesuciannya.

3. Walaupun aku minum arak setiap hari, tapi aku pergi sembahyang Jumaat. Best tak aku?

4. Aku puasa, jadi semua orang kena jaga puki aku. Aku tak perlu bersabar, pasal sabar itu bukan sebahagian daripada puasa.

Tepuklah. Tepuklaaaaah. Tepuklah tanganmuuuu.

Pantun Pantat Mak Kau

Pantat mak kau
Penuh berbulu
Kelentit engkau
Memang berbau

Pantat pondan jauh ke tengah
Bijik kelentit bercabang tiga
Puki mak kau sudah diredah
Sekarang hendak bayarannya pula

Mak pelacur, anak pun sundal
Malam-malam mula menggatal
Nasib kau bukan susah diramal
Tahun depan dah jadi kental

Dua tiga pantat berlari
Mana nak sama pantat telanjang
Dua, tiga boleh diberi
Kalau nak lagi, aku bagi pelempang

Menghitung Hari

Satu. Dua. Tiga.


21-18. 3.


21-(18-3). So, 6.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.


Biskut Lembik: Anjing Panas

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan!

Mempersembahkan, tapak sulaiman coklat... Dan air berperisa anjing panas!!!

Ko nak rogol aku macam biiiiinaaaataaaaaannnngggg! Ko nak bakar aku dari daaaaaaalaaaaaaammmmm. Tapi ketahuilah yang takde benda ko buat akan mendekatkan kau pada aku.

Cara Aku

Spesel. Ko ingat ko spesel. Kau memang. Ko ingat ko spesel, aku boleh tengok dalam mata ko. Aku boleh tengok masa kau gelakkan aku, pandang rendah pada aku, jalan-jalan keliling aku.

Satu saja! Nak gaduh ni! Pasal ko punya pengetuaan. Dan aku akan tinggalkan semua taik ko. Pasal aku dah tak tahan lagi! Sekang aku kencing!

Kali ni aku akan bagi semua datang balik. Kali ni aku akan berdiri dan menjerit. Aku akan buat semua cara aku! Cara aku! Cara aku atau lebuhraya itu!

Hanya satu, saja, gaduh lagi. Pasal banyak benda. Dan aku, akan lepaskan kesemuanya. Untuk berdirkari sekali lagi. Bebas lagi sekali!

Kali ni aku akan bagi semua datang balik. Kali ni aku akan berdiri dan menjerit. Aku akan buat semua cara aku! Cara aku! Cara aku atau lebuhraya itu!

Mata Emas

Lihat pantulan, atas air. Lebih dari kegelapan dalam kedalamannya.

Tengok permukaan dan jangan sekali bayangnya. Pada angin, aku rasa nafasnya.

Mata emas, aku jumpa kelemahannya. Mata emas, aku buat apa aku suka. Mata emas, tiada masa untuk kemanisan, tetapi ciuman pahit akan melututkannya.

Kau takkan tau, bagaimana aku memerhatikan dari bayang-bayang, semasa kanak-kanak.

Blah blah blah blah.

Masa bukan di pihak kauuuu!

Blah blah blah.

Tina Pemusing, yo!

Tengah siapkan kerja la ni.

Follow Me into a Solo

Destruction reigns supreme!

Esok Tetap Kekal

Sayang, aku terbunuh. Aku terbaring dalam lopak atas lantai. Tunggu kembalinya engkau.

Kau pertaruhkan nyawa kau, di bawah cahaya bulan, kau bukan satu-satunya pengintip di luar sana.

Berbahaya sungguh, kasihku, kuasa dengan kau dekat akuuuu.

Sampai hari ituuuuu. Sampaiiii kau katakan ianya berakhir, selamat tinggal.

Lihatlah dalam mataaakuuuu.

Esok tetap kekallll.

Sheryl Gagak, yo!

Aku banyak kerja malam ni, tapi tak siap lagi. Aku hanya boleh sambung esok. Sebab esok tetap kekal.

Ip Man 2

I finally saw Ip Man 2. I honestly enjoyed the first one better.

This one has less oomph, for some reason. Despite the participation of Sammo Hung, the fight scenes evoked less emotion, for me.

I hardly felt anything.

Oh well. I also bought the complete Stephen Chow DVD collection. That would be fun.

Oh-oh-nly youuuuuuuu...

Under the Red Hood

Just saw Batman's new animated movie.

Reminds me of myself, when I was younger.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Flash

In the Justice League Animated Series, one alternate universe had Lex Luthor kill that universe's Flash.

So Superman killed Luthor. And he didn't feel bad at all.

A few years later, the Justice League of that universe became the Justice Lords - tyrants who control the world based on their whims and fancy.

In any organisation, you have the leaders, like Superman, and then you have the conscience of the group like The Flash.

You take out the leader, and the team will be like headless chickens. You take out the conscience of the team, and you change the team altogether.

And the conscience, the soul of the team - any team - need not even play a significant role in the whole system. Minor characters, some of them, or secondary. Like Marge Simpson - not that funny, but take her out and there is no The Simpsons.

When writing scripts, understand the dynamics of the relationships between the characters as they influence each other profoundly. No man is an island.


Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. Said Optimus Prime.

Without freedom, we have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My grandfather got on a boat from China when he was 17 so he could find his freedom on a foreign land.

On my mother's side, there was her grandfather who came from Pattani. He was a travelling preacher. His wife was from a rich family of people from Indonesia.

On my maternal grandfather's side, is the Bugis connection. Grand sailors. Pirates. Who settled in landlocked areas of Pahang.

The current PM, Najib, comes from the same family. We are related. Though I have never used this.

My family has always moved around. We don't sit still. There's a wanderlust in all branches of the family.

My paternal grandfather, the Chinese dude, packed only the clothes on his back, coming here. He slept on a pillow of stone for years, because it ensured he would wake up early. To the end of his days, at almost a hundred, he woke up at 6am and start gardening.

The family looks down on laziness and stupidity. If you're stupid, with no saving grace, we kill you.

The stupid ones in the family had to either develop cunning or be ridiculed for the rest of their life.

Getting number one is not lauded. It is expected.

At any one time, you need to juggle at least three tasks. When watching TV, I was also expected to clean dried anchovies, clean dishes AND kill flies.

Weekends mean even more work than usual. Resting is a sin. We used to repair the house, paint it or clean it. If your body is not aching by dinner, you are a failure.

A few years ago, I rebelled.

I said, "Fuck it, man. I pay for the Astro. That TV is 70% mine, and I bought cleaned dried anchovies already. I'm watching The Powerpuff Girls and nothing in this universe can stop me from doing just that."

I broke tradition. Fuck pain. Fuck hard work. I will do whatever the fuck I want to do. It's my way or the highway.

Like the Bugis pirates who ditched their boats and stayed inland. Like the 17 year old Chinese boy who left Guangdong and came to a strange country.

In the end, I am also a transient.